Hey, kids! It's Alice's Tips for Living!

Let’s say your doctor somehow tricks you into scheduling a physical. He asks you when the last time your physical was, and because you're me, you say, "Uh, high school?" And then he recommends that you schedule one, pronto. He doesn't think it's so funny when you say, "But I get those, what do you call them, vagina physicals! Isn't that enough?" Actually he does think that's kind of funny. You like your doctor. But he walks you to the receptionist and asks her to schedule your physical, because he knows you'll run away otherwise. Dick.

Let's jump ahead to the physical, because this post is sort of dragging, already. Okay, so during the physical you mention to Dr. Charming that you can't actually, how do you put this, hear, and he looks into your ears and explains that the reason you can't hear is because you've apparently melted several candles and pumped their molten remains into your canals. In other words, there's a lot of wax. Now your readers are grossed out that they know this about you, but then, you've already discussed your peeing problems in great detail, so what the hell.

So your doctor begins to root around inside your ears--way deep inside, probably into the brainpan--with an instrument. From the way it feels, you're guessing it's an ice pick or a crowbar. And then he says something like "whoops."

"Whoops?" you say.

"The skin sort of pulled a little bit, and there's some oozing," says the doctor. "Let me just clean that up for you."

By "oozing," he means "crazy bleeding," which you can see very clearly from the numerous cotton swabs inserted into your ear and then removed when they've become saturated. Your doctor seems mildly horrified. There are many q-tips. He is apologizing. A lot. You're too busy worrying about that tetanus shot he mentioned to care very much. You fool!

After the shots (ow) and the various other ridiculous procedures you're put through, the doctor mentions that he's going to prescribe an antibiotic for your ear. "It's probably not necessary, but do it anyway," he says. "And don't try to clean out your ears, or, you know, go in there with anything. You really don't want that to get infected."

So now that all this has occurred--TO YOU--here are my handy tips!

DO NOT: wonder, the next day, if there's a big ol' scab inside your ear.

DO NOT: decide it's okay to get in there and find out. That is both disgusting and unclean.

DO: Get that prescription filled.

DO NOT: think that a little throbbing and itching is probably just "healing."

DO NOT: wait for the pain to escalate out of control before fishing the wadded-up prescription out of the bottom of your purse.

DO: thank your husband for running out to the 24-hour pharmacy for you as you claw at your ear, weeping.

I hope that I have helped you, in some small way.

Comments

[Bikini]

Well, as sorry as I am that you had to go through that, think of the NaBloPoMo fodder!

[choice]

Ewww. Owwww. Ewwww. Owwwwwww.

[kate]

frick!

[tulip]

I am repulsed and horrified FOR you but I can't stop laughing. I am a bad person.

[Janssen]

Only you could make it sound amusing to have a doctor pull half your ear out and then have it infected/inflamed/painful. But seriously! It sounds so funny when you say it!

[rye]

Oh dear. I can't hear either. But now I'm afraid to find out why!

[Karen Vogel]

Hey, I used to have an uncle who would pull marshmallows out of my ears. It didn't hurt, though.

[dd]

:( Here's hoping yours didn't turn out like mine - I ended up with some hearing loss in my left ear because of an infection!

[jules]

The only thing I can think of that would be worse than this horrible experience for you is for the doctor to have said, "Whoops" while he was performing a "vagina physical".

I hope you feel better soon!
Jules
House of Jules

[The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet]

That sounds downright disgusting..but I agree all that pus and dead skin and excruciating pain will make for great posting tomorrow. The more pus and drainage in your blog the better!

[Torrie]

I always learn something here.

[srah]

What's the doctor doing digging around in your ear, anyway? I thought you weren't supposed to stick anything smaller than your elbow in there.

[Deb Abramson]

I love the "vagina physical." I just keep picturing labia with weights and a sweatband.

[All Adither]

Oh, you poor thing with your bladder and your ear and your vertigo and your headaches...it's been quite a year for you.

[Beth]

Owie!!! And yes, don't go putting anything inside your ear, except if you're a doctor and doing it to someone else. :-/ There are much gentler ways to remove ear wax than to go poking at it with an instrument. What the hell was he thinking?

[lulu]

You have such an amazing way of making me laugh so hard at things the rest of us brush off as 'mundane every day living'. So sorry you are hurting and hope it gets better soon!

[Anne]

So does this guy have one of those... what do you call them. You know, that piece of paper that someone signed... you need one to drive a car. Oh yeah, a license! Does he have one of those? And if he does, did it come out of a box of cracker jacks?

