Morning chat with the voice in my head

Why so glum, Alice?

Social rejection. I am thinking about it.

What? But who could reject YOU? Impossible. Why, I’d wager--

Not ME, silly. (Me! As if!) My son.

Ah. Kids.

Yes. KIDS. My question is, how can I force them all to be kind to each other? Or at least mind-control all of the other kids so they don’t break my son’s heart? Is there a kit I can buy that'll help with that?

Uh….

Or maybe I can make non-invitations to birthdays a federal offense. Or just birthdays, period. I think we’ve all had enough of birthdays being celebrated, don’t you? Just… enough. Can’t we be done with it for a while? It’s like, “Hey, celebrate me being born!” Big whoop. We’ve all been born. I don’t see why you get to brag about it and demand veneration and offerings.

Uh-huh. So. Why don’t you tell me what happened?

Oh, nothing. Just one of Henry’s closest friends rejecting him publicly, is all. Just humiliation and despair. Just his heart shattering into tiny tiny pieces.

You realize Henry is probably already over this, right? That they’ll probably be best friends again by the end of the day?

If I’m mad at the kid, shouldn’t I get to kick one of his parents? Surely there’s a law about that in the books.

And that would help…how?

I admit, I haven’t thought that part through.

I see. Well, I’m glad we had this little talk.

I still want to kick someone.

I know.

Including you.

I knew you were going to say that.

Comments

[Tracy]

See, I think you *should* get to kick the kid's parents. Because if my child wanted to noninvite one of her closest friends due to a temporary tiff, I wouldn't allow it. I'd tell her "you were good friends with Hannah last week, you'll be good friends with Hannah next week, and I know you're angry at her right now but good friends get angry and then they get over it, like you and Hannah always do." And Hannah would get an invitation.

[alice]

YES. THANK YOU, Tracy. What is up with this parent, being okay with that?

[Rebecca Donovan]

Poor Henry. No more birthdays! Or Henry should have a birthday party and not invite anyone! Oh. Wait. No, that won't show anyone... Poor Henry.

[Jen]

I want to kick you too.

[Marinka]

do you think he was rejected because his mom talks to herself?

[Kate @ And Then I Was a Mom]

Tell Henry the cake probably would have sucked, anyway. Idiot parents always buy sucky cakes.

[alice]

Well, I don't do OUT LOUD, Marinka. At least not IN PUBLIC. At least, not THAT MUCH.

[floreksA]

I can trump the not being invited (although this is a game I didn't want to have to play or win). We invited all 22 of my daughters classmates for her 1st EVER "friends" party.

1, just 1 person showed up and didn't even bring a card.

I didn't think it was possible but I spit nails that day.

[Amy]

I totally vote for kicking the kid's parents. Who puts up with that kind of crap from their kid? Seriously, is this what I have to look forward to?? (My daughter is only three, and to date her closest brush with social rejection has been Xavier grabbing her dolly and running across the room with it at daycare. And I heard about that for DAYS.)

[bessa]

Loving your NY resolution! I love the posts.

[JustLinda]

I will never forget the note that the teacher sent home the first day my youngest went to pre-school (age 4). It had a lot of funny stuff in it, adorable funny stuff that made me love the teacher instantly and wish that she had a blog.

But the part that is pertinent here is that birthday party invitations were the currency of the 4 to 6 year old set. Oh my, AND HOW.

Also? Threats to not be your best friend. Although sometimes I think the intended dangling of the friendship is more threatening than the callous pulling away. But I digress.

It truly is heartbreaking to see your child struggle with such a thing. I always try to focus on the learning that will occur... Henry will learn about people, about trust, about how HE wants to behave based on what other people do that he dislikes.

(I know that's just chocked full of naive optimism. If anyone tries to represent the other side, I swear I'll put my fingers in my ears and should LA LA LA LA. Or threaten not to be your best friend. I'll do it too!!)

[Lisa]

I am so there with kicking the parents. I dropped my 3yr old off yesterday and 2 boys said "ugh it's K, lets hide" then ran away. One of these boys was the kid she was most excited to see after Christmas break. Tore my heart out, luckily she didn't even hear them.

And yes, I had a party where NO ONE came. Apparently I am still having issues.

[MP]

Oh gracious. Thanks Alice, I've officially entered panic mode: we're sending out invitations to my 4 year old's friends (but just the girls!) EVEN THOUGH she's good friends with a several boys. It's a Fancy Nancy party...do boys like Fancy Nancy? Agh!I don't have time to wait for Let's Panic About Preschoolers to come out....DIRECT ME. I really don't want to be kicked.

