Give me your highly conditional love.

Where have you been, Alice? Well, I've been right here, dealing with a love-sick psychotic!

Henry's school has been on winter break this week. Because four-year-olds need a break from all that fingerpainting and storytime. (Yeah, I know, the teachers need a break, what-ever.) It's been fun, because my kid, frankly, is a lot of fun, but also? He's kind of nuts. Yesterday he wept because he loves me "and it's just so good." A few minutes later, when I suggested that he put on his socks, he informed me that he was going to "slice [my] head off." When I suggested that perhaps that wasn't the best turn of phrase, he clutched my legs and swore that he was saying it to himself, as a funny little joke. Then he told me he would love me even after he was dead dead dead. Could he have a cookie? No? Then he didn't even like me and never would.

When he got over that bit of heartbreak, he sang me this song:

I love love you so much
I just can't handle it
Behold Mommy! You're the best one ever!
[whispering] but I wish you were a better one

P.S.: Wonderland today! Go see!

Comments

[braine]

That's what it's like when your stalker moves in!

[Laylabean]

*laughing* That kid is hilarious! I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you all the time, but he sure makes great blog material. So see, your suffering is for the greater good, aren't you proud?

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Wow. Bipolar and emo....a deadly combination.

Also, I bet you could create a pretty entertaining cartoon with characters named Bipolar and Emo...sort of a Pinky and the Brain kind of thing.

[Jodi]

Behold? What a scream.

[Rhonda]

Ah, the joys of motherhood. Yesterday my toddler told me, "I love you more than Tivo." That is quite a bit of love there.

[whoorl]

I love Henry to bits and pieces.

[fairly odd mother]

That song is great! I think it is the universal chant of the four year old. Just wait til he starts writing little 'love notes' that you find with 'STOOPID MOMMY' written on them (yes, I've gotten that one).

[karyn]

Ah yes, the 'love notes.' We call them Clare-mail here. Last night I found one one my bed after I finally gave up and told a sobbing daughter (about two-three hours after regular bedtime) that I was sorry she missed Grandma, but we couldn't do anything about it and she would just have to go to sleep because there was nothing more to be done.

The note read, "Dear Mom, I am going to cry until my bedroom floods. F.R. Clare"

I also received one around Christmas (again well past regular bedtime when we had several female family members visiting), "Dear Mom, You have all the women you need now. I am forgotten. Love, Clare."

These five year olds and their drama! Just wait until the day when Henry can wield his little pen and tell you how he feels about you every second of the day! Good times, good times.

[shannon]

oh dear lord, kids are weird. no one tells you how irrational they are and then you think you are raising a psychotic.

[Monkee]

I'm waiting for the day I come to this site and there's just a ransom post.

People in the computer,
I have the mommy. If you ever want to see her again, send cookies. I love the mommy...(whispering) but the cookies are my master.

Henry

[teresa]

Geez, what kind of bedtime stories are you reading this kid that he knows the word "behold?" Soon he'll be complaining that you "flabbergast" and "confound" him. (After he threatens to asphyxiate you, of course.)

[slouching mom]

I love 'behold'. After all, behold brings good tidings of great joy.

Yesterday Ben told Jack that 'under no circumstances' would he help Jack with his computer game.

And Jack looked accusingly at Ben and said, "Circumstances is NOT a word."

Oh, and Karyn? Your Clare is a riot. I'd love to borrow her for a couple of days. There's not enough (read: no) girl drama at my house.

[Meg]

I think that's a Siouxsie and the Banshees song.

[Liesel Elliott]

I love Henry!

When Daniel was younger he would scream whenever something broke and so we would tell him not to worry we would just "get a new one". (I know, nothing like teaching your kid about disposable consumerism - but he could really scream) So "get a new one" became a mantra of his. And then one day I told him that he couldn't do something or other and he stood there with his hands on his hips and yelled at me "Get a new one!" "Wha?" I said.
Which he clarified by saying, "Get a new MOM!"

Now at 6 he just tells me that "You're the best mom a kid could ever have" alternating with "Count to FIVE mom! You need to deal with your anger issues!"

[Vikki]

Last weekend, my son (5) announced to a roomful of family members (in the Bible Belt, no less), "I do not believe in God. Don't worry though...I'll still love you even if you do believe in God".

[Chookooloonks]

Behold, indeed!

[Amy]

It's so encouraging to be loved that much... but so Suffocating? at the same time. I could only handle so much of "Oh mommy I love you SO MUCH!" and constant hugging from my SEVEN year old before I a) thought she had done something very, very wrong b)thought that maybe I had done something very, very wrong or c)my head was going to explode if she touched me again in the next five minutes.

[brandy]

Henry is a hoot!
This reminded me of the time my nephew while eating a hot dog suddenly stood up on his chair and shouted "My weiner is the most magnificent weiner ever!" and as he sat back down he whispered "but i do not like this juice." His mom and I shook with laughter, we both had to get up and run outside to howl until we cried.
He did that a lot at that age, that LOUD declaration of loving followed by the whisper of hate.
I think that is how I will do things from now on!

[candace]

It *can* be quite suffocating, the constant love. My nearly seven-year-old daughter seems to lately need to be hanging off of me for most of her day. It's becoming rather annoying. The other day I was in the shower and upon drying off I noticed a folded piece of paper. It was a love note from Sophie. She's stalking me in the shower now.

I suppose we should be grateful for this time now because when they're teenagers? I really dread that time.

