Adjusting to the suburbs, slowly but surely.

I was walking Charlie the other day when I heard a knocking—a tapping, as if someone gently rapping. Across the street I saw a large man knocking, knocking at me through his storm door. I kept looking, and noticed that he was the same color… all over. A large beige naked man was tapping a hearty hello at me through his door. Oh, excellent, I thought, I've found the neighborhood pervert.

The next week it happened again. I crossed the street so I wouldn't get an eyeful of strange genitalia, and as I walked I heard the rap-rap-a-rip-rap, but I kept my eyes straight ahead, my stride purposeful. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him practically leaping into the door. Probably he was a deranged man-child harnessed to the radiator. I felt a little sorry for him, but I wasn't going to give him the thrill of my gaze, no way.

Today, again, walking Charlie: I forgot about Crazy Naked Person and was walking on the same side of the street as his house. Just as I approached it and heard the familiar bang-bang-come-see-my-scrotum-bang, a car pulled up to the house and a man leapt out. I expected him to say, "Sorry for my third cousin Newt! He has this clothing allergy and he really just means to make friends!"

Instead, though, he smiled at me and said, "My dog really wants to say hello!"

His dog.

I looked more closely, and there was an enormous, yellowish, shorthaired, meaty dog throwing itself against the door. I noticed the slobber all over the door. The giant pink tongue. Huh. Heh. Hrm.

I predict that in ten years, I'll see a man with his pants down in the subway and I'll say, "That chihuahua on your lap sure looks feisty!"

P.S.: there's new stuff today over at AlphaMom.

Comments

[Michelle]

LMAO!

Um, does this mean it's time for you to consider glasses?

[Sue]

Love it!

[Big Mama]

You can't be too friendly with those chihuahuas on the subway, it could turn ugly in a heartbeat.

[candace]

That's freaking hilarious. Nevermore, indeed.

[Brandy]

Seriously, that's one of the funniest things I've heard in a LONG time. Glad to hear it was a dog though and not the neighborhood pervert. :-)

[Leslie]

It sounds like your eye drops cause more than taste perversions.

[SparklieSunShine]

Oh God! That is freaking hilarious!!! Thank you, I really needed to read something like that today. The last part about you in 10 years is my favorite part. Bahahaha!

[Samantha Jo Campen]

That's it. From now on I'm always calling "It" a Chihuahua.

[Taylor]

Thank GOD! I was horrified at the that you were having to deal with large, naked neighbor on a regular basis! Somehow, large, naked dog doesn't seem nearly as bad.

[Tricia]

Okay, you need to go back to that eye doctor. Ay?

[slouching mom]

Oh, Alice, this is so like me! I was raised (in NYC) to be suspicious above all else. When I first moved to a small town, I obsessively locked all the doors, all the time, much to my husband's dismay when he was locked out more than once.

Two small town stories that opened my eyes wide to my new life: the mailman knocking on our front door on a Sunday evening to give me a birthday package for my son Ben, whose birthday had been the day before. He said, "I hope I haven't ruined your son's birthday by not remembering to give you this yesterday." He was actually weepy!

The other happened in the supermarket, where Ben ran into a police officer during his love-of-all-men-in-uniform phase. The officer was very tolerant of Ben's questions. Two hours later, we were eating dinner at home when a police cruiser pulled up in our driveway. Neighbors came out to watch, drawn like moths to a flame at the potential for excitement. But no, the officer had come by to give Ben a "badge" of his own, his police officer stats. card, and a hat.

Oh, my.

This post gets an A+ for funny. How you make me laugh!

[OMSH]

I live in a smallish town (okay, so it is growing, but it still feels smallish) and I love being "remembered" wherever we go. The kids get extra "this" and "that" and smiles ... so many smiles.

But this is so stinkin' funny. I had to go back and read...I was confused. Large naked man dog? huh? But now, I get it. I'm slowing down having moved to a smallish town.

[Jessica]

Oh my. You almost owed me a new keyboard! Not really, because I should know better than to actually take a drink of something while reading one of your posts.

Glad to hear it was a big, naked, creepy....dog.

[the new girl]

Strange genitalia, indeed.

Who says you can't find blog fodder in the 'burbs?!

[El]

For some reason the first paragraph read to me like Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" (all that rapping and tapping on the porch screen door. Quoth the doggie "I'll hump you more"?).

I need sleep.

[LetterB]

Lady, that's no Chihuahua, that's my Chinese Crested.

[liz]

Oh, this made me laugh out loud.

[alice]

El, I was doing that on purpose!--AND you came up with a much better title than the one I used. Next time I'm emailing you first.

LB: Chinese Crested! Bwa ha!

[krystyn]

Hey, for what it's worth I'd probably look away and cross the street even if I realized it wasn't a man. I can't imagine doggie privates smooshed against a window are that attractive either. ;)

[Katrina Stonoff]

Delurking to laugh heartily! But the best line is the last one, about the chihuaha.

[not THE alice]

Just don't offer to *pet* the feisty chihuahua, whatever you do.

[Melanie]

You could chalk that up to that eye infection thing. Maybe it's not 100% gone. Or maybe you're just pervy-minded.

[fairly odd mother]

Please tell me you didn't complain to all your neighbors about this guy? Cuz, it'd suck to have to them tell them what you really saw.

[Noelle]

One of the things I miss the most about New York City is that I could see someone else's kitchen from my kitchen window. I called the guy "naked kitchen guy" because he had the audacity to not buy some drapes and cover up his underclad self. Not that I had curtains, mind you, but I was there first.

Not enough nudity in the suburbs. Especially in early March.

[Mauigirl52]

LOL!!! I'll have to keep my eye out for the naked dog! (I was really starting to get very concerned about the neighborhood!)

[maile]

this is hysterical! i was laughing out loud!

[LOD]

Please don't take this personally, but I'm never getting in a car with you again.

[shy me]

hilarious!

[Sarah]

I don't think I'll be able to look a, uh, dog, straight in the face again.

[Marcheline]

HArhahahaharrhaharrgggghhhhahahahhaaaaa!

[dutch from sweet juniper]

"Probably he was a deranged man-child harnessed to the radiator"

awwww, I hope you gave at least some thought to tossing him a baby ruth?

[stepblog]

Wait a minute, are you telling me this man's dog was naked?? Pervert!

[Anita]

Oh my lord. That is SO FUNNY!

I had to read it twice to get it...cuz i'm kind of slow that way....but it's hysterical!!!

[Jemima]

Sweet Cracker Sandwich! I've been flashed so many times since moving to SF, I refuse to look too. But that's the funniest anti-perv story ever.

[cce]

Will you ever walk that way again? I mean admit it, there must have been some strange and horrifying allure to the whole naked man chained to radiator possibility. Now that it's just a hairless dog, those walks are gonna seem, well, ordinary. And god knows there's enough ordinary in burbs already.
Happy Trails, may you find yourself a perverted cat,
cce from www.madmarriage.com

[Heather]

OMG... I just thought to check your site after looking up the sex offender registry to check a neighborhood we may be moving into. I almost didn't finish reading it because I was so disgusted after seeing a few of our potential "neighbors" near this too-good-to-be-true home. Glad I did read the rest, though. LOL

Good times.

And by the way - we're not moving into that house. More REAL pervs than man-dog pervs is not okay. :-(

[stephanie spencer]

So I'm a little behind reading your stuff but this was priceless - just what I needed after my week of nothing worthy to say in my own blog.

I will keep this in mind should I ever think I see a naked man in my neighborhood.

I'm laughing so hard I might barf (that is my 2nd favorite of your posts, I think).