Spinning wheel, got to go ‘round.

As the Child hurtles past the 2 1/2 mark and careens toward 3, his mood swings have begun to last for days, if not weeks. So: we’ll have a marathon of intense horribleness, followed by a leisurely stretch of unbridled lovability. It also seems that, the more horrible he is, the more lovable he’ll be later, and vice versa. (Of course, if this were strictly true he’d be escalating in every cycle toward a state of almost inhuman badness or goodness, so I guess it’s not strictly true, but whatever, I’m not a scientist.)

You’d think this could mean that I could ride out the bad period, because I’d know it would soon come to an end. Like during the last Black Period, when we were at the bookstore and, for no reason I could see, he threw a book at my face and screamed one of his charming nonsense words that sounded exactly like “Bitch!” (To all the shocked caregivers surrounding me, some of whom gasped and clutched their bosoms: he wasn’t saying “Bitch,” okay? I mean, if he was going to repeat the cursing he hears in our house, he’d call me an asswipe or a douche. You know! All sophisticated-like!) Or at the playground, when he collapsed into a frothing, shrieking mess because it was time to go home, and I had to haul all 40 pounds of him into the stroller and somehow buckle him in and he kept kicking me in the teeth. You’d think I could laugh these episodes off! Ha, ha! Kids!

Nope, pretty much I can’t.

But now! Oh my god, the sweetness, the cuddling, it's almost too much. Unbidden, he will request a kiss and/or hug. He will come up with statements like “You're my best pal” and “Your hair is cute” (I swear I’m not making this up) or “I’m enjoying this wonderful day with you, Mommy.” During walks he’ll ask me the names of different flowers and then expound upon the wonders of that particular flower. This child, according to him, has an infatuation with tulips that borders on the inappropriate. He is hot for tulips. Today, as I ate my lunch, he stood next to me watching, a huge smile on his face, and as I ate the last bite of my sandwich he said, “That was your last piece!” and I agreed and he said, “And now the Last Piece Monster is coming to kiss you!” and he started kissing my arm.

The Last Piece Monster. Can you stand it?

He’s been this way for a while. It could all change at any minute. No storm clouds will herald the darkening of the Child’s mood. He could go down for his nap with a smile, and then wake up to announce that I am in a world of shit.

He’s napping now.

I’m afraid.

Comments

[Newbie Blogger]

Some how they always keep us coming back for more. They're smarter than we think and they can sense when we are about to go past the brink of crazy. But they must take us to that edge regardless. Gotta love 'em!

[e]

Being the parent of one of these on-again/off-again little boys...I've come to believe that the periods of manic love are my gift for putting up with the head-spinning, out-of-control craziness that is soon to follow again. I love him and wouldn't change him for anything, but it is definitely not an easy relationship! He's 6 now and I dread the teenage years already! I'm scared!

[Mathew]

There's only one reasonable solution to your child's moodswings: he's possessed.

Are you catholic? You'd better hope so and call yourself a priest. Father Karras is still practicing I think. Check your local phone book!

BTW: don't give him any pea soup.

[Sheryl]

I am so tired of my 2 1/2 yr old son SCREAAAMING at me. I swear I'm starting to fantasize about breaking a bottle over his head and rumbling like the Jets and the Sharks.

[emjaybee]

Last Piece Monster? The cute. It is killing me.

In a way, they're kind of like abusive boyfriends, aren't they? One day they smack you...the next day it's flowers and chocolate and "Oh baby, I love you so much." Except, you know, they can't help it.

I do better when I think of them as little robots that have suddenly received the wrong set of instructions, which make them freak the fuck out. Eventually, their little brains get better at not freaking out. Eventually.

[Ninotchka]

Once again, you have nailed it. You just described my (almost) 3 year old. When she approaches me, even if to give me a hug, I swear 9 times out of 10 I flinch. You just never know with her.

I'm afraid a lot of the time too. SOMEBODY HOLD ME.

ha ha ha ha ha

[Em]

Kids come up with the funniest things, don't they. My best friends kid once said to her (I think he was 3) "Mom, that is a BEOOOOOTIFUL necklace you're wearing!" We think he might be gay, and if he is we are TOTALLY marching with him in a parade!

[lis]

i think i just peed my pants. that was a wholesome chortle you gave me just now, alice.

[Bente]

Very cute and funny. My daughter is only 17 months, but I too live in fear of what nap time will bring.

[Brooklyn Mama]

Oh, man. Yes. Exactly.

