A confession

Henry doesn't do any after-school activities. He doesn't attend a French class; he's not learning to play piano. He doesn't play soccer on the weekends, or basketball. His oboe is really neglected these days, because he doesn't take oboe lessons, and also, wait, we have no oboe.

I would say this is because I am lazy, but his taking a class or two would give me a little more free time, so it's not really that. Really it's because he doesn't want to.

I should put that in all caps. HE DOESN'T WANT TO. I mean: he really, really doesn't. I've suggested a couple of classes that I thought he'd be interested in, and every time I bring it up, he looks at me like I'm announcing that we're going to send him away forever. To a lovely military school, perhaps, or just a third-world country, where he can help them dig wells! The eyes, they fill with tears. He really does not want to do anything else. He likes coming home and relaxing. He prizes his Lego time. He likes to watch two (two! gasp!) television shows after school whilst enjoying a snack, and then he turns to his Legos, and then it's dinner time. On the weekend, he will not be rushed. It's all we can do to get him to put on some pants. If it's nice out we'll go to the playground, and if it's not, all he wants to do is (surprise) play with Legos, or draw, or read.

This is not my confession.

My confession is that I have a hard time just letting him be. I fret. I ask him constantly if there's ANYTHING he might want to do. I am cowed by the parents around us, who, when I call them for a playdate, seem to only have a day or two each week free because their schedule's so chock full of extracurriculars. Now, I know we're never going to be over-scheduled--I am not a fan of that idea, and besides, my son would never ever go along with it. But he should be doing something, I think. Right? But he won't go for it.

I've tried. I bring home pamphlets about soccer classes, and he insists, "I hate soccer. I don't know how to play it."

"But you'll learn," I tell him.

He shakes his head. "I hate to learn."

He's a little strong-willed, you guys. Just a little. He knows what he likes, and he won't back down, even when faced with statements like YOU'VE NEVER TRIED IT and YOU'RE ONLY SEVEN and COME ON.

Now, I realize I could force him. I could drag him to the park and insist that he get on that field and have some wholesome fun! But why? Because I have some vague worry that I'm failing him or neglecting him by not pushing him hard enough, that's why. So I'll make him hate me! THAT'S a much better proposition.

So on the one hand, I leave him alone, and fail to give him the opportunity to experience anything outside his comfort zone. On the other hand, I harangue and harangue until he reluctantly does something but ends up just resenting me and feeling like there's something inherently wrong with who is he and what he likes.

Parenting is really goddamn hard.

Comments

[Jamie]

Fight your urges!! My Mom was always chasing me around the house saying, "Are you SURE all you want to do is sit around and READ? It's UNHEALTHY!" It drove me crazy. As long as he's happy (and we all know he's smart) let him be!

[Mental Momma]

I am so with you on this one. I have the EXACT situation with my daughter, who is also seven. I don't believe in the whole over scheduling thing, and if they don't want to do it, it becomes something else to battle over.

I did recently have a small victory, convincing her to take a non-competitive gymnastics class, but it is sort of a pseudo-activity, really more fun jumping around than anything.

The irony is that no matter what, they'll remember it all wrong and blame us either way. I say, skip the singing lessons and save the money for therapy.

[LPC]

We can only be as good a parent as we are a person. Which is to say, imperfect but perfect in the it is what is is domain.

[Alice Bradley]

Jamie: I know! Me too! I was exactly the same way. So what the hell, ME? 

[beyond]

he would get accepted to the really good colleges if his extracurricular activity was digging wells in third world countries! he's a homebody. not necessarily a bad thing. (i am one too.)

[Laurie]

I am totally with you. I am constantly second guessing my parenting skills. I always think I should be doing more for them. But then, I think back to my childhood. I played outside, with my friends. That was my afterschool/summer vacation activity. Never mind that my kids are taken to any number of child friendy activities every weekend and all through the Summer, I MUST DO MORE FOR THEM!!!

It is exhausting!

[Robin]

I've had the same feelings. I've tried to encourage my 9-year-old to play a sport, but she is already pressured from her piano lessons and homework. She has asked that she please be allowed free time. How can I say no to that?

