Chasing rabbits
May 31, 2011Let's talk about the meds. The MEDS. Goddammit.
Here's a brief overview of what's been going on, medication-wise.
In December, the Prozac I had been taking, successfully, for years, decided to stop working. Just like that! I took to my bed.
A few days later my doctor put me on Remeron, because it's fast-acting. I had never heard of Remeron. Scott said it sounded like Scooby-Doo saying "Enron," which sounded about right.
The Remeron worked great--SO GREAT IN FACT that in April, my doc suggested I go off the Prozac. Since it wasn't working, right?
Then, a few weeks later: ruh roh. The depression returned, but even worse, like it was all mad at me. My doctor put me back on Prozac--but since the Prozac takes a while to kick in, he upped the dose of Remeron. He did this twice, until I was no longer feeling completely and utterly sick and like my life was draining from me. So that was good.
But then I started having these…episodes. In general I'm a little lightheaded and spacey, nothing too dramatic, but enough that I need to hold onto handrails and should not operate heavy machinery. As if I ever should. But the episodes are far more dramatic. When these hit, I get so lightheaded I am about 99% sure my life is ending, imminently. My vision gets fuzzy, my limbs feel like they're not mine, I'm nauseated and shaky, and in general I feel as awful as I've ever felt in my life. Like I'm just bathed in awful.
Unfortunately the first time this hit, I was taking a nice long walk to visit my psychiatrist's office, which is about 4 miles from my home. How cheerfully I set out on my mission! There I was, happily marching across the Gowanus Canal, when my vision started winking in and out and I felt like I was floating and my arms weren't mine. Unfortunately every time I stopped to sit and regain full consciousness, it became harder and harder to stand up and get my limbs (the ones that clearly belonged to someone else) moving again. So the breaks became more frequent as I neared my destination, until I had to sit at pretty much every block. Sometimes just right there on the street. (Well, against a building. I didn't just plop down in the middle of the sidewalk.) An intelligent person would have tried to get a cab at this point, or sought out the nearest subway stop, but, you know.
I told my psychiatrist about this when I saw him, but by then I had had some water and some quality sitting time in his waiting room and actually felt fine. So maybe the extent of the awfulness I felt didn't come through in my retelling of it. He responded with something noncommittal, about keeping an eye on it, etc. Then it happened a few days later, and then again, and then another time, and each time it seemed even more likely that I might face-plant on the sidewalk. (Why always outside, Brain? Can't you do this when I'm near a fainting couch?) I thought maybe it was low blood pressure, but it feels also an awful lot like how I felt when I became anemic during pregnancy. Or maybe it's some thrilling combo of the two.
At any rate I Googled, as one does, and the Googling brought up a lot about Remeron and passing out, and I called my doctor, who recommended I stop the Remeron for a couple of days and then restart at the original dose. Of course there's a withdrawal syndrome for Remeron, of COURSE, but the danger that I might black out is more pressing, to my doctor's way of thinking, than my temporary discomfort. Which means that I might feel awful for the next few days, and I wouldn't even mind this so much except that I'm going to my college reunion this weekend. I apologize in advance, my Wellesley sisters, if I throw up into a flower arrangement. I probably won't. Probably.
The other problem with the Remeron is that I can no longer sleep. This is sad, as I enjoy sleeping. Remeron is supposed to help you sleep--in fact, it's often used to treat insomnia. In my case, I have to take it when I am on my way to slumberland, or I get a case of the Restless Legs that's so bad there's no way in hell I'll sleep that night. It seems, somewhat not surprisingly, that taking a pill, washing it down with some water and then squeezing one's eyes shut while thinking "OH MY GOD I NEED TO FALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW OR ELSE" is not the most relaxing way to drift off. So I worry, and if I'm lucky I fall asleep anyway, but even if I do I tend to wake up every hour or so with some INCREDIBLY URGENT THOUGHT in my head. A few nights ago I lurched out of bed because I Had To Print An Email! And Read It To Scott! For instance. If I don't fall asleep, which usually I do not, I lie in bed twitching and dying and considering calling the Church to see if they'll give my legs a nice long exorcism.
