Aaiiiiiiigh.

Some of you have been asking how we're doing around these parts, concerning my son's ongoing food issues. Well! Let me take a break from tearing my hair out to update you!

The update is, there's no update. The child has made zero progress. The prevailing wisdom (and yes, I have read Ellyn Satter; I want Ellyn Satter to come live at my house) seems to be that we should include at least one item he enjoys as part of our dinner, but the number of foods he enjoys seems to be dwindling daily. (He won't eat bread, people. BREAD.) He now refuses any fruit (INCLUDING BLUEBERRIES OH MY GOD). He wants only pasta. Only the small pastas. Orzo and tiny stars and eensy little elbows. With butter or ricotta. Try adding some sauce—just try!—and my god, you will pay.

Not only is he picky, he also has an enormous appetite, so if there's nothing on the table that he'll countenance, he is not happy with you. The Wisdom of the Eating Sages also dictates maintaining a blithe, devil-may-care attitude toward your child's eating, but that's difficult when he's shouting at you and weeping and it's just the two of you because your husband isn't home yet and hmmm, is that a beer I see in the back of the fridge? Indeed it is!

I feel for him. I think this is enormously frustrating for him as well as us. Lately he's been demanding "something un-yoo-sual" for dinner, but of course this is hilarious because "unusual" terrifies him. He's bored with what he likes but scared to try anything new. So tears and tantrums follow shortly thereafter. I've tried to make dinner pleasant, I've made it crystal clear to him that he doesn't have to try anything, but that he also doesn't get to spend dinner time pointing out how yucky everything at the table is, and not once has he managed this. Just keeping quiet about the yuck factor in his vicinity. Not once. It's amazing how one's shoulder muscles can begin to spasm just thinking about this issue! Huh!

Then the other day he stopped dead in his tracks outside a Japanese restaurant, inhaled, and said, "It smells incredible in there." I wanted to drag him inside and pour miso soup down his gullet.

We've limited dessert to one night a week, with the occasional exception, because every dinner was becoming all about dessert. Now every night it's a fight over whether this is a dessert night, or not. His newest line is "I've decided this is a dessert night because I'm the boss, and I get to say when it's dessert night." This is an interesting line, this "I'm the boss" thing, because it has never worked, not once, not ever, and yet he continues to use it about, well, everything. I AM NOT LIKING HIM SO MUCH THESE DAYS.

And look, I know. I KNOW. I know there are worse things we could be going through. He sleeps well. He is a delight in many ways. He's healthy and weighs enough and the pediatrician is unconcerned. But you asked! And this is what's going on. The End.

EDITED TO ADD: Me again! Hi! Listen, please don't confuse what I'm feeling about this issue with what I'm doing. As far as Henry knows, I am the the epitome of nonchalance when it comes to his massive refusal of every food item except tiny teensy pastas. We only address the behavioral issues surrounding dinnertime. We have read everything there is to read. And as for "Maybe he'll like..."--thank you. But no. I mean, probably yes, if he'd deign to put it in his mouth. But he won't! And in this way I am driven bonkers. But all inside, in a quiet way, ssssh. He's not affected by it. Okay?

Comments

[Maria]

I feel your pain. Every time I serve pasta, in any form other than mac-n-cheese, my 3 yr old complains about the "bad meal." I love the sound of gagging while I eat spaghetti. Or maybe not so much. Oddly enough, he'll eat just about anything at daycare, from brussels sprouts to goat cheese. He'll also try something if he helps me cook it, so we make a lot of meals that involve stirring and counting (ie, recipes from Mollie Katzen's kids cookbooks). Good luck!

[Kristine]

I have a picky eater too, and much of what you say sounds very familiar (although I'm lucky enough to occasionally hear "This is the best dinner ever!", which is usually about 2 bites before she decides she doesn't actually like it.) I've pretty much given up trying to introduce new stuff. By which I mean vegetables. And I've recently considered giving her dessert first, so that the whole meal isn't focused on how many bites she has to eat before she's allowed dessert.

I haven't been paying enough attention, but is your son about 5? My daughter has recently decided that she's the boss, or at least the co-boss. She also presents me with a lot of "deals" and "ideas" and "ultimatums".

[RLJ]

have you tried more daycare? I'm not kidding, but loads of kids are picky as hell at home but at daycare eat up and shut up. I think it's to do with the fact that their daycarer doesn't really give a damn whether they eat or not so it doesn't become a battle of the will. Because he knows how much you care (no matter how hard to try to hide it), he can use food to control you - but it won't work with someone who doesn't care so much.
How is he for dad?

