Stinky book.

I returned a book to the library because it smelled bad. Whoever borrowed the book before me had, it seemed, smoked twelve packs of cigarettes while reading it, then rubbed the book into his or her armpits, and maybe some other areas. I didn't want to think about it. (Liar! I wanted to know exactly what happened to this book. Not only did I sniff at it for far too long, I also invited others to smell it. Strangely, no one really wanted to.) The book, incidentally, was "Bel Canto," by Ann Patchett. Not "Smell this!: Inventing New and Puzzling Odors Using Your Very Own Body." It isn't the sort of novel I would imagine might attract a reader who's vehemently anti-shower. But nonetheless.

So I returned the book. I couldn't very well drop it into the drop-off box, because 1) it would infect all the other books with its funk, and 2) the library would think I am responsible. The library is judging, always judging. The librarians get together at the end of the day and mock my book-borrowing choices. Yeah, that’s right, just mine. I know how these things go.

I handed the book to the librarian and explained the deal with the book. "This book has an odor," I said, "and if you’ll smell me you’ll know that the odor did not originate from me. I smell of lavender, with notes of vanilla, while this reeks of unwholesomeness and the grave."

Let me try that again. "Hi, this book smells," I told the librarian. She held the book between two fingers and nodded, tossing it into a bin. The smelly-book bin? "It happens all the time," she said. "I've seen much worse."

"Like what?" I asked her, but she only shook her head. So I'm pretty sure that what she meant is that people poop in books. I'm guessing, here, but I also know I’m right, and that it happens all the time.

In conclusion, smell your books before borrowing them. Maybe shake them out a bit. You'll thank me later.

Comments

[Kyre]

Ack! This was *not* what Ben Franklin had in mind, I am positive.

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

So...I'm not allowed to rub a library book in my armpits, even if I really, really like it?

[Lara]

Ewww....Bel Canto is a great book, but nothing is worth putting up with funk!

[Karly]

Good news! My son knocked over an entire bottle of liquid potpourri and guess where it landed? In the bag FULL of library books! So, no stinky books here. Sticky, maybe. But not stinky.

[The Mom Bomb]

My kids stank the other day, thanks to me. I left the laundry in the wash too long, it got funky, then I thought I could mask it by throwing a wad of lavender-scented fabric softening sheets into the dryer with the load. My kids' clothes smelled like a cross between a French garden and a mildewed gym locker. I'm sure they're suffering psychic trauma.

[Dory]

That's happened to me before. *shudders* What are people doing?! Rubbing their funk directly onto the book?!

Not putting in the drop - excellent call. I would've done the exact same thing!

Those librarians are all Judge-y McJudgerbodies.

[Jennie!]

I worked at a library in high school. Before I started there, someone used to come in and poop in books he thought were inappropriate (such as Heather Has Two Mommies) and then put them back on the shelf. I think he finally got caught and the whole incident was on The Daily Show (before Jon Stewart was the host, unfortunately).

[amy]

EEWWWWW.

This is hilariously funny and super disgusting.

The perfect post I guess.

[Pocklock]

Hahaha. Smelly books are NOT fun. And EWWW to think she's "seen much worse"!

[3 to get ready]

That's too bad. I thought Bel Canto was really good. I hope you found an un-funky copy somewhere.

And in all my book-borrowing days, I don't think I've ever encountered a book that stinky. I used to go to a library where the whole building smelled slightly mildewy, and the books picked up some of that, but nothing as bad as what you describe. I'll have to be on the lookout now.

[becks]

You're hysterical. I once found a piece of processed cheese in a book. Was it an impromtu bookmark? A snack for later? Regardless, it was unwrapped and gross.

[Kathy]

I've seen library books with, I think, bloodstains on the pages. I hope it was only barbecue sauce or someone's cherry popsicle, but after the poop story, blood doesn't seem so awful.

[Alexis]

You're actually not wrong about the judging. It's kind of a routine you get into working at the library. But in librarians' defense, the only way to deal with the people who throw books at you, who dump garbage in the drop-box, and who routinely leave piles of books in the public washrooms (! there was this guy who had this thing about DIY woodworking books...), is to make fun of them.
Otherwise, you risk becoming them.

[Bertha]

The SAME THING happens at our library, but not with books (at least not ones I have checked out), with videos. ALL the movies at the Salem (MA) Public Library STINK of hardcore BO. That whole area stinks and when you bring the movies home, they infect your house and car with their stink. I thought it was just my library, but perhaps there is something common to all libraries that enables this stink to exist. Maybe the tape they use to adhere the little shelf numbers degrades over time releasing the odor? I wonder if we'll ever know...

[mostcurious]

oh wow. eww. worse? Really? Ewwww.

