Warning, Dutch people: the American idiots are here.
Melissa and I were sitting on a bench at the Rijksmuseum when a kind-faced elderly woman approached us, a guard guiding her by the elbow toward the bench. We immediately rose to give her our seats, but instead of, say, sitting down, she began chittering at us with some sort of urgency in Dutch. It seemed like time stopped while her mouth continued to open and close, open and close, while she squawked and clicked and yooped and eccched. We stared at her, frozen in terror, finally managing to summon enough strength to back away. And as we did, Melissa murmured, “I don’t speak what you’re talking.”
Then we hid around the corner, which was about five inches from where the old woman was sitting, and we snorted with laughter until my father came to take us away. I'm sure the poor woman is still wondering why they let the feeble-minded wander unescorted through a museum.
That old woman was my grandma! She reads your blogs every day. She wanted to drink (free) beers with Melissa.
Oh well. Maybe next time.
Posted by: Mary | February 26, 2006 at 01:10 PM
She was trying to tell you that she wanted to be your guide for the rest of your tour of her fine city, and that she knew where to find all of the free bathrooms and the best coffee/pot house.
Posted by: kelly | February 26, 2006 at 01:41 PM
she must have wanted you to buy drugs for her. or from her. ;)
aw, you guys are having fun already!
Posted by: Sarcomical | February 26, 2006 at 01:46 PM
There had better be pictures of your face looking at people speaking to you in Dutch when you come back from this jaunt into cold strange land.
also? I like "thank you for not learning one single word of Dutch."
Posted by: lis | February 26, 2006 at 02:26 PM
Oh. This is gonna be good.
**sitting back and waiting for the stuff to happen**
Posted by: angela marie | February 26, 2006 at 02:48 PM
dude, dad or no dad, if you guys don't smoke out at least once while you're there, i'm never gonna let you live it down.
oh yes, we went to amsterdam... and had some lovely fruit juices and took some nice walks! waaah waaah waaaaaaaah!
Posted by: sweetney | February 26, 2006 at 06:10 PM
See, you are really getting TWO vacations! A vacation to Amsterdam, and also a vacation to your carefree 12-year-old selves, what with the giggling and the hiding and the sensible-dad-in-charge and so on. Except you don't get the bad parts, like the zits and the crushes on unattainable boys. Lucky! Sounds fabulous.
Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | February 26, 2006 at 07:52 PM
You should've tried talking in BubbleTalk like Bill Cosby - it's the universal language. :)
Posted by: Aj | February 26, 2006 at 09:23 PM
My God. At least she didn't try to hug Melissa.
And please, if you and Melissa go to a coffeehouse and partake of the special cigarettes, please write about it. I'm begging you.
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 26, 2006 at 09:25 PM
she squawked and clicked and yooped and eccched.
So THAT'S where my great aunt Helen's been this whole time! She's in AMSTERDAM! *is greatly relieved* ;)
Posted by: Kaguya Hime | February 26, 2006 at 10:12 PM
I don't even care, because I am going to say "I don't speak what you're talking," to my husband for a LONG time to come. Thank you.
Posted by: Belinda | February 27, 2006 at 12:30 AM
You guys are hilarious. Fully enjoying this vicarious trip.
Posted by: LetterB | February 27, 2006 at 12:13 PM
cold, huh? darn.
note to self: no amsterdam in february....
Posted by: honestyrain | February 27, 2006 at 12:56 PM
It can't have been important or she would have chased after you!
Posted by: Chris | February 27, 2006 at 02:42 PM
HA! That post just made my night.
I'm going to have "I don't speak what you're talking" tattooed somewhere.
Posted by: Tits McGee | February 27, 2006 at 08:26 PM
I love it that you were frozen in terror. You DO make Dutch sound scary, though. Your description reminds me of a young adult book I read in 6th grade called "Greenie" where the old babysitter is actually an alien coming to take over the earth.
Posted by: ozma | February 28, 2006 at 01:32 AM
Go to the Heineken factory tour. Free beer. But they only do the tour in the morning. Nothing funner than wandering around frozen Amsterdam at 11am drunk as a skunk. Seriously.
Posted by: Pearatty | February 28, 2006 at 05:00 PM
Ah, AMsterdam. I was there in January once. Oh. so. cold. but the dog crap is frozen now, and that's something for which you should be thankful, b/c I've also been to Amsterdam in August, when the dogs do not crap any less than they do now. "In de Goot" my ass.
Posted by: Deana | February 28, 2006 at 08:03 PM
The dutch are very sensitive. My brother almost tried to touch the Night Watch at the Rembrandt museum and they totally freaked out?!
Posted by: knq | February 28, 2006 at 09:48 PM
"I don't speak what you're talking" is THE BEST. EVER.
Posted by: Amy | February 28, 2006 at 09:51 PM
i agree, "i don't speak what you're talking" has just entered my lexicon big time (a much-needed replacement for "talk to the hand")
Posted by: joy | February 28, 2006 at 09:55 PM
Your blog always makes me laugh (in a good way!). Have fun.
Posted by: Fran | March 01, 2006 at 09:23 PM