If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Diagnose me, Internet: for the past three days I have had a blinding headache, my entire body aches, I am mildly queasy, and if I walk more than a few blocks I feel as if I should just lie down in the gutter forever. My guesses are hanta virus, or imminent death. Any other ideas?

Speaking of hypochondria, my husband spent last weekend obsessing over a mole that had suddenly sprouted on his wrist. The mole was all the things they say moles should never be: irregularly shaped, dark, raised, shiny, bumpy, mole-y. We enjoyed 48 hours of Scott peering at his wrist and whispering “Oh god oh god oh god.” Of looking at pictures of moles online and predicting the grim outcome of the biopsy and why didn’t he have life insurance and etc. So this week he went to the dermatologist, who diagnosed him with…

… a scab.

Yes. A scab. The mole that had suddenly appeared was a CUT that suddenly SCABBED. And oh, how I laughed. I laughed and laughed. There may have been some pointing. I’m not a nice person. I am now calling him Scabbers.

(My husband agreed to let me share this story on one condition: that I mention how, by the end of the weekend, he told me he thought the Cancerous Mole was getting smaller, and I told him that he was insane, that he was seeing things because he was so afraid of going to the doctor. So. But still. A scab! Laugh! Laugh and point!)

Speaking of words that begin with “scab,” my son’s itchiness has also been diagnosed. The kid has scabies. It took three doctors to figure this out. As I had joked, he was in fact being eaten alive by microscopic vermin. For MONTHS. One application of scabicidal ointment later, my son’s skin is smooth and clear. I shared this news with my mother, who shouted, “He has SCABBIES? I don’t understand! How did he get SCABBIES?” and I'd like to say that I told her he caught them from his father, but I wasn't clever enough, probably because of the parasite that’s eating my brain.

Comments

[Em]

Hee. A scab. I like Scabbers, that's a good name. My good friend recently had shingles, so then her name was Shingles for awhile. Not very creative, but funny!

It sounds like you have some kind of virus. But other than that, I don't really know. I suck!

[sharbean]

Internet diagnosis...hmmm! Here's my 2 cents: Perhaps it's a bladder infection. I've had a few that had me thinking I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or some other remote disease -- with no classic symptoms. But then again, I also felt that way when I was taking malaria meds. Believe me -- malaria meds are not pretty.

[Weeze]

Nah, everyone in New York has whatever this is right now. I have it, yes I do. Mine's lasted about three days and it's fading.

(I live in Prospect Heights, and I don't know you and you don't know me, but one day I'll recognize you on 7th Avenue and scare the hell out of you by saying hello.)

[Dr. Kennedy]

It's probably either galloping MS or some sort of on-and-off chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm pretty sure.

[Marivic]

Bird flu. We're all doomed.

[ChickenFlicken]

Oh, how you make me laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh. So funny.

Could you please post maybe five or six times a day? Please? Because you really, really make me laugh.

Thanks!

[jilbur]

ooooohhhh scabies. I am so proud of you. I had a babysitter quit me once because, while examining an odd rash on the Jellybean (later diagnosed as—wait for it ... bug bites!), I knitted my brow and said, 'hmmmm, I don't think it looks like scabies ...' And so the babysitter—a fourth grade public school teacher—quit on the spot saying that if I even remotely suspected that my child could have the dreaded filthy scabies, she didn't want to be in my home which, she assured me, she had already judged to be unhygienic. The ignorant little whore.

so all I'm sayin'? when you visit, bring your own Lysol. My household is a cloaca.

[Elsa]

Hmm, blinding headache, severe body aches, queasiness, and the impulse to lie down in the gutter forever... Well, I sometimes get that cluster of symptoms after talking to my mother. Could that be it?

[Megan]

I had symptoms like that once, for like months. They pretty much went away after the baby was born.

[karyn]

I'm glad to hear that Henry's skin is now looking and feeling better! Poor little guy.

Ha ha! A scab! I have become quite vigilant in looking at my husband's multitude of moles. He has already had a couple lopped off. The doctor must think we're crazy, but hey, I kinda want to keep him around for a few more years, so i say better safe than sorry.

[emma]

I so enjoyed your entry, i left the blogging world a while back, and now, thanks to this entry, I just wanna read more...

