One month until we move, and...

I am twitching. We are negotiating with the sellers, as certain repairs need to be made in order to live in the house without dying. We’re hoping for the repairs to be made or some money to be lopped off the sale price. I won’t bore you with the life-threatening dangers (you know it’s bad when you receive letters in all caps from various experts: HAZARDOUS CONDITION. DANGER. WILL KILL YOU, PROBABLY) but the chimney (both fireplace and furnace) is the big one. I mean, some people like carbon monoxide to be spewed back into their home, but it’s not for me. So we are negotiating. We haven’t heard back yet how much money we can get for these repairs. If we don't get enough, we have to walk away. WALK AWAY. And thus, I am all twitchy. Literally! My left eye hasn’t stopped twitching in weeks. WEEKS. You think I’m exaggerating. I wish I were.

Speaking of carbon monoxide: when I was in first grade we had one of those assemblies in school where they talked about Fire, and The Dangers Regarding and Related To. I remember distinctly one of those dangers being an odorless, colorless gas that could fill your home when you sleep and kill you and your parents and your dog DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. I missed the part, somehow, about what the gas was, or how it got in there, but what I did catch in the filmstrip was a picture of a knocked-over lamp. Do knocked-over lamps emit poisonous gases? Possibly I wasn’t paying attention to the salient points, but anyway from then on I had to check all the lamps before I would willingly go to bed. Then, in my bedroom, I had to turn all my dolls so that they weren’t looking at me before I could go to sleep. Which is a different story. I was a weird kid.

Speaking of weird kids (observe how effortlessly I segue from one topic to the next), we’re having Henry evaluated by various and sundry experts (when they’re done inspecting our chimneys they come over to check out my son). His teachers were concerned, and maddeningly vague about their concerns: he’s not connecting with the other kids, they said. His gait can be awkward. He may have lower-jaw muscle-tone issues. Er, okay.

At first I resented that he was being singled out as the problem, because look, I see him at the playground with these kids, and here’s what happens: Henry walks up to his “friend” (his words) and says, “Hey, [insert name here], let’s play!” and said friend stares blankly and then runs off. And then Henry good-naturedly informs me that they’re playing hide-and-seek, and runs after kid, who doesn’t seem to be aware of his presence. So who’s not making the connection, here?

But now I’m glad we went through with it. Our suspicions that Henry’s intelligence is off the charts was confirmed, but we also learned that he most definitely needs physical therapy. The school evaluator noted that he’s literally behind the other kids: he’s slower than them, and three-year-olds are not known for their ability to wait for others to catch up. He’s a cautious kid, the physical therapist noted, and he’s not developing certain muscles as a result.

I try not to make this about me, but all I can think of when I hear these things is, oh god, he’s me. I was most definitely lacking in coordination. I refused to participate in anything that might result in physical or emotional injury. I was the kid who stood underneath the tree, wringing my hands, while my friends swung from branch to branch. For most physical activities, I determined that the risk was not worth the potential enjoyment. I refused to learn how to roller skate, ice skate, ride a bike.

Needless to say, this is not who I want my son to be. I do not want him to come home and inform me that his gym teacher called him uncoordinated. I do not want people around him to laugh about how much he can’t do because he’s such a worry wart, har har. (Do I sound a little angry about this stuff? Hmm.) It’s not how he was: when he was two, he was completely fearless. Did I do this to him? Without thinking I find myself telling him to watch out, look where he’s going, for god’s sakes be careful. I tell him possibly more than he needs to hear it.

But geez, it’s not like my guilt is going to help him, and anyway I have enough to twitch about at the moment. The good part is, look at all the resources designed to help him get over this hurdle. And get over it before he’s old enough to feel bad about how much he can’t do.

Comments

[Torrey]

Alice, he is a WONDERFUL child, and no, you didn't 'do this' to him! A little early intervention, as they say, can go a long way. All this will do is help him shine like the amazing, brilliant child he is.

[Jennifer]

First off, I'm sending positive thoughts your way that the house buying goes in your favor. Secondly, I just want to commend you for having Henry evaluated. I'm always amazed and bewilderd by the mothers who refuse to do so, because their child will "catch up in his own time". My 4 year old son has been getting speech therapy for 2 years. Most people told me he would talk when he was ready, but I wasn't willing to take a wait and see approach. 2 years later, and while he has made drastic improvements, he still has quite a wasy to go. I can't imagine where we'd be without the help of specialists. You're a great mom Alice! And because of your williningness to help your son, he's going to be just fine.

[liberalbanana]

I agree with Torrey -- and since when is there something wrong with being cautious? It's got to be better than having a kid who's attempting to fly off the roof with a blanket tied around his neck, right? Henry's got a mom that loves him (YOU!) and lots of people working to make him the best Henry he can be. You can't go wrong.

Good luck with the new home repairs -- I hope the current owners work with you and everything gets resolved to your liking!

[Jessie]

I was one of those worry wart kids too. I'm sure he'll be fine, especially with all the love you guys give him and all the resources available for him. Good luck with that and with the house. I hope you can stop twitching soon.

