Here's a mall adventure for you.

So on Tuesday my friend asked me to accompany her and her children to the mall, and I thought, but I should be writing and then I thought, but if one does not experience life, how can one write about it? So I agreed to go, only to gather material. Also they have an H&M.

So off we went, and the first thing my friend Abby tells me is that she's almost completely out of gas, that in fact we would be lucky to make it to the gas station. Make it there we do, and while her car is being filled I ask, "So, how empty was it? Was the light on?" and she says, "For two days." And that right there would be the difference between me and Abby, or maybe between me and most people in the world. If the gas in the car dips below a quarter of a tank I'm twitching. If it's on empty I'm afraid to sit in it, because maybe I'll tip the gas tank a little and the gas will, I don't know, slosh over to the other side and then the car can't get to it? I'm not clear on how cars work. But there's Abby, mentally stable Abby, cheerfully toting around her children, the tank filled only with residue and memories. I'm just glad she told me this when we got to the gas station because I don't think I would have lived those few blocks.

Abby's a new friend of mine, and she's one of those people who when you meet them your insides are screaming BFF! BFF! And you're trying to act all cool and collected and blasé about when you might set up a playdate, but secretly you just want to have a date with only her and ditch the kids and run away together; is that weird? She's got a great son who is Henry's age, and the two of them are so compatible, two gentle souls who want only to build Legos and then build some more Legos. Which is such a refreshing departure from his other friends, who set fires and mug the disabled.

Tank full, we made it to the mall, with only minimal screaming on her baby's part. I tried to chat up the two-year-old, but she just glared at me, because I wasn’t there with a child, and what good was I, anyway? Abby and the girls dropped me off at H&M. I needed a fall coat, and by the way I needed MANY OTHER THINGS AS WELL. I barely heard them leave, what with the pile of clothing I had gathered on top of myself as I rolled around in the aisles. I haven't shopped without Henry in too long.

We were on a tight schedule, so I made my purchases—my delicious, delicious purchases—and a few minutes before we had to leave, I headed over to Old Navy, where Abby and children were to be found. Only I had never been to this mall and had no idea where Old Navy was. And this mall featured several tears in the fabric of space and time, so you would walk over to Section A and then suddenly you were on a fishing boat and everyone was talking in Old Norse. I began to walk faster and faster, and as I did my embarrassing walk-run-walk, walk-run-walk, my thinking went thisaway:

1. Abby's probably waiting for me, and now she's going to walk over to H&M. We'll miss each other.
2. She'll be late to pick up her son, and it will be all my fault.
3. She's going to hate me so much.
4. Good going, Alice. You just had to buy your stupid cheap clothes that will disintegrate within a month.
5. I am a terrible person. Who deserves to be abandoned in the mall.
6. I will die here.

While walk-run-walking I accosted a saleswoman to ask for directions. I attempted a casual air when I shrieked EXCUSEMEWHEREISOLDNAVY? She backed away—apparently I didn’t pull it off—and pointed down one of the many wings of the mall, the one that hadn't been visible before because it had traveled to an alternate dimension. Sure enough, there was Old Navy, and there was Abby, shopping away, oblivious to the insane little drama churning in my head. Until now, that is, because she reads my blog. Crap.

Comments

[Heather]

And here I thought I was the only person to discover the tears in the space time fabric at the mall. You know, "Oh, I'll just be 15 minutes in Williams Sonoma, then I can get to my very important meeting." 45 minutes later, I'm in Yankee Candle, sneezing my head off, fondling a cinnamon scented somethingpretty and wondering how I got there.

[Jen in CT]

"your insides are screaming BFF! BFF! And you're trying to act all cool and collected and blasé about when you might set up a playdate, but secretly you just want to have a date with only her and ditch the kids and run away together"

I thought I was the only one who experienced "girl crushes" this way. Whew! Glad to know there's someone else out there! We should start a support group or something...

[Not The Mama]

Aww, I want a new BFF. And I can relate to your mall panic more than I want to admit.

