The lie.

Dear Wonderland readers: there's a new post up.

Tonight, after dinner with my parents, we all settled down to watch the tape of Melissa stomping on Meredith Viera's head. And by that I mean "Melissa showing remarkable taste and restraint in not stomping on Meredith Viera's head." (As Henry likes to say when he utters something nonsensical, that’s what it means in my world.)

I was all set to give you the full commentary from the Bradleys, because they're known for their amusing commentary, but mostly there was puzzled silence, along with some sighing and head-shaking. (Also, whenever Meredith said Janet Taylor's name, my mom would say, "Wait, did I hear that right? Genitalia? Is Genitalia really her name?" and “Well, her name is Genitalia—there’s her problem.")

And right now I feel mostly the same way about the show: puzzled and weary (if eager to mock Janet Taylor). On Friday morning, as I sat in the green room, watching Melissa more than hold her own against the bullshit, I was completely unsurprised at how events were transpiring. My expectations had already been rock-bottom. I knew the piece would be slanted against Melissa and her booze-loving ilk from the start. But at least she sounded good. And she looked good. And that, I thought, was enough.

But all weekend, I felt vaguely sick about it: both about the segment, and my own apathy. You know, it sucks that we're trained to expect so little. An issue is raised, and instead of meaningful debate, we get a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval. It's meaningless and shallow and dispiriting. And not at all surprising.

It may not seem like a big deal, a short segment on whether moms should or shouldn't have a drink when they're with their kids. But behind it, behind the supposed concern about this new trend (quoth my mother: "Give me a break") is one message. It's the same one we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected.

This message is so pervasive, we don't even hear it anymore. We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are. And then the media turns around and asks, why are mothers so neurotic?

It sucks, and I don't know what the solution is. It's difficult when you're lost in a funhouse to find the exit. Maybe we just point out the lie whenever and wherever we see it. It's not much, but it's a start. And maybe after that first step, maybe we'll know which way to go.

Comments

[OMSH]

"An issue is raised, and instead of meaningful debate, we get a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval."

Honestly, I think that is the absolute best description of that piece. They had an opportunity for some truly meaningful interchange and decied ahead of time the result they wanted.

Someone needs to teach them the basics - intermediate school science works nicely. Let's take the Scientific Method. Conclusion comes AFTER observation and testing. AFTER.

[Emily]

I love this: "We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are."

So very true. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just tell them they're good enough.

[Mutt]

It's like 'they' want us to be in charge of the children, the house, the finances, the cooking, cleaning, and well, EVERYTHING. But, 'they' also think we should be monitored and never step outside of societies "norm". Screw norm (the norm, not some guy, unless you're married to him) and get by the best you can. We live with incredible expectations and if a glass of wine once in a while helps you get through the years. Then by golly, have one on me.

[Liz]

I've read a lot on Melissa's appearance but you have said it so well, Alice.

"It's the same one we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected."

I didn't think about it that way until I just read it, and wow, just wow. I couldn't figure out why the piece bothered me so much until now.

[Kirsten]

These comments are echoing my own thoughts. I was so frustrated when they were making comparisons between mothers drinking socially with friends and paid babysitters. That was the most frustrating moment for me. Melissa was wonderful.

[mom on a wire]

That's what kills me- it's women doing this to other women. Why? Doesn't it remind you of junior high when that bitchy cheerleader goes around calling you a skank just because it deflects from her feeling so lousy about her own problems? I hate that women have degraded themselves to such a jouvenile way of making themselves feel better- treating other women like trash. No wonder so many mothers feel isolated and alone. Look at the people we have for company.

[anne nahm]

Brava! You are exactly right in this matter. I'm in awe of your ability to put your finger right on the issue so eloquently.

[Ashley]

I seem to remember being a little girl and being at picnics in the summer (Fourth of July kind of stuff) and wanting to leave the party because I was little and bored. I remember my mom saying "Just wait until I finish this drink." Which, to me, took FOREVER.

I know I'm not the only one with this experience because my friends and I laugh about it all the time.

So all of the bull about a 'new trend' is just that: complete bull. Its exactly as many people have pointed out - just one more thing for mothers to point fingers at other mothers for. "Ha, caught you! I'm definitely better than you!"

I think its a very sad state of affairs. The pressure on mothers is enormous and counterproductive, and I was very disappointed in the whole piece. Melissa did the best she could and held her own, and for that I'm very proud.

[jenB]

Many many many things annoyed me about the piece. I wonder if next week they will be talking about the trend of Dads having beer while their are watching football WHILE THEIR CHILDREN ARE PRESENT!

[whoorl]

It's sixth grade dressed up in neutral-colored suits and doctoral degrees.

So. Very. Frustrating.

[kate]

Thanks so much for another thoughtful and well-written post.

[Brooke]

Looks like you need some bacon therapy, stat.

