More about what pisses me off.

Hi! You know what? I sure am annoyed lately! I was just scribbling down some thoughts for Finslippy, and, well, oh dear:

1. Drivers who reluctantly slow down at stop signs and give the pedestrian a testy little wave, as if to say, “I am doing you an enormous favor. Now scurry along before I change my mind and mow you down.” There needs to be a new obscene hand gesture that indicates, “Hey, jackass, guess what? I don’t need your permission. Stop signs aren’t optional so don’t act like you’re so very generous and I should be grateful. And you’re a jackass. Jackass.” I must begin work on this gesture immediately. To the laboratory!

2. The family members who sometimes behave as if they are not fully aware that Henry knows what words mean. They believe, for instance, that as long as they didn’t use the word B-U-G-S to refer to the B-U-G-S that were invading the basement when we arrived for a visit—as my son, you see, has a crippling fear of the B-U-G-S—he would not pick up on something being amiss even when they came tearing ass up from the basement hissing “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE THEY’RE ALL OVER HIS TOYS.” And when they’re whispering updates to me on the TERROR FROM BELOW while Henry looks up from his Matchbox cars in wide-eyed horror, it should come as no surprise that the remaining hours of our visit are spent with 40 pounds of boy adhered to me via the Four-Pointed Ninja Monkey Vise Grip around my torso and neck.

3. Dear husband: what do you want from me when you shout from the kitchen, “Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?” Is there some answer I can give you that would be satisfactory? Would you like to hear that I was exfoliating my cleavage? Or do you imagine that I store a mental tally of all the items I have scrubbed clean, so that hours later I can sit back and enjoy the memories? What a thrilling moment, when I finally rid the casserole dish of those baked-on lasagna bits. Ah, life. Anyway, could you not simply toss the dirty sponge and retrieve a clean one from our under-sink bounty of unused sponges? Should I scamper to your side and find you an acceptable sponge as you watch in manly approval?

4. People who refer to their husbands as “Hubs” or the “The Hubster.” All I can say about this is: no. That’s all. Just: no. I know some of you do it. And I like you! I do! But no. You must stop. Do you hear me? No!

To those readers new to Finslippy, I’m not normally this peeved. Truly. Some days I am positively ebullient. But lately, whew, so negative! I’m sure I’ll perk up one of these days, perhaps when everyone begins to behave exactly as I feel they should.

On a possibly related note, my son has been cursing lately. I don’t believe he’s cursing for effect, as he doesn’t check us for a reaction—as he might do before he, say, brains another child with a dump truck. For example: the other day he made himself comfortable on the couch—raisins? Check. Sippy cup? Check— and called out: “Turn on the TV.” Before I could respond, he repeated, “Turn on the damn TV, please.” Well! And then yesterday, as he pulled an oversized book from the shelf, he exclaimed, “Wow—this is a big fucking book!”

I tried my best not to laugh, but I did anyway. Luckily he didn’t notice, as he was hidden behind the big fucking book.

Comments

[sac]

Cleavages can be exfoliated!? Sweet.

[alice]

I scrub and scrub daily to keep mine supple and gleaming.

[JP]

You mean, sponges aren't for exfoliating cleavage? Damn.

I'm constantly worried that my 3 year old will learn from my bad example of swearing and use it in public situations. The Little Shit...

[Gertrude McFuzz]

"40 pounds of boy adhered to me via the Four-Pointed Ninja Monkey Vise Grip around my torso and neck."

hahahahaha. You rock.

[liz]

I love your list!

[mojavi]

must think of gesture as well.... I will let you know if I come up with anything

[Leslie]

Quite possibly the wittest site (with exception of that one everyone talks about) I've read in a LONG TIME.

[Lin]

I have a dear friend in England, Madeleine. She has a daughter now in her 30s, Saffron. When Saffron was six, Madeleine overheard this conversation after calling up the stairs that Saffron's tea was ready. "Sorry, Leonie. You're going to have to fuck off now. It's time for tea." She and her husband, Tim, instituted a swear box. Everytime they (the parents) said fuck, they had to pay 5o pence.

[Jenn]

I hate the drivers testy wave, but I also hate the wave of the pedestrian who runs in front of your car (crosswalks be damned!) and then gives you a little wave, like "Thanks for not running me down and embedding me in the grill of your car!" Of course, when I'm walking, drivers are all freaking maniacs and when I'm driving, pedestrians are all dumbasses. I'm flexible that way.

[wix]

the first word out of my son's mouth will probably be "fuck", or some derivative thereof. thank god my mother is dead, becasue she would surely die of shame if such an event came to pass.

[New Here]

Leslie-

What's "the one everyone talks about"? I'm new here. That sounds interesting...

[G. McFuzz]

ooops, I meant to say you fucking rock.

