What has Alice been doing?

Why, preparing for Henry's birthday party, of course!

Which was yesterday. His party was to be a Space Party, as Henry wishes someday to be an astronaut. An astronaut, or a "worker guy." A Worker Guy party sounded, at the time of the party planning, less interesting than Space. Although now that we're done I can see the appeal of a Worker Guy party. Maybe we could have had the kids regrout our bathroom. We'll plan that one for next year.

Because we enjoy suffering, we spent much of Saturday in Party City. We hadn't prepared too well for the Space Party (hello, I lied about spending all this time on party preparation), and we had fewer than twenty-four hours, and surely they had something space-related there. But did you know? According to Party City, you cannot have a Space Party. Or any type of generically themed party.You can have a Go Diego Go! party, if you like. ¡Al rescate, partygoers! But you cannot have a Space Party, because there is no branded character associated with generic Space, so no. No Space Party for you.

We actually went to the strict trademarked-characters-only Party City for one reason, which was to pick up a Rocketship Pinata, as I had seen it on their website. I asked a salesperson where I could find said Rocketship Pinata, and she looked at me like I had asked where I could find the Double Penetration Dildo Pinata. "We don't have that," she said, slowly, so I could understand her despite my obvious idiocy. "I've never heard of that, and we don't have it here, and I'm pretty sure we've never had it."

"Whuh," I said.
"If you want a Diego pinata, I can get that for you! ¡Vamonos!"
"Nuuuuh," I said, and she fed me some kibble.

So then Henry and I traipsed over to the next aisle, where we found a massive display of ROCKET-SHIP PINATAS. And do you know what I did then? Do you? I marched right over to the Diego-peddling salesperson and I barked WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE, MS. PINATA EXPERT? She cowered in fear. And begged my forgiveness, after acknowledging my clearly superior intellect.

You've probably guessed by now that I said absolutely nothing, and you would be correct. I can't feel anything but bad for anyone who works at Party City. She deserves not to know about the rocketship pinata. You go on not knowing, young miss! You go on not knowing until you're free!

By the way, if you want to yell at your child, go to Party City first. You'll blend right in! Every parent at Party City has had it up to HERE with his or her child. It's the place to go if you need to unleash a little pent-up hostility. Hell, you could grab someone else's kid and let 'er rip. No one would be the wiser. And the little kid would be too dazzled by the shiny party favors to mind your tirade.

So what happened next, you ask? Well, next we went insane creating Space Party activities and Space Party favors. I told one of my friends at the party that we actually went back in time to create the space program, just so we could have this party. (Clearly I liked my joke enough to make it again.) A few days before the party another friend mentioned to me that she had one of those inflatable Bouncy Castles in her possession, and would we like to borrow it? Indeed we did. Fast-forward to fifteen minutes into the party, when we realized we could have abandoned the Space theme and simply let the children flail away inside the Bouncy Castle until it was time for them to stagger home. Children who have a Bouncy Castle do not need personalized NASA t-shirts, or a Stick the Astronaut on the Lifeline game, or an Alien Slime-Making project, or a Rocketship Pinata. They may not even need cake. All they want to do is bounce.

In the end, no one vomited or broke any bones, so it was a rousing success. And now my son is home sick with post-party ennui. (Also an ear infection.) Such is the price we pay for showing him too good a time.

P.S.: My son is FIVE. Holy crap.

P.P.S.: Wonderland post from last week, in which I attempt to tackle the giant topic of the vaccination/autism link. Yeesh.

Comments

[Anne]

It sounds like a success; without lining the pockets of Nickelodeon with Diego props. How does one make Alien slime?

Happy Birthday Henry!

[Velma]

Bouncy castles are the best! We have a small 8x8 one we keep in our family room behind the sofa. We blow it up for 20 minutes each afternoon in bad weather, and I call it "Mommy's Little Sanity Keeper."

[Assertagirl]

One of my good friends has one of those bouncy castles for their yard and since she has twins, it's double the parental relief. I mean fun.

Weren't there any space-themed shooters for mommy at the party?

[Em]

Happy #5, Henry! You are so old now, do you have a favorite liquor?

