I hate titles, do you know that?

I’m sorry I haven’t posted sooner, dear readers, but truly, you wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me. I have been nothing but whiny and listless these days. Last night, I spent hours reading back issues of People I borrowed from the building recycling bin (Is Britney Spears gaining weight? Sweet Mother of God, can it be?). I have a headache and my legs aren’t working right and also my skin feels funny. I’ve been better.

It’s nothing serious, mind you. I know serious, and this—this is a day in the park. A day when you can’t find a shady spot for your blanket and when you finally do the yellowjackets swarm all over your lemon bars, but still, the park isn’t all bad! Those guys over there playing softball are enjoying themselves, aren’t they? Stop crying!

The Republicans were around recently, as you might have heard, and that didn’t do much for my spirits. Watching the Zell Miller-bot head jabber maniacally tore a small hole in my joie de vivre. Also, I read this book review about the near-inevitability of nuclear terrorism, and I might have freaked out a wee bit--I decided to move us all to Iowa, actually. I was all set to go but my husband pointed out that maybe I shouldn’t make major life decisions based on book reviews. And summer is over, which normally I’d be all hoop-dee-doo (why can’t I use real words as adjectives?) about, but when you have a toddler, it's more or less vital to go outside at least twice a day and let said toddler run in crazy circles until he releases the devil spirits inhabiting his tiny frame. In the winter, it’s a little like “The Shining” around here, only with crayons instead of an axe, a little less blood pouring through the hallways, and…hmm…actually, in every other way it’s identical to “The Shining.”

But the real problem is that creatively I have found myself at a standstill. The kind of standstill where you think maybe you're a talentless hack who can't construct a coherent or entertaining narrative and oops, you wasted half your life trying. I have the first draft of a children’s book finished, two essays sort of begun, countless drafts of short stories that need work, and a novel for adults (note: not an adult novel, which is a different, sexier thing and would probably pay more) that I keep abandoning and then running back to, begging forgiveness. Lately, every time I sit down to work, I flit from piece to piece, glancing at and then fleeing in horror from each one because it turns out that I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. There’s nothing in my brain but a low, steady hum, interrupted periodically by a tiny voice squeaking, “Alice! Hey, Alice! You suck!”

I realize that right now I’m not the best judge of my work, so I continue to struggle valiantly against the urge to delete every document and/or set my computer on fire. But I’m not entirely sure how to get back on track and stop hating every word I’ve ever written. Do I stop trying to write for a few days? Or a few years? Or do I grimly return to my routine—which currently means sitting at my computer, hands poised above keyboard, hyperventilating quietly and waiting for the hour to be up so I can rock back and forth in a corner somewhere?

What would you do, reader? Alternately, what would Jesus do? Answers to either of these questions would be most appreciated.

Comments

[jen]

wwjd? jesus would tell you: "hey, relax. don't be so hard on yourself. it is nearly impossible for you to do anything in addition to taking care of a toddler. everyone knows that your toddler may be singular, but because they have at least 13 different personalities (all of whom appear at once) so really your one toddler is equal to at least 5 toddlers. i am impressed that you work so hard at being a great mother and something else. it is hard to be that "something else." most women struggle with this for their entire life. i am proud of you. stop reading newspapers and watching tv. i may be the son of god, but i gave mary trouble, too. i gave the original meaning to the terrible toddler."

that is what jesus should say to you. i also agree with "the great one" that you are doing a great job. continue to write --- even if you think it isn't worthwhile. i would be thrilled to read ANYTHING you write, finished or not!

[Mir]

Jesus would have some ice cream. He told me so.

[jilbur]

Apparently, this is what Jesus is up to nowadays (thanks Mindy)--however, more to the point: I don't know if it helps, but I do think 'mommy brain' is a factor here. And what can you do about that? Ummm ... beats me ... all I can write, I swear, is my blog--and I get blocked sometimes even with that. But if I were in your place, I would probably grimly write shit, unrelated to started projects, for a set amount of time each day (an hour too ambitious? thirty minutes then) until something that pleases you starts to flow. That may refresh you enough to go back to your projects--or you may spontaneously start writing something for one of your projects during one of those hack sessions. I think some compassion for yourself and low expectations may be helpful until you rise from the ashes like, um, some weird birdy thing.

[Viktor]

Everything I've ever read/heard/been instructed about writing is to do it everyday. Just sit down and write. As Jilbur said, doesn't matter if it's crap or not, just write and eventually something will come out of it. It's the practice not the quality of the writing that really counts for most writers.

[Beth]

You know, the real question is, what would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

[sac]

Write all the time. You should see the enormous amounts of files on my computer that are filled with total crap. As opposed to the total crap I approve for release into the interweb. Anyway, you crack me up, and really, that should be your ultimate goal, so keep it up.

[Robert]

I'm always hesitant to give writing advice since I've proven so poor at taking it, but two things that help me are to stop in the middle of a sentence each day. It gives me a launching place the next day. And when I get stuck I turn to an author's work I admire and just start typing sections of his or her work. It makes me see their rhythms and patterns I can miss when simply reading their work.

Oh yeah ... sleep is good, too.

[Sheryl]

your nothing is better than most people's something. we are all slaves for the finslippy; write about cleaning the lint filter on your dryer, or whatever.

[Elizabeth]

As my mother used to say about Paul Newman (wait - she STILL says it)...

Some people are so talented that you could sit and watch them read the phone book.

That's how I feel about you, finslippy.

This won't help, but it's true that exhaustion, block, dried up.. happen to every writer. It happens to me weekly.

I think Jesus would be at McDonalds for the best 99-cent sundae in town and then up playing in the tubes at the PlayPlace.

