This one's for you, Sarah Brown.

First of all, I've been interviewed by this nice gentleman. I sound like an ass. But it was fun to do. Enjoy.

And now!

It was Miss Sarah Brown who first introduced me (and much of the Internets) to the concept of Bershon. Here she is, describing it with her usual excellence:

"The spirit of bershon is pretty much how you feel when you’re 13 and your parents make you wear a Christmas sweatshirt and then pose for a family picture, and you could not possibly summon one more ounce of disgust, but you’re also way too cool to really even DEAL with it, so you just make this face like you smelled something bad and sort of roll your eyes and seethe in a put-out manner."

When I read this my mind rocketed back to the eighties, when I was so consumed with distaste for everything and everyone I was forced to live with or near that I could not wipe that look off my face, no matter how I tried. I think I even slept with it on. My parents would tiptoe into my room, thinking, sure, she's a raging harpy when she's awake, but maybe we can love her again if we get a glimpse of her angelic sleeping baby cutie face and they'd peer at me in the darkness and run from the room, hissing oh dear God she's still doing it!

Without further ado, if you have the stomach for it: The Bershon Queen of Locust Valley High School.

Ugh, gack, are you, like, taking a picture of me? Can't you see I'm writing? And trying not to notice that I'm at like a picnic or whatever? GOD.

Here I am forced to consume cake:

Fine, cake, sure, but the hat is so super-lame it's not even funny. Am I wearing the same oversized white shirt here? I think I am. God, I'm a dork. And so are all of you. I HATE THIS FAMILY.

The Bershon started young, for me:

Fine, I'm sitting, I got the barrette in my hair. Are you HAPPY? Will you just take the picture, already? I have to go dream of the eighties, when I'll wear oversized white shirts.

Bershon seems to run in the family. Here I am with my sister Liz:

I totally look older and cool like my cool big sister, because I'm making this face. See? I am so freaking sophisticated. But why am I dressed like I'm in Little House on the Prairie?

And my brother James:

"I have no teeth. I can't Bershon it up when I'm lacking teeth."

"God, she's a dork. Why am I sitting on her lap? GOD."

Comments

[jon deal]

Oh good. I had asked you for a picture for the interview. Any of these will do nicely, I think.

And you DO NOT sound like an ass.

[Sonja]

Delicious bershon-ness. My favorite is the party hat/cake eating one. It doesn't get more bershon than that!

[erika]

These are perfection. I love the cake/party one, too.

[Birchsprite]

you are a funny lady....even the bershon pics are funny in their over the top bershoness!

[Rebecca.]

Hilarious. Great post!

[slouching mom]

Loooooooooove these. If you had any more black eyeliner on, you wouldn't even be able to open your eyes.

Were you aiming for the Molly-Ringwald-Sixteen-Candles look?

Cuz you succeeded.

[3 to get ready]

Maybe you just need a little more eyeliner in the picnic one. GOD.

(Then you'd look more like me in 1983.)

[cce]

My own children are trying the Bershon on me already, this from a seven year old? Looks like you turned out okay so I'm less worried now!

[Sarah]

You should wear that hat to Blogher. It's classy.

[motherbumper]

Good lord - we had the same hair and big baggy white shirt. Did they issue those at the Sourpuss academy?

[SparklieSunShine]

I just looked up Bershon on wikipedia and it doesn't even have a page there yet. I was half tempted to create on in honor, but I don't think I'm cool enough.

Those pictures are fantastic.

[candace]

Oh, God. My daughter's been doing the Bershon thing since she was 18 months old. I'm in for it, aren't I?

[Sarah Brown]

Book cover, right there. #2. This is a beautiful day.

[Kookaloomoo]

HAAAAAAA! You said "jeezum crow"! I haven't heard that expression since I moved (okay, ran screaming) from Middle-Of-Nowhere, New Hampshire.

[GraceD]

I've been meditating on the Bershon concept for a little bit and I've hit on why it's not exactly har-har funny to me. (I mean, it IS funny, and I was Bershon before the word existed. I believe it was called 'sullen' back in the 60s/70s.)

Anyway, the reason I can't snicker at Bershon portraits is because I have a teen daughter.

I think that serves as a sufficient explanation.

[eviered]

You look just like all my friends from the 80s! We were all Bershon. But where's your headband, leg warmers and parachute pants? Or ripped sweatshirt a la Flashdance?

[karen]

First picture? The female version of the John Cusak character in Sixteen Candles. Totally. Put some underwear on your head and you're good to go.

I totally have a Bershon photo of myself from college, a black ribbon tied around my HEADfergodsake, wearing a black thrift-store 1960's cocktail dress. OMG was I so awesome.

Love the irony of the birthday hat.

[Nicole]

You look just like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles in that second one. I can't believe I'm the first to say that.

[Lux Lisbon]

Thanks Christ Chimps don't celebrate Christmas, nor wear hideous Christmas sweaters.

[b]

OMG I haven't laughed that hard at a blog in post in...well...never. And I'm at work and supposed to be nose to the grindstone so I'm swallowing the laughter at my desk with tears rolling out of my eyes.

