And here's my last whiny post of 2005.

Oh, but I am feeling low.

I could blame the chocolates my mom bought my husband--my delightfully Jewish husband who is all, “I do not understand you Christians and your strange Christ-birthday; who is this ‘Christ’?” and then insists that my family only give him presents that he can consume. So we get these damn chocolate confections that are incredibly delicious; one of them makes you feel that you require twelve more, and then the second one provides you with the sensation of needing to tear your skin from your face and set your pants on fire. I ate three.

Also, Henry is sick. We put him in preschool and he fought off every virus that came his way, but one weekend with my family was all it took to bring him down. The night before last he had the CROUP, and we immediately rushed him into the steamy bathroom and sat there until the ceiling melted. He continued to whuuup and hurrk far long than he ever had before, but then as we discussed our imminent trip to the ER, he decided hospitals were not his thing, and the episode passed. But now he’s all drippy and crusty and feverish, and when I’m not worried about him I’m worried about how I’m going to keep from killing him.

He is moany and whiny and needy and I can understand why, but he’s not needy in a way I understand. Lying on the couch requesting blankets and tea—this I can understand. Running around and throwing toys while wearing nothing but socks and screaming at me to take off his socks—this is his version of being sick, and it makes no sense to me. No he does NOT want soup, take that blanket OFF him, he LIKES shivering, and don’t THINK about giving him Motrin, on second thought the Motrin tastes like candy so give him EXTRA, what do you MEAN extra is bad for him? THE NAKED BOY WANTS EXTRA MOTRIN.

When he isn’t demanding that I overdose him, he wants me to play, except what he really wants is not for me to play—he wants me to sit next to him and watch him as he plays. This way lies madness, as we know, but I am not given much of a choice in the matter. If I try to pick up an action figure and join him in playtime, I am berated. If I attempt to rise and get a glass of water, or maybe use the bathroom, there is much screaming and pleading for my company. If I sit right next to him and read a book, the book is torn from my hands. My attention is demanded constantly, but it’s only to acknowledge whatever it is he is doing. “Look, Mommy!” he announces, holding up Batman. “I am holding Batman!” Pause. “Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!” and so on, until I respond, “Yes, that’s Batman, all right.”

Repeat this with every one of his two hundred figures.

I am bored out of my mind. Literally, I have no mind.

So maybe this is not the best day to take stock of my life. But whoops, too late.

Waaaay back, I got an MFA in creative writing and I told myself I would have a novel published before I had a child. Ha, ha! No really, I did! I know! Then when I was pregnant I downscaled my ambitions to, “Hmm, I should really get a short story published before I give birth.” I didn’t make that goal either, but I did eventually get two stories published. And a poem. Which, okay, more than zero! Not so bad! But really if I consider myself a writer, I should have more than two stories published in my lifetime. Two stories (and a poem) would make a crappy collection.

So now I’m working on a book. Which is nice, to have an idea, to be working on something. To finally, after years of struggling with rock-bottom expectations and crippling self-doubt and blar de blar twelve years of therapy blar, be doing what I’ve always want ed to do. Except! I have no time! Ever! Because there’s this child! Whom I think a great deal of, who’s really a great kid, but who demands every second of my time! And I may be just a wee bit resentful about that!

I’ve been getting up at six in the morning to write. I am not a morning person. But Henry isn’t either, and as he gets up at 8 at the earliest, it seemed the perfect time to get some things done. But by the time I get a cup of tea, turn on the lights, find my robe, use the bathroom, stare at my freaky morning hair in the mirror, turn on the computer, and try not to throw up as I see what I wrote the day before—by the time I’m ready to write it’s 6:30. So the most I can do is an hour and a half of writing. And it’s not enough. I need that much time just to remember why I’m sitting there, what brought me to that place and what it was I wanted to say, again.

