A quick rant while he’s asleep.

This must be quick, because “asleep” is becoming a rare state these days. My child, the champion sleeper, has abruptly decided that sleep is overrated. Needless to say, this is driving me NUTS.

(What’s that joke about the steering wheel on the crotch and the punch line is “driving me nuts”? Someone?)

It’s not that he’s getting up early, because although he did get up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning, usually he’s a late sleeper. It’s getting him to sleep. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. And that makes me want him to go live somewhere else, like maybe at Grandma’s. Grandma would probably find his late-night shenanigans charming. She’d feed him cookies and the two of them could watch her DVD box set of the Dean Martin show until he passed out from boredom and embarrassment for poor old Deano.

(Every time I visit my parents my mom says, “I thought we’d watch Dean Martin tonight!” And I have to remind her for the 3,000th time that I don’t really deeply enjoy watching drunk people warble popular classics of the ‘50s and then trip over some props. Maybe a few minutes of it, okay, but we’re inevitably trapped watching one episode after another at my parents’ house with the volume cranked up to a window-rattling decibel, and at some point my mother will turn to me and ask, “What are you crying about?” and I’ll say “I didn’t know I was” and then I’ll go upstairs and try to drown myself in their bathtub only I added too many Epsom Salts and I keep bobbing to the surface.)

As I was saying, he does not want to sleep. At all. We put him down at 9 p.m., and for the next three hours, every five minutes is another request from his room. First he needs A Drink. Then he needs a Toy. Then he needs Something, but He Doesn’t Know What. Then he needs a Hug and a Song. Then a Better Song. Then he wants me to Stay and Chat. And on, and so forth.

I have tried various tactics, none of which have worked. They include but are not limited to: Calming Explaining That Sleep is Important. Ignoring. Yelling. Tears. Insisting that He Fall Asleep NOW Damn It. More Tears. Attempting to Ignore, but Failing. Yelling at Husband.

You see? Failproof! Nothing could be wrong with my strategies! I am going to write one of them child rearing books that show how to rear a child good because I know.

Last night, at 11:30, after an hour of vigorous denial over the goings-on near Henry’s room, I realized that all was quiet and went to check things out. I found Scott sleeping on the floor of Henry’s room while Henry, fully upright and alert, chatted with his father’s inert form. “Darth Vader goes whoosh and the Storm Trooper turns him into Darth Vader and when I’m at the playground I go whoosh down the slide but sometimes I fall and I get a little scrape but I’m okay,” he said as his father snored lightly against the carpeting.

This had better end soon because it's cutting into my precious blog-writing and -reading time.

Comments

[kim]

A pirate walks into a bar with a big steering wheel growing out of crotch. The bartender finally asks, "Hey pirate, what's with the steering wheel?"The pirate replies, "Yargh, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"And there you go.

[Jess]

Delurking, because I can't believe (a) I'm first! and (b) I know the joke, or at least one version of it. So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch and orders a beer. The bartender obliges, but before he can ask about the steering wheel, the pirate moves off to a table and drinks his beer. After a while, he comes back to the bar, orders another beer. Same thing happens. When the pirate comes up the third time, the bartender says, "Look, before I give you this, I just gotta know, what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?" The pirate looks right at him and says, "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!"

[Jess]

Damn, guess Kim slipped in there while I was reading. Second, then. :)

[Michelle]

Never heard the joke before, but the visual of the man sleeping on the floor and the boy talking his ear off just totally cracked me up!

[cagey]

Cutting into your writing time?????

Yes - the kid needs to SLEEP, so we can get our dose of Finslippy......

[networkchic]

Does he have his own cd player...try putting some music on for him and tell him to tell you about the songs in the morning. It worked for a friend of mine.

[Angie]

Oh my God. We're going through the same thing over here! Last night MC was up for nearly three hours past her bedtime. During that three hours she whispered things like "There is something in the bushes" and "Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my butt" into the baby monitor so that her little whispers were amplified throughout the house. (Nothing was wrong with her butt.) (Also, nothing was in the bushes. We don't even have bushes.) By the end of the night, I was in the corner eating my own hair and whispering things like "For the love of Jesus, go to slee-hee-hee-heeeeep."

Good luck to you.

By the way, the image of you bobbing in the Epsom-heavy tub is truly hilarious.

[Carmen]

Delurking because I feel your pain. I hear ya about the sleeping thing. I'm prego and have been trying to figure out how to squeeze in an afternoon nap when my 3 year old no longer wants to waste time on shut-eye. A few days ago I was fighting to stay awake while tidying up the lunch dishes when evil mommy took over: I told him he had to go to his room. He could read books. Or he could play quietly. Or, if the mood struck him, he could sleep. But the two rules: Quinn must play quietly. Quinn must NOT come out of his room unless his hair is on fire. He wasn't too keen on this and made some attempts at escaping, but I nipped them and he played for about half an hour before falling asleep for 2. Since then, all I need to say is "quiet time" and he goes happily to his room while mom passes out on her bed. (No need to call child services as I'm a light sleeper and his bedroom door is the noisiest thing on the planet earth, next to his farts.)

So, with Henry, maybe his problem is that he's being told it's time to "sleep". What if he had lots of options? Colouring, playing with trains, acting out scenes with Darth Vader...all fine options as long as he's fairly quiet and does not come out of the room! He'd pass out eventually and you and hubby could get some quality time.

