What? Oh, hi.

I don't know, I just woke up with this crappy headache. I'm going to start each blog post in the middle of a conversation, I hope you don't mind. So I imagine that we've been chatting for a few minutes now and you finally just blurt out, is something wrong or do you hate me? And then I say, etc. Bad headache. As if any headache can be good? I guess the headache that tells you you're alive. Like, you wake up in the hospital, filled with tubes, and your head is pounding, and you're all, I can feel my head! Jubilee! You use "jubilee" as an exclamation, did I mention? If you didn't before, now you do. Come on, try it. It will make you happy! Jubilee!

I have the kind of headache that screams you need coffee, friend, but I've now enjoyed far more coffee than a hothouse flower such as myself should ever enjoy, so I'm trembling and my head is still pounding. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the headache. It's probably allergies. That's my mom's answer to everything. Did I ever tell you about the time I developed severe vertigo? One day I was in my apartment, sorting through the mail—I think this was, oh, six years ago—and WHAM the entire room tipped over, and BOOM I was on the ground, and FLIMFLAMAROO I was then okay but wondering if rooms are supposed to tip over like that. Then it started happening every twenty minutes or so, this normal normal normal BAM normal vertigo attack, and it was no good at all. My doctor sent me to another doctor who screamed ANEURYSM! EMERGENCY! And Scott and I were screaming and crying all the way to the emergency room, but of course it wasn't that, and then the neurologist said MS! YOU HAVE MS! And we wept and rent our garments, but nope, it wasn't that, and all along my mom is calling me and insisting, allergies, I know it's allergies, in her Long Island-by-way-of-Astoria accent, ALL-UH-GIES, and OH it made me mad. Allergies, she says, when I am clearly nearing death! Then the weeks passed and the vertigo went away and I stopped thinking about it until exactly one year later, when it hit me again. At the beginning of autumn. And I went for more tests. Final diagnosis: allergies. Damn it all to hell.

I was going to write about something else, but I am both sped up and foggy, kind of like I imagine Izzy is, all the time. What's this? Whatever it is, I will kill it. And—POUNCE! Oh, my poor dog. I will write more about cat/dog relations some other time, so you non-pet-loving people can skip over that entire post. But my poor dog is not happy with this kitten. I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Hey, it's our eighth wedding anniversary today! Which makes it especially wonderful that I woke up growling my goddamn head is killing me can you quit it with the goddamn whistling? He would marry me all over again, if he had the chance. Seriously, though, if you're not married but want to know what to look for in a spouse, I will lend you Scott for a day or two. All right, that's creepy, so I'll just tell you why he's excellent marriage material. First of all, he wakes up with Henry, allowing me extra sleeping-in time. I'm almost embarrassed to add that he brings a cup of coffee to me each morning, too, but there, I just did. And on the weekends, he makes pancakes, baby, and the pancakes are delicious. So the whole morning-routine thing alone makes Scott a man worth marrying. And he's scarily funny. This weekend alone, at several different times, he had me laughing so hard I got a little frightened that I might not be able to stop. Ah, that heady combination of giddiness and terror—you can't beat that. So marry Scott today! Oops, too late. Hands off, ladies. You too, men.

Comments

[Karly]

So, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you are taking some kind of powerful pain killer for that headache. Either that, or you really did consume to much coffee. Either way, I think you should do it every day.

[Pete Dunn]

Allergies frequently make the room tip over for me. So do pictures of kidneys and other guts.

[Michelle]

If the headache came on suddenly and is impervious to pain killers, it could be a migraine. With my first migraine I went through a whole day thinking, "Gosh, this headache sure is tough" and popping ibuprofen like candy. And then three-dimensional things started looking two-dimensional. And I wore my sunglasses on the way home that night because the streetlights were like miniature summer suns blaring down at me. The next day my doctor shook his head and sighed. "You've just described every symptom of a migraine. Here's some Imitrex." A miracle drug, I tell you.

[christy]

I used to think we could be friends, but now that I know you have a husband who brings you coffee and makes you pancakes ... I think my jealousy would just tear us apart.

