Today.

I’m so, so sad, and all I do is cry. I miss Brooklyn. I miss everything about it. I want my friends here. I miss my mom being able to come over for the afternoon and drive me nuts. I miss the noise. I miss sitting outside on my stoop with Henry when there was nothing to do and Henry calling out “Good evening, madam” at everyone who walked by. I miss walking across the street to buy my groceries and the store manager shouting “My friend!” when Henry came into his sight. I miss walking down the street for an iced coffee. I miss not feeling lonely and pathetic; I miss my life. I want this to get better, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it any better. I just want to feel better.

Comments

[Carol]

Sorry to say that it took me a year to settle into my new life.

[clearlydistracted]

When we moved, it took me a while to realize that I needed to make myself happy. And then it took me another while to figure out how.

[Ally]

I can't imagine how lonely it must feel to you. I mean, it feels lonely to me, out it what you'd consider the 'burbs, but I'm not at home all day with only a shorty for company. Given what you're used to, I'm not surprised it feels miserable at the moment.

I bet your library or local bookstore has a weekday storytime - might be an opportunity to hook up with other SAHMs in your area.

[wix]

It just takes time. We left our 'old life' behind almost a year ago, and it was easily six months before we shook off the new-town funk.

[wix]

...not that we've shaken it off entirely. Sorry, itchy 'post' finger.

[Arabella]

Cookies! Cookies make everything better. And exploring fun new places in your new 'hood. Google up some fun!

[Alexa]

Oh my poor, dear Alice. I wish I lived nearer, because I would be happy to come over and drive you nuts or shout "My Friend!" whenever Henry came in sight. Don't they have iced coffee in New Jersey?
I truly hope that things get better soon. Could some friends/your mother come for an extended visit, or would that just make things worse?

[Ayala]

I can't imagine how hard it must be. Is moving back to Brooklyn an option? Prices seem to be coming down...

[Jessie]

I'm sure it will take time for the new life to not feel so, um, new I guess. I really do hope that you find a way to be happy in your new home.

[Amy at Fannfare]

I have such fear about leaving our tiny infuriating house in our great, funky neighborhood for ANYwhere else. My heart goes out to you... We are starting small by spending just the summer somewhere else (DC to Colorado!) to see if I would experience the same. From the comments above it seems that it gets better. Keep typing through the hard stuff. XO Amy in DC

[mimi smartypants]

Oh, now I'm sad for you. I know all about having the store down the street and the noise and the stuff. And for some reason it makes me particularly sad that your mom can't just pop over and describe Henry as a "little Italian" any time she wants.

[schmutzie]

When I married the Fiery One, I moved to live with him in a city three hours from the one I had lived in for twenty-one years. I still miss it, but this place has become more and more mine, and the people here have sewn themselves into my life in a way I never believed they would. It will happen for you, Alice. It's just hard.

[blackbird]

Oh!
I just want to de-lurk and give you a hug!
New places are hard...
it will take time to find the iced coffee and the park with friends and the best corner of the library, but you'll get there.

[Brooklyn Girl]

I'm sorry--that sucks. I'm harboring a crush on my friend's house in Jersey, and the thing that keeps my from falling in love utterly is worrying about the exact feelings you describe.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Melissa Summers]

Maybe you can join the MOMS Club. That worked out *great* for me.

Maybe I'll move to New Jersey instead. I don't want you to join the MOMS Club.

[jess]

Me too! And i'm really not much of a hugger.

I think everybody is right that it will probably get easier for you. That doesn't really help now. Can you drive into the city once a week to see friends and your mom?

What about henry's school (for next year) can you get involved there?

I know how hard it is. I feel for you.

[erinire]

i am sorry finslippy, and I have no good ideas for you. :( I hope you feel better!

[Sweetney]

awww sweetness. i'm sorry you're going through this tough adjustment. maybe a weekend in the city with friends would help?

let me know if you need anything, always.

[the patriarch]

Cities offer up stimulus. In the suburbs, you have to make your own. Think about what you loved in Brooklyn, then think about how you can make those things, or things like them, happen in your new town.

[Meg]

We changed neighborhoods and lost the "walking distance" thing, but it's nothing like this. I'm so sorry.

[Anne]

If it's any comfort, I am very envious. I mean not that you're miserable but that you are near good schools, have a garden, can swing a cat indoors should you choose to do so, live near Tony Soprano...hope it's not all bad.

