Grump, grump, grump.

I am a grump. I am grumping. I am engaged in grumpery. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. If I could stomp around muttering "grump grump grump," it would feel extraordinarily correct. I suppose I could. Nothing's stopping me.

(Pause to throw cat off lap.)

My sheets are unwashed, there are tumbleweeds of pet hair on the stairs. My right hand hurts for no reason I can figure. My hair is stupid. We're no longer on vacation. It's sunny and breezy out. If it were still be raining I could stay in and grumble under the (unwashed) sheets. But noooooo. Weather hates me.

While I'm writing this, Charlie is flipping out at the cat for, you know, being a cat. For batting at things. Charlie, let it go.

(Cat's back up, and is actively trying to delete my document. Aaand now she is flying off my lap, via the power of my sore right hand. Ow.)

And you know what? You can't tell a four-and-a-half-year-old that you're in a bad mood, because they don't care. If anything, they decide they're in a bad mood too, but unfortunately the bad mood of the preschooler is not characterized by silent grumping, but instead by a) whining and b) carrying on. So instead one should repress every glimmer of negative emotion, push it deep down into one's abdomen, where the four-and-a-half-year-old will still sense its presence and respond in kind so ignore what I just wrote, it makes no sense. Just… just don't bother getting up. Hire a replacement. When you're in this kind of mood, the preschooler will love anyone who is not you. Grab the guy who mows the lawn across the street, who seems to be there every day; why is he there every day? Who needs their lawn mowed every day? I ask you.

(Cat's back, purring violently at me. Soon she will put her butt on the keyboard while kneading my face with her claws. I know it.)

You people, however, amuse me. I never suspected so many of my delicate readers would be so stricken at the sight of a fellow enjoying an invigorating electro-massage of his innards. Look at him, does he seem disturbed? See how pleased he is with his newfangled gadgetry? Why begrudge him that? It's not like he's plucking at his intestines with a fork.

Oh, I need to lie down. Maybe I need one of those massagers. Did you ever wish you were getting sick? Just so you could lie in bed for days, perhaps being looked after by a sexy nurse? I need a sexy nurse. WHY DO I HAVE NO SEXY NURSE? I would also take a brownie.

The cat's on me again. I'm afraid I don't have the energy to remove her. Send help. Sexy help.

Comments

[kate]

Oh Alice, I hope you are whisked out of your grumpy mood soon. I'm surprised Henry isn't trying to cheer you up with one of his adorable stories or songs.
Also, is the guy who mows the lawn sexy at least?

[Lisa Milton]

It's mid-summer - grump happens.

Hope it passes soon. Be well.

[Erika]

There must be something in the air, all of my girlfriends and I are feeling the EXACT same way! I feel the weight of the grumpiness sitting on my chest and making it difficult to breath, let alone do anything productive. I guess we are all grumpy together. That's something, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!?! sorry.

[mathew]

it took me a long time to realize what sort of elcro massage of innards you were talking about because i didn't remember reading anything like *that* on alphamom or here for that matter.

now i'll have that thought in my head all day. thanks a lot, grumpster.

[Momo Fali]

Ah yes, the grump mode. I am in it as well. At dinner last night, it was all I could do not to start banging my head on the table in frustration that it takes my son an HOUR AND A HALF to eat a BLT.
http://momo-fali.blogspot.com

[Erin]

I had mono for two months during the first year after I graduated college. I was working a stressful, low-paying job, and decided that mono was the best illness ever. I speak fondly of this time. "Sorry, boss, but the doctor insists that I stay in bed and lump around my house for at least a week." Sigh.

[Zanna]

Oh thank you... it's good to know I'm not the only grump today. My kids refuse to be around me. My cat lies beside me with her paws over her face in disgust. I don't want a sexy nurse. Then I'd feel like I'd have to do my hair and be charming. And maybe brush my teeth. Toothbrushing is just way beyond me right now. But I do have brownies.

[DaisyCake]

well Alice, you may be a grump, but this post made me totally smile!

[Tammy]

Please send the sexy help to my house next. I've already killed the cat.

[lolachi]

I've been feeling the grumps for weeks. I think I've eaten my weight in ice cream.

[debbie]

Oh man .. so good to know I am not the only crab ass in the bunch. I have been snipping and throwing daggers of fire at anyone who has dared to be so foolish as to enter my private space, which today is approximately one square mile in radius. Huh. Can something be measured square in radius form? Discuss ...

