Transcript of phone conversation from two minutes ago.

"I just wanted you to know! I called the exterminator! There's a thing! In our garage!"

"Why are you out of breath?"

"I'm running in circles! So anyway! This thing must go! The exterminator is coming!"

"Like an insect thing?"

"OH NO NO NO! Like a big fuzzy gray thing! Big! Very big!'

"Can you stop talking in exclamations?"

"No! It's very big! Way up high, in the rafters, where it can drop on me! So I'm never going in there again!"

"Is it like a—"

"Probably a raccoon! Or a possum! Or a mutant raccoon/possum hybrid! I asked him if it was rabid and he laughed at me! I think that means no!"

"Okay, honey? I'm sure it's fine."

"He said it was $185!"

"What's a 185?"

"No, $185!"

"Oh, I thought that was like a code. Like, we got a 185 up here! We got a 324 situation in the garage. Like that! Ha ha!"

(silence.)

"Honey?"

"I never wanted to live here. I hate nature."

"I think it was your decision, actually."

"He's going to set a trap. That means we have to call back when the trap is filled. It's going to be in the trap. I'm never going near the trap. Never never never ever."

"No one said you had to."

"I'm going back outside to get my stuff. If the raccoon eats me, you have to marry again. Henry needs a mom."

"I think I'll marry the raccoon. Then there will always be a little bit of you around."

Comments

[LizPres]

This is tragic, obviously, but also a weensy bit funny. Also, the two conversational notes by you posted on Mighty Girl made me laugh very hard --- 'A two page spread that said, "yes."' Hope all scary nature is soon gone from your yard, leaving only sunshine and easily identified plants.

[Tara]

Nature is beautiful, as long as it's outside my windows.

I had a squirrel get into the house once via the exhaust fan vent over the stove, and. . . well, my reaction was embarrassing for a girl who grew up in the country. Thank goodness the poor thing made it back outside safely before we all had heart attacks (he/she/it was clearly every bit as scared as I was!).

The cats and dogs were entertained, though. And it's really all about them.

[braine]

This is one of those things where he's at work and he hangs up and he's thinking "wait, oh shit, wait, am I supposed to go home?"

Husbands know these situations as 185s, coincidentally. "We've got a 185 on line 2! Propane tank fell off barbecue! Wife handling, husband unsure if supposed to return home."

[Evie]

I went outside one afternoon after putting my twins down for a nap and watched our cat go back inside the door, obviously stalking something. There was a huge HUGE snake coiled up in the middle of the kitchen. Coiled up and hissing with its snake head in the air. Hissing at my cat and in-between me outside and my kids napping inside.

I screamed for hubby right quick on that one. Now that's living rural-like.

[Weeze]

Dear Alice: This is a sign. Come back to Brooklyn. Your former neighbor.

[Mallory]

OMG! What happened to the cat?!?!?! And the twins?!?!

[zan]

Oh I hope it goes away. When I was a younger, a possum got itself stuck in our basement window. It died there, and we discovered it from the smell.

I loved growing up with trees and grass and a hammock and a creek and deer running through our yard, but I will never, ever forget that dead possum smell.

[Dregina]

Now, if you were Donna, you would shoot it, skin it, and cook it up for Henry.

[Jennifer]

When my husband was a boy, a stray cat got up into their ceiling (tropical country = no insulation = easy feline ingress and egress).

The cat took a wrong turn and fell through the ceiling. Into the fish tank.

He also has a possum story, but it's not nearly as amusing.

[SparklieSunShine]

Okay, now that is funny.

[Jenn]

ROTFL!!

[Pixie]

Dare I say it? .....at least it wasn't a bat in the house.

Yet.

[nate]

When my daughter was about 2 weeks old, I was sitting in the l.r. w/ her on a Sunday afternoon, and started noticing some odd scratching noises. Went upstairs (where husband was working) and asked if he was doing anything different--no, just sitting on the chair, working on the computer. Went back down to the first floor--dog was sitting in the kitchen, looking at the wall hiding the chimney, w/ head cocked. Went to basement--cats were sitting on the floor, gazing raptly at the boiler pipe.

So, after determining that it was either a bird or a squirrel, we started calling pest control companies. My husband explained the situation to the first person we reached. Her response? "Wow, I don't know HOW you're going to get him out of there!"

HELLO?!? Isn't that what YOU'RE supposed to be the expert on?

We were finally able to reach some people who knew what they were doing, who ended up setting a trap at the bottom, where it opened up to the former incinerator (gotta love these old houses), and going away for the night. The next morning--slam. One very angry squirrel trapped in a cage in our basement. Two very curious cats, wanting to get into said basement, to explore their new toy.

