Needles and the damage done.
February 3, 2006So! I went to an acupuncturist. All the goodness and the excitement has been a bit too much for my delicate constitution. There are papers to sign and papers we can’t find that we need to find and enormous life changes to freak out over. Accordingly, I have spent the last week either shaking, crying, or hyperventilating. Or all of the above! Together! Which was quite alarming for Henry, although I did my best to hide from him while I was freaking out or convince him that I was either a) having an allergy attack, b) exercising, or c) crying out of sheer joy. He didn’t buy it. “But you cry when you’re not happy,” he said, and then he grabbed my face and said. “I love you. I. Love. You. Alice.” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh so I did a little of both.
This acupuncturist came highly recommended, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to try, although my one and only other acupuncture experience had been traumatic. That time, the acupuncturist covered me from head to toe in needles, set a timer for fifteen minutes, turned the lights off, and left the room. I was wearing only a paper gown and I was so covered in needles that if I moved any part of my body, strange crampy pains washed over me. I couldn’t even move my face. Eventually I managed to relax. But then! The timer went off. And no one came to get me.
I waited. And waited. And waited. I tried not to panic, because when I panicked I tensed up, and then the pain started. I tried to relax. I was cold, and I was shivering, and the shivering was making everything hurt. I began emitting a noise like a dying yak. I could hear movement outside the door, but I was sure they had forgotten me. My dying-yak sounds grew louder. And louder. Eeeeeerrrrrr. EEERRRRRRR.
Finally, the door opened (TWENTY MINUTES LATER) and the light was turned on. And it was a horror show, my friends: the paper gown covering my chest was covered in blood. I have friends who get acupunctured all the time and one friend who practices it and they all say sometimes there’s a tiny bit of blood, but this was not that. This was like the bucker of pig’s blood had tipped over my head and I just wanted to be liked and AIIIEEEE! Now everyone will die!
It wasn’t good. The only good thing was that I didn’t have to pay.
I told this new acupuncturist about my last experience and she shrieked a little and clapped her hand over her mouth. I approved of her reaction. And then she assured me that she would only insert a few needles hither and yon, and that I was her only patient so she definitely wouldn’t forget about me. So far, so good.
But then while she’s sticking me, she’s asking questions about our apartment selling. And I tell her how we had all these bids on our apartment, which is great, but it also meant crushing the hopes of many nice people who had told us in no uncertain terms that ours was the apartment of their dreams. And the acupuncturist murmurs, “Let the agent deal with that,” and I tell her that we’re selling it ourselves because we can’t afford the agent’s 6% take, boo hoo, we have no money.
And here, kids, is her reply, in the same soothing murmur: “That’s a common misconception, as agents are more experienced with the market and can accurately price your home. You may not have to pay the six percent but all that means is that you probably priced your home too low and now you’ll get less for your home than you would have with an agent. I’m all done with the needles, “ she breathily concludes, “and I’ll check on you in a few minutes.”
Then she leaves, and I’m lying there, in the dark, wondering: did I find the one acupuncturist/real estate broker in Park Slope? And at what point can I call her back in and tell her we priced it just fine, and anyway we got more than the asking price, and also, shut the fuck up?
Reader Comments (72)
Or, you know, I would have just said nothing and then starting crying when she left the room. No doubt you handled it better than that.
I was getting a massage last summer when the masseuse started kneading my arm and saying, "Hmmm. A lump! That's not normal. Definitely cause for alarm! You should get that checked out" and as I lay there anticipating a future cancer diagnosis I felt the same lump in my other arm, which I pointed out to her to which she answered, 'Oh, you're right. It's a bone! Hahahahaha!"
Maybe she knows your acupuncturist.
Congrats on your apt. sale!
At least she didn't make me bleed!
I find it amazing that people have such a lack of self awareness that what they say might be rude or upsetting to someone else. These people just spew information without regard to the ears it lands on.
All in all, wouldn't you rather be insulted than covered in blood? I would say that each visit is getting microscopically better at least!
The apartment is sold, I'm sure you did fine, and there was NO BLOOD. So. All is good!
If you had a real estate agent telling you how an acupuncturist should needle you, would you take that advice? No? Point made.
find a happy place...find a happy place...find a happy place...
But the whole 'no blood' thing sounds great - keep her!
And then my mechanic reminded me that I should breastfeed.
So now, I just hire one professional - a guy who knows about lawn grubs - and have him come check my engine, do my taxes and take a pap smear all in one afternoon, and I'm saving a lot of money.
The acupuncture bloodbath story will haunt me tonight.
BTW, my cousin is leaving Brooklyn also. She is in tears. Google "Adzentoivich News" - there is someone else going through the same thing as you right now...except without the bloodshed.
He could get some work writing screenplays. Or at least soap operas.
Anyhow, isn't it ironic the crapy things people will just throw out at you. Most of the time they have no idea how incensitive they are, or if they do, they don't care!!
Silly woman.
It looks like you got needled twice, girl. And to that I say:
She can stick it where the sun don't shine:).