Everything and nothing at all.

Well! Where were we?

Two weeks, it turns out, is not enough time. Not when you have your lovely friend at your house and the two of you are amusing yourselves greatly while also enjoying breathtaking productivity. I feel like Eden came here fifteen minutes ago, we sat down to work, and then it was time for her to leave. I'm really resenting the way time hurtles forward like that.

And now it seems I've forgotten how to do everything else, like talk to people, and write a blog post, and find clean pants for my son. (I've long since given up on clean pants for me.)

Topics I considered writing about today but then abandoned:

1. My growing-out hair, which is flying out of the sides of my head in these violent, bizarre hair-wings, and altogether pissing me off;

2. My son, who's being kind of a jerk, but probably it's because my attention has been so divided and who's the jerk, here? I think it's me;

3. The embarrassing condition of my yard, and how I should let the weeds take over, put an old refrigerator side-down out front, and call it a day;

4. Actually, that was it. Maybe what I should make for dinner? Except all my son will eat is ONE GODDAMN THING and he will eat that one thing for his entire life and he's trying to destroy me, I KNOW HE IS—

5. Aren't you glad I didn't talk about the hair, though? It's bad hair, kids. It's not good hair. I have approximately 35 pounds of hair on my head. It's a lot of hair. I want to cut it now. I'm not sure why I decided to grow it out.

6. Isn't hair weird? When you really think about it? Weird filaments sprouting out of your scalp? Why do we put up with it?

7. Apparently I'm blogging about my hair despite my efforts not to.

I wish I could tell you about our book, I really do. All I can say is that it will be filled with laffs. (And when I put the two f's in there, you know I mean business.) And that I have the best writing partner ever.

In my absence, Jenn Mattern has taken up the Wonderland slack. She's covered such topics as PPD (post-partum depression) and PPPS (Pretty Pretty Princess Syndrome). You will be both amused and enlightened by Ms. Mattern. She's a spitfire, that one. Whereas I am a weird old curmudgeon with crazy hair and dirty pants.

And now, I have to run something called "errands." "Run" being the exact wrong word, in my case, because mostly I will be shuffling and muttering to myself and wondering what it is I forgot and then getting home and remembering that the answer is "everything."

Comments

[b]

"Whereas I am a weird old curmudgeon with crazy hair and dirty pants."

HA!

[slouching mom]

Yeah, hair is weird. Kind of like when you say a word over and over to yourself (try 'earth'), and all of a sudden the word sounds completely foreign.

That what happens when you think about hair too much.

[jon deal]

Some us don't have hair to worry about.

*sniff*

I miss having hair.

It used to "swish."

[Lori]

Oh yes, I am familiar with the muttering to myself about what it was I was supposed to get on my errands that I finally found time to do. I usually end up with four things I didn't really need, while the three things I really *did* need remain unpurchased.

[Ruby]

I'm growing out my hair, too. Ugh. Spring time humidity is wreaking havoc on my curls and a wig is sounding awfully good right about now.

[fully operational battle station]

You have got to share a picture of the fillaments upon your head. surely it isn't as bad as you say.

The Refrigerator in the front yard thing hit too close to home for me. We had neighbors once who parked their filthy broken down BOAT in their front yard and would then proceed to dress up in their swimsuits and drink beer and smoke ciggys inside of it.

Jamie

[Jenn]

I have dirty hair and crazy pants.

And we have the same refrigerator, except we're still putting food inside it.

We're almost twins.

Jamie, I am so considering getting a broken party boat for the backyard now.

[Barbara]

Easy. Boil pasta.

Strain said pasta over the sink through son's pants (remove from body first).

Toss pasta with butter. Use your hands.

Run buttery hands though hair.

Voila! You have calmed your flyaway hair, washed son's pants and made him something unoffensive to eat, all while standing at the kitchen sink and without dirtying a second spatula.

THAT is how we multitask, yo! Now your whole weekend is free!

(if you really want, I can also tell you how to change your motor oil while filing taxes, but you'll need a lycra jumpsuit and gaffer's tape)

[Brian]

I've said it once before...welcome to 4!! The "I'm-going-to-only-eat-one-thing" thing lasts for awhile. But one day it will get better!! Promise!!

[Melanie]

So basically you're like a crazy homeless person, then? With a redneck yard? You're my idol.

[ozma]

Why does time move forward. Time is out to get us.

I look forward to reading your book. I know the laffs'll be there.

[The Boat People]

Dear Alice,

We've invited you, in person and in letter, numerous times to join us on our party boat in the front yard. We have also welcomed you to partake from the refrigerator full of lukewarm beverages we keep handily next to the party barge.

We have now come to the conclusion that your marked disdain for our boat is not just a sign of inherent snobbiness, but more likely a desperate cry for approval; a gasping, cloying scream of desperate want.

You want to fit in with us, and I say, put the refrigerator out. Grow the weeds. We will look upon you favorably, and we will once again extend a hand of welcome to you.

Sincerely,

Jamie's neighbors

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

I have fine hair but lots of it, so she has to cut tons of it out to make it actually lay the way I want to. So, I can't imagine actually having *35 pounds* of hair. That's a lot. You might invest in a winch.

Can't wait to read the book.

[Brandi]

Those zany boat people have me laffing.

[schmutzie]

This is one of those lame comments where I say very expectable things like "great to have you back" and "can't wait for the book to come out". But I mean them, you know.

[Mauigirl52]

I know what you mean about the hair thing. I recently stopped coloring my hair and grew it out to its natural now greyish brown color. So many times I was tempted to give in and start coloring it during the awkward in between time!

[TSM]

And what's WRONG with a refrigerator in the middle of my weeds? Hmmm???

[Mignon]

I like to think the hair-growing-out-wings sprouting from the side of my head allow me to fly. Just like the pigs coming from my butt.

Here: http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=what+to+do+about+in-between+hair&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

Apparently this Ron King guy is the expert, but I think he's got the pig/butt syndrome problem, as well.

[Lily]

I want to hear about your hair, Alice! I'm growing mine out too...