Needles and the damage done.

So! I went to an acupuncturist. All the goodness and the excitement has been a bit too much for my delicate constitution. There are papers to sign and papers we can’t find that we need to find and enormous life changes to freak out over. Accordingly, I have spent the last week either shaking, crying, or hyperventilating. Or all of the above! Together! Which was quite alarming for Henry, although I did my best to hide from him while I was freaking out or convince him that I was either a) having an allergy attack, b) exercising, or c) crying out of sheer joy. He didn’t buy it. “But you cry when you’re not happy,” he said, and then he grabbed my face and said. “I love you. I. Love. You. Alice.” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh so I did a little of both.

This acupuncturist came highly recommended, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to try, although my one and only other acupuncture experience had been traumatic. That time, the acupuncturist covered me from head to toe in needles, set a timer for fifteen minutes, turned the lights off, and left the room. I was wearing only a paper gown and I was so covered in needles that if I moved any part of my body, strange crampy pains washed over me. I couldn’t even move my face. Eventually I managed to relax. But then! The timer went off. And no one came to get me.

I waited. And waited. And waited. I tried not to panic, because when I panicked I tensed up, and then the pain started. I tried to relax. I was cold, and I was shivering, and the shivering was making everything hurt. I began emitting a noise like a dying yak. I could hear movement outside the door, but I was sure they had forgotten me. My dying-yak sounds grew louder. And louder. Eeeeeerrrrrr. EEERRRRRRR.

Finally, the door opened (TWENTY MINUTES LATER) and the light was turned on. And it was a horror show, my friends: the paper gown covering my chest was covered in blood. I have friends who get acupunctured all the time and one friend who practices it and they all say sometimes there’s a tiny bit of blood, but this was not that. This was like the bucker of pig’s blood had tipped over my head and I just wanted to be liked and AIIIEEEE! Now everyone will die!

It wasn’t good. The only good thing was that I didn’t have to pay.

I told this new acupuncturist about my last experience and she shrieked a little and clapped her hand over her mouth. I approved of her reaction. And then she assured me that she would only insert a few needles hither and yon, and that I was her only patient so she definitely wouldn’t forget about me. So far, so good.

But then while she’s sticking me, she’s asking questions about our apartment selling. And I tell her how we had all these bids on our apartment, which is great, but it also meant crushing the hopes of many nice people who had told us in no uncertain terms that ours was the apartment of their dreams. And the acupuncturist murmurs, “Let the agent deal with that,” and I tell her that we’re selling it ourselves because we can’t afford the agent’s 6% take, boo hoo, we have no money.

And here, kids, is her reply, in the same soothing murmur: “That’s a common misconception, as agents are more experienced with the market and can accurately price your home. You may not have to pay the six percent but all that means is that you probably priced your home too low and now you’ll get less for your home than you would have with an agent. I’m all done with the needles, “ she breathily concludes, “and I’ll check on you in a few minutes.”

Then she leaves, and I’m lying there, in the dark, wondering: did I find the one acupuncturist/real estate broker in Park Slope? And at what point can I call her back in and tell her we priced it just fine, and anyway we got more than the asking price, and also, shut the fuck up?

Comments

[Nothing But Bonfires]

I would have grabbed a couple of needles out of my forehead and poked her in the bottom as she walked out of the room. And then I would have said "How'd you like THAT acupuncture, acupuncturist-slash-real-estate-agent-slash-busybody?"

Or, you know, I would have just said nothing and then starting crying when she left the room. No doubt you handled it better than that.

[marshaTM]

Ow. I got a pinpricking sensation in my chest while reading your post.

I was getting a massage last summer when the masseuse started kneading my arm and saying, "Hmmm. A lump! That's not normal. Definitely cause for alarm! You should get that checked out" and as I lay there anticipating a future cancer diagnosis I felt the same lump in my other arm, which I pointed out to her to which she answered, 'Oh, you're right. It's a bone! Hahahahaha!"

Maybe she knows your acupuncturist.

Congrats on your apt. sale!

