Naughty, naughty toy designers.

Henry has a couple of toys that, I'm sorry, are just really dirty. This could be my undertaxed imagination at work--or it could be a conspiracy led by a covert league of perverts.

My parents recently gave Henry a ring-toss toy that my nephews used to enjoy. The center of this thing, the object upon which the rings are tossed, is a large, flesh-colored stalk, topped by a red bulb with a smiley face on it.
My Mom hauls this device out, thwaps it on the floor, and calls out, "Henry! Come say hello to Mr. Penis Head!"

And that's my Mom who made that observation. My Mom, who once, completely innocently, asked Scott and me what a "boner" was.

Mr. Penis Head is a giant phallus, and I can't see how he can be viewed in any other way. I don't think he could look any penis-ier (I made up a word!). Not if his head squirted when rubbed vigorously. Etc. He's a penis.

Henry loves Mr. Penis Head. We snap pictures as he gums its smiley noggin, but I think I can't print them out without risking jail time. Even making such an observation is probably a federal offense. Hey, Feds--I'm just saying! Sheesh.

Also!

Henry has this pony. Not a real pony. A rocking-chair pony that we purchased from Toys 'R' Us. The wily people at Toys 'R' Us made the store very, very loud, so that we couldn't hear what the pony sang when his ear was tugged.

Then we got home, and we listened. And here it is.

I'm a pretty pony
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop
Such a pretty pony
Clippity-clop, clippity clop
I love to have my coat brushed underneath the old oak tree
So jump and run
We'll have lots of fun
When you come and play with me.

The lyrics are maybe not so creepy when you read them. (Although I think the phrase "I love to have my blank blanked" is going to be really dirty, no matter what you put in there.)
But they're intensely creepy when you hear them. They're sung by a breathy tenor whose voice positively trembles with anticipation. I can't help but picture the recording of this little ditty. The producer pushing Mr. Pretty Pony--a middle-aged, moist-palmed, slightly balding guy, with an eerily high-pitched giggle and a predilection for Hello Kitty paraphernalia-- for "more pedophile."

The pony's other ear, when tugged, elicits the following: "I like it when you brush me!" and "Let's go for a ride!" Strangely, these comments are purred by a woman, which either indicates that it was too creepy when the guy tried uttering the same comments, or that the manufacturers of this pony ride are suggesting that the pony is some kind of pansexual hermaphroditic love-beast.

Know what I just figured out? Know what? Do you? Bet you don't.

"Covert League of Perverts" = CLOP.

As in clippity-clop.

Is your heart beating as fast as mine? I'll be up all night, trying to decipher what "clippity" could mean.

Anyway, Henry really likes his pony.

Comments

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Cornholing Legionnaires In Pursuit (of) Pornographic Equestrian Toddler Youngsters.

[Debl]

Committee (of) Like-minded, Indecent Pony-Purveyers Eagerly Tethering Young'uns

[MAB]

Clippity - cute little insipid plush playthings in taudry youths

[meh]

"the pony is some kind of pansexual hermaphroditic love-beast"

LMAO ... my friend has this horse ... and sadly, I know what you mean when you say that.

[Andrew]

Augh! We have that same pony! (I found you by googling on "I'm a pretty pony such a pretty pony.") My wife and I argued over whether the voice is "just a guy who works in the company who lost a bet" or "hired talent." I'm not sure which is creepier.

[Mir]

Okay, I just laughed loudly enough to wake the child who has often peed on me because he sleeps so deeply that even when placed on the potty, he rarely wakes up.

But I'm totally surprised that when you pictured Mr. Pretty Pony's recording session, you didn't see him playing with Mr. Penis Head....

[Deen]

My stomach hurts so bad from laughing! We OWN that pansexual hermaphroditic love-beast and I must say that both the song and the phrases are pretty damn disturbing.

Hubby goes around the house quite often singing "I a f-ing pony........I love to have my c*&^ stroked underneath the old oak tree............"

sigh.

[Carrie]

um, I am familiar with this pony, my neighbor has it, my daughter loves it, the song is annoying and we go around singing it for no reason, not sure if it is perverted but could be .... let me ponder this....

[Gabrielle]

I found this by searching "I'm a pretty Pony." on google.
While getting a drink in Woolworths me and two of my friends see with thing and squeeze its ear.
To our horror and dismay it begins to sing.
Its mouth doesn't move in time with the lyrics, and its amazingly entertaining, but more scary.

I was in awe, and filmed it on my mobile phone to capture the moment.

Gabeh.x

[Dave]

I bought the stick pony version of that toy and was creeped out by the lyrics and voice too...I imagined it as a serial killer..

I'm a killer pony
choppity chop
choppity chop
such an evil pony
choppity chop
choppity chop
I love to slice your head off beneath a blood red moon
so run and scream
It's not a dream
when you come and play with me .....