Today I made the mistake of reading an interview between Paul Auster and Jonathan Lethem, and they were talking about the five or six hours each day they devote to their writing, how satisfying it was to have SO MUCH time to write! Devoting those hours to their Art infuses the rest of the day with a “kind of grace,” they agreed. And I thought, if I see you fuckers on the street—and there’s a good chance I will; they’re both around here somewhere, I’ve seen them before—I am going to kick you in the shins. Six hours! Hey, Jonathan: once we were at the same party and you were dancing and you danced like a moron and I laughed. And then you went home and wrote a masterpiece. Wait, that didn't make me feel better. Asshole.

I don’t know how anyone who is a mother is also a writer. I suppose you have to achieve a certain level of success so that you can hire a nanny without killing yourself from the financial burden or from the guilt or choosing your nonexistent career over your child. But if I don’t have the time, then I can’t write the book, so I can’t get the money, which I need to, um, have the time. I go around and around like this, and then I want to throw up. Or maybe that's the chocolates.

I am sorry to end the year like this, so I will say Happy New Year, and then I will go to bed, and maybe tomorrow, the last day of 2005, will suck a tiny bit less.

Comments

[Becky]

Sorry about the sick needy kid. We have one of those at our house too. If one more child "needs me" at all today, my brain is going to shoot out my ears. So I know exactly where you are coming from!
Good luck with the writing, WTG on getting two stories published.

[Alissa]

i'd give you a dollar/entry just to read your blog. if everyone would do this, you could hire your nanny, and finally write... but you'd still have to blog... for the money

[Jenny]

I think the secret is tranquilizer darts, strategically employed. Drop 'em like a rhino on the savanna, and wham! you gain an extra hour.

[Eulallia]

Just think- you could have been born without arms! Then how would you write? I mean, you could use that voice recognition stuff, but when you told it to type "it was a dark and stormy night" it would write "flit has a lark on horny heights" which makes no sense. Then where would you be? Things could be worse. See, don't you feel better now?

[Michael]

My uninformed opinion (I'm a single guy) is that parents now obsess over their kids. They are sure that any little thing they do wrong will scar them for life. My sister is just like this. I think it's possible to set some limits on your parenting time without damaging your son. Kids survive all kinds of real neglect -- he'll survive a couple of hours a day without your devoted attention.

[Boulder]

And Michael? That kind of thoughtful reflection is exactly the kind of thing that will keep you single...

I concur - I can't fathom how moms find the time to write anything anywhere. But, if it means anything - I love to read what you've written here. I'll keep coming back until the book is finished 1.5 hours a day or not.

[stacey]

Just today, I was lamenting over the hilarious joke that really understanding the sacrafices your parents made to birth you and raise you aren't fully understood, nor appreciated, until you find yourself bookless, sleepless, and hopeless with two children who now think you owe them what life once owed you...funny huh?

When I have days like this, I remind myself: you are not limited by your ability to raise your child nor your inability to finish a book...YOU are FAR MORE VALUABLE than any of the things you do that attempt to define you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Blessings, Stacey

[Effective Nancy]

I would just like to point out that the confections often seem like the best reason to fuss over the holidays; I was grossly disappointed this year when my husband's mother gave out sour apple Starburst canes instead of normal pepperminty ones, since good candy is part of the reward for not telling the nieces about Santa Claus. (This year, however, I did get the juggling monkey pants, so I kept mum yet again.) In exchange, my husband very much enjoys my "performance" of "the Hanukkah song." He even paused the football game in order to watch this evening, so engrossing does he find my ritual.

Hope the Henry recovers quickly, and that you find moments here and there again soon that you can string into at least a dirty limerick. Happy! New! Yay!

P.S. Continued supportive thoughts on your weaning. Your initial post came just when my doc was blithely offering Effexor in response to a crisis instead of actually getting me the kind of help I needed, which turned out to be the joy of firing an ineffectual psychologist after two meetings. Without having read your story, I might not have been able to prioritize my options as appropriately for my situation as I did. Thank you.

[Belinda]

Didn't JK Rowling have a mess o' kids when she wrote the first HP? Oh, just checked, and this is precious:

"She worked on the book for several years, finding quiet moments while her daughter napped."