[wavybrains]

I moved from St. Louis to Oregon 3 years ago this summer. It's only been in the last year that I felt I truly loved it here--and I *wanted* to move here very badly. It takes a while to find "your people"

[Bethany]

I so sorry. I remember when I moved from my hometown to a city 2 hours away to be with my then boyfriend (now husband). I knew I wanted to be with him, but when my family left I cried and cried and cried and it took weeks to feel good about it.

All I can say is this: remember why you wanted to move and embrace those things right now. It'll come.

[Noelle]

My grandparents moved around a lot when my mom was little and my grandma always told them, "Give it a year. If you still really hate it in a year, we'll move back." It never failed that in a year, they felt more settled.

As someone who made a huge move 3 years ago, I feel your pain. It does get better. I promise. For now, hang on to that.

[Lisa H]

Go out, enroll your child in something, anything at all. Then accost the most real looking mom you can find and invite her out for a playdate (they like indoor fast food type places here, but it's 95 degrees outside). Seriously, after six months of feeling the way you do right now, this inviting-a-stranger thing worked out well for me.

(And then I joined MOPS, which made life even better, but I know it's not for everyone.)

[madge]

Almost a year gone and the Brooklyn Yearn sometimes still brings tears. But, I'm in Maine.

It gets better, though. I second the recommendation of enrolling in something, ANYTHING, for Henry. Swim class, music, kids gym, etc. Just standing around with other moms helps a lot.

[honestyrain]

oh alice. i would be feeling just the way that you are. and i want to say that iw WILl get better but that would be trite and besides, what do you care if it'll be better some day. you need to feel good now. so i say create new habits. a new routine. you've had alot of change lately and nothing feels right side up. you need to make a new right side up. but even once you do, you will always miss brooklyn. that doesn't mean you should have stayed there.

[honestyrain]

and then my typos ate your head and there was nothing left for you to worry about for suddenly you were headless!

[braine]

It's encouraging that your post is titled "today." I hope -- and maybe you recognize -- that it might not be this way tomorrow.

(We moved to the burbs in '03 and I took the lad to Mother Goose Time at the library, where we met everyone and I mean everyone. The Library is your friend.)

[Robin in San Jose]

Ouch. You sound like you are REALLY REALLY down in the dumps. It's been a long time since I last moved away from "home", but the more things you get involved in in your neighborhood, the smaller it begins to feel. With both my kids in elementary school, me taking karate, and signing my older son up for soccer, I started to see the same faces in different places. Those faces became more and more familiar amd yes, as as beloved as the old ones. Phone your mom when you miss her. If she's like mine, she'll drive you nuts over the phone just as well as in person. Oh, and just get out of the house. Do something active to get those endorphins flowing (NOT necessarily exercize) and shake off the blues. Good luck sweatheart.

[sanders5]

You are strong - not lonely or pathetic; and you're honest. Things will get better - it is your very nature not to stay in this state for longer than a few good cries. ((hugs))

[Terry]

It will be hard for awhile -- how long is hard to say. But:

The best thing I found to do when i was in the same situation was to just go SOMEWHERE (with my kids) and force myself to be at some new place, like a park or library or store -- whatever. Did it suck? Of course it did, because I was alone in a strange place feeling like a lost idiot. But it DOES suck less & less as you force yourself to go out & keep busy. If nothing else, you waste time & at least can feel like you got out & accomplished "something" even if it was really very little.

Please feel free to ignore the assvice. It's just that I don't want you to be so sad.

[kim]

Oh Finslippy, it will get better for you, I promise. (Having experienced the move from Brooklyn to suburbia, I know there's a sort of unique pain to this, but it WILL get better in time.)

[jody2ms]

I am sorry you are sad today.

It is so hard to move to a new place. Making friends and memories......hard stuff and they take time, which doesn't help you feel better today.

Maybe ice cream? Or one of Dooce's "Oh My God Our Plumbing's Fucked Cookie's"

Or like Sweetney said, a visit to the city to see your mom and friends.

[kelly]

Oh, shit Alice. I'm sorry. It took me a few years to be happy living out of Park Slope. Time. Bla bla bla. Stiff drinks. Bla bla bla. Lots of hugs and all that. I so know what you are going through. It does get better. Eventually. Slowly. In sweet stages.

