Like Canada, but sexier--much sexier.

Everyone’s so down on the red states for, well, being red, but no one has talked about the other great schism in our country: the men vs. the women. The majority of men voted for Bush, while more women went for Kerry. What can we conclude from this statistic?

Isn’t it obvious? The men must go.

Sorry, guys, you had your chance. You could have voted for Kerry, but Bush reminded you of that bully from junior high who sent you notes in class that read “meat me after school so I can kick yur ass”and who invited everyone but you to his pool parties; you secretly always wanted him to like you and now he does because you voted for him hooray! You are totally going to his pool parties now! You can play Marco Polo with Dick and Karl! And then George will be all, “Dick, heh heh,” and you’ll laugh, “Good one, George,” and you’ll put up your hand for a high-five and he will totally high-five you!

“But I didn’t vote for Bush,” I’m sure some of you will protest. Well, neither did I, and I’m stuck with him. If you had talked more of your men-friends into voting for Kerry, we wouldn’t be in this mess. If, just once, you had turned down the volume on your porn rental and said to your friends, “Dude, we have to make sure Bush doesn’t get reelected. He will send this country straight into the toilet, bro. Right? Dude,” you could have changed the course of history. But no! You had to find out why those lady plumbers helping Amber with her faulty massaging showerhead were so erotically dressed! And what were they doing to her with that plumbing snake? Wow!

So here’s what I suggest: we come up with some equitable division of the states—I don’t care how we split it up, as long as I don’t have to move. The men get to live in Circle-Jerkania or Enormous Penisland or whatever the hell they want to call it. Bush will be their leader, and as such will rationalize getting into all kinds of cool wars where tanks can shoot buildings and go BOOM and SCRROOOSH and he can illustrate his reasoning with his Hot Wheels collection. As for the women, we will live in our country, Gynomerica, where Kerry will lead his people (he will call us his “Angels” and we will get all red-faced and giggly) into a future of untold peace and prosperity. We will have four-day work weeks, because working is good, but let’s not get crazy about it. The women can marry each other, if they so choose. The ones who don’t lean that way can visit the men whenever they want, and then drive back in their electric cars to their clean and quiet neighborhoods. And when our male neighbors from the South (or wherever) attempt, as they undoubtedly will, to invade and occupy our great land, we’ll unleash our military, whose finely honed powers of Shaming will emotionally devastate the enemy and cause them to retreat, weeping, back to their lean-tos*. Who's with me?

(*In my imagination, men can’t even get their acts together enough to build houses.)

Comments

[Justin]

Well, I think it sounds allright, but do gay men get to live in Gynoamerica. You will need someone to decorate right?

[Mia]

Count me in.

[christy]

Let me be the first to sign this petition - and also to volunteer to send my husband. He can be the mayor of Footballville or Golfopia.

See ya in Gynomerica!

[sarah]

I think I might actually leave Canada to move to Gynomerica.

[dr. dave]

Can I come if I get an operation?

[Jenny]

Yes! Exactly!

[Mir]

God, Alice, you are BRILLIANT. I'm all over this. Before I dreamed of the Momume, but a Momune in Gynomerica is WAY BETTER!

[sac]

I blame the women for Bush's re-election. If you would have just stopped thinking of yourselves for 2 seconds and offered up your bodies for free sex to any and all "undecided voters" if they would promise to fucking DECIDE already and vote for Kerry, then we wouldn't be in this mess.

[Sheryl]

It's a beautiful

idea

, and here is one to make it extra beautiful-er

[Sheryl]

Sorry, I become incoherent when I'm excited.

[windylou]

Why? Why does everyone dog the South? We aren't THAT bad!

[Victoria]

Sorry, I can't give up my Kerry-voting husband--he hasn't finished the kitchen remodel yet, for one thing. And frankly, I don't even think I'm acquainted with any male Dubya supporters. (Wrote "Bush" initially, then thought better of it.) I'm afraid I can't quite succumb to the temptation of even satiric generalizations.

Besides, the Shaming has already begun.

[Robert]

Aren't there more women than men in this country? Wouldn't that make it ... ummm ... the women's fault?

I don't know about Footballville or Oprah-town; I just want out of this red state.

[New Blue Shoe]

I'm just hoping that some of us Kerry-votin', phallus-havin' folk will be allowed to stay in Gynomerica by requesting asylum. Because you know that the bully also stuck firecrackers in places they shouldn't go, and I don't want to be there when he graduates from cats to shoes.

[Zieak]

I understand how the rational men were outnumbered by the NASCAR men. I just don't understand how they pulled themselves away from the television long enough to vote.

[LOD]

Does this mean we'd have to set Lynne Cheney, Karen Hughes, Katherine Harris, Condi Rice, and Ann Coulter adrift on a raft and tell them to fend for themselves?

'Cause I'm for that.

[Karen]

Woohoo -- I'm in! My daughter and I are packing as we speak (seeing as we currently live in Texas, otherwise known as The Reddest State On The Planet).

One thing, though -- can we bring my husband? He's English and therefore couldn't vote -- but if he could, he would have wholeheartedly voted for Kerry, seeing as Bush makes him physically break out in hives....

...lemmeno.

[Daria]

This is a brilliant proposal! Rock on!

[Karalin]

Yay for blushing! I am totally a Kerry Angel! *cracks up*

[sveedish]

Where do I sign?

[elswhere]

Oh, you know I'm there.

Especially fond of the four day work-weeks.

