Here I am!

I went to California for the weekend to honor a boy named Hank Mason, an incandescent being composed of spun sugar and baby Jesus, who completed his first year of sharing our earthly realm. In honor of his birthday, he learned to hover inches above the ground while granting beatific smiles to his adoring followers.

He's a good kid, is what I'm saying. I also saw some other people. They were much larger, and more resistant to me holding them and kissing their necks. Nonetheless, I had fun.

So much fun that I couldn't sit up straight or talk for the first couple of days home. Also I couldn't do anything but curse the day I chose to live on the East Coast. Why don't we all live in California? It's stupid here. Yesterday it was snowing, then sleeting, then raining. Then the temperature dropped and elves emerged from the bushes to buff the ice until all the sidewalks of the Northeast were smooth and deadly. The elves are out to kill us all, so they can live in our houses, and then sell our houses and move to California. The elves know what they're doing. Yes, I'm writing about imaginary elves. You see what New Jersey does to a person?

I'm finally alive today and my son is home from school. He left for school in a cheerful enough mood (once we wrestled with the application of the BOOTS OF DEATH and the MITTENS OF AGONY) but about an hour after he left, the school called. Is there anything more nerve-wracking than seeing your child's school on one's caller ID? No. Nothing more nerve-wracking. I am not exaggerating at all. His legs felt "wobbly," according to his teacher, and because several kids in his class have come down with the flu and they've all exhibited this mysterious symptom of leg-wobbliness, they were "concerned." Basically they wanted him out of there. I couldn't blame them. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

And now he's home. Home, and bouncing around. His wobbliness has disappeared as mysteriously as it arrived! It's a Valentine's Day miracle!

Sigh.

Comments

[amy]

This is definitely the age where they start workin' it.

However, even while (I'm convinced) workin' it a little bit, my son turned up with strep. (no fever! no nothing!)

Doh.

Seriously, nasty things are running through everyone down here in northern va, so i hope it skips jersey!

[Quinn]

My legs feel wobbly. Also, my hair itches and I am filled with a general sense of dismay mixed with procrastination. Could someone please come get me now?

[notjustbarbra]

Oh, that always happens! They are sick, and seem to really be sick, then when you finally decide they shouldn't go to school, they are full of energy! Love that. Sure I do.

[karen]

So glad you're back, Alice! Thanks for the many laughs in today's post. The weather here is getting to me, too. A few years ago, the winter weather had me so down, I found myself jealous of Calista Flockhart after seeing her picture in one of the tabloid mags. Why was I jealous? Because she was wearing a tank top and pumping gas. Let's all move to L.A.!!

[Velma]

Watch out for the rebound sickness! In my house, the scenario is (1) their mild unverifiable random complaints, followed by (2) my begrudging barely-motherly sympathy for most-likely-faked illness, followed by (3) their skyrocketing fever and/or projectile vomiting and "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!! WAAAAAAAH!" at high volume.

(I hope your weekend includes none of the above.)

[Sarah R]

Oh, he so knows what he's doing. What a smart kid.

[Lisa]

As a resident of beautiful perpetually sunny San Diego, I ask, nah, I BEG you all not to move west. The shift in weight could be what finally causes the state to detach and sink into the Pacific Ocean.

[janny226]

DuckyBoy has the Amazing Disappearing Fever trick down pat, particularly right before some event I want to go to or that I really want him to attend. Last night he had a 101.7, then this morning he was fine. Way to fight that infection, body! Valentine's Day is saved!

[Bethany]

I think we have some BOOTS OF DEATH and MITTENS OF AGONY around our house too. Also the popular TORTURE MAX SOCKS and PAJAMAS OF ETERNAL SUFFERING...

[Terry]

Hi Alice- I love reading your blog more than you know. We gave the elves our Pennsylvania house seven years ago and moved to ever sunny Arizona. Best thing we ever did. We have two boys, very, very similar to Henry. They are 15 and 17 now and I could still tell stories about them, but I'm enjoying reading your stories much more instead.

[She Likes Purple]

I imagine you get this all the time, but you're one of the best writers on the Internet.

[beth]

Amazing recovery. My daughter had to check to make sure her 'illness' was not on the day of the Valentines party. She is a Benadryl junkie- please, I am sooooo sick, I NEED the pink medicine. So tempting to just sedate her until spring...

[Anne Prince]

Maybe he was getting into the spirit and was doing the St. Vitus day dance?

[Poppy]

I hear you. In fact, I am you, except my mysteriously unwobbly child is a girl.

They called me yesterday to come get her. Today is Valentine's Day with candy for breakfast, candy after lunch ... she's in her room, humming her little songs, playing with her dolls, having the time of her life.

And? There's no school tomorrow. Or Monday. She's managed to wangle a five day weekend.