[Laura]

I feel you.... My situation is a little different because my son (age 5) actually played baseball (spring) and football (fall) last year. However, I STILL stressed a little bit because he didn't LOVE them like I thought he "should". He liked them fine, tried during practices, but wasn't the gung ho athlete I imagined and sometimes he didn't WANT to go to practice. How crazy is that -- 2 sports (including FOOTBALL for a 5 YEAR OLD) and I still stressed a bit??

[Asha Dornfest {Parent Hacks}]

No fretting necessary. I bet Henry's got more going on in that head of his than could ever be imparted by a 45-minute after school class.

One of the good things about a strong-willed kid is that they TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT. As soon as he's dying for viola lessons or yoga or underwater basket weaving, he will let you know in no uncertain terms.

Till then, lead by example. Take him on a few of your own adventures into new territory. As the mother of a very strong-willed boy, I've found that's what will occasionally sneak him out of his comfort zone.

Much more to say on this topic, of course. (I always have more to say, don't I?)

[Mir]

I totally had brilliant things to say, but Asha stole my comment.

Seriously, Alice, he has YEARS to be overscheduled (or not) as you both see fit. He is SEVEN. Good for him for enjoying chilling out. :)

[Lawyerish]

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him be. It does seem like there's a third option in addition to the two you mentioned at the end, though, which is that maybe you push him to try ONE thing, and instead of resenting you and hating everything and everyone, he might enjoy it? Even if he doesn't fall in LOVE with whatever it is, he might get a little something out of the departure from routine or whatever. And if it's a class/activity that's just for a few months, maybe one day a week, it won't be the end of the world if he does hate it; you'll have tried and learned and can move on, no long-term damage done.

But then again, I guess you also don't want to feel like you're ambushing him with something ("Honey, I signed you up for Suzuki violin, isn't that GREAT?! You start today!"), because that would be unfair to him and also unpleasant for you. And yet, if you give him the choice, he's always going to say no or refuse to pick anything, or if you insist and tell him about it in advance, the DREAD of it may take over your lives.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's complicated and difficult. Forget everything I said; I clearly have nothing helpful to say here. Carry on.

[hi kooky]

Ditto what Asha said, 100%.

[Gilamonstre]

I think it's fabulous that your little boy knows who he is and what he wants. There are far fewer drug-addled identity-crisis moments in his future.

It's a hard road you're on, but you're wonderful for trying to let him be him.

[Miss B]

When I was in grade school, you could start taking private instrument-playing lessons in...third grade, I think? Maybe fourth. I had no interest in doing that At All. My music teacher, for whatever reason, decided that I would be really good at that, though -- I think this had more to do with my freaky memory skills and Xtreme Academic Giftedness (oh, I was so much more genius-y when I was little than I am now, *sigh*) than it did with any musical abilities I might have exhibited. Anyway, she went so far as to call my parents in for private meetings more than once, trying to convince them to force me into music lessons. Luckily, strong-willed overbearing child that I was, they never tried to force it, and I never took music lessons. Do I regret this? Not even the tiniest bit. I am still wildly undisciplined, but I'm aware of it, and I'm okay with it. When I got to Jr. High, I started doing various academic-themed after school things, and I started doing theatre. But even then, what I most wanted to spend my spare time doing was reading and drawing and being alone. Some people don't need constant group stimulation, and I don't think that's a terrible thing at all.

[Boston Mamas]

Don't fret; you're doing great. Our daughter is the same -- actually, part of the issue is she's uber attached. So, she begged for swim lessons, then ended up hating them because I wasn't allowed to be poolside (too many parents and their GD video cameras). We made her finish the 6 lessons and since then have taken a tactic of letting her know of the options and that she is welcome to try anything (we are lucky to be able to do that) but that if she signs up she needs to finish the lessons and not bitch about it (not in those exact words of course).

Kids are too signed up for things these days. We don't have anything formal after school either (though like you, I could certainly use the extra hours). I'm sure your son will come around on his own terms when he is ready. Then probably kick some serious ass at whatever he chooses.

