I am haunted by hotness.

There’s something that’s been bothering me. And I think you know what it is.

That’s right. It’s the other Alice Bradley.

For years, Google searches for me have suffered at the hands of the other Alice Bradleys of the world.

There’s Depression-era cookbook author Alice Bradley. (I have a few of these books, so if you have a craving for Mock Veal in White Sauce or Anchovy and Catsup on Toast Points, I can help.)

Then there’s former slave Alice Bradley. (Do yourself a favor and look at that link. I’m not sure whether to be amused or horrified. Or both!)

Not to mention pseudonymous science fiction author Alice Bradley. And Alice Bradley, author of "The Governor's Lady," and some Alice Bradley who wrote books under the name Cousin Alice, and then a whole heap of dead Alice Bradleys.

Still, my ex-boyfriends could usually find me in the first few Google pages. Find me, and see all that they were missing.

But not anymore. And it’s all her fault.

I’m sure she’s a very nice person. She has pleasant hobbies, such as candle-making, and knitting. And lounging on floors of hotel conference rooms. She’s not afraid of a little dust, or off-gassing! She also enjoys striking suggestive poses near plants. And I’m glad for her!

Not to mention, she shows that models “can be hot and live a regular, quiet lifestyle.” And for years I had feared that my quiet lifestyle would destroy my looks. Thank you, Alice Bradley, for showing me how I wrong I was.

But lately she’s been cramping my style. Recently I’ve had to interview some wary subjects, many of whom Googled me and discovered that young men on the Internets are calling for “more hot pics of Alice!!” One subject actually emailed me and asked, “Is this you?”

Yes. For when I am not interviewing physicians, I am inevitably lying nude on a wood floor, rose petals tastefully shielding my nips. (Link NSFW, more or less.) Then I settle in for a quiet evening of candle-making. Nude candle-making.



There must be a term for this. Google-impaired? Google-hobbled? Someone! Come up with something!

Comments

[victoria]

Nice to see you embracing your Doppelganger.

[Terry]

This is why I love you, a complete stranger I've never met:

You are too effin' funny!

By the end of you post I was ROARING with laughter.

I'm not sure which image I enjoyed more: "you" in front of the plant or "you" on the wood floor.

Actually, I think it was the entire entry that had me rolling.

" 'Is this you?' "

Hilarious!

[Mir]

I believe this is called the phenomenon of misgooglesentation.

Hey, at least they're confusing you with a hot chick. The entries that come up for my name are not flattering.

[schmutzie]

When googling my actual first and last names, a really cool car comes up a lot. Now I'm remembering one spring a few years ago... I slipped on the ice and slid under the back end of a parked car, banging my head on the fender as I went down. When I pulled myself back out and hoisted myself up over the bumper, there was my name in silver! I thought it was the coolest thing, because growing up, nothing ever had my name on it.

[Eulallia]

Just post some sexy, partially clothed pics of yourself on your blog. Then when they come looking for pictures of her, they'll see you and be converted to the REAL Alice Bradley! No one can resist you!

[braine]

As I said to Mighty Girl when she posted a pic of a Maggie Mason tombstone, try being named William Braine and doing a Google image search. I'm more screwgled than you!

[LetterB]

Ha! Screwgled - i like that. Googleganger? Dopplegoogle? Ogleganger? Hmm...

[honestyrain]

her abs make me hate her because if you have had children and have abs that look like that i am required by the law of self respect to hate you. plus, she has stolen your name and so, there is no hope of my ever tolerating her existence. i am done with the other miss alice bradley. for good.

[Helen]

Seems to me she should have knitted herself a nice cardi or two, she'll catch her death one of these days and then who'll be sorry? I shall be visiting your blog much more often than her website, did you read any of her replies to the questions?.....she's been staring pensively into the distance so much she's forgotten how to talk properly.

[Marigoldie]

Remember that scene in American Splendor when Paul Giamatti (as Harvey Pekar) talks about looking in the phone book and finding a few other Harvey Pekars? That knocked me out.

The suspsense you built here was perfect--I really laughed when I saw the other AB. You couldn't have made up anything funnier.

[dd]

Okay - when my name is googled, people find a 60-year old man who got a mail-order bride from the Phillipines. They have apparently done some porn together, as well as copious interviews.

I am 28 and female. No porn - especially not with any mail-order bride from the Phillipines.

I voted for scroogled also, though google-deficient seems to work as well, plus it has the added hilarity of being pseudo-politically correct :)

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Hmm, you haven't been googled, you've been "isthisyou-gled?"

Last Christmas, I had to tell everyone who asked if I had an Amazon wish list, that I was NOT the one requesting the Home Depot bendable screwdrive, the Neil Diamond CD, the breast pump, or the fire engine playset. There were ten of us with the same name, and it would have been an interesting Christmas if I hadn't, I tell you.

[Lisa V]

I hope you washed your jeans after rolling around on the hotel carpet. Ew.

[Widow Emerita]

Silly you! You forgot to include how you, Meg Nelson and Amy Ford led the Wellesley Widows to a triumphant finale in April of 1991. I am *sure* that is what all the Alice Bradley seekers are really after...

http://www-tech.mit.edu/V111/N20/widows.20a.html

[Laziza]

Screwgled! Yes!

[alice]

Oh, god, I was going to use the Widows link, but I have post-a cappella shame.

[Dawn]

She's a stay at home Mom? With the knitting and the candle making and the floor rolling?And the excessive wearing of crocheted bikinis - that I believe she made herself?

Shit. My husband better not discover this. He's settled for ultra sarcastic in Spooky Flannel halloween pajamas. He knows not of this alternate univers.

[surcie]

Give her some credit, y'all. She is BALANCING a rose petal on her left nipple, for goshsakes.

Those men looking for her but finding you were confused by Google. . .Confugled.

[surcie]

BTW, a search that's out of whack could described as kerfloogled.

[mignon]

In this case I would go with Ew-gled. Except the aritistic photo section. That thar's some class. Freshly glazed class. Just like a Krispy Kreme.

[Sue Davis]

My name, Sue Davis, is being cybersquatted by somebody who will sell me the suedavis.com name for only $395. Screw em.

There are one zillion Sue Davises out there. Why couldn't Mom and Dad have been more creative and named me Hyacinth or LilyBelle?

[Kaguya Hime]

Hi! Fellow Blogher member de-lurking!

Well, I feel your pain, as a fellow woman who has been Screwgled. If you put *my* name into Google, you get eleventy billion websites advertising my "hot nude pics." Evidently some C-list movie actress and I have the same name, spelled exactly the same, and she had a bit part in a Jason horror movie where she was violently massacred, but not before she took off her top and pranced about for a while.

I can only imagine what people I went to high school with think of when they Google me. *groan*

There's also a heaving bosoms-style romance novel writer who has my name as well. What *is* it with me and smut?

[clickmom]

The other AB does not look like an Alice. No, she looks more like a Bambi or an Aurora.

When I google my real name, I only get nerdy scientist types and other do-gooders. BORING!!

[M&Co.]

Wow! I google me and I find a writer-filmography who made a bunch of films (none of which I'd ever heard of) in the 40s, 50s and 60s. How kewl is that? And the best you got was a nude model? At least she is exotic looking.

[MFA Mama]

Google a-go-goed?