finslippy: If you take your child outside, here's what will happen.

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If you take your child outside, here's what will happen.

One day an unassuming guy you've seen hundreds of times in your neighborhood--walking to work, getting groceries, all the while harboring a delicious secret--will approach you, grin wildly at your child, and announce, “Say hello to me! I’m Uncle Bob! I’m the foo-foo man! I have chocolates and candy! I’m the foo-foo man!”

You have been warned.

February 04, 2005 | Permalink

Comments

What?

Posted by: kara | February 04, 2005 at 09:28 PM

Okay I'm an anxious worrywart. But, you've googled your neighborhood for sex offenders right?

Posted by: Wavery | February 04, 2005 at 10:15 PM

Sounds like you can translate this directly into, "Hi! I'm crazy! I like to eat children!" Lucky you.

Posted by: ensie | February 04, 2005 at 10:19 PM

I have never been so glad not to live in the city. Amen. And please put Henry on one of those delightful toddler leashes, mkay? Thanks.

Posted by: Mir | February 04, 2005 at 10:36 PM

De-lurking (cause I didn't do it in the past de-lurker fest *I can't believe I'm doing this*)-Anxiety junkies, knock it off. Your reading into stuff. Not the place to suggest scary scenarios. He had a "delicious secret". Obviously Finslippy is not scared, take the cue. Henry charm is not surprisingly, pervasive. Keep the stories coming, and Mountain Goats rule.

Posted by: Daisy | February 04, 2005 at 10:38 PM

Haw! That totally sounds like something I'd say to someone else's kid, because I'm pretty socially inept and I have kids of my own. Or...I'm drunk. Leave me alone.

Posted by: ChickenFlicken | February 04, 2005 at 11:16 PM

Yeah, I think the idea is he was just a lonely kooky guy trying to get a kid to say hello to him. Awkwardly, to be sure, but that doesn't make the guy a criminal. I mean, hey -- he's the foo-foo man!

Posted by: s-way | February 04, 2005 at 11:16 PM

i don't think he's lonely, and probably not even that kooky. i mean, i'm not sure where foo-foo man came from, but most people i know (myself included) turn into silly folks with silly voices using silly words when we encounter young children. i think their cuteness acts as some kind of kryponite for our intellect and we are reduced to being performing monkeys just to get one more toothless grin.

Posted by: mainja | February 04, 2005 at 11:47 PM

Make no mistake--it was nuts. Not as disturbing, however, as it reads a few hours later after you've posted it.

Posted by: alice | February 05, 2005 at 12:17 AM

wait, is it that you see him while YOU are walking to work and getting groceries, or that you see HIM walking to work and getting groceries? because -who's got the delicious secret? is it the foo-foo man? what can he be hiding when he's so eager to come clean about the chocolate? or do YOU have a delicious secret? is it better than chocolate?

Posted by: anne | February 05, 2005 at 05:33 AM

Is he a "friendly stranger in the black sedan"...? How creepy. Any self-described "foo-foo man" is just another Michael Jackson waiting to happen. Or a big fan of the Brady family featured in the Times.

Posted by: Victoria | February 05, 2005 at 07:18 AM

I can tolerate my own kids, mostly. I don't have much interest in or patience for anyone else's. So, in my experience, anyone who actively seeks conversation with or the company of children other than their own has got to be mentally unbalanced.

Posted by: Lynne | February 05, 2005 at 09:10 AM

A man once stood in line behind us at the market (not in the city...just a psuedo urban area) and said to my 2.5 year old, "Hi little boy! I'm going to take you home with me."

He was a very tall man with a cane and he freaked me out a bit and so of course my son was horrified. I kept hugging him to my leg as he started to cry and saying, "Oh this man is just teasing." All while trying not to make eye contact.

THEN he started to verbally berate my child for being such a 'cry baby'. WTF.

some people just have a *way* with children.

Posted by: melissaS | February 05, 2005 at 09:35 AM

So...what neighborhood is this again?

Posted by: JuJuBee | February 05, 2005 at 09:58 AM

Once when I was 12 this hobo (can I say HOBO?) offered me pot. If he had waited a few more years, I might have been excited.

Posted by: Em | February 05, 2005 at 10:19 AM

YEESH.

Posted by: Karen | February 05, 2005 at 10:28 AM

The big question really is: is it good candy or that crappy ass Easter stuff? A lot can be forgiven for good chocolate...

Posted by: Elaine | February 05, 2005 at 10:55 AM

This reminds me of a similar incident I witnessed yesterday! A conversation between a solitary man and a man-with-daughter started off innocently enough... "I've never had any children, but you seem to have this whole Dad thing figured out pretty well." "Well, ya know, no one really knows what to do blahblahblah."