[Julia]

a) I am NEVER going to get acupuncture, now (JESUS CHRIST), and
b) what a beyotch that second lady turned out to be! What is it with everyone that they convince themselves they are indispensible in the world (she is def an agent or married to one)? Also, this reminds me of the dentist or whatever it was that sent you the referral to the financial planner. Wasn't that it? Wasn't that you? God, I'll die if it wasn't, but anyway, what is it with people, hucking their services in all manner of inappropriate places? Does this woman think that you lying there contemplating the loss of thousands of dollars could possibly be a healing experience? Witch!

[alice]

The sad part is, she was a good acupuncturist, and I might go back to her.

At least she didn't make me bleed!

[newlywifed]

If I ever thought I might be on the fence about acupuncture, this post definitely helped me climb down on a side... the safe side.

I find it amazing that people have such a lack of self awareness that what they say might be rude or upsetting to someone else. These people just spew information without regard to the ears it lands on.

All in all, wouldn't you rather be insulted than covered in blood? I would say that each visit is getting microscopically better at least!

[Éireann]

Oh Alice! You are okay now, yes? No? Death by pigeon-poo-bombing for the acupuncturist/real estate agent? Say the word.

[Candice]

I missed the part where you asked for her opninion. Oh you didn't? Then you should have told her that.

[Tracy]

Yeah, I had a massage therapist ask me if I ate a lot of cheese as she kneaded my naked flesh. "Yes," I reponded, and she then said, "You know, your body will look like what you eat -- that's why all of this cottage cheese is here." Talk about your shut the fuck up moments. But at least I didn't have to give any blood on the scene. As for your latest acupuncturist? I've decided she isn't one at all. She's just a realtor/masochist. Like the dentist/masochist in Little Shop.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

Maybe, if you go back, you could just make her promise to not talk. Ever.

[blackbird]

First of all: I like Reiki, they don't stick anything in you.
Second of all, I am now assuming that I am screwed as we put our apartment on the market last week, and we are selling it ourselves...

[Saartje]

First the massage therapist (?) with the financial advice, now the acupuncturist/realtor. How do you find these people, Alice?

[Mir]

Oh dear. I love you too, Alice, though such a statement from my child (to be fair, my children have yet to call me Alice, but they do sometimes insist on calling me Mir for effect) usually makes me respond with the guilt-inducing "If you REALLY loved me you'd call me Mama!" Wait, perhaps you should not be taking child-parent interaction lessons from me.

The apartment is sold, I'm sure you did fine, and there was NO BLOOD. So. All is good!

[DD]

Obviously it doesn't matter what she said in relationship to real estate because she must have sucked at it or else she wouldn't be doing acupuncture.

If you had a real estate agent telling you how an acupuncturist should needle you, would you take that advice? No? Point made.

[mom on a wire]

Bloody acupuncture! Aaugh!

find a happy place...find a happy place...find a happy place...

[Paige]

I went for a massage once to relax and the lady ended up running through the whole list of Things I'm Here to Avoid Thinking About in the first ten minutes. It's really hard to relax when all the person can ask about is Children, the energy crisis, how dangerous it is to be in the military, and bizarre traffic accidents.

But the whole 'no blood' thing sounds great - keep her!

[leyla]

Urp - I'm so sorry that you have had the misfortune of running into very unprofessional acupuncturists. And, I'm even more sorry that they're giving a bad name to medicine which has changed my life profoundly (for the better). Ick - you are right to be turned off by the unsolicited, not-health-related "advice. Blech. Oh, and a good acupuncturist will give you a bell or some sort of signaling device if they leave the room.

[David]

If you got more than the asking price, wouldn't that suggest that you _did_ price it too low...?

[jozet]

I had a gynecologist once tell me that I paid too much for new tires.

And then my mechanic reminded me that I should breastfeed.

So now, I just hire one professional - a guy who knows about lawn grubs - and have him come check my engine, do my taxes and take a pap smear all in one afternoon, and I'm saving a lot of money.

The acupuncture bloodbath story will haunt me tonight.

BTW, my cousin is leaving Brooklyn also. She is in tears. Google "Adzentoivich News" - there is someone else going through the same thing as you right now...except without the bloodshed.

[Velma]

Living in an area with wildly inflated property values means that *everyone* has an opinion. When we sold last year, I got (unsolicited) advice by the bucketful. My favorite was the high-school age cashier at the grocery store who overheard me chatting with a neighbor about getting the house ready to sell. In between smacking her gum and looking bored, she advised me to "get it sold before the bubble burst."