[Wende]

Oh man... I can so relate. Our son is now 8 and we've moved into sarcasm. However, when he was three and would go down for a nap I would always wonder, "Will the good kid wake up or the evil kid." We used to tell him, "Please go into your bedroom and find the other kid." Perhaps that's how he learned the sarcasm. :)

[cagey]

At the risk of a Drive-by A$$vicing here:
No kids yet in the Rancid Household til Octoberish, but I have enjoyed watching the insanity that is my Nephew - I guess it is more entertaining when it is in someone ELSE'S house. I think his 3rd year was more trying for my sister than his 2nd. When he turned 3, he really started playing the head games and the difference was that HE KNEW he was playing head games. My sister uses a very loose form of Love and Logic - judging from her experience, I will be going that route if possible. The Nephew is creeping up on 4 years and he is SUCH A NICE KID NOW. I'm sold on that Love and Logic $hit for sure!

[Theresa]

Are you sure your son and my daughter weren't separated at birth? I, too, never know what I am in for when she's get up from her nap. It's like living with Sybil. Of course, my daughter is usually constipated when she becomes demon child so I guess I should cut her some slack. A good poop makes everyone feel better.

[Lissy]

Oh thank the Lord, I'm not alone! There are some days when you it's so bad you don't think anyone else has ever been there, and then you check on Finslippy!

[lizpenn]

O wondrous Finslippy. your description of the Good Henry made my day. Write on!

[Lisa V]

Yes I have a three year old boy. Meds, that's the answer of the experienced mom. For him and you. Make yours with a twist.

[Paul]

Ya, I get mood swings like that too, but the doctor says its more likely the codeine shots I take every morning with half a bottle of ether, than anything else.

Last Sunday Henry, Henry and I were chillin', and I got to see exactly what you mean. He hit me in the face with a toy train and then went, "Choo! Choo! I love youuu!"

[chasmyn]

Oh my Goddess, the life I have to look forward to. Am I insane that I REALLY AM looking forward to it?

[clickmom]

When dear Hanry is having a good period be sure to tell him how much you are enjoying him. When he is not having a good period don't say anything more than you have to. Never miss the chance to make an example of other children, when you see a tantruming child say "Wow, he must be very unhappy about_____. He needs to tell his Mommy with words and not by crying." Keep doing it and soon, Henry will have more and more sweet times.

I should know, my kids are perfect.
Good Luck.

[lulu'smom]

Be afraid.... very afraid.

[Dreadmouse]

Ms. Dreadmouse & I are in the process of placing an order with the baby factory. Stories like these fill me with fear... are we nuts?

[landismom]

I think I'm going to make a t-shirt that says, "Don't mind my children, they just need reprogramming."

[stewbie2]

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but "3" doesn't improve. It makes it worse, if that's at all possible. I have a 3.5 year old daughter, who, on good days, is only "partially possessed," and on bad days, let's everyone within a 3-block radius know that she is the spawn of Satan. Do you remember the sweet little boy from "Pet Semetary"? Yeah...remember how when he died and came back, he was all, "I love you, mommy. I want to hug you, mommy." He stabbed his mom. And he was still cute. That scares me.

[Stacia]

My daughter's almost 7. The Evil-to-Angelic-and-Back-Again thing hasn't abated...and I'm constantly told, "Just wait 'till she's a teenager." My current plan is that one of us is moving out of the house when she turns 14. I have a feeling that my life then is going to be a script from those nuclear-teenager segments from the old Animaniacs show.

[working mom]

You describe it so perfectly. I love you finslippy!

Note that the bad behavior is done for all to see, but they NEVER do the heartbreaking cuteness in public.
Attention non-parent glaring at my son's bad behavior: He IS cute, just never in front of you!

[Beth]

My son keeps telling me that he loves my hair. He's three. I'm not sure what to make of that. But I agree that the mood swings are ridiculous. I would be very, very afraid if I was you. He sounds about ready to swing back the other way.

[Beth]

My son is four and goes between telling me I have "a lot of dumb rules" and kissing me ten at a time. When I tell him he's my special boy, he tells me I'm his "special lady," which somehow seems very Tim-Meadows-on-SNL-Ladies-Man to me. ;^) Just the same, I'm sort of dreading the time that he decides he doesn't want to be kissed and wants to walk ten paces behind me at the mall, so I'm just enjoying the whole tantrums-and-kisses mess while we have it. :-)

[cathy b]

Like Emjaybee, I think tantruming tots are exactly like abusers. Maybe abusive people are the ones who were hurt when they went through this natural phase, and then got stuck there?

My 19 year old was a psycho as a 2-4 year old. "I HATE you MOMMY!" was repeated a gazillion times when he didn't get his way, even if it was for something not even possible or not under my control. Luckily, my older son had done none of that, so I had one kid who loved me. I'd always tell my younger son, "I know you feel angry at me sometimes, but I love you and I know you love me, too," repeated beyond ad infinitum. I'd not respond with anger, but would also not allow him to break things or hurt anyone by having him sit by himself in a big old chair we had in the living room. (Luckily he was skinny and light and easy to tote.) He also alternated the "I hate you" stuff with lots of "I love you mommy" stuff--mash notes he'd write to me and presents he'd make.

