Operation Bore My Son to Tears

is not going well.

Today is Henry's third day home sick from school. On Monday he insisted that he didn't feel well but all I could hear was "I want to play with my new birthday toys." He slipped that into his tirade regarding his various symptoms but I heard it, all right. I had him all figured out! So I dragged him there, insisted that he was fine despite his loud protestations, pried his little fingers off of me, and made a run for it. Two hours later his teacher called me. He had a fever. And was crying about ear pain when he coughed. Nice job, crappy mommy.

Once I got him home, of course he cheered right up, and spent the rest of the day playing with his brand new toys. There was nary a word about his supposed ear pain. Could a child elevate his internal body temperature, just out of an obsessive need for Legos? I suspected so.

The next day Henry was as bouncy and cheery as ever, but then I took his temperature, and damn it all, he still had a fever. A small one. Could I pump him full of Motrin and send him off? I considered it, Internet. My heart is a little smaller than a raisin. But in the end, I did not, which was a good thing, because two hours later he turned all gray and glassy-eyed and his temperature shot up to 115 or something. Okay, it was 104. Every time Henry gets sick his temperature goes up to 104. I find this somehow laudatory, because I never seem to get fevers anywhere near that high, and I remember being little and sick and miserable and wanting some impressive number that would elicit the sympathy of those around me. So here he is with 104, and I'm scared but also kind of want to high-five him. You are seriously sick, dude! Score!

Off we went to the doctor, and got some antibiotics. That part's not interesting. Actually none of this is. But this is all I have. So you just sit down and keep reading.

All of this brings us to today, Day 3 of sick leave. He's clearly better, but I wanted to play it safe, not bring him back to school only to have his teacher call to say he's still sick and p.s. you're a worse mom than we thought, and that's saying a lot. At the same time I hated the idea of keeping him at home, not just because he never stops talking ALTHOUGH THAT'S CERTAINLY PART OF IT, but because he's resisting school these days, and I don't want to reinforce that with another Super Day of School-Free Fun.

This newfound hatred of school is hard to comprehend in my child, who last year would weep like I had smothered his puppy if I told him he couldn't go to school. Who I'm sure told his teacher that he didn't want to go home because his cruel parents didn't love him like she could, and he should probably just live at the school, subsisting on graham crackers and apple juice and sleeping on the bean bag in the reading nook.

Now every morning includes at least fifteen minutes of weeping over the horrors of school, how the playground is stupid and all the kids are babies and the teachers are idiots. Because this year we can walk to his school, we get to enjoy a Bataan Death March each day, except worse. Because at least at the end of the Bataan Death march the survivors weren't forced to play in a stupid playground. And eat pretzels for snacktime.

So I'm trying to make this, our Last Sick Day, as un-fun as possible, but the kid's still enjoying himself, damn it. This morning he played with his new Play-Doh Fun Pak while I typed in the next room, first darkly announcing that I couldn't play with him because I had important work to do. (Read: I was emailing my friends.) "That's fine!" he sang, and proceeded to bounce in and out of the room, handing me intricate Play-Doh desserts and declaring that I deserved them because I'm the best mother there ever was.

"Soon," I growled, "we have to run errands," and he told me that errands are his favorite thing to do, as long as he can do them with me, because I'm his best friend. Wha? We went to the supermarket and he expressed fascination with every item on my list. Romano cheese, he informed me, smells fantastic. He shoved it against his nose and breathed in deep, beaming at me. He's either the best liar ever, or there's a hallucinogen mixed in with his antibiotics.

When we got home he asked to go to the playground, and inside I cackled with glee, my raisiny heart shrinking even further into the recesses of my chest cavity. "If you're home sick you can't go to the playground," I explained, and waited for the tears. Surely this would make school seem more palatable! Ho ho! "That's okay," he smiled. "I don't mind playing inside." And then he offered to help me unpack the groceries.

Next up: I introduce him to the vacuum. Even if he's still cheerful, hell, at least I have a clean floor.

Comments

[Jessie]

I always wanted a high fever so I could stay home sick too! My mom always threatened that we would have to stay in bed all day and not watch tv if we stayed home, but she'd give in and let us watch tv after only about 30 minutes of whining and bothering her.

[MontanaJen]

My mom always made us stay in bed when ill, even if we were well enough to play with toys.

She made us watch network daytime television, not cartoons or movies. (soap operas? gross.)

Not tired? Don't want to stay in bed and nap? Here's a math/geography/language book to read while recovering.

Home during school year on a weekday = boring as hell and not fun at all. There was no play, there was rest until better.