[Meagan]

Just so you know, having supposed athletic prowess isn't all it's cracked up to be. I come from a very athletic family, both in appearance and skill, and it was assumed that I'd follow in their footsteps, leading the team to victory and whatnot some such crap. What I think they didn't expect was for me to fear competition and failure so much that I'd hide in the girls room at 6th grade basketball camp and when the coach came to find me I'd panic and say I'd been tying my shoe. For the last hour. And then pretend I had a learning disorder that prevented me from tying my shoes. Which were already tied at the time.

Which is all to say that I know it probably doesn't mean much to have strangers from the internet saying it, what with not being actual experts or having ever seen your child, but from what I've read on your site I think you're a good mom.

[mox]

Yeah, I was one of those worry wart kids too. I was an only child and my parents were constantly worrying that I would hurt myself. Consequently I didn't learn to ride a bike without training wheels until 7 or 8, when the kid down the street -- who didn't give a rip if I got hurt -- taught me.

I find myself doing the same sort of over-worrying about my kid (also an only child) nowadays. I try really hard not to say "watch out" or "be careful" every two minutes because god knows I don't want the kid to be like ME, who has never had a broken bone in my life. Which is good, I guess, but also an indication of how careful I was as a kid -- no reckless abandon here.

The feelings you have about your son's physical development/fearlessness are the same I have about my own kid.

[mom on a wire]

Ok, about the dolls? Dolls looking at you in the dark is freaking SCARY. C'mon, that's normal, isn't it? To be scared... of your... uh, dolls? Right?

[Amanda]

I can't believe they criticized your BABY. I'd have been all BRING IT BIOTCHES, I'll kick your Eency Weency Spider singing asses!

So I guess what I'm saying is Henry is lucky to have you as a mom. Twitching aside, it sounds like you handled it beautifully.

[Meg]

I used to put any and all dolls in the closet. So.

As to the house, well, they better come through for you! It's hard to go through all the stress for nothing, but I'm hoping that this won't be the case. Here's to them showing some seller responsibility. I'll cross my fingers for you!

And as to Henry -- my friend had to get their three year-old looked at for nearly the self-same reasons, and with a bit of intentional help, he turned into a holy freaking terror of a four year-old who would jump off a cliff or run across the world if given the chance. Believe in his capacity to make the leap, and I'm betting that he will.

You're an amazing and loving mom. That's what will enable him to take risks as he grows. Trust in that.

[LetterB]

Ack on all counts. My family was almost one of those winter tragedies you hear about due to carbon monoxide poisoning (very scary incident) so people cannot be too cautious or over the top about it as far as I'm concerned. Good luck with the sellers. God, now I'm twitching. When we had to walk away from our sellers recently I actually found and said a prayer to St. Joseph. Now, on most days I am an atheist and have been known to lecture people on the misguidedness of superstition, but the whole home buying process turned me into a loon. The sellers did come back to us though.(thank you joe!). I am sorry that you have to worry about Henry too in the middle of all this stress. But I'll echo others that it sounds like you are handling it in the best way possible. If I were the type to send hugs via the internet I would send them now. But I'm not so I'll send you a {{noogie}} instead.

[superfantastic]

I work in a pediatric therapy center and see the OT and PT that I would have had as a kid if I'd grown up in these days. Maybe I'd be able to catch! Good for you for giving your son what he needs. After working with parents who would quit their child's therapy because we couldn't schedule around mom's yoga class, I think you are definitely one of the good ones.

[Mir]

The child I heard talking so pointedly about Underwater Batman didn't sound like he had jaw muscle tone issues to me, but what do I know. Oh! Here is what I know: You are seeking out appropriate professionals (i.e., not me) to make sure you son gets whatever he needs. And that is a Good Thing. I won't tell you not to worry because I may as well suggest you stop breathing, I understand, but truly, you're on top of this.

Also I vote against the carbon monoxide. And predict the sellers will negotiate appropriately because they won't want to be starting all over again with different buyers (and having to deal with the chimney again as well).

[nate]

Didn't you know, it's always the mother's fault? Overprotective, etc. etc.

Gah, I hate Freud.

But I so hear you on seeing yourself in your child. My 3 yo told us yesterday that she doesn't want to go to preschool "because the other kids don't like me." For her misfit parents, that was a kick in the gut--even though it's patently untrue.

I will say, though, that yay to you for working on the coordination/slow stuff now. I wasn't a particularly coordinated kid, and was definitely slow, and I really wish something had been done early so that it wasn't an issue in grade school. Not that there were early intervention programs in the 70s...but I digress. So (my assvice here) don't beat yourself up over it if you can help it, and work w/ the PT as much as possible.

[wordnerd]

Don't sweat it -- both my kids (11 & 14 now, sniff sniff) were both cautious. My son developed a Type A personality in spite of it. The difference is that he knows his limits and doesn't try to be too much of a daredevil. Both are normal, happy, and well-adjusted in spite of what the "experts" might think and what mom might have done wrong! Sounds to me like Henry's one lucky little boy. Give yourself a little pat there!