[Nicole]

"and she's one of those people who when you meet them your insides are screaming BFF! BFF! And you're trying to act all cool and collected and blasé about when you might set up a playdate, but secretly you just want to have a date with only her and ditch the kids and run away together; is that weird?"

Wow, that just about sums it up perfectly. I was definitely thinking I was one of the few people to feel this way when meeting a super cool new person.

[Anne Prince]

Is this Abby of Abby & Nate? Nice folks! Even if she isn't Abby of Abby & Nate, she is your new BFF.

[Bipolarlawyercook]

The internet only makes my girl crushes worse. My poor husband. "Aren't there any MEN bloggers out there who you can't stop talking about?"

We had a Star Trek TNG mall too (ever notice that TNG episodes had a space time continuum tear about every other episode), but we called it the Mall That Never Ends, after, um, the Song That Never Ends.

[alice]

Shh, Anne, shhhh. I'm going to try to convince her I'm talking about *another* Abby. With whom I also went to the mall.

[jennifer Kashak]

This was soo funny! I always stuggle to not appear desperate when I meet a new cool mom I'd love to hang out with. The search for a BFF has its share of struggles. You crack me up!

[Sue]

I never stop being 13 and needy when it comes to making new friends. I still have not quite figured out how to turn acquaintences into friends. The thing is, I think you are on the right track and it probably involves shopping. I hate shopping.

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

What's that like? Shopping at H&M without a child, I mean. I've never done it and I suspect it would be a little like snuggling up on the couch with a bag of chocolate-covered marshmallows, the TV remote, and an endless supply of never-before-seen episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

P.S. Shiny things and chocolate-covered marshmallows usually make me want to adopt a new BFF immediately. Or, you know, maybe sway my vote. :-)

[All Adither]

What's this H&M you speak of? I want to go there. Also, I want to go to the mall that wavers across the space-time continuum.

[Krisco]

Yes, Miss Alice. I felt that way about you at last year's BlogHer! But that laid off Scary Dad guy kept nabbing you. : )

(Oh Gawd, too desperate. Deletedeletedelete.)

[Amy the Mom]

And here I thought I was the only one that became nervous when the gas tank drops below a quarter. I freak! I was on the other side of town last month in an area that I'm totally unfamiliar with. I was surrounded by retail stores, but NO GAS STATIONS. I was clammy when I called my friend and literally screamed, "The LIGHT just came on." She nonchalantly advised me that I could drive home the thirty miles and then back and I still wouldn't be out of gas.

[loulou3]

Hey, you have a BFF alarm! Thought I was the only one :-) Mine keeps alarming over Ukrainian women, strangely enough. Has anyone else noticed that all Ukrainians in America have identical, delicious personalities: smart, caustic, and mildly supercilious towards everyone and everything they see? I'm suspecting it's the combined effect of Soviet-era cynicism and fatalism, plus the radioactive soil in which they grow their vegetables. All I know is, they're so cool and smartassy that I'm wanting to move to Ukraine...

[Melissa]

I grew up in the Jerz and I TOTALLY know which mall you are talking about. We used to called it the Warp Zone.

[Tammy]

Wanted: Ukrainian woman and/or Alice for BFF.

[Mauigirl]

LOL, I love the idea of the mall having a rip in the space time fabric. Old Norse! That was great. I feel the same way when I go to the mall. And to be honest I haven't been to the mall for a dog's age (why do they say "a dog's age" anyway?) as I now buy everything on line in order to avoid being lost in the interstitial rip in the space time continuum.

I know what you mean about the BFF crush. I hope you and Abby are BFFs forever! Uh, that was redundant, wasn't it?

[Ann]

You are halarious and witty as always! but...

"Until now, that is, because she reads my blog. Crap."

I think this actually made me snort!

[Megs]

I loved every word of this. How did you get inside my head and channel all my thoughts?

[BOSSY]

Bossy thinks she can remember shopping and cute new things.