[chris]

we rented a bouncy castle for one b-day party around age 3, and of course the fan/compressor thing eventually blew a fuse in our house. it was sort of terribly awesome - the castle ceiling slowly collapsed on the screaming kids, as parents ran towards it. no one got hurt, but little lydia surely never went into a bouncy castle ever again.

[Amy the Mom]

I think this is now my favorite Finslippy post EVER. Double penetration dildo pinata. hehehehehehehehe.

[Ren]

My daughter's birthday was this weekend. We had a Chuck E Cheese nightmare, uh I mean party. I think your space theme is genius! Genius I tell you! My husband works for NASA, he's an honest to god rocket scientist and we are both a little ashamed to have not thought up the space theme. All he'd have to do is raid NASA for freebies... throw in a cake, and it's a party on a budget.

[superblondgirl]

Okay, why doesn't anyone ever lend ME a bouncy castle? And I'm not talking for some damn kid's party, I'm talking for my own personal use. Screw kids.

5 is sort of holy crap, isn't it? I remember being 5 (albeit vaguely, and the memories could be just stories I've been told). That freaks me out -my kid is old enough to remember all the awful parenting mistakes I am making right now. I could be really scarring him for life, instead of just practicing at it like I have for the past 5 years. I am so screwed.

[Ginny]

I admire your restraint at PARTY CITY re: the Rocketship pinata. I so would have waved it in her face--a real life "In Your Face!!" Happy Birthday, Henry! Five is so alive!

[Susannah]

That post made me laugh outloud here at my bland little desk at my blah little job. Thank you for that. I am pretty sure that if I hadn't read that post I would have stuck a #2 pencil in my eye. Such is Monday.

[All Adither]

We have a party store here in Seattle called Champions where I made the mistake of taking my four year old last halloween. They have plenty of untrademarked merchandise. But they also have mummies and skeletons galore and employees with pink hair and black fingernails and pierced everything (not that there's anything wrong with that) and probably the aforementioned dildo pinata too.

So, check there if you need a pinata for your bachelor/ette shindig!

[mommy24x7]

Holy crap! I about peed my pants on the dildo pinata comment! I can so identify with the trademark frustration. We've been through the same thing time and again. What if your kids aren't allowed to see the latest Spiderman movie? Or hate Dora and Barbie and Thomas and all the rest of them?

Then you've got to be one of those CREATIVE moms and put it all together yourself, and I don't have the time, the energy, or the genes to be ones of THOSE moms! Just bring me the damn generic space plates! Or the generic princess stuff that's NOT Barbie! Nope, can't do it, "but we have High School Musical 2 napkins!"

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Oh God, we had a space party last year and I found a Martha Stewart party outlined online and tried to do some of her crafts. Why, oh why, do I fall for this? Any craft done by Martha Stewart will take 1000x more time/effort/tears/money than she states.

And, yes, next year, I may just have a 'bounce house' party. They can have their cake in 'to go' containers.

[Elizabeth]

Happy Birthday, Henry! I would have walked up to the Party City lady with the Rocketship Pinata in my hand and said "just so you know, I found them over THERE". Because I'm helpful like that!

On Saturday afternoon I invited five boys to my house for video games, dinner, video games, cake, video games, and forced bedtime at midnight, to help Ryan celebrate turning eleven. Enjoy five now, before you reach the Axe Body Spray years, trust me.

[islaygirl]

omg, i am party planning, too. and the one thing my child wants is the bounce house. a house that i would, at this point, happily cut off my right arm to rent, but sadly, we live in a townhouse with a yard the size of a postage stamp (THIS is why you left brooklyn, alice).

so, am i feeling divorce guilt over the ginormous house with the even bigger back yard we sold when we split up?

no of course not. because we know this isn't about my soon-to-be five-year-old, it's about my guilt.

i SO would have made a great jewish mother.

[Mauigirl]

It seemed a good time was had by all! And such nice weather for it, too! I can't believe Henry is five either...Five! How could it be?