(the feeling will pass, as all of them eventually do. until then, embrace it. let it be. the feeling wouldn't be there if some part of you didn't need it.)

[debbie]

And may Tammy's cat RIP.

[Angel]

Must be the "No Good, Awful Day" on the blogosphere. I have a wicked case of the grumpies. And I can't even EAT ice cream right now ::glaring at diet book::

I vote we all take a nap.

But first I must go to the gym ::grumble grumble::

[Karla]

Sexy help! Oh that is best line ever. When you're done with it, care to pass it along?

[Anne]

I don't have brownies, but I do have chocolate rice krispie treats, will that help? Will happily ship some out - Caroline even cut them into cute shapes with cookie cutters! (hey, it bought me about 9 minutes of peace....)

[Cat]

I wish I was that funny when I was in a surly mood.

I just end up writing lame posts and flicking boogers at the cat, instead of petting it.

[saucygrrl]

I love knowing that other people grump as bad as I do. Of course, I am sorry to hear that you grump as badly as I do because that means that you are in sad shape indeed.

Try Ian Garten's recipe for her "Outrageous Brownies." It's seven hundred pounds of butter, plus 18 pounds of dark chocolate, a henhouse full of eggs and 1/2 cup of flour. There is nothing better. If it doesn't work to chear you up I don't know what will.

[Ariel]

YEAH for the Grumpkins! I had the grumpkins with my almost 4 year old this morning.

[amy]

The Grumps suck. I am hoping for a swift referral for surgery JUST to have the excuse to stay in bed for a few days. Ha!

[Bipolarlawyercook]

Sexy help, a la Hugh Jackman, is on its way! (And, um, I will need him back. My dishes still need washing.)

In our house, the Grumps are called the Crank. As in, "watch out, Cranky McCrankypants got up on the wrong side of the bed, AND the world peed in her cheerios."

[ozma]

Where can I get me one of those gadgets?

[TitanKT]

I confess I was initially a little disturbed at the new masthead... I liked the other one better, but this one is fine. It is equally... mysterious. I think it more than adequately conveys the Finslippy sensibility.

I was thoroughly cracked up by your comment that we should take our cue from HIM as to whether or not anything kinky or disturbing was being performed on his abdomen. I mean, I do take into account that it can't be TOO bad since he seems to be doing whatever it is to HIMself. But then again, people have died from autoerotic asphyxiation, too.

However! My point is that your assumption that he's fine based on his expression seeming to indicate that he's okay is uncomforting because: look again at his face. He's drawn with that classic Greek stoicism whereupon he could be getting a perfectly delightful electro-massage of his innards OR! ACTUALLY plucking at his intestines with a fork and STILL have the same implacable expression. The Greeks only had the one, you know.

[Mocha]

One good massage and we can knock that grumpy stick right outta your ass.

Tell me how that goes, ok? ;-)

[Melanie]

I absolutely wish I could be sick sometimes. Pawn the kid and the husband off on someone and just lie in bed and drink tea and watch movies and nap.
And if it makes you feel any better, I wished for rain today, too; because yesterday was rainy and so I planned projects for today, my day was all settled -- and then it was too nice to force the boy to stay inside and do projects, so I had to plan a whole new day. Which made my brain hurt. Luckily, there is always the beach, and sand in your yogurt, and then watching The Little Mermaid, which boy is luckily not old enough to be like "ew, that's a GIRL movie".
Wait, when did this become my blog? Sorry about the run-on comment.

[Robin in San Jose]

Three letters. PMS. All you need is a stiff dose of chocolate and a tall glass of red wine.

[Robin]

"Send help. Sexy help." Could I get that in a bumper sticker or possibly T-shirt format?

[Slim]

You're in Jersey now--doesn't that mean you're near Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? Maybe the team makes housecalls.
Or maybe House does, at least. He could certainly relate to your grumpiness, all while gazing at you with his piercing blue eyes.

[Julie]

Well, I don't know if this makes you feel better or not but I bookmarked your post: I think it might be funny enough to slay any evil grumps that come my way in the future.

[Marcheline]

Hey - I just saw a news story about bikini landscapers... I bet you can figure a way to get the whole sexy help thing combined with getting your lawn done! Maybe a bikini cat groomer? Keep at it.

- M

[sue]

Oh, I'm so glad you've explained what he is doing, all kinds of things were going through my head. Now if you could just explain why he heads your blog in particular, all in my world will be set right.