HAHAHAHAHA!

Well, at least it took "several years."

I would buy your two stories and a poem. Just double-space.

[anne]

it could be worse: you could want to write a book and have no talent. the time will come, somehow, really.

[Robin]

I'm in a similar boat and I know the frustration of which you speak. I send my daughter to daycare one day a week and that's my writing day. Of course, I spend about half of that day trying to remember what the hell it was I wrote a week earlier.

A few years ago I read an interview with Barbara Kingsolver where she talked about writing while her kids are at school. Why, she sends them on their merry way, makes a cup of coffee, sits down at the computer and quite often, when the children return home, her cup of coffee is still by her side because she was so productive she forgot to drink it.

I want her dead.

[lisa]

I feel your pain .

I have 5 children ( the youngest is 2 and I homeschool )and they have all been sick for over 2 weeks !!!

I used to write songs , now I write verses .
I have so many- started - songs with tunes and everything but no completed songs in atleast 6 years .

I would love to learn photography and the bass guitar and take my singing to another level . Not going to happen anytime soon !!!

Your time is coming ( a lot sooner than mine !!! )

[magicdrgn]

Oh Alice...Does the deep and profound love of your blog readers make it any better?

[christy]

My dad is a writer and I remember as a kid getting up at all hours of the night and he would always be in his office working. Now having kids, I am realy not sure how he did it. I would be a drooling zombie of crankiness if I tried to stay up past ten.

But also, my dad has told me that until your kids get into school, you basically have no life. None at all. Ever. And Henry will be in school in the blink of an eye - in what, 3 years? That's nothing. I have probably sprent more that three years total of my life picking my nose. Not, you know, in a row, but you know what I'm sayin'.

[Anne]

Oh, darlin', you hang in there.

I can't stand hearing about the people who can write in little bits here and there. What! How do they do that!

No, unadulterated blocks of time are hard to come by. And if you've had to spend the day exclaiming over Batman figures, you need even more time, just to reactivate the brain cells.

It really does get easier as they gte older, though. They start spending more time on their own. Also the Batman figures (in our case Bionicles, God Help Us) start to disappear. Slowly. Over time.

But really. they do.

[Joanne]

I've only been obsessing over my child (oh, Michael, really, shhh!) for six months and I can't do anything but obsess over him. I have a Masters of Science in Info Management, so I couldn't use that while he naps, even if it was for ... days at a time! Alice, you are a wonderful talented writer and as a previous poster said, the time will come. I, for one, am banking on it. Also? My baby has never been sick and I have been dreading it, now I know why!

[DD]

You know the part, "He is moany and whiny and needy..."? I use that to describe Mr. DD when he is sick. Is there anything more pathetic? and I HAVE a 4 yr old.

Don't take this as patronizing, but you have published a story: FINSLIPPY! and I enjoy reading every chapter.

[KT]

Well, I'm not a published writer yet, but I do write...

I set myself moderate word goals (2,700 words per week, or a little over 5 pages - your average novel in regular font being about 500 words, give or take) and work when I can. First thing in the morning, while my daughter's napping, late in the evening when my husband's at his gaming group.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just sit down and write, even if it's complete crap.

I admit, though, I'm lucky. My daughter's fairly independent and doesn't want supervision to play, she's mostly happy playing in the same room as I am, but does her own thing.

Seriously, though, if you can afford it, you might see what your local day care can do for a few hours once a week, if H. is really that needy.

[Jane]

Seriously, start a daycare "virtual tip jar." I'm sure your readers would be happy to pitch in, as long as you kept the blog entries coming, too!

[Christa]

1.5 hours is about what I get. I used to get another 1.5-2 when he napped, but those went by the wayside when the nap went away. I definitely hear what you are saying.

I would not have completed my novel without my husband's agreeability to giving me full days on weekends (not all of them) to work. I find after one of these that it's a lot easier to stay focused on daily work, because I have a much better feel for the material. Or I would if I didn't have the work for hire stuff demanding my attention alongside the 2-year-old.

