The Festive is upon us.

Hey, I know you've been wondering what my neighborhood looks like, all lit up and Christian in the holiday season, so here you go:

There you see Crazy Joe, the guy who reads the paper all night long, no matter how cold the weather. I'm over on the right, skating my little heart out. Henry's in the newsboy cap, throwing himself at the camera lens. And in case you're wondering why that building is emanating an unearthly glow, well, we don't ask questions, round these parts. We just avert our eyes and we keep on skating.

I tricked you! What! That's not my town at all. Yuletide Fool's!

(Yes, that's right. Jesus loved a good prank.)

So among the Christmas decorations my mother foisted upon me—I mean lovingly offered—was my parents' famed Winter Village, a collection of ceramic figurines and buildings and teeny tiny lights that they hauled out at Christmastime. I balked, because after all, the Winter Village! That's a big commitment to, you know, tiny ceramics. It's a hop and a skip to Hummel figurine collecting, after this. But my parents insisted. The Winter Village is meant for the children, they shouted, to see the wonder and delight in their little angelic faces, and children don't come around their house much anymore, unless it's to ring the doorbell and run away screaming I TOUCHED OLD MAN BRADLEY'S HOUSE BLAAAAARGH.

So we put up a mini version of the Winter Village on our mantelpiece. We don't have a flat surface large enough for the entire Winter Village community, the Winter Village nursing home and Winter Village cell-phone store and Winter Village Great Wall of China. Also our cat wants nothing more than to walk across a table, chucking delicate figurines onto the floor with one swipe of her deadly paw. And she hasn't figured out how to reach the mantelpiece. Yet.

Here we have Santa, sitting on his giant Ice Throne, wondering why no one is coming to greet him. "They all like that smaller Santa right in front of me. Who would put one Santa right in front of another? Probably a Jew," he's thinking, and he would be right. A Jew who cursed a lot and wondered how he got himself into this mess, marrying a Catholic, installing her Norman Rockwell diorama in order for her to better praise Jesus.

After Scott finished cursing and arranging, Henry announced that we had to "do the festive." This apparently meant turning off all the non-Winter Village lights and sitting together on the couch, while Scott sang "do the festive!" to the tune of "The Hustle" and Henry held forth about the Universe blowing up with one push of his self-destruct button. So pretty much it was a dress rehearsal for Christmas.

Do the Festive!

Comments

[Sonja]

Great. Now I have The Hustle in my head. Ta-da-ta-da-ta-dadadada...

[jules]

"The Hustle" has been used for many-a-song replacement in my house to delegate chores, including "Do the Dishes", "Do the Laundry" and "Do the Drinking". Wait, all except that last one, because see, that one is just for me.
Jules
House of Jules

[Tammy]

Do the Festive! Heh.

Tonight, my toddler was chatting with his grandma, my mother-in-law, on speakerphone. She asked him who was going to be coming down the chimney soon. His angelic little face lit up, and he shouted, "The Grinch!"

She missed seeing him drop to the floor and start slithering around in his best Grinch impression, but old people probably don't need to see that kind of stuff.

[NGS]

I second Sonja's comment. Now I have "The Hustle" in my head. Please make it stop!!!!

[Vanessa]

That's a magnificent Ice Throne. I'll bet Santa's testicles are popsicles. :)

[Vanessa]

That's a magnificent Ice Throne. I'll bet Santa's testicles are popsicles. :)

[Vanessa]

Aargh! Wouldn't you know that the one time I screw up and double-post, it would be when I was poking fun at Santa's nads?

I'll just slink away now.

[Kelley]

Great...now I have the Hustle in my head, AND I am picturing what Santa has in his OTHER sack.....Festive, indeed!

[TheQueen]

Talk about product placement - is that a Winter Village White Castle behind Santa? The lettering on the sign suggests it is.

[Assertagirl]

You made me laugh out loud, alone in my kitchen before six a.m. with this post. Thanks!

[Anne Prince]

SNORT!!!!

Brilliant post today!!