He went through some of the same tantrums as a young teen (well, 8-13, with 8 being "the new 12"), but the anger wore itself out by the time he was 14, and he's been pretty much like an adult since then. Responsible, good grades. Works for a great company in the field he wants his profession in, part time during school months and full time summers. Great 2 year girlfriend despite going to univ. in dif. states--they beam at each other like beacons when they are together, plus her parents adore him like we adore her.

My older son, the easy-going one, went through none of the bad angry-child stuff, but he took longer to mature in some ways and had a harder time finding his way after high school. It isn't as easy for him to follow goals, and I think part of that is because he is very calm and adaptable and can be diverted too easily. He is much more a people-person, more intuitive, more flexible.

Its so cool watching them grow up. Enjoy all the nutty years, it makes them who they become.

[Psycho Kitty]

Hey. How'd you get my child?
Oh no, wait. MY boy is not 60 pounds. And his aim is better. Hahahahahaaaaa. Ha.

[Badger]

I'm sorry, I can't get past the part where your child will still nap at almost 3 years old. I obviously ordered mine from the wrong catalog.

My boy child was a delightful 2 and a horrible 3. My girl child was just the opposite. Now they are 9 and 7 and both delightful most of the time.

And when they're not, I find drinking helps.

[cathy b]

Oh--plus now with added assvice--

And for those of you with headstrong kids--do NOT send them to schools that advocate strong pro-discipline methods. Stubborn kids hit the WALLS when they are around strict/stubborn teachers & principals.

My younger son did great at specialty or waldorf schools, follow-your-own-pace kind of schools (had a B average, heavy schedule with advance placement classes). But even in these type of schools you will run into more disciplined teachers--keep them away from your kids, or school will become all about rebelling for them instead of about learning. One control-freak worm dean at my son's middle school still makes my blood boil; we were lucky that he was the exception, not the norm.

[Uma Andersson]

OK, at risk of Drive-by A$$vicing myself...
This is all about testing limits.

Testing you with being bad, to see how far he can push you away, and will you still be there, mommying and loving? If you are, and hes tested to his hearts devious satisfaction, then he will test every other bond you have, including love, appropriate behaviour with regards to....well, everything.
I have four sons, and a teenage daughter, they have tested me in ways I couldn't even find in researching for a masters in How Do Children Test Their Parentsology.
My eldest son is in grade 5 and he's the devil incarnate, but I totally draw the line at hitting me or slapping, kicking, punching, biting, throwing books etc. When that happens, I do it right back to them.....call me the crazy one if you will. But I can count the number of times they retested my limit for getting physical with me.....

Happy mommyhood.

[Uma Andersson]

Let it be said, however, that I drew the line at stabbing my child in the shoulder with a rake, when my son, in rage, swung it at me and his father, and stabbed with me it.....I just fainted instead and then he fainted to, in a spasm of horrible, shock-ridden regret no doubt!

[cathy b]

(oh-oh, I feel a tangent coming on, but I still have to say this:)

Uma, personally, I would never--and have never--slapped, kicked, punched, bit or threw books at any of my kids.

I think that that kind of reaction just prolongs their violent, immature physical toddler behavior into their older ages. My moody son was physically rough only until he was 3 or 4, and after that, when he could speak and reason, his only acting-out was verbal or stomping around.

When he was little and fought physically I'd pick him up, sometimes pinioning his arms to his side and catching his feet so he couldn't swing them, like a bear-hug. I'd say, "People do not hit or kick people!" in a stern, serious voice, and I'd put him in his chair. No hitting him, no kicking, nothing more--ever--from me or his dad. And after their toddler phase was over, neither of our sons ever hit us--ever! There were plenty of slammed doors, some smashed-in-anger objects, but NO PEOPLE OR PETS hurt, EVER.

If your son is hitting and kicking you and you are hitting and kicking him back, you need to know that that is NOT going to work long-term. All you are doing is teaching him that being bigger and stronger is what is better, and when he does get bigger and stronger, you (or anyone else he loves who is smaller) will lose.

[Troy]

*SIGH*

I remember those days. My daughters are 7 and 10 now, and I look back at those times and...wait a minute...NOTHING'S changed. Both their moods still swing like an axe on a pendulum carving havoc in its path.

And good God, they're not even teenagers yet.

[sac]

Our almost 2 year old turned in to a mini-Mussolini about a week ago. He is fucking pint sized tryant who is addicted to Dora the Explorer. He will watch NOTHING ELSE and explode into a toddler rage if we do not acquiesce to his every need. We don't, of course, so the rages, they are frequent.