[Victoria]

I am SO totally with you on the gas thing. Last month I got an oil change and they put some fuel injector thingy in and told me I should wait until the last possible moment to refill to let it do its magic (or something) and I panicked for the whole last quarter tank and then fled to the closest gas station when that light came on. I was shaking I think. Two days? Brave, brave woman.

[Marie]

Hehe Years ago, a friend was trying to discourage me from taking a solo cross-country road trip, saying, What if you run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, alone? I looked at her like she was crazy. She said, Oh that's right; you never run out of gas.

My husband is on the opposite end of the spectrum. His Honda gets such insanely good gas milage that every time I hyperventilate about his needle sitting on empty, he says--Relax. I have another 45 miles to go! Drives me nuts, even if I know it's true.

[Kara]

There's a mall like that in Schaumburg, Illinois. I went there while in Chicago a few years ago, and I thought I would never get out. This mall has two, three, or four levels, depending on which area you're in. So you might be on level three wanting to get back to the entrance where you came in, except that you don't realize that the entrance you use only exists on level two, and to get there you have to back to the other end of level three, down to level two, do a brief dip to level one, back to level two, and walk all the way to the end. Anyone else been completely defeated by this mall? It about killed me.

[Teah]

You're going to think I'm nuts, but I'm new to your blog (I found it when you got nominated for that bloggy award thingy) and...I studied interpersonal communication in school. (I know, I know...total geek, right?) Anyhow, that "BFF! BFF!" voice is technically "attraction", just not the sort you felt when you met your DH. That's a social attraction. You can also have...I don't know what to call it. Business attraction? That's when you meet that boss that you would kill to work for.

So there you go - your geekiness for the day. By the way, when I get that voice when I meet new girls sometimes...I usually invite them over about once a week until they have no other friends left and can't possibly ignore me. Then they're all mine! Mwuhahahha. Mission accomplished!

[babelbabe]

and here I am writing a post about how I have no energy to make new friends. You make me feel shriveled in the soul : ) I AM Ukrainian though...but born here. Does that count for anything?

[Tammy]

"5. I am a terrible person. Who deserves to be abandoned in the mall."

Oh, man. This just gave me a flashback to an A.S. Byatt story where THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS. A woman gets separated from her tour group at a megamall in some Asian city, can't speak the language, goes slightly nuts, gets mugged and dishevelled (causing the security guards to decide she's a crazy bag lady), and as the story ends, seems to be hunkering down to live in the mall forever. IT'S NOT FUNNY. That story gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

"Has anyone else noticed that all Ukrainians in America have identical, delicious personalities: smart, caustic, and mildly supercilious towards everyone and everything they see? I'm suspecting it's the combined effect of Soviet-era cynicism and fatalism, plus the radioactive soil in which they grow their vegetables. All I know is, they're so cool and smartassy that I'm wanting to move to Ukraine..."

This awesomeness also radiates from Russian Jewish chicks. I get lightheaded in their presence.

[Jessie Mae]

I fear I may be even worse with the gas thing. If the needle gets to about the half way point between half tank and quarter tank, I become absolutely convinced I cannot drive, say, three miles to the vet's office. On the other hand, this leads to me getting a lot of walking exercize.

[Lisa Milton]

Too perfect. And it's not weird, this wanting to runaway with a mom thing, unless of course you did actually eschew hearth and home - that might be awkward.

[jozet]

I think it is very important that one should be open about one's blog to new friends.

Sort of a "Here is me and all of me and this is as crazy as it gets, which is pretty crazy." And then they either say yes or no, and if it's yes, you know you're home free.

BTW, I had a space time fabric thingy with my kyes last week. I think I wrote about it, too. It's very...unsettling.

[Priya]

Number 6 stuck quite a chord with me. I usually go to the mall with images of those girls from Clueless running through my mind, you know, "we are young, we are free..." and then three hours later I can be found in the fetal position behind the Helio stand - having purchased nothing. I'm no match for those preteen Daddy's Girl t-shirt wearing jailbaits. Bah.