While the Remeron gives me trouble when it comes to sleeping, my doctor has assured me that going off of it will cause (wait for it) sleeping problems. But then the Klonopin might help with that, being a benzo and all. It's getting very Go Ask Alice, around these parts. Maybe I'll wash these Bennies down with some LSD! What? Don't be such a square!
UGH. I can't believe I just wrote all this about these drugs. And now I'm going to publish. And you're going to read it. And I'm going to get an alarmed call from my mom. AGAIN. My poor mom.
Reader Comments (98)
This sounds utterly exhausting; my sympathies. I have no useful advice, nor anything funny to say to distract you from all this upsetness, so may I just recommend the movie Bridesmaids since that's funny?
Dude! Take care of yourself. As far as I know, Calgon does not make an Awful & Milk bath, so no bathing in awful.
Perhaps a pocket, inflatable fainting couch is what you need. Let's see who we can call about that...
Alice, I'm so sorry, this just blows and it's totally unfair. I hope you know how brave you are for enduring this and moving forward and continuing to try. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, and if that's the case then you're wrong. I know you're helping people by sharing this - let that be your horrible excuse for a silver lining.
That just sucks. Sucks so very mightily.
I'm so sorry. Wish I could help. I'll send healing vibes your way (heeeealiiiiiiing viiiiibes - feel that? no?). Also, nice thoughts.
Alas, I don't pray, so I can't help there, but I hope karma will work more quickly than it is sometimes wont to do (y'know, like NOW - NOW would be good).
Hang in there. Please.
Oh God, it just all sounds so awful. I'm so sorry your brain is doing this to you.
There is nothing to do but work through, and keep striving for balance. If it's any consolation, it's about striving for balance for every last one of us here. Internet hugs coming your way, Alice. INCOMING!
(See, I warned you.)
From one MDD person to another, I have to tell you - this made me LAUGH. Like REALLY laugh. And you know how rare that is when you're in the middle of an 'episode'.
Of course, I was laughing in sympathy. I do do hope you feel better. I'm in the middle of switching as well, and I'm taking Pristiq and starting Abilify tonight, which scares me.
Also, have you had your hormones tested? I'm seeing this AMAZING psychoendocrinologist She is incredible and ran some tests that showed that certain hormones that are your 'feel good ' hormones (androgens) are so low in my case as to be nonexistent. Without them, it's impossible to well, feel good. To quote my dr., she could teach a class about me, b/c she's never seen levels like this, esp. in a 42-year-old woman
Sharon! You have a psychoendo--I CAN'T EVEN SPELL THAT. Where'd you get that?! HOW DO I GET ONE?!
Has your mom called yet? I don't think she needs to. After all, you just wrote a post, and you're a writer, so you must be fine, right? You're working!
I just saved you, like, an hour of phone time.
Also, I took Abilify for a while. It just didn't work, but I don't recall any side effects. So don't be scared by it. If a scaredy-cat like me can do it, you can.
Hi Alice. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. The closest I can even come to your experience is quitting Zoloft cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I had heart palpitations for weeks that were a bit dizzying - disorienting. But they passed. I know you will find the right meds combo and be feeling better. When I went thru post partum depression after my daughter, it took about 6 weeks until I felt "myself" again (after going from zero Zoloft to 100mg at mach 3) but I would get glimpses of feeling good.. and I started eating again which is important. Gosh Alice, doesn't "Get well soon" sound so trite right about now? But from one person to another (who has been in the deep hell of depression), really.. get well soon. We love you.
I am really curious about the psychoendocrinologist, as well. I went off my meds when I got pregnant, but, rather than experiencing any ill effects, I've consistently felt happier and more level than I have in years. So I'm wondering if the hormone soup of pregnancy is somehow good for my brain, and if I should maybe go on some sort of bc pill or something similar and see if I can keep the effcts going after I deliver.
Oddly enough, it just occurred to me that my craziest times happened after I went off the pill in the first place (I'd been on it pretty much non-stop for fifteen years before then.) Weird, since the only thing I've heard about the pill is that it can cause the blues, but who knows?
I'm really curious about this.