Sorry if this is totally unhelpful (my LO is nearly two and eats everything apart from maybe olives - our time will come, I am sure, and I will have bald spots from where I have pulled out my own hair).

[merseydotes]

This too shall pass? That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger?

...no, I think you were right with the beer.

[alice]

RLJ, he doesn't try anything at school, either. The peer pressure thing seems to not work for him at all. He'll spend the day declaring, "You all like pizza, BUT I DON'T."

And yes, Kristine, he's nearing five. The Year of the Boss, apparently.

[Bertha]

My baby is only 3 months old so I haven't encountered this picky eating situation yet (which is impossible for someone like to me understand since I will eat anything you put in front of me) but I am now kind of terrified...it sounds very stressful!

[Beth]

I know this may not work for you, given how much difficulty you've had so far and how you seem to be trying not to force him to eat, but! Whenever there was something I did not want to eat as a child (green beans, asparagus, whatever), my parents told me I had to eat as many bites as I was old. So, five bites when I was five, six when I was six, etc. It's a number kids can understand, and it means that they eat at least something. By the time they're old enough that the trick doesn't work, they're probably eating willingly anyway.

[Amy B.]

five kids. five picky kids. I feel your pain. You do have to be willing to let them go hungry. Let them go hungry with a nonchalance that throws them into shock. you don't want to eat? oh darn. This spagetti with sauce is so good. bye.

it takes time. it really does. My five year old eats pizza now and my seven year old will eat carrots if I let him drown them in ranch dressing. ah, the progress.

good luck.

[silvermine]

I have a picky eater too, and he LOVES japanese food. (Well, he and his dad are japanophiles).

We had miso soup (he actually dances around singing about sea weed and tofu. It's so bizarre!) and soba noodles for lunch yesterday.

[Daria]

Does he like pancakes? How about crepes? How aboult Russian blini with a meat/cabbage/potato/whatever the hell you want stuffing? If he likes pancakes you can just tell him that is what they are just on a diet or something. My boy is 2 and he is very picky but does eat when very hungry. Suprisingly he only eats oatmeal if my mother cooks it for him. I forgot what I was saying. Going to go drink coffee now untill I remember if I had a point.
Love
me

[Mir]

Alice, take a deep breath as you commit all of this to memory. His future spouse will enjoy these stories immensely.

After years of the food wars I just made peace with my "eat it or don't, but there's no need to rude" mantra and moved on. Once I honest and for true stopped caring about it (because, yes; growing? happy? okay then), he stopped being such a little shit. He's still picky, but he uses his manners and occasionally tries new things. I choose to call this victory.

[ephelba]

Oh honey... sometimes it's hard, and I'd give you a hug if I could.

[Nancy King]

My picky eater is now 14..

Pizza
Strawberries
Guacamole
Apples
Most Bread Products
Milk
Dessert
Chips

He always says we have nothing in the house to eat yet, it's pretty easy to keep his selection on hand. I remind him if he'd take our advice and try some new things, it would get better.

When he was 18 months old I received a call at work after three weeks in daycare... I was panicked at first until the center director said " he ate mandarin oranges!" We stocked up on canned mandarin oranges.

So, yeah, we've never made food an issue.... I'm hopefully he'll change one of these days.

[Jenn]

I feel you, lady. My two year old eats hard-boiled eggs (and no other kind of eggs or there will be hell to pay) and grapes. That's about it. I figured there's protein and other...*stuff*...in the eggs. And grapes have fibre (right?), so I guess she's set. If nothing else, she will make a fabulous cheap picnic date for some lucky guy in the future.

[Noelle]

Well, it's a good thing that he doesn't eat bread, because of this new study that Bread is Dangerous. I saw it on Kottke, so it must be true.

[Laura]

This will pass, my boy who loved off mac & cheese & goldfish for a year and a half of his young life, is now six and eats ASPARAGUS & SPINACH!!

[choice]

Since you got so much advise on this issue last time, I'm sure you're adviced out. Regardless of where this advice does work, it's not working in your house with your kid. Frustrating is not a strong enough word for it. I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's not getting better, and even more sorry that it's getting worse.

[mpj]

I feel your pain and then some. Food is such a touchy issue -- and Mom is always the one who takes the blame for not being tough enough when kids won't eat. There really are some kids who won't eat, even when they are hungry -- I know, I have one. And his eating is the focus of an unbelievable amount of our time and energy.