[Rae]

This comment track took a few very interesting curves. Wow. For me the girl crushes happen with women who are old enough to be my mother, who have kids who are my age or a little younger. I'm all trying to be cool, but inside I'm shrieking, "APPROVE OF ME! TELL ME I'M DOING A GOOD JOB! BE MY MOMMY!"

Kind of sad, huh?

[Amy]

We have one of those cars that has a thing that tells you how many miles to empty. It will say "LOW FUEL LEVEL" until you press this button to find out exactly how low after it gets below 30 miles.

This is my husband's favorite thing to test, besides me.

The day we got in and cranked it up and it was all "0 (zero!!!) miles to empty" - OMG - I hyperventialted for a mile. He did this endzone dance when we got to gas station while I died a little.

[Ree]

Currently interviewing new BFFs in the Ann Arbor Michigan area. I can offer a mall with the space/time continuum rips, an H&M AND one of those pretzel joints where they flip pretzels into cinnamon and sugar.

I also drive until the light comes on and beeps continually.

[superblondgirl]

I do the same thing with the gas tank, but I have also stupidly run out of gas more than once. This year.

That's kind of embarrassing to admit, actually.
I need a new BFF. Anyone in New England and feeling lonely? This is my hawt personal ad.

[Sarah]

What a great post! I thought I was the only one who had those crazy thoughts when out in public!! and with new friends! Thanks for the insight into your wonderfully, layered brain. :)

[bitsy parker]

So unfair that you can shop at H&M. I can only buy those GREAT looks and deals on trips.

[loulou3]

Has anyone else noticed that all Ukrainians in America have identical, delicious personalities: smart, caustic, and mildly supercilious towards everyone and everything they see? I'm suspecting it's the combined effect of Soviet-era cynicism and fatalism, plus the radioactive soil in which they grow their vegetables. All I know is, they're so cool and smartassy that I'm wanting to move to Ukraine..."

"This awesomeness also radiates from Russian Jewish chicks. I get lightheaded in their presence."

Too true!

[Jessica]

Tears! You made me laugh so hard there are tears. Ahhh. Thanks. Needed that.

[Summer]

Don't you talk about H&M that way! The clothes are neither stupid nor cheap -- well, they are cheap, in a not-expensive way, but they don't fall apart as quickly as the price would suggest. At this second I am wearing an H&M t-shirt that is at least 5 years old, and except for some grey-ing of the black it's still in great shape, and yesterday I was wearing my 11-year-old bought-in-London-before-H&M-came-to-America velour drawstring pants that just WILL NOT DIE. Ok, I was wearing them to paint, but they're 11 years old, and they don't have holes. I loooove H&M, even if they think I'm a size larger than Old Navy says I am.

[andrea_frets]

I do the exact same thing and then I worry about being too pushy or overly aggressive with the new friend thing. Then I try to be all cool, which I suck at, and it hopefully turns out all right in the end.

And falling belong a quarter of tank is NOT. O. K.

[andrea_frets]

I do the exact same thing and then I worry about being too pushy or overly aggressive with the new friend thing. Then I try to be all cool, which I suck at, and it hopefully turns out all right in the end.

And falling below a quarter of tank is NOT. O. K.

[Sarah Brown]

You are such a good writer, Bradley.

[falwyn]

I just read your post to my husband. To which he responded, "I want to go to her mall."

Ah, the allure of fishing boats and Old Norse.

[cardiogirl]

My absolute favorite line from this post has to be:

"And this mall featured several tears in the fabric of space and time, so you would walk over to Section A and then suddenly you were on a fishing boat and everyone was talking in Old Norse."

So glad I found you through BlogHerads.

[Julie]

I do love that thing, that BFF! BFF! thing, but recently I keep feeling it when reading blogs, which just makes me sad because (a) I will never meet computer people and (b) I feel like I should be making BFFs in real life, not computer life, and the fact that I am all wanting to be friends with computer people seems as sad as, well, standing in front of Old Navy and using the mall wireless to shop the Old Navy website instead.