And good luck with the house -- where I live, it's just about mandatory that the sellers correct all safety concerns before closing.

[dithers]

All kids develop differently, and I think it is easy for the overly-intelligent to have "weak spots" that are socially obvious. I'm sure Henry will be more well-rounded if you help him get comfortable in those areas now.

Good luck with the house. Driven through Bloomfield on the parkway, never got off though...

[SparklieSunShine]

You have a lot going on right now. Good luck with everything and I really hope they are come to an agreement with you.

I didn't know that being cautious was considered a problem. Well whatever it is that is going on it is excellent that you are working on these things early before they become a problem.

Good thoughts your way.

[Chris]

I recall the house inspector doing a carbon monoxide test on our house when we were about to purchase it (last year). The entire event freaked me out -- visions of an eternally sleeping family running through my mind.

Two things changed this and I sleep without fear; 1) Upgraded the furnace to a high-efficiency model meaning no more carbon monoxide threat as it exhausts directly through the wall (not up the 90-yr-old chimney in the middle of the house). 2) Our house is big and old so fresh air is leaking in through every corner. It's like we sleep with 2 open windows!

Our son, who I believe is almost exactly Henry's age (Oct/2002), is just now showing signs of being painfully shy. He's a very cautious introvert and we have no idea how he's going to handle school. I hate worrying about this crap.

[Sheryl]

I think we're going to have to have WIll evaluated for speech therapy. At least it's nice to have services available, though it does make the guilt rage on. My, how it do rage.

[foodmomiac]

I bet the sellers will negotiate. We had to do that with our house - there was an entire room lined with ASBESTOS!!! (ack!) But, anyway, the seller ponied up.

And i think Henry will be fine - it's great that you are getting him evaluated now! It's so strange to see ourselves in our children. I was always the misfit, and my daughter seems so cool and unlike me. But, she's been having problems with a mean girl clique at her preschool, and it's so hard for me to watch. It just breaks our heart when our kids have a hard time.

Hugs!

[Stacie]

My now 6 yo didn't talk until he was 3. He just didn't care to. At 2.5 he was sent to a specialized preschool that helped kids learn what other picked-up on naturally.

Now we can't get him to shut-up.

I hear, though, that happens aright around puberty.

[Beth]

Certainly get the carbon monoxide issue checked/solved, and also get detectors for your future peace of mind. As for the thing with your son, I remember my dad saying something me when we were watching my son be his wonderful self. He said, "Just remember there will come a day when you will find out something is wrong with him." I was like, WTF? But what he meant was that one day he would break his arm or need glasses or a math tutor or speech therapy or a better attitude or SOMETHING because no child is perfect, and luckily there are plenty of resources available to help our little ones successfully make their way through life. No one wants to hear that there's anything the matter with their baby (I'm the same way), but I'm betting you'll be glad your son's teachers pointed out a couple of things to take care of. It shows they're attentive and caring (just as you are), and that's a good thing, right? Hugs to the both of you! :-)

[kelly]

Woman, your plate is full! Fingers crossed for a fully acceptable resolution with the house, and that in 6 weeks, you are unpacked and living peacefully in your new abode.

The stuff with Henry sounds overwhelming and reminds me of what we went through with Tyler, who at 13 still runs like a just-born crack-baby giraffe. Love the man-child to pieces, but damn. Our intervention was not so early, you're ahead of the curve.

And really, keep telling that self-blame person in your head there to pipe down. It's not your fault. Or next time I'm in Brooklyn, I'm bringing a sock full of quarters. You know, for you to use.

[MelissaS]

So he's uhm....Madison? Physical therapy never hurt anyone, it's like really expensive Gymboree.

Madison is the same way, so incredibly cautious but I didn't do it to her. I just don't tend to worry about them falling or whatever.

Once Max fell off the play structure and Logan said, "Were you watching him?" and in all honesty? No I wasn't.

Anyway my point is my mother was horribly hover-ish and so I don't want to be like that. However it seems to have made no difference.

I think they are who they're supposed to be.

I know another mother who is the most hovery/worrying mom, never more than 2 feet from her 4 year old at any time. Yet her daughter is the most dare devilish kid I've ever seen.

Temprement and personality are so much just a part of who we are it's impossible to blame yourself for anything.

[capello]

My oldest son, who just turned four, receives occupational therapy for "sensory integration disorder." I'm in the middle of reading a book about it, and they classify it into three subgroups; well, Griffin fits into two of the groups and I fit into the third. Go figure.

For a while I've been thinking that Henry and Griffin should meet (too bad I live halfway across the country). They both are super-smart and have a obsession about Star Wars.

Thanks to him, I can now beat anyone at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. Except for him. Can't beat him.

[RockStar Mommy]

Moving is so hard and stressful. Just remember that in a few more months, it will all be behind you and you will be so happy that you did it. Breathe. Hugs. And good luck.