Oh, this sucks

I was going to write a long cheerful post today, but it turns out my life is horrible and a disaster. My hair is stupid. My skin feels weird. My husband is out to get me. My cat is smelling extra-bad on purpose. My dog is nice but will die soon, or at least eventually. My child thinks I'm a failure. I can't do anything right. The color of the sky is really getting on my fucking nerves. Also you all hate me; yes, you do, don't deny it. In other words (men, look away): I'm getting my period. Yay, womanliness.

It's so humiliating, being such an emotional slave to one's hormonal cycles. I woke up this morning and I was all, wait, why is the world a terrible place all of a sudden? Then I looked at the calendar and realized what was up. This is an improvement on my usual routine, which is to cry and rage and have no idea why until I get my period. I am almost 40, people, you would think I would have this figured out by now. And yet, every month, I'm pissy and weepy and my husband has to point out to me what's going on and then I have to kill him.

On the bright side, I'm heading out to the DMV in a few minutes. Because why ruin a perfectly good day? Since the day's already in the crapper, I figure I might as well wrangle with some underpaid civil servants.

Last week was a big milestone over here in the Finslippy household: Henry's first throw-up. Actually his first non-carsickness-related throw-up. (Oh: and non laughing-related throw-up.) He seems to have inherited my tendency to not get stomach illnesses. I tell people I haven't vomited in 31 years and they think I'm a dirty liar, but I swear to you, it's true. It was in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I was nine years old. I do not think I am forgetting any incidents between then and now. That is the sort of thing I would remember.

So anyway, he was complaining of stomach pain, and we asked him if he felt nauseated, to which he asked, "How would I know what that feels like?" Which is a great question. How the hell do you describe nausea? I remembered from when I was small, anytime I had thrown up my main emotion immediately beforehand was confusion, so I said, "if you have a feeling you can't quite figure out, you might want to get to the bathroom." But when the nausea hit, he was in his bedroom. He aimed for the garbage can, poor thing, but missed entirely. Which I found out when I went into his room and skidded because it was everywhere . Fortunately Scott cleaned his room while I scrubbed my feet in the bathtub and retched and Henry chatted happily with me, proclaiming that he felt fine now and that was weird and let's talk about what just happened in graphic detail!

And you know what? That was probably more fun than the DMV will be. I have a feeling I will pine for it. Oh, to be slipping around in little-boy sick! How simple those times were!

Comments

[Emily]

Alice! I LOVE you for writing this post. I can pretty much track my menstrual cycle by my emotional freak-outs as well. And it is a huge pain, and it makes me so mad at myself. I share your pain.

Best of luck at the DMV, hope the sky gets back to a more satisfying color.

[Susie]

Look to the cookie! (All roads lead to Seinfeld.)

[Smalltown Mom]

Oh, this hit home. Once a month, like clockwork, I turn into a tyrant and freak out over the most ordinary things.

[Kelly]

Thanks. This post made me feel better.

[Sprite's Keeper]

I get it completely! I haven't truly thrown up since I was seven. Even the 21 weeks of nausea during pregnancy never added up to more than dry heaves. People thought I was weird because throwing up scares me. Especially since I don't remember it much.

[Bonnie B.]

My husband has to be the one to tell me what the hell is wrong with me, too!! I always feel SO stupid when that happens.

Good news and bad news - the good news is that the mood swings will dissipate with age. The bad news is it happens just in time for menopause. You're welcome.

[Amy]

Since we don't know one another at all, I feel like now is the appropriate time to tell you that due to having an IUD I have totally freakish period that come when I least expect them, so every single time my boyfriend pisses me off and I cry I have to run to the bathroom and put something on, JUST IN CASE. Usually, he's just being a douche bag but sometimes, it's a surprise period. Both are fun!

Also, I thought my nearly 13 years of not barfing was impressive---I hope to live up to your 31. Very, very impressive.

[Erin]

This post made me laugh out loud...every month I feel like I have the same conversation with my husband:

Him: "Why are you so mad at me about everything?"Me: "BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING WRONG! NOW SHUT UP!"