And...it was a a bit chilly until then, since I didn't want to turn on the heat for fear of roasting the squirrel.

The next day, when the guys came back, they told me they'd release our guest on the other side of town. When I expressed concern that the squirrel would be separated from his family, they looked at me like I was nuts.

Goofball Madison bleeding-heart liberals...

[kelly]

bwahahah!

You've got some sound reasoning here. But expect it to be thwarted by the furry whatever it is...I swear, nature always wins.

[Joe]

Go Rambo, go Rambo, go Rambo

[Stephanie]

What does a raccoon trap look like? A super-sized mouse trap?

[tortoiseshelly]

Hmmm. I wonder if Henry would eat for the raccoon.

[Mauigirl52]

The raccoon is probably the one that used to live in our attic until we had our roof re-done! I hate to say this, but she probably has babies in there too!

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I think the fact that your husband would be willing to marry the raccoon that ate you displays a level of love and romance that you can only find in sci-fi novels written by Disney people. You. Are so. Lucky.

[BOSSY]

Real live wild animals are just so... unpredictable.

[R]

Bwahaha! The last line is the best.

[Nichole]

My in-laws have regular encounters with flying squirrels in their house. The latest one they found was apparently suicidal.

But that isn't my favorite wildlife story. I still laugh when I think about the time my dad found a duck trapped behind the screen in his fireplace.

[Samantha Jo Campen]

That is bloody brilliant.

[OMSH]

This reminds me of when I see a roach in the house. Except the conversation is me yelling from the top of the stove to my children.

They come racing in with shoes and save the day.

I love my children.

I can't handle roaches, and yet, I caught a Copperhead in a minnow bucket using only a broom.

[slouching mom]

A 185. Oh how I love that.

[Melanie]

That is so romantic. It's better than rainbows. Why were you running in circles?

[Donna]

Donna would Not shoot it, would NOT skin it, would NOT cook it for Henry, who would NOT eat it anyway.

Donna would think it might just be a poor lorn possum mama looking for hints to get her willful possumlets to just eat their damned supper!

Although -- Donna did attend a raccoon barbecue once and deemed it interesting. Although -- she has never had any interest in eating another one.

[TitanKT]

Hey neat. Our dogs cornered a possum in the yard the other night. My dad shot it. For free.

BTW, possums? Are really minions of Satan. But racoons are mean and more destructive.

[Jaycee]

One time? At band camp?(OK, it was actually just a vacation in Wisconsin)there were FLYING SQUIRRELS living in our cabin. And when my sister-in-law and I went to complain, they were all, "Oh, yeah. Can't help you. They're endangered. Too bad for you!" And since we had no place else to go (4th of July--booked solid) we stayed!With my 3 year old baby! Needless to say I didn't sleep a wink and still don't know how I survived and why husband was so blase about it. I think I'll go yell at him again. 12 years later, I'm still pissed.

[alice]

You've all made Donna write in the third person! I hope you're proud of yourselves.

[Karen]

When I was 8-1/2 months pregnant and fairly new to Dallas, the exterminator dared utter the words "roof rat" when I called about a strange scratching noise in my attic.

Turns out, it was only a squirrel.

[Krisco]

Way to stick up for yourself Donna! I didn't think you'd cook OR eat the thing.

But I do relate to Alice's reaction. Ew. What if it DID drop down on you! Then there'd be some screaming...

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

All I can say is, this post, and the comments, are the most entertaining things I have read in a long time. Or at least today. Cause there are a lot of funny blogs out there. (But I *did* laugh really loud.)

[Maya]

Ugh. I'd much rather have racoons than possums...as far as I'm concerned possums are just R.O.U.S.'s (rodents of unusual size) - even though I know that they're marsupials. Regardless, the traps are more or less the same - they are a long rectangular mesh box with a spring-loaded door and a step plate.

They go in to eat food (in the back area) and the door closes behind them. No pain, no suffering, unless they are left exposed to the elements. You can even feed/water them for a short time while you're waiting for the animal control to get them.

Do note: They are *extremely* sensitive to human scents, so if you get a trap, handle it with the ends of a couple of sticks of wood that you haven't touched.

As to why I know all this, let's just say we have a very healthy wild population here.

[NotFace]

Not that it's any comfort, but there's a healthy raccoon population here in Park Slope too. It's that bloody park -- it's teeming with a variety of nature.

[merseydotes]

Oh, Alice, I feel your pain. I think you did very well, given the circumstances.