[JenM]

I have an 8 year old who is exactly like this. I've not pushed him except to take swimming lessons to learn how to swim, then we dropped them. I will put him back into swimming lessons once we've moved to New Zealand and he's around pools, river and the ocean more, because I want him to be a strong swimmer so I will feel he is safer, but for now I'm letting him be.

[Jenn]

Speaking as a former after-school program director, I can tell you that there are a lot of kids out there who would love to be living Henry's life! A LOT. The majority of young children are participating in after-school enrichment activities that their parents have encouraged or forced them into. They would prefer time with their snacks and Legos. Lucky Henry :)

[Jen]

Someday, Henry will blog about how it was so cool that his Mom would let him be himself and play with his Legos when he needed his chill time after school.

Trust me, Heather said it best - aim low, save yourself the time. I was on every team in grade school and high school. Life was so much better when I got to college and was able to pursue my own interests. Lettering in high school sports doesn't make you a good person. I don't even know where those stupid letters are, since I was too busy going from practice to practice to sew them on my jacket, anyway. Actually, I don't know where the jacket is, either. Go figure.

[Melinda]

I think that American's really overbook themselves. We are very busy people with all our busy little tasks, groups, and so on. There is nothing wrong with allowing a child to step back from all this busy and just be a child. They will be busy enough when they get older.

[Heather@EnviroMom]

Bravo for unstructured playtime, both indoors and out! That's all our kids really need at this age outside of school. He knows how to make his own fun, which is a precious skill that many over-scheduled kids lack. You're doing great!

[Chris]

I have to comment.

Some time ago I realized our son is the same age as your Henry. My boy was born on October 5, 2002.

Anyway, my son also refuses to do any extra activity. Anything. He just shuts it out. Turns off our suggestions. And turns to his Lego. My son truly, genuinely is measurably happy with the way things are.

We've stuck him in classes and he shuts down. Gets angry, restless and changes in ways we don't like.

His little sister loves her activities. Dance and gymnastics are what we limit to because I don't want to be one of those morons driving around to a million little events.

And time to be yourself at home, with your family, is actually more important than some bourgeois piano lesson. Many people fail to see that.

[Shauna]

He sounds like he's doing fine, but if he's interested, you could look in to a Lego League in your local area. He might get a chance to socialize with other lego-loving kids.

[Samantha]

It sounds like he's doing fine, but it also sounds like you worry too much about your kid "hating" you. It is good for them to try new things and when we encourage them to, we are telling them that we know they can do it. Our kids are going to grow up to resent us to a certain degree no matter what we do. I honestly do wish my parents had encouraged me to get more involved in activities.

[Sam]

Good for you for letting him follow his own voice. It's the hardest thing to do as a parent. Sometimes my kids passions have no value to me, but so much to them. Who am I to say that playing with Legos all day is wrong, and playing basketball is right? BTW, my seven year old does play with Legos all day :)

One thing that I find works for my seven year old son, who never says he wants to sign up for any kind of class, is to give him a few choices. Once he picks the class that he feels most likely to not hate, take him. On the condition that he try one class. Give him the power to choose to quit. Maybe just knowing that he is not trapped in for the whole course, might free him, to actually try to find the good things about it? Just a thought.

We also bring Lego with us to said classes. If he's not in the mood, he sits on the sideline, building, but usually, seeing all the kids having fun, he joins right in.

[Dani]

My children (ages 7 and 5) don't play by themselves. Hanging out at home (what's this *relaxing* you talk about?) consists of them following me around and asking me to play with them. I tell them to play with each other, and can usually count on one (one!) hour in an entire day of them doing this without constant fighting. Activities are a godsend, because it gets my children out of the house, doing productive things, away from each other. It is my lifeline to sanity. I am seriously jealous that you don't need activities to amuse Henry. I'm sure he'll eventually find something he wants to do enough that he's motivated to "pursue" it. I definitely don't think organized activities are a requirement for 7 year olds. (Though I do understand your dilemma, because I'm already horrified by the competitiveness of said activites, even at these young ages.)