In which I don't bother coming up with a conclusion.

Today Henry woke up to find that his nose had turned into a cascading waterfall of goo. Besides the runniness and the sneeziness he seems relatively okay, but he has also been squeamish lately about strange substances on his skin, so every time he sneezes and mucus shoots out of his nose, he screams “Get it off me! GET IT OFF!” and I have to run and wipe him before he enters The Freakout Territory From Which It Is Difficult To Exit Gracefully. You’d think such a fussy child would learn to wipe his own nose, but when the tissue is used and it becomes infused with the goo, then his hands must be wiped. It's an exhausting process. A few times he just lunged forward and wiped his nose on my jeans, and I let him.

Right before his nap I thought he felt a little warm, so I whipped out the thermometer. Now, in the past Henry has found the under-arm option of temperature-taking unacceptable; strangely, he always handled the rectal option with aplomb, so that’s where we went. So today I didn’t even think about it: I lubed up the thermometer and put him over my lap. Henry was intensely curious about the goings-on; when I got out the thermometer he was all “What is THAT” and then “Oooh, temperature,” and “Because I don’t feel well” and “This will make my rash better” (lately everything is about the rash). Then I took off his diaper, which is always a thrill for him, and when I told him to lie down across my lap he was clearly anticipating Fun Times. And then there was insertion.

What I failed to take into account is, because this has been a ridiculously healthy year for all of us, I haven’t taken Henry’s temperature in a long, long time. And what an 18-month-old will tolerate is not necessarily what a two-something enjoys. So I stuck this thermometer in and Henry says, “Hey. HEY. WAIT. HEY. What’s THAT. NO. HEY,” like an adult chastising a little kid who put something where it’s not supposed to go. It was so adult that I started laughing and I took the thermometer out of my indignant son’s butt and he stood up and looked at me, still saying, “HEY” except now because I was laughing he concluded that whatever had just happened, it was hilarious. And then we had lunch. The End.

Comments

[debl]

Oh man, are your trolls gonna come after you on this one. But if you can't laff at people (even kids! they are also people!) being surprised when things are stuck up their butts, what can you laff at? It's unAmerican to NOT find that funny.

Poor little Henry, and his unfortunately-growing sense of self-awareness!

[Deborah]

I found you at Suburbanbliss last week, you are an excellent read! So good that last night I woke at 4:00am with the mantra, "The only thing worse then being finslippy is not being finslippy." This was disturbing to me because I don't know what finslippy is so I don't know how bad off I am. (I hope I don't have the plague.) Anyway, I decided to stop lurking and leave a comment.

[dish]

LMAO! I just love the Henry tales (or should I say tails?...hee, hee- Friday afternoon humor).

[Jennifer]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.........

You are in SO much trouble!

At least Henry is learning that its an exit, not an entrance.

[mainja]

thanks! you made me laugh very loudly on this fine friday evening.

[Kim]

I know! Why is the pokey acceptable and the armpit terrifying? My son's been sick for the past two weeks and as such, I've been in baby jail. He literally hid the keys from me today and he's only 14 months old. I'm literally losing my mind and think I might need medication after he's all better. I love your blog, you are so fucking funny. The first time I read it, I was crying I laughed so hard. It's been really helpful during this period of house arrest.

[The Zero Boss]

Man...reminds me of the thing Jaxon has with his hands being dirty. The kid washes them ten times a day. I swear, one day there won't be anything left but bone and sinew.

[Gen]

Ooh, Jaxon! What a cool name! My son Zack(3) still hates to wipe or blow his nose, so when he sneezes, he'll just shriek "Ah! Ah! Ah!" until I come to the rescue. It's getting pretty old.

[julia]

Oh my God. Once again, you have made my whole day. Thanks so much for writing for us! You rock.

[wix]

hahahaha, awesome!

[Bren]

After reading the mole entry, I now have a clearer picture of how the personality genes were distributed to your son. While the stories about Henry and your husband are both endearing and hilarious, I think perhaps you deserve a medal for being able to handle the both of them with as much grace as you do. Or maybe you have a serious drinking habit that none of us knows about. Whatever works for you, works for me.

[Liz]

I can't relate to the anal thermometer because I could never bring myself to do that to my girls (now 15 and 12). It was all me...cause I think I could sort of remember my Mom doing that to me? Or it could have been a dream...not sure. Anyway, what I really related to was how easy it is to let your kid just wipe their nose on your t-shirt/jeans/jacket. When my oldest was about 2, she started gagging on a tostito and I held out my hands to catch the vomit (we were at a {childless} friend's house) and all our friends said no way, they could never do that. Fast forward several years and same friends have told me they found themselves in the same situation and thought nothing of letting their kids puke into their hands. It's the circle of life...

[Anna]

Okay, that's hysterical.

(I too, thought of the trolls coming out of the woodwork, though. Bastards.)

[dooce]

we have wireless access here in Moab and i just read this entry out loud and we all CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

Hey. HEY!

[Claire]

I said Hey. Hey. What a riot, thanks for that!

[kyra]

SO FUNNY! I love reading your blog! Henry cracks me up! You crack me up! Thank goodness for Finslippy!

[Colleen]

Oh my gosh, that's funny. Hey. HEY. NO! I think it's the "NO" that did me in.

And the cleanliness/dirty hands thing must be something about that age -- my granddaughter used to be upset that she couldn't play in the sandbox without getting her hands dirty.