My son is on the autism spectrum, so his issues go beyond picky. He won't eat at school or new places, he rarely eats for babysitters, he only eats three things, ever -- always prepared the same way, in the same bowl with the same utensils. Ellyn Satter is welcome to visit our house -- when we pick what he eats, the amount he choses to eat is nothing, absolutely nothing, for days.

I got some good tips from a book called "Just Take a Bite" by Lori Ernsperger and we also get help from an OT.

Of course, most kids do grow out of it -- I did!

[Jennifer]

A year ago I wouldn't have gotten this at all, after all, my kids are 12 and 13 and will eat seafood, green veggies, sushi, etc. But recently my 13 year old has decided he doesn't like: seafood, chicken, pasta, any veggies (not even corn on the cob, oh! the sacriledge!), or fruit other than strawberries. Ugh. His current diet seems to consist of cereal and baked potatoes with hot sauce (yuck). So I'm totally with you on the frustration factor. Trying not to make a big deal about it, hoping it's only a phase, but worrying he will be one of those-gasp!-picky adults. (Hmm... now that I think about it, maybe this is his teenage rebellion? That wouldn't be so bad)
Jennifer

[Em]

Feel the Zen of Ellyn. You must. Let it go. Your ONLY responsibility is to offer them good food and do it regularly.

My 2 are horribly picky (they are 11 and 7 now) and once I let go, everyone felt much better. I cook, I serve, we have a nice family chat; if they don't eat it it's their issue at this point.

BTW they are healthy, generally happy and within good weight.

Hang in there! I feel your pain.

[slouching mom]

When I read this, I had to keep reminding myself that I had not written it about my nine-year-old son. The trying a few bites advice? With my son Ben leads to gagging and once in a while throwing up. So, so pleasant. And he will go hungry rather than eat something unpalatable. We have watched as he has refused food for longer than we thought possible. He cries (still!) if dinner does not include something he likes; and this is not staged or fake crying, oh no. But what he likes are maybe three or four items, and their specificity is daunting. For a while he liked spaghetti with "Ragu, only, Mom, because it's the only sauce without any stuff in it," but of late has declared that spaghetti is disgusting.

Sigh. He's still growing. Sort of. 60 pounds at nine? I don't love it.

Did I mention that I feel your pain?

[S-Way]

He won't eat blueberries anymore? That fuckin' sucks. At least he's healthy. It sounds like he WANTS to want to eat new stuff, with the smelling of the Japanese restaurant and whatnot. But his heart won't let his head do what his nose is telling him to taste.

It's tragic.

[Heather]

Oh you poor, poor woman. I am one of the most picky people I know so I feel for your son but I also feel for you. Hopefully he will outgrow this stage soon and hopefully my son will learn to eat like my husband and not like me!! :-)

[Tiffany]

Gah. He sounds like my ex-boyfriend, who is 27. I could never find anything for him to eat because it was all disgusting.

[madge]

Bummer. I thought you and Four-And-A-Half really had something special going.

I see this in my future. So, so clearly.

[Jan]

I say make him whatever he'll eat and call it a day. Kids will eat when they're ready. It's US who make it a big deal. My son is 6 and has been allowed to eat his dessert first if he wants. He can have candy whenever he wants. As a result, sometimes he forgets about dessert and often gives candy away because he doesn't want it. I never make him take "one more bite" and I serve only what he likes. Works for us!

[jen]

My Holden eats absolutely nothing as well. So, you know what I do? Make him whatever he wants, within reason...I mean, I dont give him dessert for dinner. But he doesnt GET dessert if he doesnt eat his dinner.
If he wants pasta with butter for three weeks in a row? Thats what I give him. I make a seperate dinner for my husband and I.
And, I dont care who thinks what about that. Works for me, and I like to be happy.
My son has always been in daycare and now After Care. We have always packed his lunch. His lunch has always consisted of a Peanut Butter (NO jelly)sandwhich, cinnamon applesause, chocolate milk and one chocolate chip cookie. He's seven now. Thats what he's had for lunch since he was two. Everyday of his life.
Surprisingly enough, he has grown, and he is still alive!