Ever read any Margaret Atwood? Because you're reminding me of her. You're so right, for one thing. For another, Margeret loved bacon.

[Robin in San Jose]

Does this mean I can't have a glass of wine with my husband over dinner? After all, we're responsible for our kids at that time, and we're using a glass of wine to eliminate stress. Bad parents we are! Bad, bad, parents setting a bad example for our innocent kids.

[mrsgryphon]

I've been reading all weekend about Melissa's Today show appearance, and you have (once again!) said it best.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words better than I ever could.

[Wendy]

Alice, once again you've managed to crystalize my thoughts so well. What's your Psi rating? I don't know that any of us know what the answer is, but certainly pointing out the lie is a good first step. (As long as we're prepared to be called bitches, of course.)

[Izzy]

a condescending, judgmental puff piece designed only to incite public disapproval

Well said and thanks for the nod :)

[ozma]

Your take on this particular instance of the not capable thing is so right but it is so right about so many other things as well. In a way, you almost want to thank the Today show for being so damn obvious. So many other instances of this are insidious and hard to spot.

[silvermine]

My god, I wouldn't have survived the first month without my 2 am feeding Guinesss.

Let's see Janet Taylor have cracked bleeding nipples, thrush, (all on about 3 hours of sleep per night) and a really insanely enthusiasticly sucking baby with painful gas and colic, and not resort to a little something to take the edge off so you don't shriek with pain for the first minute the baby latches on.

Um. ahem.

And I drink wine too. *gasp* While nursing!

[tuckova]

I agree with your assessment of the show and its intentions, and I found this almost hauntingly well expressed.

But... but.. Alice? You start off by making fun of that woman's name. Not the things she said, not whether her opinion was valid, but that her name sounds like something dirty.

[slouching mom]

Tuckova, it was Alice's mom who made fun of Taylor's name, no? Amusingly, I thought.

But. I think that this is one more example of "mother blame," which has been around in some form or another since the 1940's, and probably forever. The unstated argument is this: if mom has a drink, and kid goes south (either in the short term, say by getting hurt and having to go to the ER, or in the long term, by becoming a delinquent or worse), then clearly it's because mom had that drink. Blaming anyone else (e.g., society, or genetics, or...) would be too difficult and too frightening. Thus in the 40's autistic children had 'refrigerator moms,' whose coldness caused their autism, and kids who became schizophrenic had 'schizophrenogenic moms,' whose alienating styles caused psychosis. Right.

So now it's the 'momtini' (thanks, Melissa) at issue, and in the next decade people will point the finger for the rise in incidence of teens abusing alcohol at the 'momtini moms.'

Ridiculous. Just another example of the way we pass the buck in this country.

[alice]

Tuckova, my intent really wasn't to make fun of the name Janet Taylor. Of all the things she did or said, her name was sort of low on my to-mock list. No, I was just enjoying the fact that that was the only thing my mom could come up with to say.

[MomVee]

Puzzled and weary, yes.

But I'm going to take this a step further. I don't think this is just about the infantilization of women. I think it's about credentials, and invasion of privacy, and a weird abstract sort of class snobbery...parents in general are being told that we're incapable, and that "experts" need to be on hand to tell us which of our instincts are wrong. (Hint: all of them.)

[Sarah]

I have to wonder if part of the problem could be the new "hip mother" needing to vocalize and almost brag about their ability and "right" to have a cocktail or two while watching their kids or on a playdate. Someone mentions the idea that no one says anything about a father cracking a beer while his kids are around, but then again, we don't see fathers running around proclaiming that it's the coolt thing to do--suggesting that everyone who's anyone is doing it. Most of us could have a drink or two and still do well behind the wheel of a car, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea or that everyone would be able to handle it. Why can't we all just raise our kids the way we want to and continue to share stories and advice, rather than turn it into a cool clique? I think that's what the media picks up on--the junior high behavior that many women, especially those in these blogging circles are certainly portraying.

[Cherie]

Well said, as usual.

[Mary]

It's the child bride/virgin image. Mothers are put up on pedestals and expected to be pure and perfect, but also silent, obedient, and docile.

The thing that makes me the most crazy about this is that we do it to each other. It's women doing it to other women! Meredith Viera and Genitalia are not the only ones to do this sort of thing. We judge each other - and ourselves - so harshly. We've internalized this so much. It keeps us all down.

[superblondgirl]

That was a great post - you said so much more eloquently what I've been trying to reply with at Melissa's blog (and just ended up whining about life being unfair, et cetera). Hopefully all this online debate might help us a little bit to all step back and see the bullshit when it is in front of us, and maybe call people out on it.

[Susanna]

I'm glad I missed it, because I'm getting tense just reading about it. And I second Mary (above), this was a great post, and eloquently got the whole issue.