[Nopoodle]

Don't you guys watch Dr. Phil? He's got this all figured out. Of course he's not a sleep deprived women living in a house ruled by people under 3 feet tall, but he says he's got your answer.

[alice]

Well, what's his answer, Nopoodle?

[christy]

I think Dr. Phil could use a few more naps. Then maybe he would quit yelling at everyone.

DIDJA SEE MY BOOK? DIDJA SEE MY TAPES? DIDJA SEE MY BOOKS ON TAPE?!

I heard that somewhere and it killed me.

[mathew]

btw, ha!

bed time is bed time. i'm the sort of person that, when the child resorts to crying, tantrums, etc., unless there is bodily harm involved or the possibility* that choking on bodily fluids might occur, i just ignore it and say 'see you in the morning, shitface.'





*like if i hear vomiting

[Undisclosed]

My daughter LOVES books on tape. They've helped us transition between no naps and just having a "rest time" in the afternoon. She will sit quietly and listen to those forever, and she is not the sitting quietly type.

[emjaybee]

There's always the "night-night treat" of Nyquil....

(/kidding)

The kid whispering into her monitor cracks me up. "There's something wrong with my butt!" Hee.

[Kim]

Tylenol. I have three kids, I know.

Seriously though, consistency is the key. After the tucking in and lights-out, mine are allowed five minutes of messing around time. We call this The Potty Parade because they all suddenly have to pee as soon as the light goes out. After that, they'd better be bleeding if they're out of bed. Bed time is bed time. Period.

[Laurie]

I'm with Kim on this one. Consistency is your savior. My kids (now 7 and 4) both did this, and the trick was to march them back into bed (or turn out the light) without talking. My husband and I simply would not engage them at all after bedtime. It took a week or so of being consistent, but it worked. Good luck!

And the pirate joke? How has my life been complete up until now without knowing that joke?? Hilarious!

[Mir]

I heartily endorse the "if I see your face before dawn it had better be on fire or bleeding" method of compassionate parenting.

Seriously, I am a control freak to end all control freaks, and the sitting in bed PLAYING and CHATTING thing used to drive me insane. Once I learned to say "As long as you STAY IN BED and I CAN'T HEAR YOU you can do whatever you like," a lovely zen descended upon me.

But if they DO get up (or get noisy), then the beatings commence. Or they just, you know, lose television or some other coveted privilege the next night. Each child had to break the rules just once, then upon the next-night-deprivation I could practically see the lightbulb blinking on, and they were good thereafter.

(Don't worry, they're demonic in all sorts of OTHER ways.)

[lacalda]

I am just vouching (like you care, having never met me, but since this is the International Internet, I have insta-credibility, right?) anyway.Vouching for the quiet time thing and also the "no out of bed unless you are bleeding" thing. It is so hard, but my daughter gets escorted back to bed in complete silence. Over and over and over again sometimes, but usually after a night or two of us totally ignoring her except to say "we'll talk about it in the morning" and then putting her back in bed-- well, she gives up for awhile. I do make sure she is physically ok, but other than that, there is no fun with Mom and Dad after lights out.We have to do the "quiet time" thing in lieu of naps, too, but it really can work.

[lacalda]

I almost forgot the other thing we do-- threaten to put the side back on the bed. She never tried to climb *over* it when it was on there and so this works because she thinks she is trapped in there with the side on-- and hates it. Of course, one test of it and this will cease to work, but its an effective threat.

[mimi smartypants]

I love "Something." These kids need to learn how to be better liars. Nora is always like, "Mommy, wait a second! I need to tell you something." I say, "Okay, what?" and she says, "Um...something...." Right.

[Moose]

This may not work for children over 8 months old, but family lore has it that my father used to put port in my bottle. To prevent that hard-to-explain infanticide, my mother would have to drive around the neighborhood in the middle of the night while my father filled me up a pink bottle. Worked like a charm. And I turned out fine. Slightly alcohlic, with a taste for port, but I sleep like a champ.

Port in the sippy cup, perhaps?

[Nadarine]

My ex's mother, who raised four hyperverbal kids, swore by "nighttime juice": equal parts grape Dimetapp and water.If there was any damage, it was a taste for inappropriately sweet cocktails later in life.

[honestyrain]

giiiiiiiiirl, you are singing my song. only it's my four year old who will NOT go to bed, will not will not will not. and i have resotred to every tactic you have mentioned and others. when a grown woman finds herself begging a four year old to please go to sleep so she can watch the season premiere of LOST in peace while eating a bag of chips with the best onion dip ever, said woman has ended up wandering down a path she had not planned to take. a sad and pathetic path.

it's almost bed time...better get my wrong path walking shoes on.

[Christa]

See, we gave in. Totally and completely. He sleeps with us now. We do the bedtime routine and then one of us lies down with him and he goes to sleep in 20min. and stays put. We get our couple time and he gets his sleep. Would it work with a 3yo? Can't say. Mine's 2. But so far, so good. We figure he'll probably leave our bed sometime before high school. Good luck.

[warcrygirl]

I try to not say 'bedtime', instead I tell Captain Destructo that it's time for a bedtime story. He gets to pick out the book and afterwards it's no problem keeping him in bed. Every now and then they both try the "I'm thirsty!" "I'm hungry!" routine and I have to use the "Tough Shit!" routine.

Good luck!