[Marisa]

I don't have kids of my own (only a stepdaughter, who I get no say in raising, of course)... but my brother was as picky as they come. The rule in my house was one bite of each dish. If you didn't like it, that's fine, but you didn't get anything else, either. (We always had fruit for dessert so there was no problem with eating a bite of everything and then three plates of dessert, heh) This meant that if we had broccoli every night of the week as our vegetable, my brother had to eat one bite of broccoli each night.

One thing that my mom just told me really worked for me, is that she read me an article from some magazine (I was about 2 at the time, I think) about how intelligent people are willing to try (and like) all different kinds of food. That was all I needed to hear, although I was never super picky to begin with.

Best of luck!

[Marisa]

Oh and I meant to say... the pediatrician always told my mom, "he'll eat when he's hungry. his little body won't let him starve!"

Although that is very little consolation when you are torturing your kid with broccoli and carrots!

[tami]

What helped us enormously was making friends with a few families that had the same rules about behaviour at the table. We'd all eat dinner and the focus was on "polite conversation" and the table manners. At least one bite of each thing had to be tasted, and no negative commentary was brooked. Of course, this is much easier when you have just the a lot of people at a meal,not just mom and kid(s). It gave the kids the idea and the pattern for meals that are pleasant, and it was a huge help to me.

My kids are slightly less picky, but can be relied upon to participate in dinner table conversation and save the commentary for the ride home, which is a palatable compromise for me.

[Mignon]

I have no suggestions, but please don't visit Montana. I'm scared what he's got is catching, and my 5-yr-old is heading down the Seinfeld-of-food path as well.

[Donna]

My goodness, I wish you'd just quit. Quit trying to negotiate with him, quit cooking small pasta for him, quit quit quit! Cook a regular meal, put some of it on his plate, tell him if he doesn't want it you'll give it to the cat (or the dog or the disposal, whatever), give him a minute or two to decide if he wants it -- and if he doesn't, remove the plate AND Henry from the table, dispose of his food, and finish your meal, cheerfully and quietly. Don't discuss that meal again, don't allow him in the room while you finish eating, and don't acknowledge that he is PISSED!

He will scream and screech and wail and let you know that you are most certainly making "the boss" unhappy, and in a very short time he will (a) decide to eat his meals and (b) quit the boss crap.

[liz]

Do whatever stresses you out the least. Or, maybe, try telling him that he can't have anything but pasta with butter for dinner. Ever. If nothing else, it reduces the stress for you. That and beer. And wine. And xanax!

You might try just making dessert night the same night every week. It's always Tuesday or Friday or whatever works with your schedule. Then you can tell him, "Sorry, not Friday, no dessert."

My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was almost three. Everyone was full of stupid advice about "crying it out" etc. but for whatever reason, she wasn't having it. All she wanted was a quick hug and some reassurance - no food, no diaper change/potty (oh yeah, potty-trained before sleeping through the night), nothing but some love. 15 minutes later I was back in bed. So, we decided to hell with the advice we got with the lowest possible amount of stress.

[Jennie]

I realize that part or all of this could be laughable, depending on Henry's interests, but I thought I would suggest having him help you cook the dinner. You could give the ingredients pretend Star War names...make "unusual" delicacies from other galaxies, etc. Also, now that you have become a gardener, how about having Henry help you plant some veggies that he can help take care of. Sometimes when kids have an investment in the production of their food, they're more likely to give them a try. But maybe not. Good luck.

[raine]

you've probably already thought of this -- but use dessert as leverage? my kids don't get dessert unless they have X number of bites. X is usually 3, unless I see that it really will take a herculean effort to just take one, and then it's just one.

a short story on this subject that will probably just make you scream.. or maybe make you realize it won't last forever?

[alice]

Donna, I DID quit. I make whatever I want. But it's still upsetting that he hasn't tried anything new in all these months, and pitches a fit at almost every dinner.

[kelli]

Dear Alice,
Looks like someone else made a game of it:
http://greatbigvegchallenge.blogspot.com/

[Lisa]

My brother was a very picky eater. He would not eat anything, ever! Mushrooms, onions, butter, spice, sauce, nothing!
When he was about 7, we spent the night at one of my mom's friend's, and she made soup. My brother ate his whole bowl and remarked how incredibly delicious it was. I couldn't believe he'd eaten it at all, because I knew what it was. She told him that it was "ox-tail soup", a common enough soup that my mother had never thought she could ever get by him.
As soon as he heard those words, and with NO consideration for how good it was, he RAN to the bathroom to throw up.
Today, he is a borderline gourmet cook! I beg him to cook for me whenever he is at my house because the way that he can throw random jars from my fridge into an incredible sauce is amazing.
I stare at the mushroom, butter, saucy concoctions that come out of the kitchen and am in utter disbelief that such a picky eater could turn into such an incredible cook.

