Henry wants you all to know...

My head is made of poop. I smell worse than garbage. Although my head is made of poop, my son wishes to poop on my head, which is poopy. Or else he will poop on my butt. Which, incidentally, is smelly. I should also mention that my son hates me. It's perfectly reasonable that he hates me, as in only the past few days I have reminded him to wash his hands, told him I had no money for an ice cream sandwich, and asked him which movie we should watch. All of these actions are unforgiveable. I know that now. And thanks to his lengthy, and at times deafening, explanation, I see that the reason is my giant feces-head, which is awkwardly propped up here on my neck. It's amazing that I can even type or think or have any opinions about ice cream sandwiches, but nevertheless I do, and this renders me loathsome. I am a bad mommy, and he doesn't like me anymore, well, he does, but more importantly he hates me. Let's just say that his feelings for me grow increasingly more complex. But he consistently feels that my head is, as I have mentioned, poopy.

Let's all hope that my behavior improves in the near future.

Comments

[Jennifer]

Well, at least he is creative. I just get the, "You are a bad, MEAN mommy. MEANNNNNNN!!!"

Poopyhead.

[Greta C.]

The important question is, when does school start????

[falwyn]

No doubt you've already seen this, but I for one am relieved that our collective parental bad behavior is being exposed to the world thus:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/majority_of_parents_abuse_children

("An average of 600 hours a week in school." The brutality!)

[midlife mommy]

I am so not looking forward to the day that my daughter says those thing to me (she will be three this month). I know that I will have to sneak away and cry.

[erica]

i'm glad we get to practice hearing our kids say they hate us when they're in preschool and don't really mean it...so we're more prepared when they're in middle and high school and do, in fact, mean it.

[Mom101]

I don't know why you think you have the right to tell him to wash his hands when you yourself are made of poop.

[shy me]

oh my!

[kyran]

I have recieved first-hand testimony that Henry is cherubic, charming, and completely edible.

Shame on you for your unclean ways. Meanie poo-poo head.

[SparklieSunShine]

I hope your behavior improves also. A poopy head is good for no one.

[braine]

You know, maybe it's just your shampoo. Have you recently switched to a more poopy formula?

Oh, check it out -- sham poo. Hahahahaha.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

When did Henry become a teenager? I mean, didn't he just had a birthday involving a single digit?

[Jace]

Ahhh, I remember the first time I said something like that to my mom.... She was yelling at me for something I did (respectfully disagreeing with her opinion? wanting to watch superman for only the three hundred and twelfth time? I don't really remember) when I was young, no older than 4. I turned back and yelled, "Do you remember when I was big and YOU were little? And I yelled at YOU? How did that make YOU feel?" Now she tells me the same thing every time I have smart-assed remark for her.

[Christa]

Maybe Henry would feel better if he farted in his poop, as my 4-year-old did just the other did, supplying himself with at least five straight minutes of amusement and deflected his attention off the fact that we were (horrors!) MAKING DINNER.

[alanaransley]

Oh, we must be having the same day today. My five-year-old hates me right now, and is currently upstairs screaming insults that I (thankfully) can't hear. I just posted about it on my blog, to try to calm myself down. It helped a bit. I am looking forward to the start of school on August 27th, but the only downside is that instead of spending my day with one child, I get to spend it with around 110 children. I only get them for 65 minutes at a time. At least I get to send them home at night, but then again, I do get mine back for the evening. Sigh.

[jenB]

I think Henry is just telling you something we have all been evading mentioning for years. Sorry love.

[Bertha]

Oh man, you know these types of posts from you always leave me with tears of laughter on my face, but being a mom myself now, I wonder how I would feel if (let's face it, when) June talks to me this way! She's only 6 months now, so I have a while before I have to worry about it, but I think I would wither into a ball and die if she thought I was a poopy head! I'm impressed that you can see the humor in it! Maybe it's different when they are older...

[Sarah B]

Are you sure your kid and my kid aren't the same kid? Because we can't go 5 minutes without using the word "poop". My favorite (and his) is the lovely idea of pooping on my and his father's eyeballs. Thanks Eli.

[Poppy]

Wait until my kids realize that I'm using a pseudonym. And my name really has another "o."

Shhhhhhh ... let it be our secret for now.

[Wack-a-do]

Picture this: Mother's day, last year, in Barnes and Noble in the Starbuck's Cafe packed full of people. Four year old daughter screaming at the top of her lungs, "You are a HORRIBLE mother!"
Cause of said meltdown: I said, "no" when daughter asked for chocolate chunk cookie.
I quickly walked away and pretended she was someone else's child while she had a full blown tantrum. I even shook my head and tsk tsk'd from a distance.

[Jonathon Morgan]

I was hoping my daughter's poop-obessed phase might end soon. Apparenly not. ;) Sorry to hear you're on the outs.

[Luther]

And those thoughts you have buzzing around your head? Flies. Since we're sharing and all.

[S-Way]

Bertha: don't worry, it really is different when they're older. Their insults are just so ridiculous/absurd and their underlying love/attachment is so obvious.

My 3-year-old daughter howled in protest the other night because I kissed her (on the cheek!) good-night. How DARE I?!

My daughter would like to add, gleefully, "Poopy poop head! Poopy scrotum! Poopy penis! Penis scrotum! POOP in your BUTT! POOP on your HEAD!"

[Jen]

That's uncanny. Because I too am poopy, am a bad mommy, my daughter doesn't-like-me-anymore-but-she-does, but inexplicably also hates me...we're like twins! Oh, and she also wishes I didn't have a mouth. Oh, I love being a parent!