[Barbara]

Oh, this is very late July of you.

What you need is not a sexy nurse and a brownie. You need a sexy nurse you can call "Brownie. All better!

Or. Nickname a brownie "nurse." And eat that. Yes, I think that's the way to go.

Wait. You need a sexy nurse, made entirely out of brownie. And then you devour him, with a tall glass of milk. And take a nap.

[Gabs]

When you get the sexy help (and after you're done with him, of course), please share! I could use some too...

[jules]

It's SO comforting to read your description of your header art. For some reason when I would come to your page, I thought the guy had some kind of rope going through his stomach. I know, disgusting, right? THANK YOU for forcing me to REALLY take a look at it and realize my own mind is far more disgusting that victorian line art could ever be.
Jules
bigpikchur.blogspot.com

[Eva]

I'll make you some brownies. And send my dog, Nurse Penny, over for some TLC. She's not really a nurse in the "RN" sense, but she snuggles, and she chases annoying lap kitties away. And she makes a mean cup of soup.

[javamama]

Sexy help, on the way. But I don't know if the link will work in the comments. Damn. Grump grump grump.

http://www.afterelton.com/people/2007/7/hot100

[ollka]

my dad went second-hand-scavenging and brought home this adorable t-shirt that says "i'm entitled to be grumpy". he puts it on and isn't grumpy anymore. i love it to bits. may i put your first paragraph on a t-shirt so that i'm as cool as my dad? :) have a really good day.

[teryn]

Sexy help. Love it. Does that exist? And, yes, I wish for a sick day all the time -- except three year olds don't really get that either.

[lis]

Oh Alice! I haven't perused in awhile, but it's like talking with an old friend. Who continually makes you snort out whatever beverage you're consuming. I believe that I could be drinking pancake syrup, in a particularly slow-moving tree-sap form, and it would still shoot out my nose with unprecedented velocity if I read a clip about you and a brownie. So thanks.

[Mauigirl]

A massage would fix you right up. I know a massage therapist who actually comes to your house and massages you there - she brings her little table and everything. It is bliss.

[filmfangirl]

I have been in a major grump for 9 days now...and of course, it has to be SUCH the stereotype that it's due to my raging hormones...love that. Just cried inexplicably for 7th time in said 9 days... Ate a cannoli with chocolate chips for breakfast and am thinking of diving into the Cold Stone ice cream in the freezer for lunch. If my boyfriend doesn't knock me up soon so that decades of this is all worth it, I'll wring his neck! Well, not really. His neck is too cute. But see? It's the grump talkin'.
http://www.filmfangirl.com

[Beth]

Good god, bikini landscapers. I had to Google it because I thought it was the new term for those who, um, waxed your special area.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I have the grumps lately too. My oldest keeps asking me if I wish I didn't have kids which makes me feel like Mommy of the Year. And, I have two cats---one just threw up three times on the rug. Fun times!

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Maybe it's because Caleb is six, but I actually had to pull out the "I'm in a bad mood" excuse yesterday. Wise child that he is, he backed off for the afternoon :)

[rahree]

i covet "engaged in grumpery" and "sexy help"...I am totally illustrating the former and wishing like mad for the latter. Thanks for making me smile.

[honestyrain]

have totally wished for illness so that i could lay in bed for days. have totally done so.

[BOSSY]

Bossy missed your Grumpy Ass at the BlogWhore convention. Come on over to Bossy's place for a recap (Reader's Digest Version available at no extra cost)

http://iambossy.typepad.com/

[Tina]

You know what's weird? My right hand hurts, too. What gives?

I suspect...arthritis.

I'm only 38. I'm a baby. You're a baby. I mean it in a good way. You don't have arthritis. Why am I giving you my fake arthritis?

You should eat a bag of cookies.

[Tina]

You know what's even stupider? My powers of reading comprehension weakened after the early mention of my sister city, your right hand, and I had totally spaced out by the end of the post. Then everyone was all "sexy help" in the comments and I was like, what a strange comment zeitgeist!

And then I was like, oh.

I can't figure out a funny way to make cookies sexy. But cookies are enough by themselves, just who they are, I think.

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

I'm sick right now *AND* have my period. My grump trumps your grump.

But should I mail some of my used Kleenex?

Because I totally would.

[J]

Snap out of it Poopyhead.