I learned never to extend or even attempt to fake an illness.

[androidmonkeys]

My son began to dislike school in the 2nd grade. Very similar comments to what your son. When we discussed it at length we realized that he was exceptionally bored. He is a good student and a responsible child and it seems that is not always the norm. He said all he did all day was wait. Wait for the bus, wait for the bell, wait for the other students to stop goofing around, wait for the others to be done work so the next part could come, wait, wait, wait. He claimed that in between all that waiting there was no room for any fun (recess) since there were too many rules to follow. After many email with the teacher we all met to find a solution. Turns out there are too many rules at school...not allowed to walk on the left hand side of the hall, not allowed to lean on the fence, not allowed to throw snow or slide on hills, not allowed to splash in puddles, not allowed to....really it keeps going on. But we were able to find things in the class that both the teacher and my son could accept that allowed him to wait less. He was allowed to read books when he completed his work and he could play math games (although we did need to get some that were more challenging) after he completed his math work. It seemed to help. Now in grade 3 he still feels that there are too many rules and he needs to wait too often but he also knows that once he is home he will have time for his interests.

[androidmonkeys]

My son began to dislike school in the 2nd grade. Very similar comments to what your son. When we discussed it at length we realized that he was exceptionally bored. He is a good student and a responsible child and it seems that is not always the norm. He said all he did all day was wait. Wait for the bus, wait for the bell, wait for the other students to stop goofing around, wait for the others to be done work so the next part could come, wait, wait, wait. He claimed that in between all that waiting there was no room for any fun (recess) since there were too many rules to follow. After many email with the teacher we all met to find a solution. Turns out there are too many rules at school...not allowed to walk on the left hand side of the hall, not allowed to lean on the fence, not allowed to throw snow or slide on hills, not allowed to splash in puddles, not allowed to....really it keeps going on. But we were able to find things in the class that both the teacher and my son could accept that allowed him to wait less. He was allowed to read books when he completed his work and he could play math games (although we did need to get some that were more challenging) after he completed his math work. It seemed to help. Now in grade 3 he still feels that there are too many rules and he needs to wait too often but he also knows that once he is home he will have time for his interests.

[Becca]

I am clearly not an intellectual, because I spent a whole minute wondering what a "Batman Death March" was. Oy.

[cynical]

There're always the classic activities of watching paint (or Play-Doh) dry and/or cleaning out his room (or yours). I am sure you can do a LOT better at making staying home un-fun. (But damn him for being so friggin' sweet with his play desserts and grocery-bag helpfulness!)

[Kimba]

I used to try and suck REALLY REALLY hard on the thermometer in my mouth, thinking that might raise the temperature. It worked once, and I felt guilty the entire day.

[Weeze]

This sounds like a job for Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.

[Deanna]

Could Henry come over tonight and wash and fold my laundry?

[nate]

Becca, with a 5 year old in the house, there's always the chance that it really *will* be a Batman Death March. Although I shudder to think what that would entail.

[Tammy]

Make sure you remove the yoke at least a half hour before bringing him to school tomorrow. You wouldn't want any false, exertion-related 104s popping up. That would be the last straw.

[erin]

This is our 3rd day home sick from school, too. Fever, ear infection, and sinus infection. Antibiotics? I LOVE YOU. My 4yr old will be at school tomorrow.

[Jaynee]

Delurking to say that my kids do the same thing. I was home for three days with my daughter. Granted, the first two days it was like an ancient Greek vomitorium around the house, but that third day - that third day was suspiciously like a play day. And my son could be sick as a dog with a 104 fever, but there's always room for DANCING.

[SparklieSunShine]

Okay. This post? Actually made me laugh out loud. Literally. In several spots. And it's about your son staying home from school. Genius.

Hopefully he'll feel better tomorrow and you'll have the house to yourself again for at least a while.

[ltlbird]

Oh God, if your heart is a raisin, mine is a tiny speck of dust. I sent my 2yo son to daycare today even though he had diarrhea yesterday (but it had stopped by 6!) and threw up in his bed around 10:30pm (I think he drank too much milk right before bed!). Even typing this makes me feel like the most horrible mother ever. But other than the incidents yesterday, he seems fine, and I know if I kept him home all he'd do is whine to watch Thomas videos. And I got passed over for a promotion because of the 5 days I was out last year to take care of him when he was sick, so now I'm super-paranoid about missing work. (Before you call Child Protective Services, know that we would keep him home if he was still throwing up or had a fever. God, I sound defensive.)