[ozma]

Oh, your husband helped you Christmas decorate. Now that's loved. Even were my husband not Jewish, I would probably not be decorating in any way, shape or form. But it's kind of a good excuse if you don't pay any attention to the mountains of religious artifacts and Virgin Mary nightlight, etc. scattered throughout my home. But your post makes me realize my kid really WOULD find that kind of thing magical. So I am depriving her, a bit until she gets to Nana's house. She would build a little ladder to get up to your mantel to see that thing in all its glory. I hope your cat doesn't figure out how to do that.

[Chookooloonks]

DO THE FESTIVE!

Sonja might have the song in her head, but I also have the *dance.*

right toe forward, forward,
back, back,
forward, back, side, KICK!

left toe forward ...

Yeah, that's right. I hustled. I was the Hustle Champion of the the Kingwood Middle School 7th Grade dance.

Watch out, now...

[Chookooloonks]

DO THE FESTIVE!

Sonja might have the song in her head, but I also have the *dance.*

right toe forward, forward,
back, back,
forward, back, side, KICK!

left toe forward ...

Yeah, that's right. I hustled. I was the Hustle Champion of the the Kingwood Middle School 7th Grade dance.

Watch out, now...

[Waiting Amy]

Oh I so love to hear how the other Catholic-Jewish families do the festive! Lucky for me, I leave all the Christmas stuff to my parents and we go there. So my only challenge is remembering to buy candles for the menorah.

But my little guy would definitely love to have his own Christmas village. Hmmmm.

[Twice Five Miles]

Wow, I can't wait until my little boy gets here. If he says half the funny things yours does, I'll die of happiness...

[Michelle]

Crap...now I will be singing "Do the Hustle" all day with an occasional "Do the Festive" thrown in.

[Suebob]

"Do the Festive" is the best thing I have heard all season. Thanks. Maybe we will play it at our Festivus celebration.

[Sarah Brown]

My mother has a very elaborate Snow Village that lives on top of the closed grand piano lid, one that involves mirrors for ponds and encyclopedias to create hills, and I have to admit, even at 30, every year I look at it and decide which house would be my house.

However, that throned Santa is some creepy shit.

[Pretty Rambo]

TheQueen, I'm happy to report it's not a White Castle-- if only because the TINY SQUARE BURGERS would have driven me bat-shittier insane than I was already.

[DM]

I also can Hustle. They made us learn it in Junior High, along with Square Dancing and the Waltz. So as you can imagine, I'm just great at the parties.

I can not hear that song without doing the dance, even if I am in public, much to the embarrassment of my friends. But Chookooloonks, I'm confused. We didn't kick. We clapped. Is there another version of the Hustle out there?

[DM]

I also can Hustle. They made us learn it in Junior High, along with Square Dancing and the Waltz. So as you can imagine, I'm just great at the parties.

I can not hear that song without doing the dance, even if I am in public, much to the embarrassment of my friends. But Chookooloonks, I'm confused. We didn't kick. We clapped. Is there another version of the Hustle out there?

[jaelithe]

And here I already sent out my Xmas cards. They should have said, "Do the Festive!"

They should have.

[melissa]

oh that my husband were jewish! between my parents and my in-laws they have the entire dickens village metropolitan area, and i dread they day they foist it upon us.

[jaelithe]

And here I already sent out my Xmas cards. They should have said, "Do the Festive!"

They should have.

[Jen]

Oh my hell. My mother in law has a setup just like that, and once a year I endure HOURS of torture in setting it up. I am glad someone else posted pictures of the experience too!

[Jen]

Oh my hell. My mother in law has something very similar and I spend HOURS every December arranging the stupid thing, which has kind of exploded all over her living room. She even has a church with an obnoxious nativity scene out front. Gak! I hope I never inherit it, yet I want to torture my own children with the same thing.

[Janet]

Ooooo. A new Christmas tradition. Do the festive.