[Beth]

OMG, "big fucking book" -- this kills me! My son used to say "Jesus!" when he was learning to talk. I mean...when we were both learning how to talk. ;^) Oh man...still laughing about your post!

[clickmom]

I had my undies all tied up in aknot until I read your last entry. Now I am LOL complete with tears. Thanks, I have been feeling exactly the same way today.

My 8 year old went through a "bad language" phase when he was 3, and when he began preschool, I had to bite the bullett and warn his preschool teacher. One of the more humbling experiences of my life.

You'll be happy to know that today, he can not stand to hear foul language and I have to pay him $1, as we agreed, every time I use it. He wants a play station 2 and it looks like he'll be getting it in no time at all. Maybe even a nice package with some games and an extra remote for his brother. Seriously, I swear like a truck driver when behind the wheel and we have been in the car alot lately.

[Zach]

My driver vs. pedestrian pet peeve is (you asked, right?): Drivers who stop suddenly and force me to cross (no crosswalks in sight) when it would have been about 5 times faster for them to have just kept going so I could cross behind them.

[phatmunkay]

No offense, I'm sure it's no fun with the cussing and the children... but having none, and having this be THE big looming fear (among others): having others discover through my children that I have the dirtiest mouth on the planet and that I will most likely slip and use it around my now unborn children. Thank god. Thank god there are people out there with children who say fuck, because it sets my mind at ease. Thank you. And thanks for being honest about it. I think others have started to tell me this, and then change the word at the last minute to be some word that really isn't THAT bad. A word that if my child uttered, I probably wouldn't blink, but in their effort to come clean - their desire to look morally superior took over, and we ended up with: "and then he said peas! Can you believe it! Peas!" "Fuck, no kidding!"

[lizpenn]

i like you angry! do the anti-Park Slope mommy bloggers next, please.

[Loose String]

When my son was 4 we made a daily commute together each day. One day a driver cut me off and before I could say anything my son piped up with, "That guy is a fucking idiot, right Mom?" The quality time is the important time.

[Em]

Ohmigosh. Can't stop laughing! To the laboratory! PRICELESS.

Also, my friends little boy has a lisp and when he saw a BIG DUMP TRUCK he would scream "BIG DUMB FUCK! BIG DUMB FUCK!"

Man, that was funny.

[Heatheranne]

My son has never cussed in front of me, but I know he does it. I know this because I created an email account for him on gmail. He hasn't figured out how to change his password yet so I occasionally snoop. I found an email that he sent to himself and all it said was "fuck". Maybe he was practicing?

[Michael]

The gesture that I use when a driver very nearly hits me while I'm walking is to kick at a headlight until it [hopefully] breaks. If they're still moving, I try to at least dent the bumper or a fender.

Obviously, this only works if they actually *stop* while screaming at highway speeds out of a blind alley.

[Leslie]

When I said "the one everyone talks about" I was referring to dooce.com.

[warcrygirl]

See, I avoided that whole scenario by marrying a man (Hubby!!!) who is allergic to housework. Therefore, he never touches any cleaning implements and most likely doesn't know what a sponge is.

Suuuuure you're not usually this peeved... ;)

[Booberella]

Amazing. My husband says the exact same thing. He also exclaims in horror when I clean countertops or backsplashes with the "dish" sponge. As though the germs on our dinner plates are somehow holier than the crumbs on the counter, and there MUST BE SEPARATION OR WE ALL PERISH! Aaaieee!

[E]

I've lurked around here for quite some time, but this post is pulling me out of the shadows. That was about the funniest thing I've read in ages! I tried to read it out loud to my husband three times before I could stop laughing long enough to get the words out!

[ben]

If it was enough to make your husband say, "Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?" ... Let's hope it wasn't because you were exfoliating your cleavage... if so, you need to exfoliate more often. ;)

[Melissa]

Well I know I use my dish sponge for exfoliating my cleavage, what else is it for and why on earth would I want to do my dishes instead?

And speaking as a newbie, you seem perfectly funny and surly to me.

[Lisa V]

Be proud, be very proud. Your child knows how to swear in the proper context.

[Margie]

My daughter's first swear word, at about 20 months, was a quietly muttered "shit" when her block tower fell over. Amazing, that language acquisition thing, isn't it?

[Leez]

Holy crap! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. My friend's 21 month old monkingbird of a child added "goddammit" to her vocabulary very early on. Ahh, there's nothing sweeter than the innocence of youth

[Very Mom]

"Or do you imagine that I store a mental tally of all the items I have scrubbed clean, so that hours later I can sit back and enjoy the memories?"

I may be slightly drunk from these 100 proof vodka tinctures my midwife is making me drink, but I laughed so hard I CRIED over this. Seriously, actual tears streaming down my face. "Ah Life" Bwahahahahahaha!

