Things I thought I would do as a grown-up, when I was seven.

Wear pantyhose.

Okay, I have worn panytyhose in my life, but not with the regularity I assumed I would. I do not even own a pair, currently. If my mother found this out she would be scandalized.

Get brainwashed.

I didn't know if it would be by an underground militia or a cult, but I was pretty sure that at some point in my life, I would be wearing white robes and my new name would be Snowfall. I wasn't looking forward to deprogramming, but I knew that when I did, my brooding deprogrammer would fall in love with me even as he brutalized my warped mind back into reality. It's for your own good, he would whisper over my inert body. Still hasn't happened.

Quit smoking.

I have never smoked, so I have never been able to quit. I have been robbed of that triumphant feeling of removing the nicotine monkey from my back.

Play bridge.

I barely know what bridge is, but the adults I knew, they all played it. As I came of age, I suspected that I would be indoctrinated into the ways of bridge. So far no one's come at me with a pack of cards.

Play tennis.

I hated tennis, I could never play, in school I was always assigned to hit balls against the side of the building because I disrupted everyone else's game—but when I reached some milestone of adulthood, I knew that I would simply begin sporting tennis whites and calling my gal pals up for doubles. I thank God every day that this has not happened.

Attend corporate black-tie events.

This would be for my husband, who would be some sort of corporate stooge. See above re: thanking God. Then again, paid vacations would be nice.

Enjoy cocktails at 5.

You know in Annie Hall, when Woody Allen has dinner with Diane Keaton's family? That's how Scott describes meeting my family, a lot. And it's all because of the cocktails. (Also some other things.) Mother likes her Manhattans. But here I am, almost 40, and if I have a drink at 5 p.m. I'm asleep by 8.

Have a nervous breakdown.

Having read "The Yellow Wallpaper," I figured that at some point in a woman's life she succumbs. And everyone knows I'm the nervous type, prone to hysteria, given to fits. I assumed that at some point I would take to my bed for a period of weeks, perhaps in the country. There would be hushed voices outside my door, the occasional cool compress. And yet! Although I have suffered the melancholia throughout my life, I have not yet felt my mind completely fracture. There's still time, though.

Comments

[Victoria]

Good luck getting through your list!

I'm still hoping to "be married to amazing husband" but ... well, we'll see.

; )

[dutch from sweet juniper]

you read The Yellow Wallpaper at seven? holy cats.

I think I was pumping my fist at having read Tikki Tiki Tembo by myself at that age. I was pretty sure I would fall down a well at some point in my life, and this inspired several bouts of anxiety and one or two nights of insomnia.

I'll bet you finished Remembrance of Things Past by the end of third grade? In French?

I read a lot of Garfield books back then.

[shirky]

I always pictured myself engaged in needlepointing or similar while giving a very stern look to a mischevous child, over a pair of half-moon reading glasses.

i know!

[hikooky]

Oh hilarity. I love your writing, Alice.

[Not The Mama]

Hilarious. Isn't it funny how differently things turn out than expected. I think at seven I assumed that I'd have four or five kids by now. I probably also thought I'd be a famous actress or singer or something equally glamorous.

[Tamara]

At seven I had planned on being a jet-setting interior or fashion designer. LOL!
Funny where life takes us. :o)

[Kizz]

When I was a kid my friend and I would play "Office." We'd always be 19 years old (because that was adult but 20 was way too old) and be secretaries and type documents and go out with imaginary boyfriends. We are now in our late 30s and are both secretaries and while she is married my boyfriends are still imaginary. The whole thing isn't nearly as fun as we made it up to be.

[jon deal]

And playing an opponent like The Wall would have been horrible for your youthful self-esteem. Because The Wall NEVER misses a shot. EVER.

[Weeze]

I always figured there'd be more disco in my adult life.

[J]

We're all prone to "spells" dear. I think the 5PM cocktail will help alleviate this niggling hiccup in your life.

[Noelle]

When I was a kid, I assumed that sometime in my life I would be homeless, morbidly obese, and become pregnant without knowing it until I gave birth in a rest stop bathroom.

Now it seems like none of these things are quite likely, and I remember how much time I spent watching Maury, Donahue, and Oprah (when she was trashy.)

[Barbara]

I was sure I'd daily annoint myself with Jean Nate and a helmet of hairspray.

[Barbara]

I was sure I'd daily annoint myself with Jean Nate and a helmet of hairspray.

[lisa]

When I was seven I figured that as an adult I would cut my hair short, get a black lab, ride a motorcycle, and sit on the front porch of my Berkeley home playing folk music on my guitar with a bunch of my girlfriends.

