In real life, I don't send cards even when my mom begs me to.

In my dream last night, I complained to Scott, “I send greeting cards to my friends all the time, and no one ever sends me any. That’s it. I’m not sending Jen my usual card for when it’s time to color her hair.”

Can you imagine such a card? I’m not sure whether it’s a reminder (“A little bird flying overhead told me it’s touch-up time!”) or congratulatory (“Hooray! You’re not letting yourself go!”). I think I need to come up with more cards like this. I could start a line! My mom would buy them all.

My calendar says it’s time for someone's pap smear!

Saying “Those frames aren’t doing a thing for your face” is my way of saying I care.

Congratulations on paying your bills on time (I hope)!

Flossing yet?

Come on, give me more. Together we can start a passive-aggressive greeting-card empire.

Comments

[Chookooloonks]

It's Tampon Time again! Best wishes on a speedy menstruation!

[Jean]

how about a card that says,
"Don't worry! Nobody saw you!"

[Amy at Fannfare]

They did this once in a spot on David Letterman -- tried to start up a frank and honest card company. My favorite was a holiday card: "Christmas is a magical day, a time for families to dream. And, because of the way you brought me up, I have no self esteem."

To a friend? How about "You haven't called since BAD MOOD DAY. Check box and return -- I'm sorry, it's all my fault."

[Dave]

This is a real card, but I can't remember where to find the site where it is available for purchase. On the outside, it says:

Peeing is the body's way of ridding itself of toxins

and on the inside, it says:

so I guess I'm peeing you

bye bye peepee

[Meg]

Thinking of you during your breakout.

Deepest sympathies on your pants.

When I think of friends, I often think of someone other than you first. Then you come right to mind!

[Jen]

The best part is that I read this and immediately thought, "but how does she KNOW about my roots?"

A lawyer friend once had this tally on his whiteboard in his office: "Number of days without committing malpractice." Perhaps a line for professionals along these lines? ("Congratulations on three months incident-free!" or "I'm so glad they decided not to sue!")

[Chair]

You're not really going to eat that, are you?

I'm so sorry about your divorce. Do you have his number?

[Chair]

You're not really going to eat that, are you?

I'm so sorry about your divorce. Do you have his number?

[Blaine]

I have no creative inspiration to add, but I'm laughing my a** off. Keep 'em coming!!

[Baketown]

Congratulations on not getting caught!

Thinking of you on this 2nd Anniversary of our affair.

[Mary]

Oops! Looks like a new cold sore is popping up!

or, conversely:

Congratulations! The cold sore is clearing up!

[Sara]

Hahahahaha, I have no brilliant cards to add to the list, but I laughed harder reading this than I have in a while. Thanks!

[madge]

A second helping isn't helping you at all!

(Actually said to me once...)

[Alexandrialeigh]

How about:

Congratulations!

(Inside)

You've been signed up for What Not to Wear! Stacy and Clinton are going to have a field day with those spike heels and short skirts you insist on wearing to work every day!

Love,

Your coworkers

[Jane]

Or you could skip straight to aggressive and do cards like these.

[Heather B.]

Congratulations on your muffin top!

Love,

All of us

OR

On the front: Congrats on your pregnancy

On the inside: Whoops! I mean beer gut.

[Em]

When you snore in your sleep and I punch you in the face, it really means I love you.

[Petey]

Outside: Sorry to hear you lost your job.

Inside: Hopefully love really IS all you need.

[LadyBug]

Sorry about your failed attempt
at your second child's conception.
Hey, at least you didn't catch
another urinary tract infection!

Awful. Just awful, I know.

[Alexandrialeigh]

Good luck on your DUI trial.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery from your boob job.

[Steph.]

Card shows a single colorful flip flop:

Congratulations on your well-defined camel toe! This flip-flop should just about work. Here's to a new pair of low-rise jeans that fit!

Gross, but it could be really helpful in society if you asked me...

[schmutzie]

There are fifty ways to leave your lover and only one way to effectively tell you that your deodorant's stopped working.