[Joolie]

Would it work if the men came to visit us in Gynomerica instead? Imagine how tacky our shoes would be after a visit to Circle-Jerkania, and besides, why should they get our tourism dollars?

[vena]

i'd just like to comment that my roommate, a few weeks before the election, had a dream about making out with john kerry
*giggle* *blush*

[lizardek]

I'm voting for YOU in 2008!

[Coralie]

Teeheehee.

Thanks for that!

[abby]

I love you.

[G. McFuzz]

I'm with you! Yay.

[jilbur]

Hmmmm. I'm thinking of more XX types on the blacklist--Camille Paglia, f'rinstance. Oh wait--I'm pretty sure she has a penis ... And on the other side--what about Jon Stewart? Can we set up some kind of seraglio situation for certain especially savory Kerry-supporting men?

[MetroDad]

Hahaha...great post. Just a few things...

1. Would it be ok if the women took the South? Because you're always cold and trying to turn up the heat?

2. Who's going to kill all the spiders? Conversely, who's going to take care of us when we're sick?

3. If I promise to cook and do all the cleaning, can I come live with all of you? I think Guysville would quickly turn into some sort of Land of the Frat Boys.

[carla]

Okay, see, Sheri Tepper wrote this book already--"The Gate to Women's Country"--except it wasn't nearly as funny. (Good book, though.) I admit that I'm torn between letting men apply for admission and only letting them visit, though I'm leaning toward the former. but I also have a whole LONG list of women I want to banish--the above-named, of course, plus Phyllis Schlafly, plus, well, any woman who voted for Bush. They can live with the men and wash the socks or something. Plus pick up the underwear and cook the meals (we probably get most of the fancy chefs, so we got that going for us, too). And we get all those tax dollars, too! And a raise.

[Deb]

You are fabulous. Count me in.

[Shari]

I was going to mention "The Gate to Women's Country," too. I recommend it. The scenario's a little like you describe, but more post-apocalyptic primitive. The men live in camps outside the women's enclaves, and they "protect" the women, see, from the other camps of men and the other women's enclaves. The men fight among themselves, and the women socialize, get the useful work done, and secretly run things. Men are allowed in to live in the enclaves but only if they give up being warriors, so of course no manly men do. The warriors just get to come inside on festival days (wink, wink). There's a lot more to it, and some twists I won't reveal.

Another excellent feminist future-fiction book is "Woman on the Edge of Time" by Marge Piercy. Visions of two futures - one cooperative, non-violent (feminine) future, and one sexist, violent (male) future.

Thanks for taking my mind off the election for a few minutes...

[FrumDad]

Only problem is that eventually W (or one of the people with their hand up his... well, he's a puppet, that's the image I'm going for. Nothing dirty. Though a little violative.)

One of those people would realize that you women are possessed of particular resources that, like oil, the men in Gigundo-Penis Land want, want more of every day, and don't want to think about conserving at all.

In fact, the only difference would be that research into "alternative fuels" has already been done by every teenage boy on the planet, but there's only so far that hand lotion and the internet can go.

Oh... was that too much information? Sorry.

Anyway. Who do you think would be the first country to get the old "BOOM and SCRROOOSH" treatment.

Except, as enemy combatants, all the women would then lose the vote and the right to a lawyer. Though you'd probably get a good tan at Gitmo.

....

Also, I'd miss y'all.

--FD

[aj]

speaking of the south:
www.fuckthesouth.com

[Miel]

Word! By the way am I psychic? I knew I would find a new post here when I came by. I liked Kerry. SERIOUSLY. But, uh...can't we get a woman president...in Vaginalandia or wherever it is. 'Cause if we can't that's rather lame.

Ah, the power of the guilt trip. How many times has that defeated a mighty army. Lots, actually! Well, maybe only once. In India...with Gandhi and stuff. But it could totally work. I can see it now. But some self help books may be involved in our psi-ops.

[lengli]

Shaming. Now that's a military I (and most likely any Angel) would sign up for. I love it.

[Malvina Reynolds, Prescient as Always]

Speaking of how We don't need the men, they'd look cute in a bathing suit on a billboard in Miami.

[Michelle]

Lurker, first time poster. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[DM]

I agree with abby. I love you too. You are so funny and brilliant and this is a great plan. When should we start the revolution?

[Lioness]

WHY HAVE I NOT FOUND YOU BEFORE??? You are fabulous! I read your comment over at Julia's, bloody brilliant. I can't quite believe I'm saying this but I ADORE Americans like you. I'll read on now.

[Lioness]

DM??? What on earth are you doing here? You knew abt this and DIDN'T TELL ME??? You are gone.

[mainja]

excellent. i mean, i love my home country, but if this happened, assuming there was universal health care too, i'd be tempted to join you...

for now though, i'll just stay in canada, i'll wait until you get it well established.

[Old Prospector]

Fine! Who nee'ds ya anyways! You'll com' bac to us! Ya al'ways due! aHe Heee Heee Hah hee heeh!

[robb]

I think that the men should be (under some equal protection law) NOT allowed to vote for the same number of years that the women were not allowed to vote. Hell, how about if white people were not allowed to vote for the same number of years that they kept various minorities from hitting the polls.. or say that a white vote counted for 3/5ths that of a non-white for historically obvious reasons. I say this with all seriousness as a white male. Please?

[Kevin Hayden]

Will comments 4 weeks late, take? That was funny as hell.

I woulda said something sooner but there was a game on.