So basically I was planning to be a lesbian. It didn't happen that way, which is maybe a bit of a shame because I think I would have made a damn fine lesbian.

[Califmom]

I was thrilled to get my first pair of pantyhose from the Easter Bunny (you know how he is about the hoisery) when I was 10. Now, I don't even own any and the last time I wore something resembling pantyhose was a pair of black tights I wore to a funeral in 1998.

I also thought I'd wear smart looking suits to work everyday in a high-rise office building. No clue what my actual job would be, just wanted that wardrobe. Blech. At midday, I'm still in my pjs...as it should be.

[Kate C.]

I am glad I wasn't the only young girl who came across The Yellow Wallpaper- I did it before I came across my feminist conciousness, so I was a little confused.

Also, Tiki Tiki Tembo No Sa Rembo Cherry Cherry Ruchi (?) Pip Beryy Pembo has fallen into the well!

You know, I don't know anyone else who read that book as a kid. Clearly, I remember the key line.

I figured by the time I was 31 I would be married to Prince William, with a job, and probably kids, too.

Hah. Hah. Hah. Hah.

[Mel]

I thought I would drink coffee. (Nope, never.) And wear lipstick all the time. (I have never found one I love. Alas.)

[Jessica]

When I was eight I was convinced I wouldn't live to see 13, because I was sure to die within five years. I was perfectly healthy at the time, but regardless it made me really sad that I would never, ever get to be a teenager. Because I knew I was going to die. How weird is that?

[jomama]

Jessica, I had the same morbid thoughts as a child. Death just seemed more likely at the time than adulthood. I thought time would just stop before it got to that point.

[Alias Mother]

I, too, used to imagine having a little breakdown or two. Too much Victoriana in my reading list, I suppose.

Sometimes I am sad that this is no longer acceptable. There are times when I wish I could get sent away on a "little rest" for a few weeks. Sounds refreshing.

Then I could get back to the ass-kicking, of course. Ahem.

[MissusB]

I was pretty sure I'd be driving my hover car to work by now. I'm disappointed on a daily basis by my non-hover car.

[Phoenix]

I'd be scared shitless to be the person I thought I'd be at seven years old.

I like your list...the breakdown one is the funniest.

[Liza]

I'm surprised you read Yellow Wallpaper at 7 too. I remember my mother fighting with bookstore clerks so that I could read Nancy Drew at that age.

At 7, I thought I would be a diplomat and would have to learn how to eat monkey brains without making a horrible face, offending my hosts, and causing an international incident.

I was pretty worried about it.

[Robin in San Jose]

I always thought I'd be sporting a beehive hairdo. Because my hair has always been silky soft, fine, and very very very straight I kind of worried about how that beehive was going to happen. I also thought I would be entertaining my husband's colleagues and their wives with home cooked dinner parties. Oh, and that I'd have to figure out how to teach my children how to talk. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to learn that babies learn to talk on their own!

[kyran]

I feel certain that we could accomplish most, if not all, of these over the course of a long weekend, and have a smashing good time. Call me.

[Rachel]

I've come to find that almost every man I've come in contact with is under the impression that women wear pantyhose all. the. time. Jeans? Shorts? Capris? Still wearin' 'em.

[zan]

Sounds like you were all set to grow up and become Fallon Carrington-Colby, while I was anticipating crockpot expertise and adult soccer league.

[Twice Five Miles]

I was pretty sure I was going to grow up and be a Solid Gold dancer. I was always partial to the girl in hotpants who shook her tushie into the camera.

Too bad Solid Gold went off the air, otherwise...

[Jonathon Morgan]

That's an impressive list. I always had the feeling I'd finally be in touch with Santa Clause. But not too long after that bubble was burst.

[jenB]

modern day poopy head = olde tyme nervous breakdown?

i thought when i was an adult i would attend more cocktail parties, while my hair was in a bun and probably wearing pantyhose. pimento stuffed olives and toothpicks were involved.

[sus]

I thought for sure I would never get stuck first in line at a red light. It just seemed like way too much pressure for me to handle. Nah, won't happen.

[Lisa V]

I used to fear (from watching Dragnet and Emergency) that when I hit 17 I would become an LSD taking,free-love believing, Charles Manson following dirty hippie.

Thank God the Charles Manson part never came true.

[Melanie]

Having read The Yellow Wallpaper at seven, I'd say you're lucky to have turned out so unpsychotic. Either that or there are bodies in your basement and you are hiding behind a mask of some sort, commiserating with the families of your victims.
Either way.