[Gretchen]

Not to be a bummer or anything, but last Wednesday I was hit by The Headache That Ate Ohio, which turned into The Cold That Won't Die. Over the weekend my husband commented that the only words I'd said to him all day were "Oh, God" and "I'm dying." And they were an octave lower than my normal voice, thanks to Sexy Cold Voice. Today I'm still sniffling and hawking and cursing the day that the universe invented viruses (virii?). And the 2-year-old's nose has started running like a faucet ... nice. Let's hope yours turns out to be something nice and fixable, like allergies :)

[alice]

That's not a bummer, Gretchen. The bummer would be the person who writes, "That's funny, because I had this severe vertigo, and then a few years later I had this bad headache, and then I DIED. BOOOOOO." Actually that would be cool. I want a comment from the afterlife! Anyone?

[MomVee]

How do you get the Husband Who Brings Coffee To You In Bed? Is there a coupon? A night course at the local high school? A mall kiosk? Because I keep hearing about them, and I want one.

[amyp]

I've been getting headaches lately, which led my husband to helpfully remark, "Maybe you have a brain tumor." Huh. Perhaps a brain tumor would explain why I think he's the best husband ever(brings me tea in bed) one minute - and the world's biggest asshole the next.

[Judy Wise]

Gosh, you start my day off right. I do not have a headache. Jubilee!

[Angela]

Because of your telekinetic cat reference, I am now on a mad hunt to locate a copy of The Cat from Outer Space. One? Because I fucking LOVE Ken Berry. Two? Again, Ken Berry. (Will The Love Boat EVER be available on DVD?!) Anyway.

Happy Anniversary to you. (I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "A Pancake Maker is A Keeper." So true.)

[wbraine]

Thanks a LOT, Pretty Rambo. Way to set the bar.

[Kate]

Happy Anniversary! Today is our anniversary, too (3 years) so thought I'd delurk long enough to send you happy wishes. Maybe pancakes for dinner are the answer to your headache.

[lizneust]

First - you and Scott got married on the exact same day that my husband and I did. We were in Katonah at 4:30 pm eight years ago, and it really was lovely weather, wasn't it, given the heat we'd had just the week before...

Second - my husband has been having vertigo issues recently and - wait for it - I've been trying to convince him that maybe it's allergies and not an aneurysm.

Third - there are no other ways in which my life parallels yours, but I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Lori]

I always start my IM conversations like we've already been talking for days, and there's one co-worker who refuses to indulge that behavior. He always responds with "hi", and waits for me to say "hi" back before he addresses my opening salvo. The nerve!

Also, I agree that a husband who gets up with the kid is a total keeper. Just to keep things even, though, I make the pancakes.

[Jen]

Funny. When I was growing up (and to this day really) and I didn't feel so good my mom always said it was because I had to poop. Upset stomach? I must need to poop. Headache? Need to poop. Sent home with a note from the school nurse saying I might have scoliosis? I probably just really need to poop.

[slouching mom]

flimflamaroo?

seriously?

i heart you.

[VenturaMom]

I saw Jubilee! in Vegas last week (the showgirl review, not the exclamation). It was fun with all the naked boobies and feather headdresses. Maybe a feather headdress would make you feel better. Or just unleash "the girls" for a while.

[Kate]

Aw, my husband (we're not even at a year married yet but we've been together almost 8!) leaves my coffee all set up for me every morning and it makes me happy every day. He's an early morning type and nearly always gone before I wake up, but down in the kitchen my mug is always waiting with the drip cone and filter and coffee all ready to go, and water in the electric kettle.

I'm sorry about your headache....

[Michele]

yes but anyway let's go on to my tale of woe, which is that yesterday my participants in my dissertation dumped me (said they were uncomfortable with the interviews and needed a break, which is diplo-speak for shove off, snooty academic lady who wants to study us), and today we got robbed. thankfully none of my son's 500 zillion Thomas the Tank Engine accessories were taken. Just, you know, the laptop. And my sister's digital camera. And my sweet voice recorder that I bought for data collecting although now it looks like I am going to be a schoolmarm forever and not an academic and never collect data again. I would swear but I don't want to offend anyone. So the headache thing, it will go away. Or maybe you do just need to poop.

[Equipoise]

I totally agree with Karly! Wow, I guess I should be happy my allergies aren't quite so severe. Sincerely hopes your headache disappears!