:)

[Abigail]

I am a blog-reading lurker, just popping out of the woodwork to say:

I heard an episode of On Point (that AM820 WNYC call-in show) with the author of that book review. They reran it the next week. Now, in Harlem, I wake up periodically in the middle of the night flipping out about it. I don't even have a kid, though. Your self-torture scenarios are undoubtedly worse. Nonetheless, I feel you, as the kids say.

(Also: the last time I woke up with this fear, it was from a terrifying dream about a dinner roll and a piece of string, and that dream was somehow quite as terrifying. Go figure._

[Anna]

If it makes you feel better, you're doing better than me...you wrote a whole post and I can't get up the energy to write a good comment.

[Melissa S]

It's very late and it was date night tonight....but I'm sorry I broke you too. Because I think I broke myself and apparently it's catchy.

Oops! Sorry!

[Jake]

I'm not sure what Jesus would do, but I know he WOULDN'T be all up in that poor grocery clerk's face like that.

You know what? I think that man was lying. He wasn't Jesus.

[mainja]

well, through the blog one good thing (http://buggydoo.blogspot.com/) i was introduced to this version of what jesus may say... http://www.ebaumsworld.com/swearingjesus.html

as for feeling untalented. we all have days where we can't see the things we're good at. and you my dear woman, are very very good at this.

i am not experienced at this, but my suggestion is to just force yourself to keep writing. maybe you don't feel ready to work on your novel or review your kids book or any of that stuff, but make sure you write something every day. write in a journal, write a one page story, write on your blog (which of course is the favourite choice of everyone here) but just keep writing. write about mundane stuff. i echo the comment suggesting writing about dryer lint. just write. make some time for yourself, even if it's only 15 minutes a day...

[toni]

I once had a writing teacher who was sort of rambling on and on about things like Heidegger and Sarte and talking shit about writers who didn't make the time daily for writing and about the writers who tried, but weren't brilliant (apparently as brilliant as he felt he was). He looked at me, for some strange reason expecting me to agree and I said, "You know, it's really hard to be 'deep' when you're following a toddler around all day trying to make sure that his extreme curiosity with the outlets hadn't enabled him to take the covers off and stick a fork in, like he'd been trying to do. Sometimes, there's no time for brilliance. Just practice."

So, look at the stuff as practice. Brain surgeons really shouldn't practice, but pretty much every writer has to, and with practice, you'll get better. It doesn't matter that everything sucks right now (which I doubt very highly that it does, because you continually entertain here), but still -- you're not trying to pass this off as perfect. You're aware you're still working on it. And that's the beauty of writing (and rewriting and rewriting)... you can make it better. We don't get to see all of the unfinished crap all those professional published authors have hidden on their computers, or I'd be willing to bet we'd see a high crap-to-good ratio with them, too. It's the practice that got them to where they want to be, and you'll get there, too. (Anyone this consistently entertaining will.)

(And clearly, you people don't know Jesus well enough because he'd have chocolate covered strawberries.)

[Miel]

Well, since you asked...You DID. You asked. So I'm not being too much of a pain in the ass or even if I am you asked. And I say: Don't stop writing. Just don't. Also, I hate to say it but you probably can't anyway! Writing causes enormous torment...why? I don't know but I don't know whether the torment is a side effect or whether I write IN ORDER TO BE tormented.

Write even when the voice in your head sounds like a quacking duck. Write even though you are sure what you wrote is utter shit. This is my theory of how to finish things. I'll shut up now and email you instead.

[Loody]

Have you read The Artist's Way? You probably have, right? If not, here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0874776945/qid=1094807330/sr=8-6/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i6_xgl14/002-8575698-9768020?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

I think it's really encouraging about stuff like this.

[schmutzie]

Here's what I do. Don't quit writing, just cut down for a while, like keep up with 3/4s of your time commitment. Spend the other quarter you would have spent writing knitting or dusting tiny corner with knitting needles and kleenex. The mindless activity frees something up, and it also makes you realize how much writing doesn't suck nearly as much as cursing over dropped stitches.

[Gertrude McFuzz]

Maybe you are suffering from Post-Traumatic Republican Stress disorder. All those Stepford people so sure they are right about everything. It's been depressing here. I watched the Zell-bot too and that's enough to put anyone off their feed.

I put you on my favorites list and I don't even have a kid so I'm guessing you are not a talentless hack. Just saying.

[Jenny]

I love your writing. Don't stop! Don't stop!

[kristin]

HM. I think Jesus would slap John around a little for starters. Writer's block makes Jesus VIOLENT. Me, personally, I would write about my dental history. I wish I were making a haha, but I did that very thing just yesterday. UGH.

[Lisa]

Maybe writing books is not "you". Personally, I think you'd be great at writing a column, but I'm not sure how that compares to a book deal.

Sit down with one thing and don't look at the other works in progress until you're done with one... even if you have to take a breather in order to come up with ideas for that one. Finish one thing and move on. You can do it!

[Lynne]

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

[Anna]

There are always going to be ups and downs in the creative process. All you can do is hang on and be persistent. Accept the fact that you will always produce a certain amount of crap, and that you will feel uninspired some of the time. The best way to produce some good work and to take advantage of inspiration when it does come around is to be regular in your habits.

And the best kind of regular writing to do is something personal, like a blog. Heh heh -- I just made that part up. Write whatever you want, and we in internet land will be thrilled if it includes your blog.

[Jesus]

Holy Me!

I dunno. I've always found that cheezits are the answer to all of life's problems. Ohh Cheezits, sweet sweet deliciousness.....