Toddlers talk funny, and sometimes we misunderstand them, to humorous effect.

To the commenter who wondered if Henry actually accomplished his attempts at oral self-love: Yes. Yes, my son achieved that most enviable (or so the men tell me) of all acts, and I sat there watching. Then I called the circus, tried to see if I could get him signed on. I mean, what are we in this for, if not the ka-ching potential?

Ha, ha! I was being funny, when I said that! You see how I am Humorous after all, in addition to having begotten a child!

So no, that didn’t happen, but this did. Imagine, if you are able: Scott comes home; Henry and I are listening to music, as is our way at times (those times being when we are not making Playdoh pancakes or weeping into our fists).

Scott: What are you listening to, sport?
Henry: It’s a song about fucking.
Scott looks at me.
Me: That’s not what he’s saying! He’s obviously saying something else!
Henry (delighted): It’s about fucking! FUCKING!
Me: I know he’s saying something else! I just can’t identify what it is!

I waited for him to lie his dinosaur on top of Spider-Man and say, “Like that! Fucking!” But fortunately for me and sadly for this blog, no.

Now before I endure another onslaught of scandalized emails: PEOPLE. He was not saying that. He speaks in the charming but often baffling language of toddler-ese, where f’s become s’s and “puppies” becomes something obscene. He was probably saying “It’s a song I enjoy very fucking much.” Like that! You see!

Comments

[anne]

the mere mental picture of spiderman and a dinosaur getting it on may require a bit of therapy before i'm ready to put it behind me. although... that was pretty *fucking* funny, altogether.

[mainja]

perhaps a song about trucking? or mucking. or bucking. or tucking. or yucking. or...

ahhh, gotta love kids.

[schmutzie]

Toddlers are one of the few types of people left on the planet that can still be truly alarming when they speak.

[Summer]

I get it. My 2 year old says things that sound awful, just because he is 2 years old and cannot speak well. For instance, when he says "seat" (which for some reason he prefers to "chair") it comes out "ass". So when he says "Mama ass BIG!" he isn't disparaging my petite heinie, but instead alerting us to the fact that I sit in a grown-up-sized chair in the dining room.

When I was 2, I couldn't make the "tr-" sound, and I would replace it with "f". There exists an audiotape of my father coaching me to say "fire truck". FIRE FUCK! FIRE FUCK! FIRE FUCK! I still haven't lived that one down. In fact, I'm not sure why I just told you that.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, here's where I finally confess we actually have a VIDEO of my son shouting "dumbfuck!" over and over while he points to a dumptruck, grinning. The video was demanded by his then teenaged giggling older siblings, but it held no candle to the many times I'd be holding him, chatting with a (no doubt) elderly neighbor, and the inevitable truck would rumble by. D. would joyfully shout out: Dumbfuck! Dumb! Fuck! and I would just smile politely at the neighbor.

(aka Betsy)

[kelly]

Tyler's first sentence was *fuck it.*

Sadly, it didn't mean anything else. Bad mother, me.

[ChickenFlicken]

Ha! Your story made me remember one of my favorite moments of humiliation at the hands of my cursing child. I'm not going to waste it here, however, I'm going to go put it on my blog.

I'll give you credit for making me cringe at the memory, though. ;)

[Psycho Kitty]

Why, oh why, did it take me so long to click through to you? I could have been laughing my ass off months ago!
Yeah, mine said "fuck" instead of "walk" for about 2 months. And boy, did he like to talk about walking.

[Meredith]

You most certainly deserve the HUMOROUS award. Such good stuff. I guffawed enough to cause my dog to rush to my rescue at the image of crying into our fists. Damn, I wish I could unleash the tears enough to need a container, say a fist, for them. Thanks for the good, strong giggle...

[Jen]

As we picked up my hubby from the airport once Friday, my daughter pointed at my hubby and exclaimed "Hi, My Fucker" at the top of her lungs. What she was actually saying was "Hi, my finger." She had closed the door on her hand earlier that morning, and wanted him to look at it and probably kiss it. However, my husband starting mumbling about that is why I have to watch what I say in front of our daughter since she is going to learn all the words I use. After he finished his ranting, I pointed out that her mouth was full of Elmo Fruit Snacks, and she was holding out her finger to show him her boo-boo, and she most certaintly does not consider him a fucker, but I was real close myself.

[Elaine]

Is this what I have to look forward to?

And my daughter spends an inordinate amount of time hanging out with my mom and all her Church friends...

[Kelly AKA Fat Housewife]

That is pretty funny. My son was helping us paint his room and when he spilled some he said "Oh shit" in a sad I just fucked up sorta way.We laughed on the INSIDE.

[pismire]

I like making my niece (who is 2 1/2) say fire truck because she says "fiah fuck" instead. I don't think her parents appreciate it.

[Jane]

When my niece was about two, my sister and I used to giggle at her requests for "ass cream" (ice cream).

[Liz]

Okay, this one isn't actually *cursing*, but... my husband was about four years old when he got to ride a pony at preschool. Telling his father about it later, they had this conversation: "An' the pony's name was Yucky!"

