The worst that could happen.

1. I am driving on the highway and start to panic. The force of my panic is so great that it causes my car to lift into the air. Looking around me, I see that the other cars are also levitating. Now that our cars are in the air, none of us have any control over our direction or speed, and we hurtle higher and higher skyward, smashing into each other repeatedly. As we leave the earth’s atmosphere, I can hear the other drivers screaming, "Why, Alice, why?" before we all blow up.

2. Because I never got my son to eat more than four foods, he grows up--if you can call it that—to become a shred of a man, unable to find love, hold down a job, or walk down the street without breaking something. "The saddest part," his doctor tells me, "is he’s just aware enough to know what you did to him. That if he had only had a few more nutrients in his system, he could have been someone." In fact, Henry writes a memoir called "What Could Have Been." The New York Times declares it "terribly written, lacking in style or subject-verb agreement, that is nonetheless a grueling condemnation of possibly the worst mother the world has ever known."

3. After my haircut, I tip the woman who washed my hair, only I accidentally tip the wrong person. "What the hell is this crap?" the other hair-washer demands. "Why would I want money from you, complete stranger?" The woman whom I meant to tip bursts into tears because I have made her feel like less than a person. She runs out the door and straight into traffic. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE," screams the salon owner. Everyone in the salon, clients and staff alike, beat me up. The next day the headlines read, "Alice Bradley is a Thoughtless Jerk." We have to move.

4. Afraid of tipping the wrong person because after all they all have the same damn hairstyle, I leave without giving money to the hair-washer. A ritual murder-suicide ensues. The note makes it clear that it was my fault.

5. I fail to take proper care of my yard. The earth spins off its axis.

6. I allow Henry to watch an extra half-hour of television while I nap beside him. The show turns out to be a PBS special called "How to Take Drugs and Kill People."

7. I forget to take Charlie for his rabies shot. He immediately contracts rabies and jumps the fence. His deadly rampage begins at the playground and ends at a day care center, with a brief stop at the nursing home.

8. I forget about Henry’s checkup. Somehow he also contracts rabies, even though rabies has nothing to do with his checkup. The world agrees that I am responsible.

9. I put off vacuuming for a few days. The next week there is an ABC special report on neglectful mothers. Turns out that Henry’s new friend from preschool was actually an undercover reporter with a hidden camera. As I watch footage of dust bunnies skittering across our floor, I realize that I should have wondered why his new friend was so tall, and carrying around that briefcase. "A little boy has to live in this squalor," the reporter intones. "That is, unless we intervene in time." The doorbell rings. The authorities are here to take me away, along with some cool girls from my high school, who wanted to see what a dirty loser I had become.

10. I go to the supermarket in my old sweatpants. The sight of my baggy-assed sweats renders everyone so desperately sad that half of them die and the other half throw up into their carts and then die. I am a pariah. The pictures of my ass make the newspapers, and the world is thrown into chaos. God gives up on us. He decides to create a better universe, one without hopeless pants like mine. Before He does, He offers me one last chance to apologize and make things right. But when I try to say something, all my teeth fall out, because I forgot to floss the night before. We are all destroyed.

Comments

[=^..^=]

My God. You live in the same world I LIVE IN !!!!

[AEMom]

Goodness Alice! You seem a little depressed. Or perhaps in a doom-and-gloom mood? The holidays making you as nuts as they are making me. Go get a good stiff drink Alice and put your feet up for a bit. You deserve it!
On a completely unrelated note -- am I the only one who can only open the Finslippy site if I check the "turn off pictures" option in IE. If I don't she "Fails to Respond" and crashes. Started about 2 weeks ago.

[braine]

THAT's the worst that can happen? Come on...you're not even trying. For instance? It could have been raining.

[Skye]

I only ever ate four foods when I was a kid, and I only eat about nine foods as an adult, and yet I am healthy and happily married. Don't worry about it.

[choice]

You forgot end each one of those with "and you're on your PERIOD!"

[BOSSY]

You forgot the one about how Your Permanent Record from Elementary school will become Oprah's next Book Club book.

[Zoot]

One of those things happened to me EXACTLY. But I will not tell you which one.

[Anne Prince]

Hmmm....these sound like fever dreams. You know why you are sick dontcha? French kissing the internet indeed! Do you know where it has been????

[val]

oh my, I love those stories, you have a fantastic way of turning a phrase! Val

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Gracious me...you're efficiency in the destruction of lives and property is to be looked upon with fear and awe. Lucky!

[thecasualperfectionist.com]

Well, if that's the worst that can happen, I think we'll be fine. :) Love your blog, btw!

[Lawyerish]

Well, thank God you're out there causing all these disasters of your own, so that the daily catastrophes that *I* cause (i.e., failing to correct a typo, which ultimately causes me to end up disbarred, divorced and homeless; offending our paper carrier with an insufficient holiday tip, which results in the New York Times being plastered with photos and stories from my Roaring Twenties) will go relatively unnoticed.

[hi kooky]

I agree with Anne Prince - these sound like nightmares. Especially the part about your teeth falling out. Here's to sweet dreams, and to you channeling all your wonderful brainwave goings on into a fascinating character-driven novel. I think you could really rock something like that. I'd read it.

[KT]

This is brilliant. If you could call living inside my very own head brilliant. Well done, Alice!

[lora]

I actually pulled my hair lady aside about a year ago and told her that I'd tip her twice what I'd tip a shampoo girl because I can't tell them apart and the horrible anxiety I have at tip time is just gut wrenching.
It stems from the time that I asked girl#1 how her new baby was when it was actually girl#2 who had it and girl#1 just put on 20 pounds for the hell of it since my last cut.
It's really hard to be me.