[Moxie]

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

And you almost made me type the word "honey" to you on the internet.

[onehotvintage]

Well, rather than give more advice because everyone has already given good advice, let me suggest that you put on a pair of knee high socks, maybe some super sexy granny underwear, a tshirt, and put your hair up in some ridiculous hairdo and dance around your house for 10 minutes. That should make you laugh and smile, at least for 10 minutes, and if not, at least be happy that for the few seconds I was writing this comment I was imagining myself dancing around like that and it got me out of my funk!!

[alice]

And that will be the exact moment when my neighbors show up, with a piping hot casserole.

[onehotvintage]

What better way to break the ice! Welcome them in, and ask if they're willing to be the mock judges for America's Next Top Clown, as they've caught you in the middle of your "So you think you can dance" segment!

[victoria]

My husband once said that the suburbs exemplify entropy: everything is spread out equidistant to everything else so as to achieve the lowest energy state possible.

So, uh, yeah. I know what you mean.

[LOD]

Over Memorial Day weekend, we had to pilot our stroller into the street because the sidewalk was blocked by enormous plastic bags full of wet, rancid garbage.

City life fever: Catch it!

[Velma]

As a veteran of more moves than I care to remember, and a fellow "live-in-my-head-alot" kind of gal, I have found that you just need to slog through it. I've found that between 3 - 6 months goes by, and slowly the new place becomes less new. You just need to keep getting out of the house, driving around and exploring, and yes, even joining things. I myself am not a big joiner, but in driving around and exploring I inevitably find things that spark my interest, and in checking those things out, I usually find people I like.

[Robin in San Jose]

Oh God. If "sweatheart" didn't cheer you up, you are beyond hope. Can anyone teach me to spell?

[Mir]

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry it's still so hard. Listen, you've got a lot going on inside your head right now, and at the very least you've got to allow for the possibility that THIS seems larger than it might actually be, because there's OTHER stuff magnifying it. (Allow me to demonstrate: My basement floods. I immediately spend a week crying under my bed about how I'll never find love again. See how that works?)

You need some Make Alice Happier events, stat. Consult with the husband and make the necessary provisions. It's time.

[Lissy]

Cookies, wine, and a place to volunteer. It took me 5 years to make the town I live in my home, and it would have never happened without volunteering. I had to throw myself into the new community and make it be mine, not wait for it to feel like mine.

I know that's a ton easier said than done, but you have to get involved or it will be misery.

The grocer can't get to know you unless you talk to him, and the iced coffee won't taste as good from the drive through unless you are focused on something other than the old coffee house and old walk to get there.

It's tough, anyone who has ever relocated as an adult can relate, but it will get better, we can all promise that! I wish I were your neighbor I would be over keeping you busy and involved until you wanted to puke!

[HollowSquirrel]

Big hugs from a stranger. Not a creepy stranger, but one who thinks you're fabulous and funny and a terrific mom/writer/person. Get out there, look strangers in the eye, and if they seem sassy or interesting, talk 'em up. You'll find some cool people and then some cool places to go, shop, etc. That will make not being in Brooklyn much more tolerable. And then lovely.

[owlhaven]

Sorry. Hugs. Eat chocolate.

Mary, who lives 8 miles from the nearest grocery store and 5 miles from the nearest GAS station, for cryin' out loud.

[Rayne of Terror]

Yeah, we've been in our new town 18 months and I still miss the old town. It's not that the new town has grown on me, but the yearning has grown less with time. Plus the gang war going on in our old neighborhood and shootings within a block of our old house. That helps keep the yearning in perspective.

[Teresa M.]

Oh I am so sorry. I don't know just what to say that wouldn't sound trite or insipid.
You made a big move & it's hurting your spirit....and no fellow sister in Motherhood wants to feel another woman's spirit hurting or being saddened by anything. I am sending you my best & most comforting energy - I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you. All of this and I only know you through your writings these past few weeks.
You are in good company - know that much.
Do something that brings you comfort - whether it is a certain meal, movie or p.j.s....comfort yourself in all ways.

[lis]

I know it's strange to you, but I still feel this way about brooklyn. I moved from SF and it still feels like I'm an alien here. And from what I can understand about fitting in, the volunteering and clubs thing is the way to be. And going out of the house, yes. leaving. finding places with fliers and people to talk to.

I'm rooting for you, alice. hang in.