[Little Bird]

My dad was a teacher/principal (yeah, THAT was fun) and my mother worked in an office. If..when I got sick I had to go to the school and either sleep in the office or library OR they had to get someone to come over and take care of me. And when I was sick, I was SICK. The kind of sick where all you can do is sleep 'cause everything hurts and the medicine was groggy-making. Mom stayed home a few times, but she really couldn't doit every time. I should mention that I used to get (REALLY) sick about 3 times a season. And at least 4 times in the winter.

[amy]

the vacuum doesn't work in our house. my son LOVE the vacuum.

Also? He loves to wash dishes. Until the exact moment when he gets water on himself and then has to go change. Even his underwear. Because the batman underwear needs a turn too, jeez mom.

[Average Jane]

When I was a kid (probably first grade), I decided that I didn't want to go to school one day, so I played sick until it was past time for school to start. When I thought the coast was clear, I went outside to play. My mother came out and said, "I thought you were sick."

My smug reply, "Faked you out, didn't I?"

With that, she grabbed my arm, shoved me in the car and drove me to school screaming and crying. I guess I made such a commotion that the principal came out to see what was going on.

My mom later admitted that it was really hard not to laugh at my sassy reply.

[Sanity,Interrupted...]

I would have to be decapitated for me to be able to stay home sick when I was a kid. (and even then if my mom can fit my head into the lunch box, off to school I went. I'll be fine. walk it off.)
I had one of those parents and I had one of those schools who didn't give a rat's ass if you're walking in their with puss leaking out of your eye or have an air borne case of herpes. They were like, "HEY! You made it school, puss filled eye, herpes and all. Brava!"

[rimarama]

I am laughing at your raisin heart. Mine is a mustard seed.

[Laura]

Delurking...

Love your blog.

Also love your raisin heart.

[Audrey]

Absolutely get that vacuum out. The least he could do if he refuses to be bored is be useful!

Does it say something about my level of maturity that I am totally craving graham crackers after reading this?

[witchypoo]

I am the mom with the dust mite sized heart.
I made it clear that my younger son's job was school, and if he was too sick to attend, then his job was to get well.
No tv, no nothing but rest. Even after school got out for the day.
I let him decide how sick he was.
Sue me.

[Operation Pink Herring]

Having a naturally low body temperature is one of the tragedies of my life. Even when I am sick as a very sick dog, feeling like molten lava and the Arctic sea mixed into one, my temperature never tops 100.5. Woe is me.

[Liza]

Count me in on the "maybe he's bored" and/or self-conscious theory.

I was not much older than Patrick when I figured out that I was finishing my work a lot faster than the other kids, and that They Did Not Like It. I would sneakily read ahead in classes where there was reading, but of course, that actually made the problem worse.

So I second the recommendation of seeing whether or not there's something else quiet and discreet Patrick can do when he's waiting: word search, math games, mazes, independent reading?

[Rivetergirl]

Who's Patrick? Did I miss something or am I slow?

[babelbabe]

My mom always let us stay home sick. Sometimes even when we weren't. (It helped that I was a straight-A student.) I HATED school, and thank God she let me stay home. Of course, this was in high school - no idea what she did when we were little.

I don't think it was that she was so tenderhearted, but that she didn't have the energy to argue with us.

[Tracy27]

It's your domestic duty to wring every last bit of willing drudgery out of the kid while this feverish compliance lasts.

104 is impressive, poor wee Henry. High temperature was practically my only Sick Day ticket as a kid; I still get pathetically annoyed when I'm achy and the thermometer doesn't register a big, Officially Sick number to validate my suffering.

[Vanda]

After the nth time my daught had elevated her temp, I made her to stay in bed resting for the entire time school was in session. No books, no tv, no fun snacks,no toys, nothing but resting for all the damn day she stopped doing it.

[Kirsten]

Official Delurking Day delurk done :)

That being said, when we stayed home sick *which happened so rarely that I seem to have journalled about it in 3rd grade*, we were 'in bed'. Not allowed to play with toys, not allowed to get up for more than an hour to watch tv, which usually consisted of The Price Is Right or Family Feud, we were fed soup and crackers, and then back to bed we went. Only it lasted for longer than school hours. If we were sick, we were sick for the entire day. Up for meals after school time only, and to go to the bathroom.

The time I journalled about, apparently I rested in bed with my myriad of fairy tale books and listened to Nat King Cole christmas albums on my record player. In March. I was weird like that.

[betsy]

"I would have to be decapitated for me to be able to stay home sick when I was a kid"...

BWAH ha ha ha!! Us too. (My parents ran a small-town weekly newspaper, and if one of them had to stay home with us, there was no one to pick up the slack.) The school nurse knew my mom's office number by heart.