Priceless.

One thing I've noticed about old family photos (my family and others) is that the unflattering ones are usually edited out (read: thrown out). Leftover are the smile-so-hard-it-hurts-arms-around-your-best -friend kind of pictures. So lame. These are much better.

[Katie]

I'm just starting to organize my mother's photo albums and make copies for the siblings. I'll be looking at everything through new eyes....
God help us all!

[Lynne]

Bershon. That explains the expression I wear in all my First Communion photos. The ones I charged my parents to take.

[jenB]

wow, many have been worthy, but you definitely win the crown for most bershon. outstanding.

[Heather]

Hee hee. Loved it.

[Joe]

Beautiful. I mean bershon.

[bon]

i have to go and substitute teach a whole classroom full of adolescents tomorrow, so i thank you from the bottom of my heart for a word to describe what i know will be their weary, just-tolerant reception of my fine self and the wonders of the five-paragraph essay. :)

btw...if it was still 1985, i would have, like, totally liked your hair. and would never have told you, b/c i had this "smelling something bad" look on my face. but i'm coming out now.

[Lisa Milton]

Love the pictures. Thanks for sharing.

[magpie]

Locust Valley? You are so not pink and green. I am awestruck.

[Kyran]

i'm pondering the top photo and wondering if we could have been bff that year, or would our bershon quotient have repelled us like north-south poles of two magnets...

I guess it would depend if you had any cigarettes.

xo

[Samantha Jo Campen]

You TOTALLY have me talking like a valley girl again.

And I just tight-rolled my jeans. Cuz, like, they look so cool it's not even funny.

[Suebob]

And your family kept you? Sort of amazing, huh?

[Deborah]

My daughter and I were in Santa Fe over the weekend on vacation. We were sitting at a table at our favorite restaurant (Pasquals) next to a family with a 13 or 14 year old son. My daughter looked at me and said the word "bershon", I looked over at the kid and the two of us cracked up laughing hysterically. The family was oblivious, thank god. Made my day.

[Anne Prince]

Seeing the picture of you with your sister Liz reminds me of Wensday Addams. Oh, and Laura Ingalls as well!

[andi]

I'm almost 30 and still consumed with distaste. Is this wrong? Lovely, lovely pics Alice!

[Elizabeth]

In that first photo, you have the most pefectly feathered hair. Bershon or not, you're still gorgeous!

[jess]

That was an awesome interview, and i mean awesome in a totally non-bershon way.

You really are the bees knees. I think that rather suits you in your skirts and cardigans.

[braine]

Somewhere Eric Stoltz is turning over in his grave over those first two pictures.

[Deanna]

Hysterical! I have a totally Bershon picture of myself at about 10 years old standing behind the teddy bear cake my grandmother lovingly baked me for my birthday. I look like the most disgusted, chubby little bitch in the world!

[DM]

I am so going to start going through pictures. I was the most bershon teen ever. I loved your pictures. Do you think teens will stop being bershon now that we "old" people think it is so funny?

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

Has Sarah been calling my 4 year old son?????

[leah]

AWEsome!

[victoria]

OK, bershon, yes, but -- CUTE! What a little Molly Ringwald-esque cutie you were.

[missbanshee]

Just exquisitely Bershon. It really brings a tear to the eye.

[Jenn]

Oh. Oh. OH! It really does. Tear to the eye. Total bitter angsty perfection, aged nicely, with a good oaky start.

But the Bershon has disappeared! Where are you hiding it now? You are just dewy and glowy now!

[Beth]

Whoah. So THAT's what I did to my mother. I didn't know it had a name. The mere sight of my mother made my upper lip fly up to my nose, my eyes roll, and my mouth say "Mo-therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." I even had one of those one-side-missing haircuts, so I was particularly lovely.

[schmutzie]

Oh sweet jeebus, I think I just fell in love with you a little bit.

[Melanie]

I love that there's a word for that whole weird emo-y thing, and that all your pictures have that awesome old-school soft focus thing going on.

[Grace D]

Okay Alice, forget what I said above. I gave into the Bershon and celebrated you, Sarah Brown and other Bershon bloggers of note in my latest BlogHer post:

So Mighty, So Deadly, So Bershon

I even threw in a particularly savage Bershon pic of my teenager, but I have a hard time looking at it without wanting to holler, "HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HERE? SMILE, FOR CHRISSAKES!" (Actual quote. It doesn't work.)

[Melissa]

I'm sure I made that expression NUMEROUS times when I was a teenager (also in the 80s).
Now I work at a regional theater, in the costume shop. When schools come to see shows, they often have tours through the oh-so-exciting backstage areas. We will often have an entire group of 20 or so high school kids standing there with this expression on their faces. I often want to ask them if it's "This is so LAME!" or "This is SO lame!!"

[Jackie]

That's very authentically emo. There are 17-year-olds boys all over the country in skinny jeans with hair in their faces trying so desperately to emulate that blase expression you had perfected by five. I get that face a lot when I'm subbing.

Really though, great post.