[raine]

oh wow.

i thought the 'i said it to MYSELF!' thing was just my almost-five-year-old. he says something he knows he's not supposed to, "poopy-head!" I say, "we don't say those words," and he hollers, "i was saying it TO MYSELF!" because you know, that's makes it all ok.

[ozma]

There's probably some adaptive component here. "I am annoying the hell out of you but I love you. Please don't kill me." Kids who failed to do the 'I love you' thiing were less likely to survive those long cave-bound ice age winters.

[Samantha Jo Campen]

How come when *I* act like that, my husband doesn't find it quite as cute?

Henry, what am I doing wrong?!?!?

[Rhonda]

"I said it to *myself!*" was a popular refrain around here for a while too. Because it's apparently fine to stick out your tongue in the most insolent manner, facing Mom who just told you to clear the table, as long as it wasn't actually intended as an editorial rebuttal.

Oh, and my daughter regularly tells me that I am "the BEST person in the world!" Lovely sentiment, but I know better than to take it seriously because I can slip to "WORST person" if I don't watch my step. Apparently Idi Amin and Hitler were reviled because they told kids to do their homework.

(I love the Clare mail.)

[Starshine]

That is hilarious! What a rollercoaster ride of conditional love! ;)

[Melanie]

Man, that kid reminds me of my kid. Psycho love. Every day I go from "best mom" to "worst mom" in an eyeblink. Today was "I hate you and I hate everyone in the whole world." followed by adoring snuggliness. Four and a half is a little bipolar, methinks.

[falwyn]

The jokes! Yes, it is the time of jokes for my 4.5 year old. "I was just kidding, Mom." Mostly not in connection with unpleasantries, but no doubt that other shoe, it will be dropping soon.

[elise]

I second the idea of a series starring the characters Bipolar and Emo.

Lots of potential there!

[amanda]

He is magnificent! I found myself playing the role of punching bag to a frenetic 1-2, 1-2, 1-1-,2-2-, "Mama hold you!" and "Mama! Don't touch me!" flurry of 2.5 year old punches.

Nothin' like the emotional whiplash of being needed and harted and needed again in the space of, of, 90 seconds.

[amanda]

He is magnificent! I found myself playing the role of punching bag to a frenetic 1-2, 1-2, 1-1-,2-2-, "Mama hold you!" and "Mama! Don't touch me!" flurry of 2.5 year old punches.

Nothin' like the emotional whiplash of being needed and harted and needed again in the space of, of, 90 seconds.

[Weeze]

I think I've dated your son.

[IrishGoddess]

I've been told in the same instance that I'm hated AND I'm loved "better than Noggin".

[jaleh Teymourian]

I've always said that if half the things coming out of my kid's mouth were uttered by an adult, they'd be frickin' craz-y.

[Mignon]

Dude, I feel for you. Five seems slightly less schizo, but the increase in vocabulary with which to insult is no fun either. If he's all emo at 4 and a half, does that mean the next stage is full-fledged nihilism?

[emjaybee]

I gotta say, I don't remember reading ANY of this in the Sears books. But now that I think about it, my toddler does a lot of "mamamamama!" in a sweet love voice, followed by angry wailing. And his loving hugs often end with biting, but I hope that's just teething.

[Katie]

And what's with the slicing off of body parts? Over winter break, I was watching television quietly with my four year old niece when she turned to me and asked if she could slice my cheeks off. I looked at her and slowly said, "Noooo." She then asked, "What about your nose?" Again, I said no. And then, as if offering me something to really mull over, she promised that "it will hurt real bad." I said no, one more time, as I moved away from her on the couch. We then resumed watching television.

[TheLuckyGal]

It is creepy just how in synch yours and my four-and-a-half-year-olds are. And I stress the "and-a-half" because the stalk-y kinda love is happening here too. Mine turned four just as Henry did and I actually borrowed your post to try to explain "four" to those who hadn't yet experienced it yet as I was in the throes. Zoe uses the "I was just saying it to myself silly!" line all the freakin time! Tonight in the car she was "singing too loud" to herself. And the borderline creepy but still sweet proclimations? Tonights I got: "I just love you so much ... Can we die together?" She sounds like Air Supply or Journey ...

[OMSH]

Yep, he's 4.

[Kelly]

I am just loving your posts about Henry now that he's 4 1/2. Ethan was also so VERY loving (most of the time...they change their mind on a dime no?) during 4 -- I was actually fearing 5. It's mostly the same but with more outbursts of YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND anytime he doesn't get his way. But still lots of adoration thrown in. He is SO good for my ego!

[crazyjane]

get used to it. my almost 8yr old is still like that. he regularly informs me that, while he knows he can't marry me (because i'm already married to daddy), when ho does get married they are going to live in his current bedroom, because he could never live away from me. and he regulary tells me how he hates me. in fact, last december when i put his toy dinosaur in time out (for spitting chewed up carrots all over my car) he had such a fit of rage that after screaming how much he hates me for literally 40 minutes he decided that "when i go see santa i'm going to tell him that I WANT YOU DEAD FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!". sweet, huh?

[AuthorMomDogNut]

I have one of those too... Hope she never changes. At least on the "I'll love you even after I die" part.

[Meghan]

Your Henry makes me laugh out loud at work on a regular basis.

Oh man, that child is funny.

[Susie]

Yeah- imagine 20 nutty 4 years olds in one room with their swinging emotions and I guess that is why teachers need breaks.