[OMSH]

My kids eat everything. I'm not saying that to rub it in your face, but because I had NOTHING to do with it. They came out eating everything.

My friend does the SAME THING I do and her two boys refuse to eat ANYTHING but chicken nuggets and granola bars - but only the chewy kind from Quaker.

Our approach is/was the same. Here's dinner ... this is what you get.

It worked for mine - hers held out until she thought she'd starve them and then she gave in.

I honestly don't think it is a parent thing you do or don't do.

I think it is a child thing.
Can't force another human to eat against their will.

I'm sorry - I KNOW from watching my friend how frustrating this is. I hope he starts adding in un-yoooooo-sual foods soon. Or, y'know, regular ones.

(hugs)

[Sonja]

Thanks for the update! I was very curious about this topic....

[Beth]

It sounds like more of a psychological thing than a physical thing (i.e., it seems like your cutie *can* eat various things but just doesn't want to right now for whatever reason), but in case it's useful at all, I'll mention that my son has turned out to be a little bit allergic to certain foods (eggs, for instance, made his tongue and throat itch) that I've made him try. For now I'm just letting him cruise with the foods he's used to, and I figure when he gets bored with those, he'll try some new things. It's a little bit of a bummer not being able to share some of my favorites with him, though -- and having to cook two meals at a time! :-/

[Beth]

Oops. Forgot to mention my basic point (oof), which was that I think a lot of kids have an instinct about food that doesn't always make sense to us but which works for them physiologically. *shrug*

[Lucy]

I beg you, please don't turn into one of those mothers whose philosopy is "if he doesn't eat what's on his plate he can starve." So incredibly damaging. I was one of the picky eaters, gagging and literally unable to swallow anything unfamiliar. For me it was because I had big sensory issues but didn't know how to explain that to my parents when I was little. If something didn't "feel" right in my mouth, I just couldn't eat it. Around the age of 12 it got easier and now I can eat pretty much anything put in front of me. :) Give him what he likes to eat. If that's pasta for months, so be it. It will pass.

[daysgoby]

Feeling your pain - my Boy is five too, and knows FREAKING EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

Seriously.

(gnash gnash)

[Jasi]

Ah, yes. I know your struggles well. I will eat three containters of cottage cheese this week, and next week it is the most disgusting item on the planet. Our main meal is " 'tatos hot dogs." Luckily I don't feel at ALL guilty feeding her that day after day. I just keep telling myself, "that's what multivitamins are for" and "I'm sure she'll grow out of it."

So, just know you have comrades in arms out there. ;)

[jo]

All I can say is that my job three days a week is to teach kids to cook (www.createacook.com). I plan the curriculum, I develop the lesson plan and I run the class. I have the older ones, 9 - 11 and 11 -13, but I just want you to know that eventually, amazingly, they do try things.
I have fed ketchup (homemade) to obsessive ketchup haters, durian fruit (look that one up if you have never heard of it) to 20 teenagers, garlic, onions, lamb, you name it.
I don't treat them like they have a kids palate, and they whine and whinge and moan, but eventually...I win.

I promise, this too WILL pass.

[Amanda]

We came up with a trick that worked to make our mealtimes more pleasant. When we told our daughter that she had to try something new we said she could have three bites "with whining" or two bites without. She got to choose, and in the beginning she mostly ate more and whined. But eventually she picked not-whining more and more, and with several things she kind of forgot that she wasn't supposed to like them. It's like the whining was more a habit than an actual response to the food.

Good luck - I can't tell you how much time and energy our family has spent on eating/non-eating/nutrition issues.

[krystyn]

Have you tried smokin' him out? I hear that shizzle gives you wicked munchies. He'll eat anything you put in front of him. Wink.

[dcfullest]

someone (who I can't remember) just did a whole thing on her blog about her kids not eating vegetables and fruit and then she started making bento boxes with them and the food got to be in fun shapes and they would eat them.
probably won't fix the problem, but maybe it will make food more fun for awhile. and maybe, just maybe henry will actually try something.

[Jodi]

Kids always eat stuff at other people's houses that they wouldn't eat at home. Ship him out for a couple of dinners? It's worth a try...you could at least have a peaceful dinner with no "yucks"