Aren't husbands children really.... lol

[Jane]

So nice to hear that poor little Henry is cured.
I once stood outside the school nurse's room while my best friend showed her the rash she thought was German measles, and laughed helplessly and tactlessly on hearing the diagnosis of flea bites.

[jill in nc]

anemic...or pregnant...
or maybe Henry's scabies have infested your brain? Hope you feel better, whatever it is.

[purplejoolz]

My sister-in-law noticed some tiny spots on the neck and chest of her first born, when he was very young. Turned out she'd dropped some chocolate on him while she was eating and it had melted on his hot little body!

[Fiona]

You have influenza.

[connor]

In fairness to the two doctors who saw your son first, scabies is known as the "great impersonator".
I really think that those internet sites that provide diagnosis should come with a prescription for valium (at least enough to take until you can get into the doctor), or at least a disclaimer, "this site may cause you to want to drink heavily"

[not-that-Andrea]

Hmmm. Your symptoms sound much like the plague. I know because I thought I had the plague some years back. A fever and a dark spot under my chin. Went to my doctor and he politely pointed out that the dark spot was a bruise and the fever was because I took my temperature right after drinking a hot cup of coffee. Ahem. So I'm fine now and plague-free.

[rothbeastie]

I just wanted to share a story with you. My boyfriend and I were cleaning out my parent's garage and apparently field mice had made nests in there because we kept finding little stores of bird seed and tiny dry poop thingies. I swept it up and I suppose I touched it some so my boyfriend was all, "Wash your hands, you'll get hanta!" and I was all, "I'm not a hanta, I'm a gatheruh!" Which I thought was really funny, but he didn't laugh. I'm still bitter about that.

Feel better.

[emjaybee]

Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but that's (headache, fatigue) pretty much how pregnancy is making me feel. But presumably you already ruled that out. Clearly, it is the plague.

[alice]

Attention commenters! I'm not pregnant! So don't get my parents all excited with your bun-in-the-oven hypotheses. Other than that, keep diagnosing. This "plague" is sounding promising...

[Burfica]

I can't get over the pointing and laughing. I thought I was the only one that enjoyed every second my husband prooves he's more of a dork than the average dork type person. Have you thought of vertigo??? Or mad cow dissease, bird flue, hanta, black plague.

OOoOo I got it I know. duh!!! You got a raging case of the massivly uncurable cooties. hehehehehe

[sac]

It's bloginosis. Catch it!

[ezugo]

Hmmmm, duno what diagnoses to give ya but I do have a remedy to cure your ills (whatever they maybe): Take two pints of Guinness Draft and all will be well. jk

That usually solves mine but I hope you get better.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

have you tried the harvard symptom checker?? i hope the answer is "its not a tum-ah."

and the scab/mole? my hubs has a mole on his head just like it and it is FREAKING ME OUT.

[Nobody]

It's Ebola. You're going to be famous.

[Summer]

Back in the olden days when I was a Bad Girl And Proud, I deflowered a virgin boy. Several days later, the boy found a suspicious spot on his upper thigh, and he went to the college health center and told them he thought he'd contracted syphillis. They diagnosed his spot as A PIMPLE. A pimple! Oh, how my slutty friends and I all laughed!

Also, I just posted a few minutes ago about my own unexplained itchiness, which my husband thinks is scabies. Even the word makes me feel itchier. Is a little bit of cream all that is required to fix it? I thought that you'd have to burn or boil all of your clothing and bedding, too. Come visit me and tell me if you think I have scabies. I don't want to have to sit in my doctor's waiting room for four hours just to be told that maybe I should consider showering more than twice a week.

[R]

*So* glad that I'm not the only pointer-and-laugher out there...hee!

[cyclopatra]

Internet diagnosis: Sounds exactly like the thing I had last month. Actually, almost everyone I know had it (and actually my grandmother wound up in the hospital with it, but her health was already not good so I wouldn't worry about that part). I think it's just a weird virus. It's definitely the most annoying illness I've had for a while, though.

[dr. dayment]

Mono?

[kate]

Great! And I thought I just had a sinus headache. How could I have been so blind! Why didn't I just check my handy-dandy pocket DSM-IV?? WHY???