[Meghan]

The first step to freeing ourselves may be to just exclude the "sanctimommies" from discussion alltogether. As Melissa said in the interview, she doesn't want to hang out with people who can't deal with her truths (wanting to sell her kids on ebay some days). Neither do I.

Most of the judgements of fellow mommies come from a place of looming insecurity.

It's also intellectually lazy (and very safe) to leap on the pedestal of sanctimony and resume finger-shaking every time a serious debate about motherhood arises. I am talking to you, Ms Viera.

The rewards of these judgements (the false feelings of superiority and safety) perpetuate the problem. Much like Pavlov's dog salivating when the bell rang. If we start making people who offer that knee-jerk response uncomfortable, maybe we'll make progress?
At least if we exclude the finger shakers from the discussion (because they have NOTHING worthwhile to add in my opinion) we may actually learn something, and feel better about the realities of our lives and of motherhood.

[Matt]

As usual, you've put it all together better than anyone. My kids are in their 20's and just starting families. They can both tell you about watching Mom & Dad have a beer/glass of wine in the evening or at a neighborhood gathering. Some new trend.

[Heather G.]

Basically this seems to be just another way for the media to make something out of nothing. They have to have stories, so why not this? I wonder what sort of story they would come up with if they could see me typing on the computer while my daughter watches TV and plays with a plastic farting ghost that she got as a prize with a fast food meal.

Also, someone said Margarted Atwood LOVED bacon. past tense. Did she die? That would really bum me out. I would have to have a drink to recover.

[alice]

I believe Ms. Atwood is alive. Maybe she no longer loves bacon? Maybe they had a falling out. If you eat enough bacon it could happen.

[Maddy]

Your thoughts about the Today show piece were well put. Pure sexism on Today's part. Women are childlike, must be watched, and must at all times be "good." Sigh.

[MJ]

OH MY GOD. I just watched the segment and was squirming in front of my computer. The puritanical zeal with which it was presented was disomforting. Also, the way every woman had to stress that she had "only" one drink. As if, two drinks made you an alcoholic. No one (other than Melissa and Stephanie) seemed to get the concept of moderation. The "expert" is right that people (mothers, fathers, non-parents) need other ways to relax. And as Melissa pointed out she does other relaxing things. As do most other sane, functioning members of society.

I've just decided to serve alcohol at my next playdate. Never done it before but this zealotry has forced me to choose sides.

P.S. Margaret Atwood is very much alive. She lives not too far frrom me so I could spy on her in lunch spots and see if she eats bacon. (She's notoriously crumudgeonly.)

[Michelle]

Ever since I saw that video I've been waiting for your commentary and you did not disappoint. Thank you for this piece, Alice, well done.

[birdgal]

Nail-head? Let me introduce you to Alice.

[Vikki]

I haven't wandered over to Wonderland yet but I will get there. For now, I just want to say that I really liked you point on revealing the lies about motherhood and mothers. No fancy or witty comment just the fact that that particular piece is powerful.

[Vikki]

I meant "your point" not "you point", of course. Please excuse my typing...I've been up since 5 a.m. (We ditched the pacifiers in our house this weekend).

[karyn]

I just happen to be reading M. Atwood's latest at the moment. And I think Alice writes even more eloquently. I keep getting lost in Atwood's metaphors.

Good post, Alice. I can't think of anything more in-depth to write, because my big, strong husband isn't here to guide me. ;)

[borneochica]

I don't want Sarah to feel lonely, so I'm going to agree with what she says, even if she doesn't need my support. There's been something about all the chatter in the blogiverse regarding this Today Show segment that's been bothering me all weekend and I haven't quite been able to articulate it as well as Sarah did.

I'm not saying that the interview wasn't shitty or that comparing a mother to a babysitter is acceptable. But I also find myself uncomfortable with all the "let's drink! huzzah!" reaction. Because the truth is, alcohol can be really really horribly dangerous. Maybe Janet Taylor feels similarly frustrated that she couldn't make that point, that responsible drinking is all well and good, but for many many many, too many parents, responsible drinking isn't possible and that a discussion about the "Momtini" might be better served by acknowledging that, too, instead of merely glamorizing the new chic of the modern American mother and her playgroup cocktail.

See, the problem is that this issue is complicated. And I haven't noticed our media to be especially skilled at handling complexity very deftly.

I'm not disagreeing with you, Alice (because who would do that?), just trying to highlight another possible side.

[alice]

Actually I agree with you, borneochica; my point is that neither side is served by a piece like that.

[Heather B.]

So let me get this straight and just for future reference: As a mother, you're not allowed to drink or be depressed or work (or not work). But you are allowed to pass judgement and cause friction and be a pain in the ass?

I didn't know you mothers were robots.