[chirky]

Outside: Some say they don't like talking on the phone.

Inside: Rather, it's just that they don't like talking to you.

[kelly]

Front: A little skidmark told me.

Inside: It's time to buy new underwear.

[clickmom]

How about on the cover:
The doctor will see you now.
And inside:
Halitosis, it's treatable.
Good Luck with your treatment.

[quirky]

I have to credit my Mom for these

It's always darkest before the storm...

You don't want to FILL IN BLANK, do you?

[Megan]

Congratulations! You don't look so bad today.

[Mir]

Tis the season... to grow your own penicillin in the crisper drawer!

Best of luck getting Junior through this awkward phase. I'm sure it won't last more than four or five years.

Don't worry, it'll grow.

[Sarah]

On the front:
Missing you...

Inside:
Display this on your desk and you too can pretend you are loved!

[Tricia]

Congratulations!

Most people can't carry that extra pregnancy weight for more than a year.

[Erika]

It was just a love shove!

A little bit, or a whole leaf,
You've got some spinach in your teeth.

[Pickles & Dimes]

Front: Just so you know...

Inside: the stubble's got to go!

(for men or women)

[Frema]

I don't have anything witty to add, but my husband and I were in Hallmark a few years ago and saw a Father's Day card that said on the front, "We miss having you in our lives." I'm not kidding, I swear to God.

[kim]

Try not to worry about those marital troubles you shared with me last week.

(inside)
My coworkers say that everyone feels like that sooner or later.

or...

Statistics indicate that the vast majority of women are married by 30,

(inside)
But apparently you're an exception! Happy Birthday, and congrats on bucking the trend!

[Jonathan]

"Saying how much you mean through a card because we really can't be bothered to visit"

[Sarah]

Ooh I know!

On the outside: "Poop!"
On the inside: "ON YOUR HEAD!"

Ok, well the kids would find it funny.

[andrea]

Santa may be jolly, but he sure ain't getting laid. Please renew your gym membership.

[LizRM]

Peek-a-Boo!
(.) (.)

It's mammogram time

[LizRM]

Is it hot in here, because you look flush!

(inside)

NOPE! Just time to make your child support payments.

[Mom101]

There is a real card that I love so much from Papermama, which we featured on Cool Mom Picks. It's for a new mom and it reads "did you ever think your boobs would give you so much trouble?"

I just can't top that.

[krystyn]

I'm sure I had something clever and funny to post, but it went flying out of my brain when I read "When you snore in your sleep and I punch you in the face, it really means I love you."

[Amanda]

It's time for your bikini wax!
You're getting hairier, down there-ier.

[the patriarch]

It's time to change your catheter!

[MomVee]

Outside: Just letting you know I'd appreciate a call every now and then
Inside: I'm not like you, I need attention.

Outside: Enjoy your new home
Inside: It won't feel cramped if you stop having kids right now

[Jen]

How about one of those cards that has a little insert inside to hold cash? It could have a picture on the front of a dam that's sprung a leak, and on the inside it would say:

Sorry about the condom. Hope this helps.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Congratulations on getting your period after all! We never thought you were mom material, anyway.

or maybe the rather more banal:

Outside: Looks like somebody's got some overdue library books!

Inside: What, do you read like a page a day or something? OTHER PEOPLE want to check out the Life of Pi as well, you know. GOD.

[Suebob]

I actually sold some copy to a snarky greeting card company. Something like:

Outside: I would like to share my hopes and dreams with you
Inside:...if you would just shut up a minute.

I was so happy!

[Kristin]

Hi-

Outside of card: One of those flowery sentimental prose-poem things, about how sometimes it takes a good friend, or your mom, to say things that one needs to hear....

Inside of card:

Is that what you're wearing?

___

Outside of card: mom/sis/friend with supportive/tolerant expression.

Inside: As long as you're happy.

-K

[J]

Nothing witty to add- just to say keep em coming because this is great!

[nate]

I don't know, but if Roz Chast ever has writer's block she'd better call you!