"The pony's name was YUCKY?"

"No, Dad! Not Yucky! YUCKY!"

"Yucky?"

"NO! YUCKY!"

Repeat ad nauseum. Luckily for me, sometime before my husband entered first grade, his father finally figured out that the pony's name was LUCKY.

[LOD]

There's a missing element here. What was the song?

Because if it was "Gett Off," the kid's got a point.

[alice]

I will never tell what the song was. NEVER.

[alice, uptown]

You may have to learn how to say "holy moly" in lieu of your expletives of choice so that Henry doesn't go to nursery school and tell his teacher, "fuck the horse you rode in on," and so forth. Meanwhile, Henry's exploits are getting more and more entertaining. I'm laughing a lot.

[Tracy]

OK, I'll chime in:

1. When my daughter was 18 months old, when she said "juice" and "shoes", they both sounded the same. I'll never forget how she gave me this horrible, frustrated, "you dumbshit" look when I kept trying to show give her shoes when she just wanted to drink some juice.

2. I became very frazzled at the grocery store once when the car seat had inexpicably broken and I had to get our 2-year old home. I called my husband on the cell phone and was wailing -- he said, "just drive slowly". So, I get home and when I get in the house, the first thing out of my daughter's mouth was, "Daddy, the fucking car seat is broken." My bad.

[Allison]

I can't resist putting in my stepson's most famous misunderstood word. James likes Thomas the Tank engine. When I say like I am really not doing it justice the kid LOVES Thomas. But he also likes Percy, Thomas' friend. And really up until now, when he's just turned 4 he couldn't quite get that "r" in there. So it was Pussy. In fact it has been Pussy for 2 years. If you are familar with some of the Thomas videos, this translated to such fun as "Dirty Pussy," and "Chocolate Covered Pussy" - which were our two favorites. Hurray for media saturation at an early age!

[chrislovespugs]

I'm a teacher, and in my first year of teaching 6-7 year olds, I was merrily going along with a phonics activity.

It goes like this: You have two sets of cards, one with beginning sounds and one with ending sounds. You can mix and match them in a variety of ways, but I was keeping the end sound the same, while flipping over the beginning sounds. Sometimes the two sounds make 'real' words, sometimes they are 'made-up' words, the point is that they are able to 'read' the words phonetically, with speed and accuracy.

I was doing the 'it' ending. Unfortunately, as I was a young and inexperienced, (stupid!), teacher, I had the cards in front of me so I COULD NOT see them, but the class could.

Can you predict the ending...?

p-it
m-it
ch-it
th-it
f-it
sh-it

The whole class cracked up laughing and I went crying to my supervisor that I had just made the WHOLE CLASS SAY SHIT!

I was, however, relieved we weren't doing the 'uck' ending!

[Gen]

My 3-yo son was fond of saying "blow me" for a while. He meant "blow ON me," so that I would blow air in his face to tickle him. It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes!

[Pharmgirl]

Loved the blog, but Jen's comment just made me cry until I hurt for about five minutes. Thanks...I needed that! Whew!

[Speech Pathologist]

I popped in here b/c I love humor. Wish I didn't need to post this anon: All these good people here who ask you to stay and ignore the jerks are RIGHT. Take a break if you need, too, but please don't leave. I have credentails that don't make me better than anyone, but I sure wish I could use them in blogland to oust the FILTH those imbeciles must have hurt you with. I'm a SPEECH LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST and an AUDIOLOGIST. EVERYTHING you or other parents/people say lovingly about children is TRUE and NORMAL! I could "articulate" far more outrage at what those deleted comments must have done. For now: ((((HUGS)))). I 'm new here, but I want to come back and see more of your INGENIOUS WRITING. :)

[Lou]

I am laughing my head off reading these comments!
My ds keeps saying what sounds an awful lot like SHIT!
I keep telling myself it isn't that. . .but perhaps Mommy has slipped one time to many? Or maybe he picked it up from the Back to the Future trilogy he is so enamoured with? anyway- I understand what you are going through - thanks for letting me laugh about it!

[mai]

I don't often comment on blogs that I have only visited once or twice, but this is sad. Not that your son said what he said, but that some idiot has taken the entire thing out of content, and has gone so far as to say crude things.

Don't disappear. Let the moron be a moron as long as he wants. You're obviously above that, or it wouldn't offend you, so blog on.

If you decide to leave, we'll miss you, and we really hope you come back.

[Sara]

My one year old has been trying to repeat words for the past couple of months, and can say a few... But last week out of the blue, she broke the strap on a little plastic pail she was playing with and shouted, "Oh, FUCK." My friends and I were quiet for a few minutes afterward until Greg asked, "Did she just say what I think she said?" Yes. She did.

[thinkerbell]

OK....longtime lurker/enjoyer/laugher-until-tears-spew-from-my-eyes-almost-EVERYTIME-I-READ-YOUR-BLOG speaks out....