[Carrie]

In #10, though, if everyone died, you'd have time to run home and change before the mess was discovered. Just make sure you take out the supermarket security cams. No one would ever know it was you. Crisis averted.

[DM]

Wow. My "the worst thing that could happen" is that I'm going to be 90 when I finally meet my true love and will die of a heart attack from the excitement. Somehow my barren, loveless life doesn't seem so bad.

And my God, how you make me laugh.

[Molly]

I love that someone else worries as much as I do and has a better sense of humor about it than me.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

So whenever I started to worry about something (read: HOURLY), I used to try and repeat this mantra I'd read in the Oprah magazine about how you shouldn't worry because it hadn't happened yet blah blah blah and anyway, what was the worst that could happen? You know, it was one of those "inspiring" quotes from a woman with a double-barreled name.

But from this day forth, I shall just repeat these Ten Commandments of yours whenever I start to worry. Sure, they'll take a little more memorizing, but I think they'll do the trick.

[Thursday's Child]

Well, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who's constantly being apocalyptic about everything that happens.

Worse case scenarios are a specialty of mine.

[cat19]

The worst that could happen: I lose my job, my kids, and my home... and Alice stops writing Finslippy, so I have no laughter to help me survive my otherwise destitute life.

[Ariel]

Thank god other people worry as much and as badly as I do...

[Vesna]

Alice, I just had nightmare about overseas trip I'm about to go on, involving me a)forgetting my documents b)being barred from returning and c) insulting my best friend. All while having period (h/t Skye). Take that, baggy sweatpants.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for making fun of your own worst nightmares - you reminded me I can do it, too.
Love, V.

[Lori]

ah, anxiety, my old friend. pull up a chair and suck all the oxygen out of the room.

[LetterB]

Brava! (Hi, I'm compulsively pedantic.)

I think that probably the main reason I never get my hair cut is the paying and tipping anxiety. Crippling! I feel strangely relieved that I am not the only person with this fear.

[tulip]

Oh my god. Finally someone elegantly articulates the anxiety ridden brains horrible thoughts!!! I thought I was the only one. :)
Hugs to you Alice!

[Beth]

Whoah. That is so what panic attacks are like, but way funnier. ;)

[Unruly Duckling]

Maybe you should read up on my adventures with lexapro.

[HeyJoe]

Dear Alice, henceforth to be referred to as "the best damn blogger east of the Pecos", you are the best damn blogger east of the Pecos. I am ashamed to call myself a blogger and will henceforth refer to myself as "the blogger not worthy to clean the Newman-O crumbs from Alice's keyboard."

Pathetically,
Joe

[alice]

Joe, HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CRUMBS?

[Rachel]

I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!

[jeanine]

May I just say how wonderful it is to read your fabulous posts EVERY DAY (except weekends, of course)??? Thank you!

[Melanie at Beanpaste]

A paranoid tour de force!

[Udge]

Wait, Charlie gets rabies shots? Is he a dog? I thought he was your husband.

I'm going to have to re-read some of your older posts.

[Irene]

VERY funny. I know you have heard it before, but I will say it again, you are a very very good blogger. You put me to shame...and almost make me want to just hit the "delete blog" button.

I also wanted to say that my 2 yo eats less than 4 foods and, yes, I have my moments of FREAKING out that something very bad is eventually going to happen to her because of it.

[susie]

for some reason, this makes me think of "the producers"

Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock: [slaps him]
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!

just when you think you've imagined the worst that can happen...

[bephare]

gurrrr, you crazy! :)

[Jessie Mae]

Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes! You have the same kind of fears that I do!

[Heather]

I laughed so hard, I had to stop reading so my co-workers wouldn't hear me!

[LIB]

Thanks for the biggest belly-laughs I've had in weeks!

[TheLuckyGal]

Um ... What about not working out? Or, how about not breastfeeding for one more month / week / day / minute. Or, buying cheap plastic crap toys instead of blowing the college fund on HABA? Oops! college fund!

Surely you're letting yourself off easy ...

No. NO! I am so kidding. You knew that, right? Oh god. Now *I* have to comteplate the worst that can happen by sending dear sweet Finslippy over the edge ...

[dianne]

I think I love you.
So, what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for...

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

I love this. You're having a worse day than I am.

[Meg]

I said this on another blog this week, so this fear is going around. When my boyfriend was a child he ate: frozen peas, rice, ramin, and sometimes balony. He turned out just fine, god knows how ;)

[ozma]

Ah, maybe it's better that we're all destroyed. I mean, the better universe might have been nice but considering the circumstances it's probably best we're all out of our misery now.

[imaginary sarah]

HAHAHAHA.

My worst fear today? The fox that has taken refuge in my backyard will suddenly learn to walk upright and operate doorknobs. The fox will steal my baby and raise Amos as a feral child named Bobo. Bobo will see me again one day, get therapy, and curse the day I ever birthed him.

Or not.

[imaginary sarah]

HAHAHAHA.

My worst fear today? The fox that has taken refuge in my backyard will suddenly learn to walk upright and operate doorknobs. The fox will steal my baby and raise Amos as a feral child named Bobo. Bobo will see me again one day, get therapy, and curse the day I ever birthed him.

Or not.

[Anne]

I knew a guy who I never saw (or heard of) eating anything other than french fries or hot dogs, and he was in his 40s. Somehow he was perfectly normal, too. His kids weren't, but he was. ;-)

[jules]

That was a feat of wordsmithing genius!
Jules
House of Jules

[Lori]

OMG - That is EXACTLY what I have been feeling like lately! Only my mind isn't quite as creative and I usually just get so paralyzed with fear over the unknown that I get my crap done before I have to find out. Sometimes I hit the bottle, too. That helps.