Coloring with Henry.

Scene: the kitchen. Henry and I are coloring in his and my new favorite book, Scribbles. I had a book like this when I was little, and I think it was called the Anti-Coloring Book, or the Counter-Culture Coloring Book, or the Hippie Love Down With the Man Groove-Tastic Coloring Experience. I loved it so. Anyway! Henry’s drawing on a page that depicts a zoo. You’re supposed to draw the zoo animals. Only Henry’s not drawing an animal because he plays by no one’s rules. No, he’s drawing a giant cockroach. He pronounces it “cock-a-roach,” because he’s the reincarnation of Jimmy Durante.

“The cockaroach is zapping all the people with his mystic light force,” he says, drawing purple lines emanating from the bug to each hapless zoo-goer. Continuing to draw, he says, “Sometimes instead of cockaroach, for short I say ‘roach.’”

“Sure,” I say. I’m busy coloring the security guard. He’s terribly jaundiced, poor thing.

“Sometimes instead of cockaroach I just say ‘cock,’” he adds.

“Oookay,” I say.

Then he tells me, “The giant cock is taking over the world.”

At that second Scott teleports himself from his office directly to our kitchen, shouts, “That’s my boy!” and then whoosh, back to his office.

Maybe whoosh isn’t the right word. Frrring! I think that’s more like it.

Comments

[birdgal]

Oh my dear god! :) That little story just gave me a horrible case of the giggles....

[elise]

It's every man's ultimate dream. Apparently it's in their DNA from the start.

[Mir]

I think it was very kind of you not to point out that the giant cocks have already taken over the world.

[Alissa]

Humping Hilarious.

[Jess]

Hey, I had one of those "anti-coloring books" when I was a kid. I actually found one at a used book store the other day, and bought it for three bucks (it's not been used or anything). It's hopelessly out of date - one of the pages says something like "what will our transportation look like in the year 2002?"

Glad to hear they're still making them!

[Queenjulie]

I also had the Hippie Love Down With the Man Groove-Tastic Coloring Experience as a kid, but I HATED it. I was such a little conformist, I hated not having a specific picture to color in--having to make up my own made me feel totally pressured and self-conscious that my drawing was terrible. Actually, I still feel that way when I have to draw something. :)

[slouching mom]

Maybe we underestimate these kids. Maybe they know exactly what they are saying.

Jack has a friend (a girl) who was over at our house the other day. She came downstairs and asked her mother if she could sleep with Jack. Her mother yelped and uttered a strangled but audible "NO!" Whereupon the four-year-old girl muttered angrily, "You never let me sleep with any of my boys."

[Meg]

Your son is absolute comedy gold. He should play the Poconos.

[abogada]

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

[Jeana]

I supposed the next page will involve Puss in Boots?

[Maggie Mason]

I hope you're already printing T-shirts.

[say hello to my leetle friend...]

jimmy durante, hell... the kid sounds more like tony "scarface" montana to me...

you f@#&ing cock-a-roaches....

[OMSH]

Y'know, I'm 34 and I think I say cockaroach. I blame it on living in Texas - I'm required to add consonants.

[Daniel]

Back in the '70's my Dad bought us a board game called "the Ungame." It was a game where nothing happened. Nobody won, nobody lost, you just kept going around and around until someone went crazy from boredome and punched someone else. Wherein a riotous frenzy would ensue. Then we would sit around and talk about our feelings or something...

That game sucked

[Heather B.]

And you should have said: "Ha! too late kid! They already have"

[kalisah]

I think this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read.

[Kookaloomoo]

Goodness. I just peed a little...

[Amy]

Ah, so this is what 4 will look like?! Thanks for the heads up.

[DM]

So my friend, whenever I ask her what I should write about, will always say "Chicken." If I ask her what I should sing, she will say "Chicken." She has co-workers send me emails at random times with pictures of chicken.

I was bored the other day and started writing a story about a chicken who took over the world. It's entitled "The Wicked Cock."

So I am not thinking about a giant penis taking over the world, instead I am imagining a gigantic rooster trampling all over the city. But, you know, either image works for me. I love your kid.

[Kait]

That's hilarious! I especially love Scott's pride over the fact that Henry thinks that Cock's will take over the world! Too funny!

Those colouring books would make me nervous. I like lines, and borders and all that stuff. I've never actually seen one, but I'll have to check next time I'm out! :)

[Sandra]

LOVE the Scribbles books. Santa brought one for my very creative 6yo daughter (I think he found it at Costco!), and it's her favorite.

This is not to say that I've overlooked the significance of Henry's closing comment.

[RLJ]

Where do you find these people? (speaking from Europe here). I followed the link, did the poll and 47% of voters thought that playdates and alcohol together was "not responsible parenting." Who voted in this? Does the show only have nutcase mother-haters as viewers?