When I was a toddler, I looooved fried chicken. And we were also broke, so we ate Kentucky Fried Chicken a lot, and I subsequently developed an attachment to the Colonel's Original Recipe. Naturally I could not say Kentucky Fried Chicken with any eloquence AT ALL, so it always came out "Fucky Fry". In context, "I wan go Fucky Fry." Momma found this HILARIOUS and used to get me to say it in front of people at any opportunity. And she wonders why I became an actor....

And I'm really fucking sorry that those people were so cruel to you. No one deserves such treatment, and I was appalled to hear of it. Please know you get a great big hug from me, and a hearty thanks that you go right on keepin' on. That is remarkable, admirable and pretty kickass of you. I would've missed it very much.

Love from Stacy in Chicago

[lily]

Fixed.

[Betsy]

SNORT! Imagine my horror when my two-year-old screamed "BITCH!" at me in a voice that sounded something like that Redrum twerp in "The Shining." It took me awhile, but I finally figured out he was trying to say "Bets," which is my nickname.

But better yet was the day he looked at me and said, "Fuck, Mommy." I employed Mommy-reverse-psychology and blythely ignored him, until about 3 dozen "Fuck, Mommies" later I suggested that the word he was using is a word that will make other people sad, and perhaps he should whisper it. What ensued was an onslaught of "Fuck, Mommies" in gradually decreasing volumes, and Andrew demanding to know whether he'd said "fuck" softly enough.

Of course my daughter Phoebe is much more direct. One day after a tirade from my husband about how if he was going to do household chores he should just "fucking go to work," Phoebe informed Andrew that Daddy was out on the deck fucking.

Vive le F-bomb!

[Sue]

When we were waiting for a doctor appointment, in a playroom (and thankfully alone), my four year old was driving a "Flinstone" car, you know where the motor is the kid's feet? So she kept braking, looking out her window and and saying FUCK as clear as day. She also got out of the car and kicked it, saying dammit dammit dammit, (just like her mom did a couple of days before when our Flinstone car was acting up).

Mind you she has only been familiar with the English language, not to mention riding in cars, for seven months. Already she has driving and swearing integrated in her mind. ~:-o

[Amy]

I haven't laughed this hard in months! So glad my husband isn't home yet to roll his eyes when I try to repeat EVERY story to him becuase it is SO funny he has to hear it RIGHT NOW! I live vicariously thorugh all my child-raising friends, and it's good to know they aren't doing it right all the time. But kudos to those of you who are trying and I hope you teach your children humor above all. A new fan here.

[Jen S.]

Oh man..kind of interesting..as I am reading this I was trying to teach my nearly 3 year old how to say popcorn. She says opcorn instead. So my hubby and i were here saying POP corn and she proceeded to say quite loudly and proudly: POP PORN!!! :D Gotta love it.

[Sandra]

Well.. if it makes you feel any better, my 3 year old daughter routinely tells me to fuck off.. something she picked up from my 16 year old brother. It's wonderful.. life with a 3 year old.. isn't it?

[Jay]

Sorry but not a toddler story although our toddler does such things...

We were having a family Thanksgiving which included our very proper parents now in their late seventies (no swearing, no profanities, no curses) There were about 15 of us at the table including a four year old who was the son of my brother-in-law's sister. We're a talkative and somewhat loud family and as were are eating dessert this young boy says "Pass the whipped cream, please." No one hears him so he says it once again..."Pass the whipped cream, please."...still no movement of sweet dairy dessert toppings in the direction of said four year old. Frustrated the boy says (now quite loudly) "Pass the fucking whipped cream!" First silence at the table. Next a nearby adult picks-up a porcelin bowl of previously mentioned sweet dairy product and passes to the boy. Dessert continues... I laughed so hard later that day that I thought that i was goinfg to do myself harm.

[Rachel]

Your journal is absolutely HILARIOUS! And this journal really got me because my brother and I were babysitting several years ago and were in the boy's room when he sits down in this funny looking blow-up chair and says "This is my fuckin' chair."
We both looked at each other and then looked at him and said "What did you say"... again he said "This is my fuckin' chair."
It wasn't until many episodes of "Blues Clues" later that we realized that what he was trying to say was that it was his "thinkin' chair"... but it was humorous at the time, especially because he wasn't my kid and I hadn't taught him the word.
Now as for the time he marched around the room with his action figure saying "shit, shit, shit, shit" repeatedly... I have NO idea what that was. I asked him where he'd heard the word and he said "Around Town"... little punk!
Thanks for the laughs!

[Lori]

I realize this post was from over a year ago, but I've been surreptitiously working my way through the archives and trying to laugh without making any noise (at work. shhh...) and just thought I'd share my story. (by the way, I'm laughing so hard most days while doing this stealth archive reading that my sides hurt)

When my middle nephew was about 3, he played with some of the tough older kids (you know, the 5-6 year olds) in their neighborhood. One day, he came home and banged on the screen door to be let in. My sister went to the door to be greeted with "Hi Mom! Fuck You!!" He had heard the older kids saying this and took it to be some sort of greeting!

The best one though was when his loser of a dad (who had been kicked out a year or more before) called him. "Hi Dad!! Fuck You!!"

The rest of the family all thought this was the only greeting for loser-dad.