Why I haven't posted in a while.

- I’m writing this week for a dog food company publication. No, really. You know what I’ve learned? Dogs like to be fed! And housed! Also: loved.

- I’m obsessing about how awful our living room is. It’s really awful. Papers are piled on every available surface, toys are scattered on every available inch of floor, our rugs are prickly with dog hair, our furniture is ugly and causes us injury, the lighting makes everyone look like they have cancer. I’m determined to change everything, make it all pretty and good and healthy and THEN I'LL BE HAPPY, RIGHT? but I haven’t the resources or know-how. I’ve heard those are two good things to have. I’m so obsessed that I actually borrowed from the library not one but two books on feng shui. So far I’ve learned that our living room is so un-feng shui that we should have developed leprosy long ago. If we don’t cover our walls in mirrors and wind chimes and scatter goldfish all about the floor, hungry ghosts will knock open our cupboards and steal our rice. I’m fairly convinced it’s all a lot of hoo-ha invented by those funny people over in the East, but I’m willing to think differently, should anyone care to convince me. As one concession to the mysteries of the Orient, I moved a (miraculously, through no effort of my own, still living) plant to a dark corner that had hitherto only housed spiders and dust bunnies (sometimes together! Spiders love company!). We’ll see if the improvement in our chi flow leads to increased riches and improved relations with our elders.

- My son is REFUSING TO NAP. Naptime is post-time. So you see. Instead of napping, Henry sits in his crib and shouts, “Mommy no! No, Mommy, no!” I’m convinced he knows that this will always get me to give up on the nap, because I’m afraid the neighbors will think I’m a child abuser. It’s only a matter of time until he’s learned “Please, Mother, not the iron! Oh, why must you drink so much?”

- You, my loyal audience of readers, have been composing such hilarious and entertaining comments that I hate to interrupt with my prattle. Really: if any of you haven’t been reading the comments, you’re missing out. Apparently everyone who reads my blog is even more beset by vermin, poop, and Jehovah’s Witnesses than I am. I’m amazed you people can do anything but lay your head in your hands and weep. So: carry on!

Comments

[Doug]

"Vermin poop." Great name for a band.

[ben]

I don't think I'm funny enough to post in your comments.

(see?)

[jilbur]

My Jellybean was not 'from the sleepers,' as my sister put it, so if Henry is just now tapering off on the nap thing--welcome to what I experienced for my daughter's entire baby- and toddlerhood. Even when I could coax her to sleep by taking the most boring walk I could devise in the stroller, chances were she'd wake up in forty minutes, tops. And people wonder why I put her in preschool so young ...

As you may have noticed, I'm trying to make this comment not especially entertaining in hopes of starting a trend that will result in your posting more often.

[sac]

Feng shui only works if you are practicing tai chi while moving the furniture about...slowly. If done correctly, the resulting arrangement of couch and plant is transcendent and you will collapse to the floor in a satisfied heap. Oh those Asians, they know what's up.

[Melissa S]

The loss of nap will not do. Will not do at all.

Have you tried saying something like, I don't know, "Mommy drinks because you won't nap."

I think this was the key for us! Good luck!

[ben]

On the nap thing:

Tell them there are insomniac children in [insert random country here] that would give anything to be allowed to take naps.

[Mir]

Oh, dear. When mine refused to nap, I just agreed cheerfully... and said "Okay then, you're right, you're a big kid, now! Big kids have quiet time instead. You may look at books in bed until I come to get you." When necessary, I would throw in an offhand comment about the cranky nap monsters under the bed coming out to eat any child who was not only not napping, but dared to leave the bed during quiet time. Seemed to work for us.

Oh, and? Those purple "Reveal" lightbulbs by GE are mahhhhhvelous. I have replaced every light in my home with them, and feel substantially less crazy now. They take care of that cancer-appearance problem quite nicely.

[Rana]

Oh, man. You _must_ go out and read _Feng Sh*t_ (actual astericks in the title). It's as amusing as it sounds.

[AnneWhitney]

Oh my life went straight to he** when my twins stopped napping and now things are so bad that I too am contemplating the feng shui thing and my friend from Hong Kong swears by this guy in Queens who comes and tells you what to do - she even had him check out her house before she bought it - because without the naps - really - I need all the help I can get.

[samantha]

all I know is that when I moved my bed to face my bedroom door, I could sleep better. So maybe it works!!

[dayment]

1. It’s only a matter of time until he’s learned “Please, Mother, not the iron! Oh, why must you drink so much?”
2. My boss insisted that we move our ten-year-old jade plant to the far left corner in our living room (from the front door) to make us prosperous. Feng shui thing. Over and over again he insisted on this.
So we finally moved it.
The fucking thing DIED in like three weeks. A ten year old plant and BAM! We had that plant in like four cities and two countries.
I despise feng shui.

[toni]

My oldest son and I were walking through the mall (I loathe the mall, but it was a necessary evil), and because I loathe the mall, I was saying "no" to just about every place he wanted to go. We had reached a very crowded area and I had just draped my arm across his shoulder to guide him out when he grabbed my wrist, pulled my forearm across his throat, pretended as if I was choking him and hoarsely (but loudly) said, "Please, Mommy, please, I promise I'll be good." Over. And. Over. The little monster was so strong, I couldn't pull my wrist away and the more I tried to fuss at him under my breath and pull my arm away, the worse the whole thing looked. People were staring, people were nudging each other, and I swear the only thing that kept me out of trouble was his little brother laughing so hard, he had to sit down. To this day, they both still think that was one of his best pranks.

[c]

My house really needs some kind of organizing help, it's all fenged up.

[Rita]

You could try what my friend Eric did when he adopted his dog, Runtley. Runtley peed on the bathroom floor, then (sheer coincidence, of course), it started raining. Eric told Runtley it was raining because God was mad that Runtley had peed.

[account]

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