[sisterfriend]

What a great point, Alice. I wonder if a piece ever would have surfaced about a few Dads who stood around a sandbox watching their kids play, while sharing a laugh and a beer.

If TODAY were to do a piece on that and got all judgmental toward the Dads, well, the Dads would probably just ignore it, and not care about being judged. They probably would roll their eyes at the women on The View.

Maybe we should, too.

[Kristin, Augie and Joel's Mom]

Well, I didn't see the piece. I like to make sweeping conclusions and gross generalizations. And are some of them. First, my mother drank beer at the freaking public swimming pool, with her friend Sandy while smoking her Tarryington 100's and slathering on her ban d'solei (she always had a great tan even in the dead of winter - she looked great in her snowmobile suit). Women were off the grid then, so to speak, and maybe there is nothing wrong with that.
Second, the Today show is looking for shit to consider a problem. Pinot Grigio during a play date is not a problem. Our foreign policy is a problem. Our middle class apathy about the war is a problem. Our gas guzzling SUV's are a problem. Mom's drinking wine is a made up problem. Third, the whole idea of considering this a problem really speaks to the stupidity of and cattiness of our people (going back to problem #2). Fourth, my husband makes his own beer and if anyone wants to stop by, we will be serving drinks right after work - shall wey say 4:30pm?

[AmyinMotown]

Woo! I have beenn thinking about this (and noticing a lot of parenting bloggers wiritng about it). All this incitement of finger pointing is really sexist, depicts women in a horrible light, and distracts us from the real issues facing parents today (shrinking middle class, creeping materialism, and few choices for parents other than "work full time" or "stay home full time").

And Sarah and Borneochica, I see your points, although I don't think "Cool Mommies drink, nondrinking Mommies suck" was what either Alice or Melissa were saying (although I have seen some of that sentiment in the comments on both their blogs, so I get where you're coming from). I think they are both rejecting this prevailing attitude of judgement and finger pointing about every little thing mothers do or don't do. I don't give a rat's ass about who does or doesn't drink in my circles of friends, I do care about who makes me feel supported and approved of, and who makes me feel judged and wanting.

[MG]

I like the point about neither side being served by the segment. Actually I find it hard to believe this has to be an "issue" now since this can't possibly be a new "trend." It's a trend because someone started paying attention to it and is now clapping their hands in glee as everyone fights about it.

The language that bothered me most in the interview was the question about mothers deciding to "go this route." PUNCH.

[Heath]

GOD. That interview was an absolute crock. I completely agree with you, Alice.

The question about the babysitter was complete bullshit. Who drinks at their JOB? And yet mothers are expected never to have a cocktail again (you know, just in CASE they have to drive someone to the hospital). Motherhood is 24/7, NOT 8 hrs a day, and these sanctimonious assholes seem to forget that.

I would NOT have a beer with Meredith Viera or Genitalia.

[Monkee]

But, don't you understand? Parents aren't allowed to drink...EVER! From the minute you find out your pregnant till the day they turn 18, you are not allowed to consume so much as a thimbleful of Nyquil. Don't tell me about how you're aware of your limits and you know how to drink responsibly. We all know you're just going to get sloshed and pass out while your children run wild and naked in the streets, smearing sticky jam and cheerio graffiti on public property. You should be ashamed of yourselves! What would your mothers think if they saw you now? Don't you remember how innocent your parents were? How your mother used to sip grape juice at dinner parties and your father would enjoy a nice root beer during the game? You people are animals! Oh how times have changed with this new vice, this ALCOHOL! Why can't we go back to the old days, when women in dresses and pearls cooked, cleaned, and reared the children like the dutiful little robots they're meant to be? Have you no decency? See, this is why women shouldn't be allowed out of the kitchen. Damn, hippies! I need a drink!

[mama without instructions]

Thanks for this. I have been reading glowing blog posts about the piece being decent and balanced and how Melissa did (yes, very well) and feeling a little disappointed that no one else seemed to feel let down but it. I’m just glad I’m not the only one who felt like it wasn’t so fair and balanced and great. You describe the main problem perfectly.

[Mary]

If they showed Dads sitting around, drinking beer and watching the kids, it would be, "oh, good for you, Daddies, for watching the children! Now don't forget which end the diaper goes on! That was hard, wasn't it? You deserve a beer."

Which is insulting to both Moms and Dads.

[Mauigirl52]

Very well put, Alice. It is sad that so many of these news magazine shows (and even what passes for the actual "news" shows) already have their point of view before even putting together the piece. What ever happened to real journalism, where you take a subject and actually examine it thoughtfully?

And, both my parents had a cocktail before dinner every single night of their lives. My dad lived to be 92 and my mom is 88 and still going strong. She also smoked and drank while she was pregnant (everyone did in the 50's - her doc just said to "cut down a little" on the smoking). Needless to say I survived and actually thrived. Amazing, isn't it.