[MomVee]

“I love you. I. Love. You. Alice.”

He could get some work writing screenplays. Or at least soap operas.

[Arabella]

Surely there are multiple acupuncturists/real estate agents in Park Slope, let alone in Brooklyn as a whole.

[Heather]

I have never been to an acupuncturist, something about the needles.

Anyhow, isn't it ironic the crapy things people will just throw out at you. Most of the time they have no idea how incensitive they are, or if they do, they don't care!!

[Meg]

Oh, good heavens. How does she know you don't have a background in real estate? Or what the asking price was? Or that you tend to wildly stab people who criticize your achievements AND NOT WITH TINY NEEDLES?

Silly woman.

It looks like you got needled twice, girl. And to that I say:

She can stick it where the sun don't shine:).

[wordgirl]

My sister said that acupuncture was the only thing that truly helped her quit smoking. A friend of ours just moved to Park Slope. I wonder if you know her.

[marian]

I think that showed that she has a fine incisive mind and isn't just a new age twit. Not that acupuncturists are routinely new age twits. Or anything.

[Tits McGee]

Mmm...relaxing!

[alice]

A fine incisive mind? To tell someone in her care, someone who's a weeping mess, that basically she's an idiot?

[Lisa Canter]

Ok - so give up on the needles - they are not for you! God what a nightmare! Thanks for sharing - will help me think twice before I ever....

[Beverlee]

Don't you just hate when people drop their word bombs in a "soothing murmur". Like, if you're being a bitch - sound like it for crying out loud!

[dkbp73]

Had to de-lurk for this one. I will NOT be getting accupuncture after reading this. Holy. Freakin. Crap.

I agree, do your job and shut the fuck up! I hope it works for you....

[DM]

My doctor had referred me to this guy because I was having back pain caused by stress - he was similar to a chiropracter. While I am there, he manages to insult me continously. Such as "You know, you're way too fat." "You're too heavy to be manipulated properly." And my favorite, the under his breath comment as he is helping me roll over "God, this is disgusting." Yeah. That really helped a lot with the stress.

My whole viewpoint is that I'm glad she did a good job with the acupuncture but insulting someone, whether it be their intellect or their body, while you're supposed to be helping them is just not helpful.

Congrats on selling the apartment.

[Jessica]

Okay Alice, honey, seriously -- your bloody acupunture experience sounds like the time they tested me for carpal tunnel and forced me to make fists and stuff with needles stuck far enough into my arms that they were in my MUSCLES. That shit is painful! It was a horrendous experience and after it was over, I asked the guy if he liked his job. And I think I said it with a fair amount of venom because he very much looked taken aback and speechless! Then I went to my car and cried, because that shit hurt in the weirdest way. I don't know how many of you all have had that carpal tunnel testing -- but MY GOD! OUCHHHHH!!!!!

Also -- I hate the real estate comments. I recently bought a condo here in Sacramento, California for under $240 per sq. foot, and typically it's $300 or more, and people are telling me all kinds of things that are very unsavory. I just want to say, "Um people? The sale is done, I live here now, so shut the fuck up! Jeezus!"

[Bethany]

If you read the chapter about real estate agents in the book Freakenomics, you'll be glad you sold your apartment yourself. According to the authors, it's actually agents who undersell a house.

Congrats!

[Amanda]

I love you too, Alice.

[Sarcomical]

oooh, i bet her mom's a real estate agent or something like that. way to tense you up and leave you all alone with the needles!

[Sara]

One med student here, taking notes on what *not* to say to my future patients. Thanks for posting about experiences like this - I stand on the shoulders of giants... or idiots... or something.

Also, jozet, your comment made me laugh out loud. Nice multitasking. :)

[Belinda]

The last time I went to an acupuncturist (women with bad enough endometriosis will try ANYTHING), she set little piles of herbs on fire. On my body. I was to tell her when it started to burn. Which was, of course, a good 5 minutes before it actually did.

[Vixen]

I had one acupuncture treatment done on my left elbow....bursitis, about 4 years ago. To this day, it still hasn't flared back up! If you can find someone that has experience, it really does work, and it doesn't hurt.

Also, a massage therapist, or an acupuncturist, are not supposed to talk during the session, or if they do, only to ask if what they are doing hurts, or how the pressure is. I'm a certified massage therapist, and that was one of the first things the teachers said to us in class. It's SUPPOSED to be relaxing time, not gossip time! Crimeny.....some people!