[schmutzie]

It's so touching to watch your little Henry grow up. *sniff*

[Summer]

I have never been brave enough to do the thermometer insertion routine. My cousin told me a terrifying tale: her baby daughter had been constipated for days, and the pediatrician recommended trying the thermometer-up-the-bum routine when all other measures hadn't gotten things moving. As soon as the thermometer slipped inside, rocket-propelled poop shot out of the baby's ass, heading right towards the cat, who was shocked into immobility. My cousin's husband (who may or may not have played baseball in his youth) instinctively stuck his hand out to catch the poop and spare the cat. I do not have the courage to deal with a poop explosion with such aplomb, so I've always used the armpit method. So what if it sometimes tells me that my hot-to-the-touch son has a temperature of 93 degrees? There is no risk of befoulment. I'll deal.

On a slightly more helpful note, I'll mention that those instant-read ear thermometers have come down in price considerably in the last two years. I've seen them on sale for $15. I'm thinking it might be worth the investment.

[MelissaS]

You just ruined The Anal for him. Way to go.

[jody2ms]

LOL! I wish I had my camcorder ready at every moment to video tape some of the stuff they say and do. You tell yourself that you will remember it, and then, poof, they are 10 and you can't remember 1/2 of it all.

Keep posting, I love your blog~

[Mir]

I cannot support Summer's endorsement of the ear thermometer. Maybe I'm just a moron (okay, I AM a moron, but aside from that...) but my ear thermometer often tells me that we are all, in fact, dead. As in extreme hypothermia, dead and gone, golly you FELT warm before, but no, my mistake, your temperature is only 86 degrees! Whoops!

I now employ the "let's all just have some tylenol just in case" method. Fever, schmever. Bottoms up!

[palinode]

The only thing the same as being Finslippy is being Finslippy.

[mrs. holmes]

oh my god, puking into the hands. i think i'm going to throw up... the butt story was hilarious, though. i laughed out loud.

[kelly]

So, Armpit? Meet Thermometer.

You funny big, long time.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

That is awesome. I wish I could have been there. And everyone?? Alice wants you to know that Finslippy really means "has sex with donkeys."

Or so I hear. :)

[Lou]

I am literally laughing out loud about this! Do you know I was too freaked out about the whole butt thermometer thing to even try it on either of my kids?
I wonder what my 2 year old would say to that?

[ginnderella]

Once upon a time, my mother inserted a suppository into my bum and then I hobbled around like Quasimodo squealing "iiiihh, iiiihh, iiiihh." Your post has brought this lovely scene out of the pits of my repressed memories and back into the forefront of my soul. So thank you for that.

[grandefille]

Hey. HEY. WAIT. HEY. What’s THAT. NO. HEY.

I am SO saying that at my next employee evaluation.

Similar situation, you understand. Just with a bigger (ahem) thermometer and an individual who, unlike Mom Alice, does NOT have my best interests at heart. I also don't think Mom Alice gets as much subversive joy out of rectal thermometering as my mom did. Hmm.

I am also still laughing at the poop-diverting cat savior. THAT's a true animal lover. I'll have to remember that when my about-to-be-birthed niece starts projectile pooping in the direction of Prince Harry the Cat.

No. HEY.

[Jim]

Oh, man, I think I peed a little. That was awesome! Tell him, "Just wait till your athletic physicals!" Turn and coff..

[part-timer]

oh, lordy, honey. you's funny.

[emma]

Heh heh. Funny lady.

[Jerri Ann]

I love children stories. My 2 still prefer the rectal method thank the lord. Even though they used the armpit the last time my newborn was in the hospital and he was none to fond of that. Even the 2 yo doesn't like for the newborn to get his temp taken under the arm. They want the rectal method...this my friend is scarry, very very scarry!

[Beth]

OMG, that's funny! I was laughing so hard I started snorting and blew snot all over the keyboard!

I also can not recommend the ear thermometers, same issues already noted. My kids didn't like the armpit, but I didn't like the alternative, especially with little boys, you know what happens when you take their diapers off, they pee all over the place! Also, I could never tell when the old fashioned ones were done, ya know? I much prefer a thermometer that beeps!

Oh, and to Sarcastic Journalist: Are you sure? Because I was pretty sure that Finslippy meant "has sex with dolphins." You know, with the slippery fins and all that? Okay never mind...

[trouble]

Oh, this is so funny! I'm about to give birth to my first... and my biggest fear? The dreaded RECTAL THERMOMETER. heh heh heh.

[maysie]

I've been reading for a while and am delurking to say that I had suspected it for awhile but now I think I'm officially in love with you. Will you come to Toronto and play with me and let Henry play with MY crazy two-year-old? This is one of the funniest things I've ever read-- please keep writing!
To everyone who is unhappy with the therm options out there-- if your kid uses (or tolerates) a pacifier, we've been using a pacifier thermometer (got it at Shoppers Drug Mart-- do you all have these in the US?) to great effect with our boy. The downside is that it takes for-freaking-ever to take his temperature (like-- two minutes) but the upside is, we can even take it when he's sleeping and he doesn't notice. Highly recommended.

[DM]

Oh, my God. I am laughing so hard.

You know, I don't have kids but God, I love to read your stories about them. You are hilarious.

Sometimes I am tempted to have a child and then realize that I am insane and can't even remember to let the cat in when he runs out into the hallway or deal with his poop or vomit without wanting to throw up myself. I have seen a child projectile vomit. No way in hell am I dealing with that. Mothers absolutely amaze me. You guys are wonderful. Don't let anyone tell you differently.