[Keri]

Seriously? I mean really, seriously? This is horrifying. I'm grossed out and laughing and disgusted and horrified.

I'm sitting here suffering yet ANOTHER uti, bladder, kidney thing myself... considering going to the doctor for more gawddamn antibiotics but not wanting them. And thinking helz no. Not now. Not with this story out here. I didn't want to go in the first place and now? huh uh. no way.

Feel better soon.

[DM]

Oh dear. And here I was wondering why I seem to be suffering from hearing loss. I thought it was just because I turned 40 and God decided that I had lived long enough and thought "Hey, I know what would be fun. Let's make Dana's body fall apart. Yay!" Maybe I too decided to melt candles in my ears!

[dianne]

Jesus. All better now?

[Note to All My Body Parts: You will be seeing your respective doctors over my dead body.]

[Lori]

Good grief! Do you still think he's your friend?

[BOSSY]

Well at least the whole ordeal didn't cost a few hundred dollars. Oh wait...

[jennifer Kashak]

Still liking your doctor?! I'd be putting that fun little instrument into another crevice.

[Ree]

Yea, what Tulip said. Snort. Snirk. Honest, Alice, I'm trying to hold it in. But, oh you poor thing, and yet, that was too funny.

[alice]

As a person who has experienced many years of this particular problem, I can assure you that most doctors use the pokey thing, and this is not the first time there was bleeding. And my doctor is so nice! Shut up!

[saucygrrl]

Oh ow! I've known a couple of people with the whole wax build-up thing. I went to my Dr to get it check out myself, as it turns out though, it's just selective hearing on my part.

I hope your ear gets better.

[AEMom]

Note to self: NO drinking and finslippying at the same time.
Alice: Between your ear and George and the cat I have spent far too much time wiping off my monitor this week. I hope you are feeling better today but seriously -- I love all the posting you have been doing this month. You are truly the funniest blogger on the Internet. I heart you.

[Strizz]

That does not sound fun, but is your doctor hot?

[Marie]

I am convinced that I have huge hunks of wax in my ears, but I have not been motivated to try to do anything about it. If I were braver, I'd try candling or ear cones or whatever you call it. Ear infections are no frickin fun, I know that. Hope yours mend up soon.

[Juju]

"Ooops"??? - definitely something you don't want to hear from your doctor.

My daughter has same thing - and we do ear drops each night. Get them OTC. Seems to be helping. No more pokey thing at the doctor.

[Amy B]

So the whole plugged up ear thing used to happen to me regularly. You can actually buy drops (Murine) at the drug store that sort of foam a little when you put them in your ears. You just put a few drops in, let them sit for a few hours, and then take one of those baby snot clearing bubble syringes and flush out your ear over the sink. It's totally gross what comes out, but no bleeding and/or pain are involved. MUCH less traumatic.

[shannon]

brainpan. good one.

[Amy]

Ouch, wow, yikes! I'm cringing in a corner...

[TheLuckyGal]

Brainpan?

That, unaccountably, keeps making me giggle.

[Ginny]

The things you do to entertain us! Mercy!

[Isabel Kallman]

damn, you know how to tell a story.

[Robin in San Jose]

I once heard a funny comment from the radio doctor, Dr. Dean Edel. He said that in medical school they taught students to never say "oops" should they mess up. Instead utter a soothing and slightly satisfied, "There!"

[Monica]

Try ear candling, its the weirdest thing ever but it totally works and involves no poking or bleeding. The amount of wax that comes out is ridiculously gross and amazing. Its completely painless. Some spas offer it as a service now if you're not comfortable lighting that thing sticking out of your ear on fire yourself.

[Kizz]

You can also make him send you to the specialist ear doctor who uses either a whooshy water thing or a suction doohicky (yes, the technical terms) and reduces the liklihood of peeling away parts of the inside of your ear. It's still gross, though, but you probably already figured that out.

[Ellen]

Hearing=Good!
Bleeding=BAD!
Opps!=Really BAD!
Laughing=Bad!
no, Good!
Sorry!

[Julie]

Jeez, Alice. The lengths you go to for blog fodder during November. It's sick, really. And blaming it all on your nice, sweet, non-malpracticing doctor, well that's just plain mean. And unnecessary.

[midlife mommy]

At least your doctor cares. When I went for my annual physical last year, he asked me why I keep coming. Because, you know, that annual OB/GYN physical is sufficient. And I only need to come back every 2-3 years until I reach 50. It made me feel like a moron, because I thought the OB/GYN was really not interested in the big picture. But, lazy me, I still haven't found another internist. You know, one who actually values my coming in.