[Bipolarlawyercook]

Oh dear, I suck. I wear pantyhose pretty much every day, and I am not a fan. I have a cocktail pretty much as soon as I come in the door, too, though not necessarily at 5-- but I have to fix it myself. And the nervous breakdown? Did that-- had to go to work the next day anyway. You're better off. (We do have one thing in common-- I didn't marry rich, either. Dratted love.)

[A future doc]

Re: quitting smoking - I just thought today about how I'd never gotten to quit smoking, and considered taking up smoking, just so that I could quit. In my defense, I would do it in order to better empathize with my future patients. The truly silly part? I'm going to be a pediatrician.

[anne nahm]

I was pretty sure I was going to be a James Bond with big boobs, busy taking down the USSR for most of my adulthood. What can I say? I was inspired by Rocky IV and Octopussy (because cable tv made me a classy seven year old).

Stupid Russian Empire caving in on itself and ruining my childhood dreams.

[patois]

What the hell is it about bridge? I, too, thought I'd be playing that. But then I associated it with smoking and drinking. Well, at least I got to do two out of three. (But now it's just one out of three.)

[Mom101]

Truly bizarre because I also read the Yellow Wallpaper and assumed insanity was some sort of rite of passage. Like it was something grownups just "did."

I also thought for sure I'd be in a cult. I was fascinated by Patty Hearst.

[Lisa]

seriously. Why were you reading the Yellow Wallpaper at 7?
That book freaked me out at 21.
I'm not sure I thought about what I'd be doing as an adult when I was 7; but looking at your list, I'd had to agree with most of them - pantyhose, bridge, tennis, black tie events, and also possibly hosting said events for my successful corporate husband. Instead, here I sit as the successful corporate 1/2 of the family, and I'm not wearing pantyhose - yay!

[Pete Dunn]

5 seems pretty late for cocktails, don't you think?

[toni mcgee causey]

I never heard of the Yellow Wallpaper, and this is after two masters; I think in the deep south, we don't need to have a book to help us scamper next to Crazy--we just look on the fronch porch and are ready to run screaming into traffic.

[Robin]

I always sort of wanted to have a nervous breakdown, or even better, a psychotic break (I read 'I Never Promised You a Rose Garden' as a child). A spell in a psychiatric hospital seemed romantically appealing. I was never quite sure how to go about it, though. So far I haven't been able to induce mental collapse through sheer willpower, but I continue to hold out hope.

[bubblewench]

You really should be grateful you never did smoke.

"I have been robbed of that triumphant feeling of removing the nicotine monkey from my back. " - I almost find this insulting. Never having smoked, you have no clue how big and bad that monkey can get. I struggle with it daily after having been a 20+ year smoker. It's not a triumphant feeling, it's one day at a time praying you don't break down and go to the 7-11 and buy a pack of smokes and smoke them all at once.

I really enjoy reading your posts. Sorry if I'm a little cranky on the smoking thing.. it's very personal to me.

[Kim]

I was pretty sure that I would grow up to be a punk rocker girl like my teenage babysitter Anna who dressed cooler than anyone I had ever seen and had an accent over the first "A" in her name.

[alice]

Bubblewench? That was a joke. I also never want to have a nervous breakdown.

[Izzy Rose]

I'm not sure why you would like to wear pantyhose more often, but I'm certain that if you did (especially in high heat) you might either start drinking more...and a 5p kickoff would allow for generous consumption...which could eventually lead to a nervous breakdown. If that scenario isn't realized, I hear that heavy drinking ladies in hose and slacks make mean bridge players. It's refreshing to read someone who had/has clear goals.
Good work.

[Heather B.]

When I was seven I thought that 24 would be high time for me to get married and start shootin' out some children.

Now my major goal at 24 is to purchase a car and avoid marriage and pregnancy at all costs.

[lizpenn]

Alice!! Why didn't you say there was an 18-minute video interview with you on today's Alphamom? Represent, woman! Off to go watch it right now ...

[wealhtheow]

Count me in as another who thought she'd be playing bridge. But I also thought that bridge mix was a crucial part of the equation. I also thought I'd have six dogs. I'd have kicked you if you told me I would instead have one cat.

[Gray Matter]

When I was 7, I wanted to leave a successful career due to a bone-headed-president's-induced recession thus becoming a stay-at-home-mom. I wanted to live amongst privileged suburbanites who don't know the meaning of the word "irony." I wanted to fill my days running tedious errands and be out of the workforce just long enough to be able to not get back in.
Ahhhh, the dreams of youth.