[mary]

Funny, I had a space themed party for my 5 year old 2 weeks ago. It was way too much work to find space stuff! We got a space ship jumpy house and thought we'd go with that theme. Then realized that there wasn't much other space stuff out there. So I became obsessed with creating all of this stuff myself. Drawing rocket ships and stars and planets to hang around the house. Baking star shaped cookies. Putting together alien masks (actually cool - from Oriental Trading Co.) But you know what? The bouncy house was the best and no one even noticed a theme. Next year. Bouncy house and nothin' else!

[crabmommy]

as always alice, I feel bound to you by an invisible thread of commonality. Or so I like to see it. But it is true that both Crabtot and Henry had parties this weekend. Only I got seriously ambitious for once, and iced fourteen hello kitty cupcakes until my arm broke off and whizzed through the air like a deflated balloon. Three cheers for your jumpy castle. Next year I may lose the pioneer's spirit of joy I had this year (on account of age 3 being the first party I've ever thrown her) and instead of going behind the couch and doing a puppet show with hello kitty and friends pasted onto popsicle sticks, it will be straight to jumpy castle when Tot turns 4.

[falwyn]

Five. Five! My daughter too. And just lost her first tooth. ACK! Somehow it seems so frighteningly grown up and tiny-endearing at the same time.

I too vote that you teach us how to make Alien Slime!

[Angel]

Happy birthday to Henry!!!

He and my son (also 5) would get along well. My son wants to be an astronaut, hockey player, and construction worker LOL.

In the future, Oriental Trading Company *rocks* for party stuff. Especially generic party themes ;)

[Missy]

That's it, next time I need to scream I am heading over to Party City. That or coming back to read this post. Hilarious! And sounds like everyone had a great day in the end.

[saucygrrl]

Were birthday's this complicated when we were all 5?

[Pretty Lush]

I have four more months until Five. I'm terrified. And making large, bold notations that says GET BOUNCY CASTLE.

[BOSSY]

When Bossy's son was five there was no Space Program. Just cavemen and kites.

[imstell]

Oh, must I really go all the way to Party City to yell at my children? We don't even have one... But the very thought made me laugh out loud and also made my cubicle-mates wonder. And just for that little gift, I won't yell at my children today in your honor.

[Leaf, probably...]

Delurking to say: Seriously! Five! OMG he got old fast. Soon Henry will be staying out late, sneaking off to parties and getting involved with GIRLS.

(Also a space party with a bouncy castle is lmost the coolest thing in the world.. Almost.)

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

Welcome to Fivedom. We were admitted 2 weeks ago.

[Keri]

(delurking to say) Happy Birthday Henry! Very fun post.

When my daughter was five (oh dear, was that the "earth day" theme? *groans*) the girls made bread in a bag, painted little flower pots and planted seeds in them to take home; the cake was individual mud cakes complete with gummy worms. Ah yes, I remember it well. It rained all day and I was stuck inside with all of them. A nightmare!

[Big Pumpkin]

Hahaha! Now, where exactly can I get one of those Dildo pinatas??? The Hubs birthday is coming up in November....*smile*

[daysgoby]

Birthdays scare me. I'm thinking of forbidding them until the smallest one turns ten.

Or something.

Please, please, please link to the birthday cake post from a few years back. Who knew frosting was so funny?

[Lori]

I LOVED the dildo comment! It was great!

It could have been worse though. Henry could have wanted a super-exclusive trademark character that they didn't have.

Luckily he wanted space, which was easy enough to BS your way through (not that it was easy to organize, but you could have come up with anything)

[TXPoppet]

In consideration of The Great Mofo Delurk today, I am sending this little comment your way. I enjoy reading your blog regularly and look forward to every new post.

[angie]

My Maddie wanted a Blues Clues birthday before Blues Clues was so annoyingly popular, this was 10 years ago, she will be 13 next week, my god.....anyway, none of the party stores had any Blues Clues crap, so unbelievably, I sat up all night and made a paper mache (sp?) Blue-head pinanta. Do you think those damn 3-year-olds appreciated my work? Of course not, no appreciation at all.

Delurking, by the way. I read often and usually end up laughing out loud with my family looking at me like I've finally lost it.