By the way, I have a wonderful husband too, but I don't think he has EVER made me pancakes...not to mention the fact that he sleeps at least one to two hours longer than me every night. Do they have husband upgrades? Can I possibly downloand one from Scott? That would be great!

[maggie]

Wow. That was a lot of coffee. I know because that's exactly how fast my brain goes when I drink a lot of coffee. I'm jittery just reading that. I hope your headache is better -- it probably *is* just allergies.

Congrats on the anniversary -- and on the pancake and coffee makin man -- how'd you find one of those?!?

[NotFace]

Wait -- I get up AND make the pancakes too. I guess that makes me my own best husband. And my husband's. Yay me.

Jubilee!

[Annika]

My husband gets up with our son, and I therefore think he is the best husband ever, but I can't help but notice that the only time he has ever made me pancakes, EVER, is when I was in labor.

[velocibadgergirl]

I am betting on her calming down with age, but for all I know she will just gather more strength and more energy until she is able to tear him apart with the force of her mind. I always wanted a telekinetic cat, sure, who doesn't? but not at this price, dear God, no.

Best. Quote. Ever.

And, happy anniversary! Sorry about your headache...

[Sarah]

Telekinetic Cat is a good band name.
Have a very happy anniversary! :-)

[kate]

Jubilee! It's your anniversary! And jubilee! I'm not the only one suffering. I feel better already. Hope you do too.

[Melanie]

Somebody's hitting the morphine or something today -- and I like it. Jubilee! Why is that word not used more often? Jubilee! It encapsulates exactly what it means and I'm planning on running around using it ALL THE TIME, to the annoyance of everyone I know. And I'll tell them, it's all Alice's fault. Tell HER how annoyed with my overuse of Jubilee! you are. I like that you also used "FLIMFLAMAROO" in the same post as my now-beloved Jubilee! It's like Mary Poppins with vertigo-causing allergies. FLIMFLAMAROO! Supercallafradgalisticexpealadocious! (can anyone really spell that?)

[Melanie]

Oh, god, I got so excited I forgot to wish you happy anniversary. Happy anniversary!
If you ever want to lend Scott out, I'll trade you. Mine won't bring coffee in bed, and if he does for special occasions he always makes it wrong. And he wouldn't know a pancake if it bit him in the ass. He does have the funny, though, the almost pee your pants funny.

[marylandmezzo]

The headache could very well be caused by allergies. It was my allergist who diagnosed my migraines when I went in for a routine visit & described them to him. He said "You've just described a classic migraine." I agree with Michelle; imitrex is a wonder drug. Sometimes takes an hour or two to really kick the migraine's ass, but it does work.

Happy anniversary, and hope you feel better soon.

[jen]

not that you need any more advice but hi here it is anyway! It could be a tension headache where your neck/shoulder muscles are all bunched up. So, you might need a massage.

[Jake]

I have a boyfriend who fills the house with hidden love notes and folds the laundry so precisely that every closet looks like a Prada showroom. In return I'm the boyfriend who hides New Yorker cartoons in his pockets for him to find later and who cooks delicious meals and gives him temple rubs just because.

Not to brag, but we're also thinking of getting a peripatetic cat. So there.

[I, Rodius]

I once had a telekinetic cat. He gave me a really bad headache before he tore me apart with his mind. Booooooo!

There's your post from the great beyond. Jubilee!

[pnuts mama]

i get headaches like those, i always thought they were allergy/barometric pressure sinus headaches. i take claritin-d and tylenol like it's my job. my liver just keeps chuggin away, god bless it.

happy anniversary, alice! here's to husbands who are wise enough to leave us the coffee to power us through 9 hours with their offspring. i make the pancakes on the weekends, though, while he takes care of the bacon and eggs. life is indeed good.

[Rebecca F.]

I'm with Melanie. Jubilee made me chuckle right out loud and made my children demand to know what was so funny.

Jubilee! Wheeeeee!

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I'll bet those two doctors you mentioned (the diagnosis geniuses) got together later and just laaaaaaughed BWAAAHAHAHAHAH at their tag-team crushing of your soul, while drinking vodka straight from a bottle and screaming "Jubilee!" after every sip.

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

Happy anniversary!