VV

[roo]

I just don't understand why she would care how you sold your apartment, or why she doesn't get that you hired her to help you feel LESS stressed.

Maybe she just isn't the sharpest needle in the pincushion (or the Finslippy, as the case may be...)

[Lucinda]

Egad. Hate it when people who are working on you have unsolicited negative advice. Hate it. And then you're thinking "I PAID for that shit."

Anyway, I guess it's time to delurk and say I read you faithfully & I'm lovin' it. Wait. I hate McDonalds. I swear...

[Suz]

Oh, that's just crazy! I don't see how her opinions about real estate have anything to do with your treatment and believe that she should just keep them to herself. BTW - I sold my townhome myself for the same reason that you're selling your apartment and it ended up being the most sane, reasonable, and humane real estate transaction I've ever participated in.

[swarty]

Me, I just liked the Neil Young reference in the headline.

[lis]

I thought that the Abfab episode where Edina has a pain in her foot, and she goes to the doctor, and they find out it's an acupuncture needle in her toe, and she goes:

"But I've only ever had cranial acupuncture?"

was enough to scare me off the tiny pinpricks of death, but now, dear Alice, I am paralyzed in fear. Except for the twitching. Oh. My. God. That entry was scarier than taking a shower right after seeing Psycho.

6 percent, Shmicks percent. When you get it, flap the wad of cash at her and tell her she can't have it.

[Philippe-A.]

You readers seem to be very paranoid. The acupuncturist, if I've read right, is not a real estate agent, she was not trying to get that 6%, she was just giving a wise piece of advise.

The fact that you got "over the asking price" might very well mean that your asking price was too low.

You have to accept the fack that when someone does something for a living, that person will most likely be better than you at this very thing.

And to other paranoiacs, I'm not a real estate agent either. I'm a bartender. And I make much much better drinks than any of you could ever possibly dream of. And will bring in much much more tips.

[Dorothy]

Your comment, I would say, should be delivered before clapping your hand over your mouth, which is the only appropriate response here.

Okay, bartender, serve us up one.

[Bob]

Alice, I'm very glad you're going back for acupuncture. Like every other sort of profession, there are good and not-so-good practitioners--and even the good ones are not necessarily the right match for everyone.

I find it quite interesting that so many of your readers are willing to negate 5000 years of Chinese medicine history based on your single horrific experience. I am, of course, sorry you had an awful bloody (literally) time with that first acupuncturist, but I'd be willing to be that all those who are saying "Ick, now I'll never try acupuncture" are still going to see MDs despite all the documented (and equally horrific) malpractice cases.

So tell me, folks, when was the last time you decided not to see your physician because you heard about someone dying due to being administered the wrong medication?

Makes me cranky...

[Ariadna]

Re: First accupuncture experience... Harsh! I think I would have flipped out and done some damage to the office.

[veg4me]

Can't stop giggling over the bartender commenting and using the word "fack".

We sold a home ourselves once and only sold it for 2 thousand less than the agent listings were. Ended up pocketing 15 thousand. Couldn't stand the thought of letting an agent get that money for sticking a sign in my yard.

Just bought a home last week that was FSBO and it was a pleasant transaction- if spending $300,000 could be considered pleasant.

[Kristen]

I moved to NJ 2 years ago from Brooklyn to one of the 2 towns starting with an M, that almost every migratory Brooklynite chooses. I hyperventilated and cried almost daily and I experienced my first panic attack at this time. I swear it gets better.

I also happen to be an acupuncturist and I can't believe your 2 experiences!! I'm sorry that you bled that much (it shouldn't happen!)and that you got someone offering unsolicited advice, when your already freaking stressed out.

And just so you know, you don't have to stay in the room by yourself. When someone new comes to see me, I always ask if they're comfortable with me leaving the room and if they aren't, than I stay in there with them. We don't talk (unless the patient wants to) I sit in there with them, reading in the dim light with the nice, soothing music and their experience isn't traumatic.

[alice]

Yeah, guys? Don't not try acupuncture because I went to one freak. Honestly, although the woman I saw last week was odd, the acupuncture itself was completely fine. And now, look at me, no shaking!