Inevitably, after a day or so of wondering why I am just so damned irritated, the answer, ahem, presents itself. You're not alone, my friend. And what better place to vent your rage than the DMV?

[Accidental Olympian]

BF: "Why in the world are you in such a bad mood?"

ME: "Because I am female and this is my RIGHT!"

BF: "Got it."

It's nice that women come with an excuse to be evil, at least once a month.

[Miss Grace]

I've thrown up less than five times in my whole life. I believe you.

[Jenny]

You just blew my mind. I've thrown up eight billion times in my life - half of them when I was pregnant with my daughter. She's two and a half and a champion vomiter in her own right. She threw up four nights in a row last week. She wasn't ill - she just coughed hard and suddenly a day's worth of stomach contents hit the carpet. I can't imagine not throwing up in 31 years. It would be weirder than suddenly finding out I'm from Canada.

[Maria]

Me too, on both the throwing up and the menstrual psychosis. Evening Primrose Oil is a magical substance which has no doubt saved me from being charged with aggravated homicide because somebody wished me a good day or something equally appalling and offensive.

[Jill]

I could have written this post on Friday. (well, except for the sick kid part)

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Being a woman sucks. Damn vile uterus'. Or uter-i? Whatever. Sucks.

My son refuses to vomit as well. I think maybe twice in the last 6 years? Have to say I really like that about him. What I don't like is his new favorite post-fart phrase, "Smells like sausagggggeeee!"...boys. Playdate FAIL...they shouldn't be allowed to speak to each other.

Hang in there....and for the record trying to see how far you can stick in fork in the drywall (when thrown of course) is a very good stress buster.

[Laura]

You haven't thrown up in 31 years? Not even while pregnant? Sigh. Much envy. I yarked from conception to delivery. On the plus side of my ledger I've never had PMS. Still, I think you win.

[Shnerfle]

While I haven't had a period in close to six years (blessed IUD!), I have the barfiest kid ever. He could gag on a goldfish and spew like Vesuvius. We carried spare clothes around because of the likelihood of vomit. I called him, "Barfalomew". Sometimes. When he wasn't listening.

[Swedish Pankakes]

*hands you imaginary Pamprin...THREE pills, to be exact, a tall glass of water, and a pillow

Amanda

[Shnerfle]

Why does my name never work as a link. *sigh* I must be doing this wrong...

[Lori]

We feel your pain. Aunt Flow AND the DMV? Harsh.

[Shannon]

I am with you on the hormonal slavery thing! Gah! I swear it's getting worse as I get older. I never used to feel so out of control every month and in the last few years I feel more homicidal each month. But damn! Killing one's husband each month is tiring!

[Kendra]

Oh, ugh. I was right there last weekend. My youngest is 14 months old, and thanks to her incessant desire to nurse, I hadn't had a period in all that time. So why was I suddenly wanting to kill every single person in my life, the day before we went out of town for the weekend? OH, RIGHT! I guess I had the excuse that it had been over a year, so I didn't really have any basis for when to expect it--other than any moment for the last 8 months or so. But it came back with a vengeance.

When my oldest was about a year old, he got some kind of virus and was screaming and screaming while I held him and walked back and forth in the kitchen. Finally he stopped screaming, took a deep breath, and puked all over me. From anyone else, I would have screamed and jumped into the shower, but I just held him and said, "That's okay. Feel better? You're going to be okay." I guess I knew then what it really meant to be a mom.

[Jill]

At least you are actually starting your period. I go through this "what's wrong with the world" feeling at least once a week and most of the time when I look at the calendar I am left confused because I'm no where near starting and so I have to assume it is just me.

[kristy]

You wrote "felt nauseated" instead of "felt nauseous"!!! Hurrah!

Not that I'd expect any less, but it's just so nice to see.

*crush*

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

Yeah, the DMV sucks. Good luck surviving it. I hope the day turns around a little bit after that!

[The Football Wife]

Here's my recipe for surviving the period blues... pick up a frozen pizza, do NOT look at the nutrition label, & eat the whole damn thing. Wash it down with a chocolate chip cookie.