[reenie]

Jubilee! It works! Sweet merciful crap you're even funnier on caffeine. Happy Anniversary, you crazy kid.

The headache could possibly be allergy related, hate to admit it...but every year around my anniversary in Sept. I get nasty sinus infections and they feel like mild migraines (which I get monthly, so I am lucky enough to be able to compare, whee) and it's all due to allergies. Your mom would feel so vindicated.

Geez, between you and Amalah this morning my boss is going to wonder why I'm laughing hard enough to snort coffee through my nose.

[RLJ]

Great husband, eh? He's got you drug-dependent so that you can't function without him to meet your craving/make the coffee.

;)
Happy Anniversary! Hope he makes great pancakes for you :)

[Sara]

When we lived in Minneapolis the grocery store down the street was Jubilee foods. My husband and I always said it loudly and with exclamations, as in: "We're out of milk. Could you stop and get some at JUBILEE!?" or "Honey, I'm off to JUBILEE!!"
Also, telekinetic cat will be the phrase that runs through my mind all day. It's extremely fun to say. Thanks for throwing it out there.

[dana]

chocolate helps, along with caffeine. i get migraines very often. about 6 dark hershey kisses and a coke or 2 usually help. otherwise they're bad enough to land me in the hospital getting intraveinous fluids ativan, phenergan and whatever the narcotic of the day is. that happens at least 3 times a year. i have a headache today actually, but so far am not headed for the hospital. JUBILEE!

oh and yoohoo also helps you feel better, especially if the headache is part of a hangover!

[Operation Pink Herring]

Even with a raging headache, you make me laugh. I eagerly await hearing more about the cat-dog relationship.

I don't know how you're managing with a bona fide kitten... I adopted a 9-month old cat (who is now actually 14 months old) and he is still killing EVERYTHING. Fly? KILL. Dental floss? KILL. Pulls for the blinds? KILL. The trim on the wall? KILL. And that's after he's KILLED all his toys and dragged their cold, dead bodies off to his bed for safekeeping. Sigh. He makes me tired.

[Kait]

congratulations on the anniversary, and I hope that your headache goes away soon. Nothing is worse than sinus headaches (and I would know!).

[Garnigal]

Happy Anniversary. My mother had vertigo issues a couple of years ago - at least you found a reasonable answer. We just called my mother a dizzy bitch and sent her to sleep it off.

[Andrea]

Aren't husbands who get up before you, feed everyone (I have critters, no kids yet), and get you coffee the best? Happy Anniversary! And if he is half as funny as you, you two must be hysterical to hang around.

I've had the allergy vertigo experience and it ain't pretty. I walk with my head slightly tilted. It's professional and sexy.

I hope the headache goes away and you feel much much better soon!

[Martina]

I also have a Scott (named Ian). They are the best ones. Without fail, he does the morning dog walk/ feeding so that I can sleep in, and when I do finally get up, not only is the coffee ready, but my morning smoothie fruit has already been placed in the blender so that I don't have to put my hands into the freezer.

He's just that nice.

Happy Anniversary.

[Joe]

Reading your posts makes me want to stop blogging. I just can't compete.

Happy Anniversary.

[Mauigirl52]

Hope the headache gets better and the kitten leaves Charlie alone soon! The vertigo thing sounds like what a friend of mine had last year - benign positional vertigo. It was hideous while it lasted but was gone in a day or so and she has never had it again - so far.

[jaelithe]

Oh, I hope your headache gets better! I had a terrible headache the day before yesterday-- the kind that you go to sleep with and then you wake up and you still have a headache. Dang it.

(I also, incidentally, came down with UTI last week which I am on my second round of drugs for. Perhaps we are being tortured by the same voodoo practitioner?)

Totally unrelated to your post: Picky eating assvice! On my blog!

[jaelithe]

P.S. You have a prize husband there. My husband also lets me sleep in, and he makes pancakes every Saturday, but I have been afraid to let the internets know this, for fear some other wife will kidnap him for her own. Happy Anniversary!

[Angel]

Happy Anniversary!

So sorry about the headache, I hope by now you are feeling better. I can certifiably say that HEADACHES SUCK.

My headaches laugh at imitrex. Today, my headache is mocking my vicodin too. But I'm alive, JUBILEE! :) Thanks for the giggle!