[Jennifer]

Whoosh! It all comes back. My son is almost 11, and has always had trouble socially--we work on it, but he's kind of happy being alone sometimes. I used to talk to myself about that stuff (a lot) and have the same back and forth. I have no answers--just sympathy. I'm sorry Henry was given the cold shoulder, but tomorrow will be different.

(I also have a similar party story--invited 26, and five came. sigh.)

[Jody from CA]

Ah... I'm right there with you. Some of the kids at my daughter's school formed a "Kids who hate Mira" club. I am right in the teachers and director's offices putting an end to it. But truly, kids can be so mean. Breaks my heart.

[Miss Grace]

I wish I could control the niceness levels of the kids at the playground. My own included.

[Tracy]

To those of you saying you invited the whole class and very few showed up - if you distributed the invitations at school, keep in mind that there's a good chance the parents never saw the invite at all. Sometimes they don't find the invitation in the backpack until after the party. And yes, I speak from experience. :-/

[kate]

Uuughh. How do we ever survive it? And I'm talking about childhood and then reliving it again through our children?

Yes, kicking mean (or clueless) parents should definitely be legal. So should talking to yourself.

[Sarah]

The image of you kicking another parent made me snort with laughter. So go ahead and do it. You can blame me if you get into trouble.

[Laura]

Oh - this is something I am dreading since my son started school this year. I make an extra effort in trying to emphasize to him to remember how his actions make others feel, not to leave others out when he plays with his friends, not to laugh AT someone if it is something they might be embarassed about, etc. I really, really want him to be a nice kid who is AWARE of others' feelings. Most of the motivation for that is because I want HIM to be a good person, but after reading this and thinking about it I have to admit that in the back of my mind I believe that if HE is nice enough, maybe his friends will respond in kind -- because I just don't know how my heart will handle him feeling rejection from friends.

Also - I LOVE the daily posting. You are one of my favorite bloggers and I've always wished you would post more often :-).

[adhocmom]

My daughter was born on Leap Day, so I thought this would help somehow - official birthdays once every four years! But duh, it's OTHER PEOPLE'S BIRTHDAYS I have to worry about!xPaulawww.adhocmom.com

[Sandra]

This is the key reason to why I don't like children's birthday parties at this age. We don't have them for our son (6) because I just think that it's too young for any child to understand that it's not appropriate to hand out invitations in school. I wish it were a rule to just distribute a contact list to all of the parents and any birthday party/play-date coordination be done completely outside of school.

[Kristine]

Oh, I feel for you, Alice. My daughter started kindergarten this year, and I can't tell you how many times friendship and birthday parties have been dangled over her head already. Monday, she told me that one of the other girls in her class told my daughter's "friend" to push her down, and her "friend" did! Then the teacher saw her crying and told her to cut it out! Eek! My heart breaks for her on an almost daily basis; actually, it makes me fantasize about homeschooling her (despite the fact that I don't have the self-discipline necessary to do so). It doesn't help that all of this behavior reminds me of my own struggles in school--always catering to the "popular" crowd or, at the very least, trying to blend into the background to avoid attack! (But I'm over my high school disappointments; I mean, that was 19 years ago! No lingering issues here. Nope, not me. Really! :-)

Good luck to you and Henry. I think that what one of the previous commenters said is true: At least it will teach him some lessons (albeit painful ones) about feelings and how to treat other people. You're a good mom, Alice. Continue to be sensitive and give him all the love and support he needs, and that will help him immensely too.

[Slim]

That's the real beauty of working out: When you kick the parents, they will feel it.

[jenn]

I still totally remember the time I wasn't invited to the party, but the daughter of a woman who worked for my parents had been and by some cruel twist of fate, I ended up getting a ride with her mother that day, but first she had to stop off to pick up her daughter at the party. I was completely mortified when the mother went in and had coffee and chatted for a while and I was caught between joining a party of kids I wasn't invited to play with (and who clearly didn't want me there) and sitting at the kitchen table with a bunch of adults who were so clueless and wondering why I wasn't playing with the other kids. It was probably only 15 minutes, but it still rates as some of the worst hours of my life.

Trust me, a non-invitation can be handled by an understanding parent. It's probably even a good thing, in the long run. Just don't dwell on it (or find a way to get him to the party anyway).