(Sorry about the slight derail, Alice. I wish you the best, and I'm glad your psychiatrist seems devoted to helping you work out the best levels for your meds. Here's hoping the adjustment period is over soon!)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have some experience with crazy side effects and withdrawal, although mine involved (mostly) other meds, so I'll tell you the nutshell version just in case it's in any way helpful.
Drugs tend to either not work on me, have unpleasant side effects, or both. Lyrica set a new standard. As far as I can tell, the side effects only happened when I was outside as well - driving, to be specific. I would hallucinate two things - squirrels, and a specific green car - darting into the lane in front of me, and swerve to avoid them. This was bad enough, but I also developed severe neurological tremors and spasms, which were bad enough to send both my hands flying off the wheel at once.
With the other drugs that have given me severe side effects (Cymbalta, Klonopin, Effexor) I'd come around to thinking cold turkey is the way - because the withdrawal's gonna suck at some point anyway. And in this case, yeah, it sucked, but I was glad I didn't wait, because 2 years later I still have the goddamn tremors (much less severe, but enough that I can't use small keyboards). My understanding is that retaining side effects like that is quite rare, so I don't mean this to be a scare tactic - just a faintly possible factor to consider.
I hope you get through this as painlessly as possible, and that you find the right meds for you.
This might be totally unhelpful, but I too have the mysterious Restless Legs (though not medication-induced, just... there), and much to my surprise taking a couple advil lets me go to sleep. Doesn't kick in immediately, but doesn't take too long. Your leg restlessness might be more ... rigorous.. than mine, but thought I'd share just in case.
Hope you feel better soon! -ish!
I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. I will also be at the Wellesley reunion this weekend. If I see you throwing up in the rhododendron, I would be happy to bring you a glass of water or a damp towel something. But I hope there is no need for damp towels. I hope you're able to feel well enough to enjoy it! (This is my first reunion, and I am very excited.) At the very least, if I see you, I will try to not be awkward if I am feeling self-assured enough to say hello!
I can relate, my friend, though not to your extent. Please accept my "it sucks" sympathies. I wish you all the best.
I'm having one of those moments when I feel oh so very grateful for my mental health, and not having to deal with all this with the drugs... So sorry, Alice. Hope you can find a balance that works soon!
(hoping my comment didn't sound trite ... or whatever... I really am grateful for people like you and Heather Armstrong for speaking about what it's like dealing with depression, and trying to find the right drugs that work well enough with fewer side effects, etc. It's something I never even thought about until reading posts like these, and appreciate being made aware of this struggle and being able to understand it even just a tiny bit.)
Oh lame, dude. Lame lame lame. So many freaking hugs from California.
Marcy, not at all! Thank you for helping me feel a teensy bit less narcissistic.
I'm sorry you've been going through this! But I am delighted to hear I might run into you at Reunion this weekend. And if you do throw up in a flower arrangement, I'm sure people will either think you've been reliving the good ol' days of MIT frat parties, or that you're knocked up. Hope you're feeling better by the weekend.
Oh. Ma. WORD.
Only you can make me laugh about depression and the dang meds that come along with it! =)
I have had my own lovely few months going off Lexapro and dealing with the FUN that comes with it. All the while having a 2.5 year old GIRL (drama) and a 6 year old boy (energy) about to be home all the time with the lovely summer vacay.
I have great timing.
We will get through it.
Humor me.
p.s. if you think restless legs are bad, try restless left arm. had that the other night, and was pretty sure it would end up being a syndrome named after me. =)
Doesn't sound fun at all and you've got my empathy. Nice post, and I'm glad you wrote it.
Hope the re-union goes well... I lived in Wellesley for a short period (high school!) and would never go back there willingly, though I do have almost-fond memories of spending time at the Wellesley College library.
I'm usually too lazy to read ALL the comments, but this time I did, and I'm also fascinated by the fact of an psychoendrocrinologist. How COOL. Also, are they only in New York? Probably. How does one find a psychoendocrinologist?
Gosh, here's to finding the right mix of meds, and soon. Those episodes sound frightening. Like the worst kind of black-out flu plus a dizzy hangover, plus low blood sugar, all at once.