So yes, in Europe, we don't give it a second thought. Since stopping bf it hasn't even occured to me that I should drink less when my son (18 mths) is about. He goes to bed at 7pm, so he doesn't exactly see me at the point of the dodgy balance but he's joined us at a number of dinners where wine (and Scotch) has been consumed. Yes, I do sometimes drink to the point where I wouldn't get behind the wheel of my car. (HELLO, people, don't you have TAXIS out there?) And sometimes even to the point that I dance foolishly and make rude jokes (usually, however, in a bar while my neglected son is sleeping sound under the watchful eye of my non-drinking babysitter whose references I have never checked, but she needed cash and I needed a night out).

Who decided that alcohol was such a dangerous thing that poor little mothers couldn't drink "responsibly?"

Sometimes, alice, your blog reinforces every negative stereotype we europeans hold about americans. But it also reassures me that there are some sane folk out there (they just get silenced on mainstream tv).

[Jenny]

Those damn giant cocks. Always overstepping their boundaries.

[You can call me, Sir]

Giant cocks taking over a zoo....it'd be awesomely awesome if somehow Godzilla showed up to fight said giant cock(s) as the hippos and monkeys looked on in awe.
Henry's going to grow up to direct some very interesting movies.

[Susie]

My son calls cockroaches "crotch-o's". Tons of fun all around.

[iheartnewyork]

We have Scribbles! Love it. And Doodles. Love the design of those books as much as the idea behind them. And the anti-coloring book still exists: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0805068422/ref=wl_it_dp/103-5475701-7255058?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2TOBJPZ2HC75B&colid=1DO9UKTQTF3ED

[Heath]

I like this daily posting of amusing anecdotes. Pray continue.

[Sara]

I love that Henry. Oh how he makes me laugh.

[rascoagogo]

There are little tears because i'm at work and MUST BE QUIET! Good Lord, the mental pictures of the zoo full of cartoon giant roaches and cocks. Henry is so so great.

[Melanie]

That was just awesome.

[Anais]

This story made my day. I can't stop laughing.

[Abigail]

Daniel's comment about the ungame made me laugh so hard my head exploded.

[Judypooh]

“The giant cock is taking over the world.”

I need to have that on a tee shirt. Briliant.

[islaygirl]

omg, daniel, we had the Ungame too. we always had to play it on FAMILY NIGHT. aaaaaaaagh.

[Lisa (the girls' moma)]

And just think, if you hadn't started this blog three years and several days ago, you would have had no where to tell this hilarious story.

Just think.

[Meredith]

Their language skills just rock my world every day.

Li-cious = delicious
Hos-ti-pal = hospital

You get the picture :)

[Eva]

Hiiiiiilarious.

I just love that Henry.

[Jim]

Taro Gomi? Didn't he write Everyone Poops? Got it for a high-school graduation present (yes, there's a story there...) One of my faves! I'll have to check this one out!

[Kate]

I'm with judypooh-- there MUST be a t-shirt.
On the back it could say, "until the giant vagina swallows it"

[Queenjulie]

Oh God, the Ungame! We too had Family Night, and we too had to play the Ungame forever and ever and ever, or until someone died. Worst game EVER.

[brandy]

Until this very second I had forgot about the Anti Colouring book. I had thought it was one of those weird things that only I had because I also had a sort of Escher colouring book. My parents were hippies and I was the only kid I knew who had those books not to mention the only kid who did yoga, ate granola, licked cherry flavored rolling papers(i didn't know what they were other than they tasted pretty good) had giant bean bag chairs in the living room, didn't eat sugar, ate sprouts etc. So like a lot of thing from that time I thought it was something that I made up or was made up for me.

I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy, but also kind of sad that I didn't have colouring books made for me.

[Mauigirl52]

LOL, Alice, love the Henry stories! He is so funny.

I would have benefited from one of those coloring books. When cleaning out our old house when my mother moved, I found some of my old coloring books that she'd kept. I was apparently not a child who was good at keeping inside the lines or coloring large areas neatly. Glad to know coloring book creators have recognized that not all kids have the same outlook on things.

[Deb]

OHMYGOD
This is too funny, my favorite!

[Mom101]

Oh, the son that my own partner wishes were his. If I share this, he might come and steal him in the night, seriously. I'll be discreet.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

I think congratulations are in order for keeping a straight face!

(Hey, now THAT could be an interesting greeting card. I know it's going back a few posts but still. Something like "Congratulations On Not Laughing At The Giant Cocks! We're All Proud Of You." And then there could be a place for someone to slip a check in or something.)

[Misty]

OMG...I am falling off the sofa laughing! Thank you, thank you!

[Emily]

Ooooh, that is too funny!