[miel]

I keep trying to teach my daughter to cuss...I say: "Fuck, honey, say fuck!" First she said "cup" and then she said "duck." She's close, she's very close...

"To the laboratory."*

I've been thinking about this signal and I think you should cross yourself and tremble after their wave...sarcastically, of course.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

A) Bitter is often good
B) I am so relived that I am not the only person who refers to drivers as "Jackass", though I have had to stop that since the birth of my son.

[lis]

"Jackass" is my favorite word. Well, one of them. If I was on the actor's studio I would say "jackass" in the way Jack Black says "jackass" as my favorite curse word. And then I might say, "you know who else uses that word? Finslippy." And then you would be more famous. And Henry would really have to watch his language, because you know what happens to people in the public eye if they say things like "big fucking book."

[Liz]

My daughter is 3 and spent the day with Grammy yesterday. Last night I get a phone call to tell me that *Oh by the way... Your daughter said "Jesus Christ!" while walking down the hallway to the bathroom after being told repeatedly to go use the potty.*

Told Mom that at least she used it in the proper context.

She also was sitting on the couch one day and looked up from playing to see a commercial on Noggin (normally commercial free) and said, *What in the hell is that crap?*

Very funny posts recently.

[Mir]

I think I would like to have Henry for my very own. Wait! Better yet: you can adopt me. Yes, that's definitely the way to go.

[elaine]

this is exactly the vibe i have been feeling the last few days, albeit toward different targets. my husband is doing all kinds of stupid husband/male kind of things that are just driving me fucking nuts. my three year old is presently the embodiment of testing behavior. my one year old is deciding that she needs to be doing the army crawl all over me in our bed from exactly 3-4:30 AM every night for the last 3 nights. AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS ANYMORE.

i'm having a martini when i get home from work tonight.

keep up the good work-you make me laugh and sometimes i really need that!

[Alexandrialeigh]

Heatheranne: I was just going to lurk, but you forced me to comment! I laughed SO HARD at your son sending himself an email that only says "fuck." What a rebel!

God, kids are funny.

[J.]

Alice, are you sure your husband was addressing you? If I heard “Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?”, I would have assumed he was talking to the son of God, and just ignored him and his crazy religion talk. Who knew Jesus had a sideline in housecleaning?

[susannah]

I just had to delurk to comment that one of the (many) reasons I love this site is that the comments are often as pee-your-pants funny as the blog itself.

[Planet Mom]

Things That Piss Me Off.... WHAT A CONCEPT!! I shall begin making my list immediately! TO THE LABORATORY!

BTW, as for Henry's blossoming vocabulary...try having a teenager around who absolutely revels in the educational process of "growing" that evil (but oh-so-functional) glossary among the resident preschoolers....

I've been tempted to hit my 17-year-old over the head with a big fucking book. Could I perhaps borrow Henry's?

[Torrie]

Yea, I've been hating everything too, lately.
People SUCK.
I guess the name of my blog is pretty appropriate.

[PJ]

LOL. I knew it was time to curb my language the first time we got stuck behind a slow driver and my son - at all of 3 years old or so - belted out, "Fucking GO!"

ooops.

On the other hand - I have thought many times of inventing a horn that would say exactly that. If you tap it twice it would say, "Fucking go, Jackass!"

[JG]

First time here. Now I have another fucking blog to add to my must read list. Damn.

(I wonder if my kids will curse?)

[elizabeth]

My stepson after a particularly good haul:

"Look at all these FUCKING BLUEBERRIES!"

[Robin]

Thank Goodness, that someone else's kids swears, too. My daughter went through a swearing phase during which she would, always appropriately, bust out a swear word that would never fail to make us laugh: "Oh shit, my foot slipped off the pedal!" "I just made a big-ass poop!"

Our fears are that she's going to get kicked out of her Christian preschool, someone's going to call Social Services or both.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I want to pretend to be a troll. Going with the theme of the bad words, I will now use bad words in this comment.

U R FUCKING SO PISSED THAT I USE THE WORD HUBS BECAUSE YOU ARE DUM AND SECRETLY A MAN AND UGGGLY AND UR BLOG SUX

SOME OF US HAVE TO CALL HUBSES HUBS BECAUSE SUM OF US DONT WANT HUBSES TO GET FIRED AND SHIT.

dont you care about other people?????? you are SO CELF SENTERED.

[tracy]

don't apologize for being peeved!

i like your occasional peevishness!

[Floyd]

It has been scientfically proven that cursing in young children is a sign of genius. Ummmm...and I don't know how to say this but the sponge issue makes me think your husband probably didn't cuss much as a child. Sorry to be the one to break the news to you.

[Samantha]

My three-year-old son dropped his toy and said, "Goddammit, dropped my toy." My husband looked at me and said, "You realize that is all you, don't you?" I do.