[witchypoo]

Henry was just exactly right. Do the festive is so non-denominational, as is a winter village. Unless you live in Trinidad or somewhere with no snow or ice ever.
But anybody can Do the Festive. (and now it's in my tiny little brain too)

[debl]

Obviously the building is glowing that way because it is on fire. And nobody is calling 911 because the fire smells good and makes the village square seem so cozy.

[elise]

Your family sounds like the very best.

[sarah]

Just wait ... your cat will figure out how to jump onto the mantle. My mom has a great picture of her cat "playing Godzilla" by walking carefully through the winter village. Surprisingly, Niko (the cat) hardly ever knocks the people over, though she will steal her favourites.
(Just like she steals only her favourite ornaments off the tree ... or nuts from the bowl ... yes, she's part squirrl)

[Candy]

I, too, have a lovingly collected Winter Village that I am as over as December 26th. I loved it when I wanted it, and we have put it up every year for the last 20 years, but my god the SPACE. The CAT. The small breakable PIECES. I tend to glare at the boxes now until my husband decides where HE wants to put it. I'm sure I didn't expect to despise it when I started collecting it. But it's so needy.

[babelbabe]

you made me laugh out loud.

and that throned Santa's VERY creepy.

and I am singing "Do the Festive" to the tune of the Wiggles' "Do the Tiger, Do the Elephant..." song. Thanks a whole bunch.

[Bipolarlawyercook]

Thank goodness Christmas now has its own version of the hokey pokey.

[Manic Mommy]

Must...get...Hustle...out...of...head...Repressed images of my mom and other neighbor moms learning The Hustle in my livingroom.

Will try: "Bringin' festive back, bringin' festive back"

[Mauigirl]

"Do the festive" - I like it. Does it go with the great Seinfeld holiday of Festivus too? Because I like the idea of Festivus.

Right now I'm in an in-between mood about doing the festive. One half of me says "Of COURSE you're putting up a tree! It's CHRISTMAS!" and the other half of me is saying "But it's only a week away! It's practically too late!" And I don't do an adorable porcelain village but I do put up my trolls. Which are not up yet. Sigh!

[braine]

"Do the festive?" Why has Henry joined the War on Christmas?

[Thea]

Oh no. My parents have a Winter Village, and it just occurred to me that they might, one day, "loving offer" it to us.

The thought is chilling.

[Dawn]

Gah! Now I will have "Do the festive!" in my brain all through Christmas.

Which might be a better option that what's on the radio...

[qwyneth]

A restaurant by my house has a winter village set up. Except, they added toy soldiers in various places around the town, holding people up and getting in firefights. One of them is positioned so he's lugging a tiny champagne bottle. Best winter village ever.

[qwyneth]

I should also note that my 8 year old thought the soldiers were *hilarious*. You should add some toy soldiers to yours. You know, for the children.

[martha]

All I can say is, WOW.

[iris]

I feel it necessary to add that my parent's Christmas village has suicidal pigs.

Little tiny pigs that stand on the ledges of buildings or in front of cars or ON cars.

It makes the holidays a wee bit more festive.

[mandy]

So awesome! I am totally singing that song tonight when I plug in the Christmas tree lights.

[She Likes Purple]

Sounds like the kind of moments lives are made up of :)

[Kimberly]

I have the same Crazy Joe, except in my town, he was known as the angry pharmacist. My (now ex-) husband is a pharmacist, and hated his retail pharmacy job. I have a drugstore in my town, and I always put that bench in front of it, featuring the disgruntled pharmacist who was always looking through the want ads for a new job.

And when I was a kid and we put out our high-falutin' Sears brand nativity set, I used to put the wee plastic sheep on the roof. What...there's no "ninja sheep" in the Bible?

Do the Festive!

[Mignon]

We have Crazy Joe too. Although ours is drunk and keeps falling off his bench. Or maybe he's dead and rigamortis allows his to still hold tightly to his newspaper?

Your pictures make me want to go mess with our "The Festive."

[dorothy]

My MIL has a winter village, a summer village, and a few Hamptons houses in her kitchen. I always pretend to almost break them so I will never have them foisted upon me.