The secret is trying different things until you find something that works... which you must keep doing, because they are constantly changing the rules. Nothing ever works for more than a week because they clue in and switch it up. Dang kids.

[Katy]

While I'm not a writer, I have other creative interests that I would love to pursue, but that require more than 10 minutes at a time. (Which my 5yo & 2yo don't give to me, of course.) I feel like I am always having great ideas and no time to follow through on them and it makes me batty! I don't want to resent my children--I did choose to have them, I know--but some days it is oh so frustrating.

Oh, and it's not as easy as just "neglecting" my kids for a bit--they actually do entertain themselves here & there quite fine, & I don't spend my day entertaining them. But--as you know--there is also the meals, and the neverending laundry, and the mess mess mess, and the 2yo who loves to write on everything with markers. And the exhaustion, physical AND mental. It's not like I can send them to their rooms to play video games for hours every day.

[Kizz]

Stop reading Lethum and start reading Anne LaMott. She seems to have built a substantial set of writing in between parenting her kid, going to church and passing out from her addiction problems. Surely she'll have good advice for how to write while obediently acknowledging Batman and his naked master.
Good luck!

[Nancy]

As a fellow mom, I often wonder how we get ANYTHING done. I mean, here I sit in a living room filled with the spoils from the holidays, strewn about. OK, yeah, I'm doing my blog-catch up instead of cleaning. But even if I clean, the messes come back! And the kids, they need attention! It's a vicious circle.

Seriously, I wish to echo the others who say you are an amazing writer. I would gladly pay for the privilege of reading your writing, whether it be a blog or a book or an article. I look forward to continuing to read your writing, in whatever form it takes.

[E]

I know you've likely thought through every last bit of this, Alice, but is nighttime an option?

After the kid goes to bed at 8 pm. is when I write. Admittedly, some nights are better than others (I'm no Barbara Kingsolver).

Alice, I hope you find the time to write. I will buy your book (or collection of 2 stories and 1 poem!)

[Shrinking Violet]

Okay, I love the "overdose the naked boy" reference. That cracks me up! I don't have babies but boy does my regular job cut into my desire to do creative things. And, Bless his pointy head, Michael just don't know do he.

[sweetney]

this is why i have a blog instead of a book i'm working on: so i can post brief, humorous (yet somehow self-satisfying) ancedotes and niblets amid the endless and all-consuming Primary Caregiving.

perhaps i am not ambitious enough. yet i value a little thing called, umm, SANITY.

the thing (or one of the things) is: you ARE a writer. and a good one. and people read your shit, and enjoy it. it is worth something out there in the world, you know?

i know its no pulitzer, and probably little consolation, but i just want to tell you in a very loud voice that you ARE doing something, you ARE writing. though not hardbound and available at the local bookshop, THIS is of value to many. to me.

much love to you lady. you are the bestest. xo.

[nita]

i don't even really want to tell you this, but chris bohjalian writes from 4am til noon every day.

personally, selfishly, i am not concerned with your finishing your novel. (sorry for the passive....)

i recently found your blog because i am captivated by a child, too. i love reading you; do so every day. when you don't post, i reread something. i think you're brilliant. and i have a feeling that these days with the babes slip by and we'll be much happier people for having lost this time. just a theory.

happy happy and i'll pay retail for whatever you get into print so you get your well deserved 11 cents ;)

[LetterB]

I second sweetney. I am reading online way more than I am offline these days because I get so much more out of it. And i'm a snooty English-major poetess. I really believe that we're on the cusp of a major shift in publishing and what is considered literature and all that. This might be my delusions of grandeur talking, but i really believe personal blogs are a significant new form. You are a pioneer, Alice.

[Lisa V]

The new drug for the three year old tyrant in my house ? Puzzles. They buy at least an hour of quiet time. I want to lick that 100 piece Spiderman puzzle I love it so much.