[Jenny]

I kind of love how Donna is such a good sport.

[alb]

i have been reading your blog for a while and you are hilarious. i had to comment because i can really relate to this post. last year a bat flew into our bedroom (while i was asleep, and of course my husband was out of town.) i got my kids up and we had a nice early breakfast(5:30 am) at a local diner and a trip to the park before school/work. i had to wear semi-dirty pants and my husbands flip flops to work, because all of my clothes were trapped in my bedroom with the bat. two of my husband's friends came over and took care of the bat (sorry bat, but if you break the rules and come inside.....) the kids and i stayed at a hotel until my husband was back from his trip. we found a bat man who fixed up the roof to keep the bats out and we haven't seen any in over a year, but the pocket doors in our house are still duct taped shut (the bat man said that was a possible point of entry from the attic???) it still creeps me out! Sometimes nature really sucks! good luck!

[melissa]

Love it! My husband told me he found mice in our garage? Two days AFTER he actually found them because, well, he didn't want me to freak out? Yeah. I haven't been in the garage in a week. It's impacting the laundry around here.

[alice]

Jenny, I know. I think Donna is developing a following. Donna, it's make-your-own-blog time!

[Ren]

We have tree frogs at our house, tree frogs who like to hide on our back door waiting for me to walk outside so they can jump on my head. My husband thought it was hysterical that a little frog could freak me out, but then, when he was hanging the gutter, one jumped out at him and he fell off the ladder... vindication is mine.

Ya'll just leave Donna alone, I tried her advice and, what do you know, it worked! It was a couple of nights of tears, but now, my daughter eats what we eat when we eat it without gagging noises or yucky comments. It's a beautiful new world... Thank you Donna!!

[angel]

oh my word thats hysterical! so what was in the garage?

[jenfromri]

Scary! The worst I've ever had was bringing out the trash to find a possum sleeping in the garbage can - apparently it crawled in and couldn't crawl back out. So that's what the lids are for . . .

[Amber]

Oooh, there was this one time when my mom was moving an old sleeper couch of ours to my grandfather's house. There was a snake inside the couch! They didn't discover it until it was all the way inside my grandfather's house. The scariest part was knowing that it was inside my mom's couch earlier that day when I SAT ON IT. And was probably there for a long time.

[Melissa]

Let's see--gray, fuzzy, garage rafters...yep, definitely an opossum. I grew up in the 'burbs, and possums in the garage were a semi-regular occurrence. Also raccoons in the backyard. They also have trouble with squirrels in the crawlspace, in spite of having blocked every conceivable entrance. But it seems squirrels can pass through solid matter, as well as figure out every bird feeder protective device humankind can devise. Welcome to the suburbs, Alice. The animals are out to get you :)

[Melissa]

Also, check out this episode of This American Life. The second segment is the classic story "Squirrel Cop". If you haven't heard it already, it's the story of what happened when two rookie cops attempt to get a squirrel out of a couple's attic. Mayhem ensues.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=115

[pnuts mama]

oh donna, i think i may have a leetle crush on you now! seriously though, wouldn't donna just have to go in that garage and tell the possum in firm but in no-uncertain-terms that he/she would need to be vacating the premises PRONTO, thank you very much? maybe donna should take a trip over to your garage.

even from suburbish queens i am a bit terrified of wildlife.
once when i was meeting my not-yet-husband at his parents summer campsite upstate, i got there ahead of him i was wandering around the woodsy-like area feeling all fabulous as i enjoyed the nature and the environment and saw a FOX RUN ACROSS THE CAMPSITE AWAY FROM ME. i ran back to my car and locked it and rolled up my windows (this was just before cellphones, people) and cried til my now husband (took what seemed like hours) arrived and couldn't imagine what had happened to me.
we still can't go there (like, 8 years later) and have him not bring it up to me. i'm not sure if he would be willing to marry the fox if it HAD eaten me, which i'm sure it was considering.

[nate]

pnuts mom,
I'd be a lot less afraid of a fox than a squirrel. Or other R.O.U.S.

[Matthew M. F. Miller]

You know what I think are the worst? June bugs - they're like giant locusts, only they're willing to kamikaze you at any moment.

You know what's even scarier, IMHO, - Tom Waits' voice and being reincarnated as a lime tree. Let me know what you think.

Oh yeah, and we used to get sparrows in our house all the time and I'd try to shoot them with a BB gun. Word to the wise: don't try to shoot an indoor sparrow with a BB gun.

[Pete Dunn]

Maybe my friend Steve trains raccoons too.