On the flip side, our former tyrant, the 3 1/2 year old, is suddenly the Hallmark kid as if to balance out the volcanic virtiol of his younger sibling. He announces "you're the best, dad" abuot 10 times a day. That rocks.

[jill]

i have 3 boys (12, 9 & 6) so i have a little experience with this. One thing i observed was that the tantrums and nasty stuff was always tied in to a growth spurt. Think about it -- the growing of bones, muscles and tendons is painful stuff - it would make me cranky too. Ask Henry if his shins or ankles hurt when he's acting narly, if so, it's a growth spurt.

All of my kids leveled out emotionally (for the most part) when they hit kindergarten but they still hug and kiss me (except my 12 yr old won't do it in front of his friends!) good luck!

[Gerah]

What a great post.

My 21 month old is starting to show signs of being a possible terror. 99% Angel. 1% Demon.

It scares me to think what I'm possibly in for.

[Flippy]

Thanks to you guys, I (childless *I*) no longer look at kids throwing tantrums in grocery stores and wonder why on earth their parents can't control them. I, of course, was a perfect angel in public as a child. Okay, yeah, my brothers and I kinda were, but still... Anyway, now I look at those kids, laugh to myself and think, "Hmmm, I wonder if his/her mom blogs?", then I tell my partner, "Hey, it's just like such & such's blog where her kid did/said blah-dy blah."

[Lisa]

Thank you so much for writing this post. Our 2 1/2 year-old has been acting so much like this, I could have written the same post. My husband and I have been scratching our heads and wondering where we went wrong. It's nice to know we're not alone.

[BugsMom]

We are just beginning to see these cycles in our dear little Bug. At least we are not alone. Pass the kleenex please.

[Amy]

We are still freewheelin, childless folks but of course all our friends had to go and spawn. We love their kids to pieces though, especially the 3.5'er who has found out how HILARIOUS it is to streak through the kitchen right in the middle of our Cranium and Midori Sours game. Fun game, BTW. It's pretty cool to see a 3 year old brain trying to outmaneuver a 20 something for a bit of power. I admit, sometimes the big sister in me gives their kid bad ideas. Like, hey, did you ever try doing this to your parents? Muwaahhaahaah! >:-D

[song]

My son is like this but worse (yes, unfortunately 3 is worse than 2 - they can insult you better), but it is based around when he grows. You odn't notice them getting taller until someone says "wow, he's grown" and then it's like "oh, that's why he was cranky for the last month"
my son still has naps at 3 1/4 coz without them he turns into the devil incarnate by 5pm. Time to turn on my patient-i-know-he's-tired mummy voice and give cuddles instead of yelling. But when he turns around to a friend at daycare when I arrive to pick him up and announces "that's my darling gorgeous mum come to get me" or when he tells me he wants lots of moneyt to buy me good presents, well it makes the bedtime rages and the early EARLY mornings worth it.

And as a point, I smack kaidin (gently, I'd never raise a mark) after he is being a c^#t after three warnings or if he does something dangerous that he knows he is not allowed to do (I just pretend the whole time with the whole packet of cereal mushed into the carpet and mummy was hungover never happened....)

You are the loveliest writer and I hope Henry has endless good days for you.

[Shelley]

Ah, but it's the unpredictability that keeps life interesting!

[Very Mom]

My goodness, such a hilarious and eloquently written bit of classic Motherhood sabotaged with strange drive bys and people sort of swearing with dollar signs. I'm so amused, but also frightened. Hold me?

[Victoria Winters]

Oh! I want a Last Piece Monster to kiss me! These good moods must make up for any ol' tantrum he can throw! :)

[Mir]

I do believe the last piece monster just caused one of my ventricles to melt. Ow.

[Jane]

Another brilliantly funny post & very interesting comments. For some profoundly loving, intelligent thinking about handling aggressive behaviour, you might like to look at http://www.parentleaders.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000027.htm

[Beth]

When my son's dad was trying to get custody, he told a therapist our son was "emotionally labile" as if it were unusual. I told him to get real. Our son was three at the time -- ALL kids that age are emotionally labile!! And to think...my son's dad is a psychologist. :-/

[Kel]

What a wonderful post. Having had a single, mid-forty year old male (no children) house guest for the past month (BIL - helping to get a nursery ready, etc.)... I've had the opportunity to "see" my son's mood swings through someone (someone totaly unprepared to do battle) else's eyes. "What the heck is he going to be like when he's four?" is a constant question ("I don't know, I've never had a four year old." is now my only response.)

I will absolutely look at the "growth spirt vs. bad mood" equation, but my prayer has just been that he's just learning how to be and its my job to "be there" (as in set boundaries for the bad times, explain as much - show options - as I can before a pout becomes a tantrum, and celebrate and extend the good times).

I'm scared, but at least I know I'm no longer alone.

Kel