Does Henry's preschool have an extended day program ? I pay through the nose and Mason can stay there in the afternoon too and loves it.

Also I have a 14, 11,8 year old and before you know it they really are in school. I know that doesn't help much now, because you have the idea now and feel the need to write it now. But this phase of mothering won't last forever.

[H]

You are writing - you're a writer! And I don't think I could get up at 6 a.m. for anything. You get points for effort. One day it'll turn into product.

My mom-in-law assures me that someday I'll look back at this time of small-child-centeredness and think "oh, that wasn't really very long." And she had twins. So she should know.

I work full-time which is hard in a different way, and one reason I do it is sheer self-defense. Another reason I do it is to have $$$ to buy books -- like the one you will, someday, write. If it's not until after Henry starts school? Well, then, you'll have a great plot outline finished, right?

[Cherie]

I just want to echo everyone else in saying, I love your writing. I love reading your blog. I will be first in line to buy any book or collection you have published.

If bits and pieces of time are all you have now, it's better than nothing, right? What about a mother's helper? What about trading off play dates with someone on a weekly basis? And definitely jump on extended preschool if yours offers such a thing.

I do freelance editing and I squeeze it in during naptime, night time, school time. It's frustrating and certainly not as productive as it could be if I had bigger chunks of time to work with.

Happy New Year!

[Brooklyn Mama]

Yup. That's my year in a fucking nutshell.
Here's to more time in 2006.

[honestyrain]

yes.

[marian]

It's just impossible until they start school. But they do start school. Even then it's not easy. But somehow you'll manage to survive the interim. There's time. You'll get there. It doesn't seem like it now, but you will.

You're a fabulous talent--your day will come and all this obstructionism will add even more fuel to your creative fire.

[Alison]

Alice! You are one phenomenal woman! Enjoying your blog so much - why don't you just publish the whole darn thing?

I only stumbled across you because of the reference to coming off Effexor - how has that all gone for you?

Wishing you a great 2006 from across the pond,

Alison

[Lori]

Being a Mom will give you far more material to write about than you can imagine. My degree is in Ecology, Behavior and Evolution(Take that intelligent design folks) and I could teach a great Yoga class if given half a chance. When I get low about how I am waisting all that education at home, I am reminded by a dear friend that I am a better mom for all those talents, and that my career after babies will be enhanced by Motherhood. Being a Mom has changed me in countless ways. I am try to see this as a GOOD thing. Also, you will be amazed at how your ability to multi-task has been honed during the first 6 years of parenting.

[Kimberly]

My fellow mothers are correct. My sons are 10 and 12, and I work full-time. It's well-nigh impossible to find time to research, write or design. And before they went to school -- truly impossible.

Just consider it a phase of your life that will pass. Do what you can with the help of your husband, friends, or others in the community. But don't believe that you should be able to be completely fulfilled in all important aspects of your life at once. That way lies madness.

In a few years, Henry will be out of the house for hours at a time, and if you don't have to work full-time outside the home, you'll have lots of time to write. (I did.)

And if you do have to work, just consider it another phase that'll last until Henry gets a job. And do what you can. Instead of reading, drinking, watching TV, whatever you usually do for fun.

Nowadays, I mostly record, research and collate my ideas as thoroughly as possible. I figure that I've only got about six or seven more years before my youngest is mowing lawns or working fast food, and then I'll have some time. And when they finally leave home -- whoo boy!