However, until reading this entry (well, becoming a mom myself and reading this) it never occurred to me that my parents might feel any 'bad mom' embarrassment, or guilt, or anything except annoyance around these things. Hummmph.

[Thursday's Child]

I faked sick once. O-N-C-E. I had to help clean the house, go to the bank, visit old ladies from the church at the nursing home, etc. My mom knew I wasn't sick, so she wanted to make sure I never did it again, and it worked.

So, keep up the good work, there! Get creative; Henry's got to hate something!

[Gretchen]

Delurking here, just to post that, as usual, you've made me have to clean diet coke out of my keyboard. Again.

Must ... only ... drink ... water ... while ... reading ... Alice ...

If anyone wants to give me bonus points for participating in Delurk Day and visit my blog, it's http://mind-flush.blogspot.com . Love to see you there, even if I'm not as funny as finslippy (although I'm trying, but with a 2-year-old I've got more limited material).

[DM]

I stayed home a lot when I was younger but not because I wanted. Other than 6th and 7th grade, I really loved school. There were books there! And a library! About the only way I would stop complaining about having to stay home with bronchitis is if my mother brought the sofa cushions in so I could prop myself up and read. Yeah, I was kind of a dork.

If he finds that he loves the vacuum, will you send him over here? I hate cleaning.

[BrooklynGirl]

God help me, but my 2 year old LOVES the vacuum.

[DidiG]

LOL youre so funny and smart and good :)

[craige]

I sure would like to see what a puss-filled eye looks like. How do you fit a puss in your eye anyway? Even kittens would probably be too big. I'm sorry. But the image cracked me up.

My mother was one of those who would not let me out of bed if I was sick. You sick? You rest.

[Annika]

You people with kids who like the vacuum cleaner are killing me. My son goes into hysterics if he spots it out of the closet. He certainly won't go anywhere near its closet, and will refuse to enter a room if I've left it out. HE RUNS AWAY FROM IT. He cries and shrieks and generally makes it known that the vacuum is his enemy. It is very hard to pretend to be a good housewife when I can't clean the floor, let me tell you.

[elise]

I used to think some other thing you said was the best line ever, but I was wrong. Because this: "p.s. you're a worse mom than we thought, and that's saying a lot." is.

[Lisa C.]

I switched to night shift as of Monday (Oct 1) and my son started full time day care the same day. My husband takes care of him at night, and I drop him off and pick him up at day care. While he is at day care I sleep.

As is the case with most parents who work opposite shifts, I don't always get all the information from the previous day. Tonight, right before I left for work, my son threw up. It was during this time that my husband informed me that he threw up yesterday, too. Um. So technically he should not go to school tomorrow.

But he is having such a hard time adjusting, I think I will have to send him as long as he seems OK. I will feed him bland foods for breakfast, take him, and cross all my body parts.

I, too, am a horrible mother.

[ferd]

Antibiotics are effective against viral infections?

[alice]

Nope, but they're effective against bacterial infections! Which is what he had.

[Nicole]

My son, too, has suddenly decided that school is a terrible place and he can't face the day without me because he misses me so. Never mind that he's been going to some variation of most-of-the-day care since he was a year old. He's now 4, and I'm confused.

[All Adither]

Anti-B's are the best invention since Natural Glow Face Daily Moisturizer. Oh, and little boxes of raisins.

[lizneust]

Ack - this has already started with my 3.5 year old and day care. Also, the constant attempts at redirection - she needs a different pair of shoes, she wants pony tails, she has to go potty one more time, etc., etc., etc. I was kinda hoping it was a phase, but maybe I should look into the boredom theory. Ergh...

[Joe ROMANO]

I think I'm offended. Nope, I'm not, I just stink.

[bluepaolo]

heh. I am very impressed that you not only referenced the Bataan Death March, but spelled it correctly. For extra points, be sure to pronounce it properly - Bata-an.

[tori]

lol~ my 7 year old tells me every other day how much he hates school. He has decided he will attempt to be sick on a weekly basis, now he tells me he has a breathing problem and can't walk so I should keep him home~ HAHAHAHA (won't work on me buddy) to school you go little man see ya when I see ya!

[Mngirl]

ltlbird... you are the reason why my kids get sick at daycare! Follow the 24 hour rule.. you must, or I will go insane having to stay at home with *my* kids~!

[lis]

There must be books about how to actually make him like the kids at school better than you so he wants to go there. But those are probably the anti-parenting books. I don't know where they sell those.

Alice! Your Blog Rocks! But your masthead scares me. It's the truth.