Bear with me.

This is what happens when you're posting every day, and you're not doing much of anything but writing and eating, and you're using an old laptop containing ancient documents you haven't seen in years: you find shit, and you think, what the hell, I'm posting it. Like the following, which I probably wrote ten years ago, and I do not fully understand. I was reading Klaus Kinski's autobiography, as I recall, and was amused and unnerved by it. So I began to write a sitcom for him? Hmm. And one that's been dubbed with family-friendly language? Whatever, I'm posting it, I'M POSTING IT. I have nothing else. Without further ado:

Kinski!

Life as a teen can be hard sometimes--popularity, grades, teachers, and all-around "fitting in" are much tougher when you're trying to make it in Sunnyville Junior High.

Characters:

Jose: Dark-skinned and long-lashed, Jose is poised on the brink of becoming a "ladies' man." He is loyal to his simple peasant family.

Min: Min's a "brain" who can't wait to rebel in Junior High. Smart, shy, and Asian, she is a girl poised on the brink of womanhood.

Amber: Blond and blue-eyed, Amber's family recently moved to town from Los Angeles. Despite her Californian good looks, Amber's smart and ambitious.

Klaus: A sixty-five-year-old, grotesquely handsome man with a thick German accent, Klaus is unsure of himself and his place at Sunnyville. But with his undeniable charm and colorful take on life, he's sure to make an impact.

INT. CAFETERIA--DAY

(JOSE, MIN, AMBER, and KLAUS are sitting around a TABLE, eating TWINKIES.)

Min: Junior high is great! There's no one to tell you what to eat for breakfast!

Amber: This is a terrible idea, guys--we need nutrition to feed our brains.

Klaus (petulant): My arms are covered in sores and vomit from lying crouched under a vegetable stand all night long. I craved merely a potato for my family. Perhaps some Cheez Nips. But the vegetable man knew I was there and would not leave until my rage caused my distended belly to spew forth its contents.

Jose: Yo, Klaus. That's wack.

Klaus: I will take home this pastry wrapper for my mother to lick. There are remnants of cream filling. Jose, does the way Amber engulfs the Twinkie between her swollen ruby lips not make you want to [hang out with] her?

Jose: Well--

(Klaus throws himself over the table, knocking both he and Amber to the ground. He holds down her squirming body and bites at her t-shirt. Cue laugh track.)

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY

JOSE and MIN chat by their lockers. The principal, MR. McMURPHY, approaches.

Mr. McMurphy: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Kinski's friends.

Jose: Aw, Klaus is okay, Mr. M. You just got to know him.

Min: Yeah, you should hear his stories about Fitzcarraldo!

Mr. M.: Well, I don't know...

(Just then the locker behind them slams open and we see Klaus, panting, his shirt torn.)

Mr. M.: Mr. Kinski, what is the MEANING of this?

Klaus (choleric): It was Sheila, that libidinous whore from homeroom. Her creamy [face] is swollen as a horny monkey's testicles and her moist, hairy [hair] was peeking out from underneath her [hat] -- and I knew I had to take her. I didn't know that after I [met] her and her fierce lesbian lover, they would lock me in here. And that's more, they shaved my [legs]! The itching is intensely erotic.

(He shows them area which is blurred out to viewer. )

Mr. M.: Well, I'll give him one thing--he sure is unusual!

(They all laugh loudly except for Klaus, who glares at each of them and finally grabs Min's buttocks, pulling her into the locker with him.)

(Werner Herzog shows up in next episode)

Comments

[ltlbird]

You know, there IS a writers strike going on...I'm not suggesting that you become a SCAB or anything, but I bet those Hollywood types are looking for scripts. I'd greenlight this one for sure.

Because I laughed. Silently, internally (because I'm at work), but I laughed. Thanks.

[braine]

Herzog couldn't make it. He was at the mall.

[Laura]

ummm what recreational pharmaceutical did you take while writing this? And can I have some?

[Lauri]

oh my god. i love you. even your so-called crap from ten years ago is more entertaining than anything else on the internet. and on tv. and in the tiny iowa town in which i live.

pardon the gushing, but i really can't believe people would vote for any other weblog but yours.

[heart]

[Mandy]

That is really the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Hilarious! Can't wait to see what else you find on your computer.

[Ree]

I want to come hang out with you. And kiss your [hair]. Please?

[The Mom Bomb]

This premise is pure genius, LOL funny. I SO want to see him in gym class. Preferably surrounded by crazed monkeys and screaming "I Am The Wrath of God!"

[Monica]

Yes, you win. What everyone else said.

[klaus kinski]

Imposter! Do not believe for one second that this pampered American woman knows what it is to feel PAIN! Or ANYTHING AT ALL!!

Have you ever gone 4 days without relieving yourself in order to prepare for a movie role? I didn't think so.

[Mel]

Braine, thanks for making people come over to my cube to see what could possibly be funny about Werner Herzog. Evil linkstress. Between your link and Alice's post, I think I'm done for the day.

["Bob"]

BEST THING EVER. This was so fantastic I lost control of my keyboard and fell over in a pile of ampersands and loose brackets, cackling. I demand that this television program be aired. Relentlessly. (How else?)

[grudge girl]

That was awesome! I'm dying. Your mind is hilariously weird.

I'd like to see Leona Helmsley show up in town.

[braine]

Uhh, evil linkster. But you're welcome. And I meant to add to my comment that clearly Alice was far ahead of her time.

[Joe]

Brilliant, Alice. All I'm coming up with is riffing off of the news headlines. Curse you NaBloPoMo!!

[Velma]

I'll channel Oliver Twist here, hold up my bowl, bat my eyes, and beg:

Mow-ah, Sir?

[ozma]

I am praying this will go on. Where's the next episode?

[angelawd]

Oh my. That was evilly delicious. Will there be more?

[787]

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[Rebecca]

Wait. Klaus Kinski is dead? I had no idea this happened until I clicked on your Amazon link. You know, I ususally find out which celebrities have died in the past year on the Oscar telecast. I guess I must have left the room that moment in 1992.

[Julie]

Umm?

And I'm out.