[Beth]

It's funny that you would mention this, as I thought it was a problem only I had. I've actually refrained from checking out certain books because they smelled too musty. Reading may be fundamental, but it shouldn't be smelly. ;^)

[Reverie]

I checked out the same book--it was a Michael Crighton book right???!! I'm presently consumed with guilt--the library was closed when I returned, so I dropped my book down the chute. I live in a small town, the librarians probably think I'm a closet smoker...I wonder how soon they'll revoke my card?

You're a very entertaining, insightful writer--I like your style.

[Joey]

Toilet paper bookmarks - see it ALL THE TIME.

And someone has pooped on our shelves.

Man, I love working at a library.

[LauraC]

I know what's in the worse category.

When we were thinking about trying for a baby, I checked out the book "Choosing Waterbirth" from the Chicago library system.

Every single picture of naked pregnant women was cut out of the book. Even the ones of naked women giving birth. When I realized the pattern, I threw the book on the ground in horror, scared that some CREEP had touched it before me.

I was scared to death to explain to the librarian... who knew me by name!... why all the naked pictures were cut out. She was non-chalant, she said, "I see that all the time."

All the time?! Really?!

[Jen]

Hey! I am out of toilet paper. Why not use the library book that I have in the john?

Wow. I can't stop laughing to think that people poop on books.

[caramama]

In high school, I worked in a bookstore and cleaning the men's room was the job no one wanted at the end of the day. Let's just say that we sold the type of magazines that you have put opaque covers in front of. And sometimes those magazines were left in the bathroom. With presents.

Oh, and sometimes there would be dirty, poopy diapers left on the shelves of the kids section! Really, people! Is it too hard to throw away a poopy diaper?

I imagine the library would see similar things. Gross about the pictures of pregnant women and women giving birth being cut out of the book and pooping directly in books. What is wrong with people?

[Em]

I have a fear that people who used the library books before me marked their pages with boogers. In my mind, they would of course mark their page in the upper corner so I always try to turn the page from the middle of the page or at least the bottom corner.

I hadn't even considered the poop. Now I have something new to worry about when I turn pages. Not only could I be faced with a squished booger but .... I can't even write it. I need to go lie down.

[E]

Aww, jeez...now I can't ever check out a library book without wondering where it's been and whose been handling it. I used to live in a pleasant state of denial--I'm the first person to check this book out, right? Therefore, noone has read it while sitting on the toilet! And I do not have to worry about catching cooties!-- and y'all have ruined my denial. Because now I'm wondering if that there stain is poop. POOP!

[Jenn]

I am active on a couple of library and library science communities. There have been a few discussions about the strangest things found in returned books.
I still think that a piece of uncooked bacon tops the list. And it wasn't even a cookbook!

[Sherry]

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom! :)

[Liz C.]

Wow, Alice! You totally just sounded like "Monk". I'm impressed. Great post!

[merseydotes]

But try again with Bel Canto. It's good and worth a read.

[tsena]

Oh, the smokers! Why can't we just line them up; get them to recite the Odyssey backwards and shoot them?

I am only suggesting this because I am one of them. I do, however, always wear latex gloves while turning the pages of the Unibomber Manifesto.

On a stinkier note, the national obsession with personal hygiene is bordering on the malodorous side of humanity. Agree?

[Suniverse]

Uuugggghhh.

That's why I hate library books. The smells. The mystery stains. The random hairs that fall out.

I love the concept of the library, but only wish they would disinfect the books once they are returned. UNLESS - each person gets a clean, fresh, new copy. Or at least I do.

[Ronna]

I teach at a high school for "at risk" kids. I've had books and homework (Yes! Homework!) turned in reeking of cigarettes, BO, pot, alcohol, and cocaine. It's a wonder they manage to get any homework done at all.

[Jenn]

I worked in a library when I was in college and on summer days, the 600 section all the way in the back of the library always smelled like urine. I hated having to put books away back there and I'll be happy forever that I never had to check any of them out to use.

[Madmad]

People poop in books! Ha - you're hysterical!

But now, of course, I think I'll just buy my books from now on...

[tsena]

An addendum to my previous comment is in order.

Finslippy readers: beware the perils of purchasing first edition books, or God Forbid original manuscripts from the following writers:

Samuel Beckett
Raymond Chandler
Raymond Carver
Ernest Hemingway
Dorothy Parker
Harold Pinter

The list may go on and on. These were all smokers. Hence - their books reeked of this, that and the other banished odour.

No pooping allowed, though. I wonder about the latter. Never the former.

[Kate]

Hey wait! I didn't read all the comments (I'm lazy), but I work in the book industry.

Many printers use a chemical on the books that preserves paper really well, works great 99% of the time, BUT, if the books are stored with moisture for long periods of time, they come out smelling just like rotting corpses.