[honestyrain]

i could consult with my vast knowledge of all things medical from my days as a twenty soemthing trying to diagnose her own undoing (turned out i was sleep deprived) but i shall not because i know deep down you don't want my advice. you are certainly as smart as i and will no doubt be quite able to cure thine self.

please tell your husband i a at once laughing and pointing but also heaving a sigh of releif. it could have been SOMETHING. it could have been. it wasn't, which is why the laughing and pointing, as you're well aware.

[Janis]

Shhhhh.. This is just between you, me and your hypochondriac husband. (Oh yeah and all of the internet)

Last month I started having severe pelvic pain and bloating. It hurt more on one side than the other but it had me doubled over at times. I was in tears it hurt so bad. I was convinced I had cancer and made an appointment with my doctor.

Turns out, I don't have cancer, I was ovulating. Me, the one who only ovulates once or twice a year and have not done so in two years was ovulating.

I'd forgotten how painful ovulation can be with cysts... Duh.. Cancer! Talk about an idiot. But having not done it in two years, I guess I can get a small pass on my idiocy. Right?

[judy]

Non stop headaches, disoriented, tired, just out of sorts, achey, no appetite...I was diagnosed with viral meningitis...no cure, just pain meds for the wracking headache...it just runs its course...a derned long 8-10 days...yucky..hope you find out what it is!

[Laurie]

Your symptoms sound like migraines to me. Mine have all those symptoms and three days is a normal amount of time for them to last. That's a bummer. Flu would be better.

If it does turn out to be migraines, my doctor recommended a great book called "Heal Your Headache: The 1-2-3 Program for Taking Charge of Your Pain" by David Buchholz, MD. I got it pretty cheap from half.com.

[Amy]

I just hope you don't have the same thing Geordi LaForge got on Tarchannen III--you'll need more than lotion to get rid of the ultraviolet sensitivity. (That should send Pretty Rambo scrambling for his TNG Companion.)

[Daphne Sullivan]

Maybe you should go to a Rheumatologist. Have you ever heard of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA for short)???? Get yourself checked out girl/ Hypochondria or not go to the DR! Love your blog!

[Fox]

(Unpacks the trusty tricorder)

Aahhh. Yes. Of course.

Diagnosis: Diptheria.

[Michelle]

Dude. Get some life insurance.

[palinode]

I can't believe neurasthenia is in the DSM. I thought it left the lexicon with the death of Victoria.

[dish]

Better to be laughed at for a scab than ignore an evil mole. Of course, you're getting this advice from the gal who thought that once again, her dermatologist would take the "suspicious" mole she had found and tell her -once again- that it was normal. Nope, this time it was melanoma. All's well because I caught it very early.

But I do love the Scabbers nickname! :-)

[Rebecca]

I'm going to play the lupus card here.

[Suzyn]

As the child of the least illness sympathetic woman in the world--a Midwestern freak of hale heartiness, I offer what I heard my entire childhood: (Rolling eyes) Oh, you'll be fine, it's just the winter blahs. Get outside to blow the stink off and you'll feel better.

[lis]

Hmm. Besides the headaches, can you hear your own brain bubbling in the night? Because A said that happened to her once, and that she had the mad cow. I think she's mad, but I don't know about the cow. We decided later perhaps it was just her being eccentric. Your problem sounds more grounded in reality. Which means I have no idea.

[amy]

Laughed so hard I peed my pants! You crack me up. Thanks, I needed that.

[Victoria]

I'm not dead...I'm just dysthymic now.

[Very Mom]

Omg, Hanta virus? Speaking of....

[alice]

"Blow the stink off"! This may be my new favorite phrase.

[Jill]

I'm thinking your husband switched your morning cup of Joe to decaf without telling you. For payback.

[mabby poo]

I call it March Madness - join the St. Patricks Day parade tomorrow and walk away your aches. I am told all the firemen will be there and in uniform.

[Sarah]

can you actually get a diagnosis for hypochondria (and please don't pick on my misspelling again - i'm doing this one-handed!)?

i found your blog thanks to that nyt piece and now look forward to noontime pumping, because i can close my door and read your archived posts. there's a danger in this, though. you are so goddam funny that in the past week i have overpumped TWICE! so when i say i wet my pants laughing at your blog, that's no hyperbole, no sirry.