[Steph]

Dude, I hear ya. My 7-year-old daughter has recently been shouting wonderful and touching phrases aimed in my general direction, such as "You're a witch! A wicked, wicked witch!" and "You are Evil with a capital E!" Apparently, she also wishes that she was never born from my loins, and has told me as much. It is awesome.

The first 10 times or so (she pulls this crap maybe every 3 weeks), there was a lot of crying on my part. But it has gradually become funny to me because, oh, the drama! The Academy Award for Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill goes to Maya! Too bad I will be saying "no" and telling her to clean her room about 1 million more times before she turns 18.

Also, FYI: school is a great breeding ground for lots of fun information about bodily excretions and all the possible things you could do with said excretions. Where does she learn this stuff? Lunch. Maya and her friends talk about it during lunch.

My tax dollars are clearly being put to good use.

[Vikki]

Last night, my son told me that I was not the best mom in the world because I won't buy him fruit roll-ups and capri suns. I too have sinned...

[Jake]

Poop is funny! "What can Brown do for you?" SEE? FUNNY!

[Tina]

You never want to think there are parents in the world who make their children wash their hands or stand in the way of ice cream, etc. It's so grotesque, so obscene, so gothic. So poopy.

A Dickensian childhood, he's having. The world weeps along with him.

[Helen]

HAve you reached the stage yet where you tumble headfirst down to the same level and tell him " yeah, I am SO a big poop but guess what..you came out of my tummy and what else comes out of tummies? Ewwwww YOU ARE A POOP TOO!" Do you get the Horrible Henry books over there, with his little brother Perfect Peter? Me thinks Henry might enjoy!

[Lizzette]

Yep, my son is always telling us he wants to poop on us and so forth. They've entered the poo poo caca phase, which apparently my husband went through during his preschool years. Hating this and that including mommy is also part of his repertoire these days. I can't wait until he's 10. I'm a teacher. I know teenage back talking starts then.

[Pretty Lush]

Poopy is a toddler obscenity.

[Jaycee]

I don't remember this particular phase with either of my boys--perhaps I'm blocking for obvious reasons--but, I do have a teen-rager now and he says it all for realsies. Boo!

[Frankie]

Well, frankly, who's head ISN'T Made of poop??
The secret?.. Accessorize!!!

[hbomb]

4 is awful (he is 4 right). It does not end exactly at 5, but at some point they become precious again. I agree that it is a preview of the teen years.

[hbomb]

just thought of a funny joke my 5 year old told me today. "Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh." Precious I tell you!

[sveedish]

I, too, thought immediately of the Onion article regarding child abuse:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/majority_of_parents_abuse_children

It sounds like we might have to call Child Protective Services on your (poopy) ass.

[Sarah Brown]

I've been meaning to talk to you about this.

[YetAnotherKaren]

Henry ought to write a book: "Henry's Book of Poop", and in it would be nothing but pictures of you. Do I smell a bestseller?

[Erika]

I'm just so glad that my 5 yr old isn't the only one obsessed with poop, pee-pee and butts. For some reason after the 100th time seeing him grab himself and yell "pee-Pee" just isn't that funny anymore. And you know what's worse, the younger child picks it up so much earlier! Blah to children. Just blah!

[Deanna]

So as a childless one, I have to ask - does anyone punish their kids for talking to them this way? There would have been severe beatings for me as a child if I called my mom a poopy head. If you don't punish them, what's your rationale for letting them do it? I'm seriously not criticizing, just curious.

[BOOMOM]

LOL ! How on earth did you keep a straight face during the Mother-of-all-meltdowns??

And, Deanna - it's soooo normal for that age, that seriously it's not worth getting that upset about ! Plus, it'a hard to punish when you're hiding in a closet ROTFL !

[Michelle]

Well. I thought I had a one track mind, but it appears Henry has put me to shame.

[Jennifer]

My daughter's ace in the hole was always "I'm going to tell Ms. Pam (or Ms. Jan or Mrs. Scholl-- it was a long phase)"
Yes, as if her preschool teacher is going to come and chide me for making her take a nap, pick up her toys, eat veggies, etc...

[Jake]

At least poop is funny. Some day he'll be hurling Proustian invective at you. I dare you to stay awake through THAT phase.

[BBM]

Tell that Henry to keep it down. My 18-month old must have heard him because she started screaming "Poop!" over and over and over again at the grocery store today. And oh so many people knew what she was screaming and stared . . . I shudder to think what word she'll be screaming when she's four.

[becks]

I can only wish that my son grows up to be as charming as yours. And I mean that in the least sarcastic way possible. Henry is definately my kind of kid. Are you able to refrain from laughing during these moments?

[Deb]

I heart Henry......

We are all poopy obsessed over here too, and I have GIRLS....my three yr old gives us details every time she goes!

He will enjoy this post when he grows up

[Melanie]

Honestly, I'm laughing too hard to respond well to that. Henry is awesome.

[andi]

I want Henry to know - he makes me laugh. But I'm glad those words don't come out of my kids' mouths or I guess it wouldn't be quite so funny.

[Vanessa]

Darn! And here I thought *I* was Queen Poop of Poopville.

My 8-year-old has mostly moved away from potty epithets and on to such cutting insults as "You're not my friend!" No, last time I checked, I was your mom, so get up the stairs and put on your pajamas!

[Rachel]

We are deep, deep into the poop and butt talk here too. My 4 1/2 yr old has started the "I hate you" thing too, and that's harder for me to hear. But then of course I hear myself saying, "I hate it when I forget my list" or something dumb like that. And of course, anything that gets a big reaction from us goes right to the top of "Important things I must say often" list for the kids.