It happens occasionally on long boat shipments from China, when it was a particularly humid day they were loading up a container.

For reals, we had an entire shipment that was thrown out for this reason a few years ago.

[Jessica]

This post reminded me of my first semester advanced geometry class in ninth grade. My teacher was rather large, wore the same tie depicting Jesus on the cross every single day, and was basically a complete slob. One day he handed back an exam of mine which read "A+ Perfect!" at the top of the page and had what I can only describe as the largest, greenest, stickiest booger smeared next to it. And I had to pretend that I was all happy about it when he congratulated me with a pat on the back. All I could imagine was him wiping snot all over my shirt while he did it. Traumatizing, I tell you.

[Average Jane]

Ewww! Now I don't feel so wasteful for buying books and BookCrossing them rather than going to the library.

[Karyn]

When my husband was little a dog defecated on his library book. In front of his whole second grade class. It was winter so the deposit steamed poetically.

Karyn

[Barbara]

I am violently excited that there are libraries, so we may all read for FREE. I mean, that's astounding, really. That's one heck of a gift! So, I hesitate to share this (not really - I CANNOT wait to share this): I have discovered, to my still-quivering with horror, uhhh horror, a piece of body hair in a volume of simple fiction. And yes, it was body hair, of the nethers area, quite as if Ron Jeremy was at my local branch, pantslessly pursuing the work of Amy Bloom.

[anne nahm]

I cannot deny this wisdom of this post. In college, there was someone who er... Defaced books in the library who got named "The Wacker". I'll leave it to you to guess the origin of his defacement style.

Anyway, he was so prolific that the school actually had to put of flyers with rewards for anyone who could catch him 'red handed'.

[terri]

I have been trying to stop accumulating so many books and the library has been my savior. Now, Yuck, Not So Much any more. What will I do with my budget, my lack of storage, and worse my compulsion to get rid of stuff? The librarian has "seen worse"? Oh lord. And I myself even like to read on the toilet. This is wigging me out!

[Steph]

I recently had a library book that REEKED of cat pee. I too felt the need to explain to the librarian that I'd received it that way. She didn't throw it out, though. She set it aside so they could later use some special "spray" on it.

[mama without instructions]

oh, lady, i have not laughed that hard in a long time. i'm sorry you had to endure such a thing for our humor, but thank you.

[jules]

The worst kind of smell is one that you don't have the choice to scratch before you sniff. (WOW, now that I've typed that out it sounds much worse than it did in my head.)
Jules
House of Jules

[Rivetergirl]

I am super impressed with how many people commented on this entry. We've all had run-ins with the stink, I guess.

Do try to see if the library has another copy. I loved Bel Canto. Patchett's other book, The Patron Saint of Liars, is also wonderful but in a totally different way.

[Bipolarlawyercook]

Lavender, with vanilla notes, eh? I think you need to bottle it and give some to the library.

[Kristabella]

Wow. And ewwww.

And maybe I shouldn't check books out of the library anymore. Because if I got a stanky book, I'd probably barf all over it.

[Little Bird]

Ok, now I'm scared to take those library sciences classes.
What is it about a library that says "poop"? Or is it just books in general? If so, what is it about books that says "poop"? 'Cause, I gotta say that is not the first thing I think of when I see a book. And that is probably a very good thing as I own quite a few books.
Maybe these people don't know what toilet paper is or what purpose it serves. That or bathrooms.

[BookMamma]

Yep. As a former children's librarian in a public library you would not BELIEVE some of the things people use as bookmarks. I've seen condoms (unused thank god), toilet paper, social security cards, tampons... you name it. Mostly airline tickets though.

OUr library did disenfect the really stinky ones however.
Don't give up on the library! A sniff test will do... :)

[hi kooky]

I hate the ones that smell like vomit. Why vomit? My son checked out one recently that smelled of regurgitation and I could hardly read it to him. I remember that sometimes in school the brand new textbooks could smell horrific. (I'm beginning to wonder if it's me.) I was always embarrassed if I opened one during class and had a loss-of-control face when the stench hit my brain. "Oh... oh... oh!" I'd say while fanning my nasal area. No, in case you were wondering, I was not popular.

[TitanKT]

Yep, we're frequent library goers, too, and have, on occasion, come across unspeakableness in the books. Ripped pages are the most frequent and the most tedious and disappointing.

Those mysterious brown smears? Blood? Chocolate? Soy sauce? POOP?!?!?! I don't want to know... I just jump up and go wash my hands and store the thing in my HAZMAT-approved library book bag... wash that thing in HOT WATER with LOTS OF SOAP and BLEACH every so often.

I try never to smell the books. If one EMITS odor, I just put it in the bag until I can take it back. I would never dream of bringing anything from the library close enough to my face to smell it. Ewww.