Then... "So what's her name?" "Claire." "Hi Claire! Do you love your daddy, Claire? Hey! Claire! Hey, look over here! Claire, do you care about your daddy? Claire, tell your daddy how grateful you are that he cares about you!! Claire! Claire!"

This went on for a couple minutes, and it was absolutely frightening. The man-with-daughter then gathered his things rather hurriedly and left. Poor guy was just trying to eat a cookie with his little girl.

Posted by: H.E.R. | February 05, 2005 at 12:21 PM

Hey Alice,

How 'bout let's put a book together and sell it for lots of money. You be the author, and I'll be the agent.

Seriously.

B.G. Dilworth
Literary Agent

Posted by: BG Dilworth | February 05, 2005 at 01:29 PM

Seems Henry's learning early that there are odd folks out there. Of course, don't listen to me- I'm a youth group leader and babysit my friends' kids, so, according to Lynne, I must be mentally unbalanced.

Posted by: Michele | February 05, 2005 at 02:00 PM

Dear Alice,

I would also like to give you money from my vast coffers. If you'll be my bitch.

Think I am joking, do you? My corset is set so tight that I am incapable of irony.

Seriously.

Posted by: Hermione J. Millsap III | February 05, 2005 at 02:01 PM

hermionie and bg seem like the same person.

seriously.

Posted by: dawnkeyotie | February 05, 2005 at 02:08 PM

It would seem quite fine to me in that situation to make some remark that translates to "Get lost, freak."

Something like "I'm sorry, we can't really talk, my son doesn't like strange people"

Posted by: Carly | February 05, 2005 at 06:02 PM

My daughter and I experienced a similar interaction with a stranger last week. I was freaked out at first, but now I am fine and can laugh at the situation. I wrote about it on my blog, which I will link below if anyone is interested in the whole story.

My only advice, next time ask what kind of chocolate he has, and what his main role as "foo=foo" man entails.

http://therapyeggs.blogspot.com/2005/01/parental-fear.html

Posted by: Jen | February 05, 2005 at 06:38 PM

Yeah, um... weird. Except you can see how maybe this guy's not a total Michael Jackson freak, but just sort of inept. I think it's a call the parent-on-the-scene needs to make. And it's not like the Brady's (heh) let Henry just kind of roam about the big bad city without some sort of supervision.

So if Finslippy's okay with it, then I guess it's okay.

--FD

Posted by: FrumDad | February 05, 2005 at 09:04 PM

This post is further evidence of something I was surprised to hear in a lecture on body language I heard several years ago. The lecturer claimed that research showed that only 10-15% of communication was verbal. The rest was body-language, tone of voice, facial expression, and social context. Bottom line: it's not possible to evaluate the foo foo man's message without having been there (or knowing him).

Posted by: savtadotty | February 06, 2005 at 03:50 PM

Is it wrong that I laughed at Uncle Bob, the Foo-foo man? I feel like a terrible mom that I didn't react with shock and horror, but rather got a giggle. I was actually thinking of renaming my dog Uncle Bob, the Foo-foo man.

Posted by: Jenn | February 06, 2005 at 07:59 PM

yeah, see, maybe i'm just naieve because i don't have kids, but it really doesn't sound that dastardly to me.

and as for mentally unbalanced for actively seeking to speak to little kids, i do that all the time, especially ones that i might see a lot, like ones on my block and stuff. although i may say idiotic things in an idotic voice (although i have never claimed to be the foo-foo woman) i assure you i have no nefarious intentions.

maybe i should be more wary of my actions in the future.

or, maybe the fact that i'm a woman means that people won't make those assumptions about me.

Posted by: mainja | February 06, 2005 at 10:39 PM

Doggone it, Lynne! And I just offered to babysit my friend's kid! And now you've outed me as a person who likes kids and is good at entertaining them! Now who will my kid play with? Wait, my kid is also my wife's kid, which makes him someone else's kid! I shouldn't even be able to watch him! I guess I'll just have to go find some random kid to watch. If I could only get this damned thing off of my ankle.
You should work for the DHS, with that attitude.

Posted by: Zach | February 07, 2005 at 03:07 PM

hey, you must live near me because that guy so lives right next door to me. how thrilling. come for coffee. except i don't drink coffee and won't make you any but the kids can play and we can eat chocolate.

Posted by: honestyrain | February 09, 2005 at 09:46 PM

Hunting BG Dilworth. Is this thing on? In finslippy you?
Sorry to ask such dumb questions. One doesn't want to assume things.

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Posted by: adipex | September 27, 2006 at 05:48 AM

It would seem quite fine to me in that situation to make some remark that translates to "Get lost, freak."

Something like "I'm sorry, we can't really talk, my son doesn't like strange people"

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