[kristin]

OK, I know you're thinking "writer" means creative-writing-leading-to-book-contract-with-Knopf-and-nan-talese-as-your-editor, but you are a writer. so there. i'm a freelance journalist (trans: hack, not writer) with a three-year-old, and i'm in the middle of getting a divorce, and i have to say that daycare (we call it preschool here in Denial House, to assuage the guilt) is a saving grace. but this week i've noticed an urge to put the progeny outside to play in the street, because i have a million deadlines and she's all needy and EXACTLY like henry with the play-rules -- look, be here, but please don't even try to touch one of my toys.

hang in there.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

This reminds me, in part, of a Roz Chast cartoon that I will scan and send to you. This also reminds me of a thing Raymond Carver said about why he started writing short stories, because he had two little kids and only small chunks of time to think coherently.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Here:
http://fussy.org/mom_look.jpg

[Jen]

Are there any friends or relatives who are willing to pull off a two-hour stint of caretaking while you write, provided you do it for them, too? No charge through the swap, and if you're going to oooh and ahhh over Batman with one person, why not two?

I didn't need that for kids, but I did need it when I dealt with the illnesses of parents (who are now 79 and 80s this year) and was still trying to have the rest of my life - kinda.

If this were a pay site, I would certainly pay.

[giddybug]

The saying I keep holding onto: You can have it all. You just can't have it all at once.

[dinka]

Oh, i sympathize! If I do have a couple of hours free, all I want to do is veg, read or knit. I admire you for trying to think coherently, I know I couldn't do it. I love it too when people say: oh just wait a few years. Uhm, yeah, but ... YEARS!!!

[Stefanie]

What you do be a writer and mom is get your book idea sold (not the actual book) then hire a sitter for a few hours a day 4 times a week while you write. Of course, everyday you'll obsess on your deadline which will leave less and less time for your shortie which will make you more and more anxious which will lead to a full-on drug dependancy but if you really want it...success can be yours!

[OvaGirl]

I'm a lurker of several months who's been propelled out of the shadows by your post. I'm also a writer, a playwright mostly, who has found that the last few years of my life have been increasingly taken over by my obsession with my infertility. I started blogging in 2005 about this, and I am now pregnant. With twins. As I chew my dry crackers I realise I have a small small window to write my 2006 masterpiece/book/play/successful grant application...somewhere between the first and third trimester I suspect.
At this stage I am willing to sacrifice my writing time and brain for my babies but I'm also scared and sad about losing the rest and you express that fear and grief so well.
Your blog and your writing is an inspiration. Your posts are such beautiful portraits of your life with your child, every one is a love letter.
You ARE a writer and that book will happen but maybe not in the way it would have without Henry.
Good luck.

[Mir]

Gosh, does anyone have Michael's phone number? After I'm done with my book (which I'm writing in large chunks of time while the children set things on fire) I think I'd like to buy him a beer.

*snort*

Equilibrium--perhaps different than what we would've pictures, childless--does come. And once we find it, it shifts again. And in the meantime, we do what we can.

I used to be a morning person, and now I routinely stay up writing until 2 or 3 in the morning. Not what I pictured, that's for sure. But then, none of it is. ;)

[Michael]

Probably none of you will come back and read to the end of the comments, but just in case... Did you all get this kind of nonstop attention from your parents?

As one of three children, I know it's impossible that I got this kind of doting care. And my mother still managed to find time to do other things even with the three of us in tow.

I think there are even studies that show that parenting is resposible for only a small variation (something like 10%) in things like the IQ of children. Perhaps all this attention doesn't make the difference you think it does?

[ChristyD]

You are an amazing writer, and I think you could get a book of essays published from the material on your blog alone. You often have me rolling with laughter. I wish you had the blocks of time to write, but in the meantime, I have two ideas. Put the feverish kiddo in front of Sesame Street or America's Funniest Home videos (you can get a DVD), and read Confessions of a Slacker Mom (it's the best "parenting" book I've read in almost six years).

[PhC]

I once heard Barbara Kingsolver say that she works when her children are in school- the bus comes to pick them up, she writes. It drops them off, she stops. She said she has heard about writers who have many rituals and processes for writing, but she's a working mother and just does what she can.
Also, that the Poisenwood Bible sat in her desk for almost 20 years, unfinished.

[ChristyD]

P.S. I'm not saying you need a parenting book, but it made me feel much less guilty as a mom, and I am looking to it for parenting advice these days. It's also a quick and fun read. Here's to a great 2006.