I swear I was never this manipulative. Or smart. And my timing, as regards illnesses? Always sucked. I was the kid who got sick on Friday at 3:00 and was completely recovered by Sunday at 7:00 p.m.

It must be all that organic food we're feeding them.

[College Mama]

I live in the East too and I agree. It IS stupid.

[stephanie]

Happy Valentine's Day to you guys!

[wndl]

the best fix for kids faking illness is to put them in bed when they get home. not on the couch with tv, not in their rooms playing, but in bed, resting, period, for the remainder of the day.

my kid pulled one over on me once, and a friend gave me the above advice. the next time she called home from school, i outlined what the rest of her day would look like (in bed!) and she suddenly felt much better.

[Miss Grace]

How come my mom doesn't come get me when MY legs are feeling wobbly? In fact, they feel sort of wobbly right now.

[gwendomama]

i am sorry for you that you do not live in california. it is lovely here today!
we were also blessed with a valentine's miracle today! school was cancelled due to...umm...why???

OHYES! there was some wind!!
and the power was out this morning.
but the power? came back on at 9 am, so we? are experiencing a miracle of the 'why-oh-why was school cancelled on a party and sugar filled holiday?' whining variety - which no amount of 'there will be postponed sugar tomorrow' will placate.

save me.

[Sonja]

That's why I don't have caller ID.

[jules]

Seeing those photos of Hank's Bday only goes to prove that boys are not made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails! Also, you girls know how to have a good time!
Jules
House of Jules

[steph]

School on caller ID? Yep, four times yesterday. Once in a blue moon is bad enough, but four times in one day is heart-poundingly, hands-shakingly yucky. Fortunately it was just about forgotten stuff...a particularly forgetful day.

Love your blog!

[Heidi]

I did my fair share of sickness-fakeage. I remember sticking my head really close to the lamp's light bulb so that I would feel REALLY feverish. Unfortunately, I got caught one time and there went that charade!

[the mama bird diaries]

I ask myself every day why I don't live in California.

Winter sucks.

Are we over the hump?

[Melissa]

::snickering:: We have gnomes that polish the ice so it's all nice and shiny-like here in the Midwest. :)

[Dawn]

"BOOTS OF DEATH and MITTENS OF AGONY"

Ha! We used to have them at my house, too. Now we just have the YOUNG ADULTS WITH HYPOTHERMIA. Which is much easier.

[Tammy]

Ah, the wobbly legs. Kind of sounds like a Winnie-the-Pooh symptom.

[ozma]

I do not understand why people actually chose to settle in this horrid land. I don't understand what I'm doing here. How did I get to this frozen circle of hell?

I lived in California. I LIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO! I know and yet look at me. This makes it all the harder to forgive myself. I wept when I graduated college even though I was still living in paradise. It was like even then I somehow knew an evil university was going to tempt me with a free education and there I would meet a New Yorker and fall in love and be stuck in this godforsaken place forever after.

How did we get here? And why are all these other people here with us? What is wrong with all you people?

I take small comfort from the fact that I don't live in New Jersey. But it's very small, believe me. Please don't disabuse me of this or accuse me of prejudice because it's sort of comforting in some way. And I need something to cling to.

[Laundry & Children]

The other day my daughter's school sent home a letter telling us that several children had come down with Scarlet Fever. When I told my husband he said, "You mean like the Scarlet Fever that made Mary Ingels blind? I didn't even know people got that anymore." I am waiting for the note to be sent home warning that a few of the kids have caught a touch of The Plague.

[superblondgirl]

This is what always happens to me. I go pick him up, thinking "Yay! A day of lounging around in bed! We'll watch a movie and take a nap!" and then he gets home and starts (literally) jumping on my head. I hate children.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Better to be bopping than barfing!

[Stewbie]

Ah yes...the 'ol "Call From The School" (incorrectly title-capped because it deserves to be so). This call often brings on the same feelings as, "Call From The Babysitter." They're pretty much the same. If I see either of those numbers on my caller id, i want to drink vodka. And lots of it.

[Katherine]

More nerve wracking - the ocassional babysitter's number on caller ID during your night out.

[Candy]

Ahh I too enjoyed the New Jersey elves freezing the roads and driveways. So much so, that Thursday morning, at 5AM, while on our way to driving my husband to the hospital for rotator cuff surgery, he hit the icy driveway, flew up in the air, and landed on the same shoulder. So that was fun. Damned elves.

[Tara]

You know, I'm dreading the time where they can fake it. Right now, whether my son is actually "sick" or not is up to the powers-that-be at daycare, and if he's not running a temperature, vomiting repeatedly, or having the runs? He stays. Period! (also, he is still young enough that he LOVES to go to daycare and "see friends," so he wouldn't want to leave even if he knew he could game his way out of there.)

Sigh. Am not looking forward to this stage. Wobbly legs, my a$$. What school nurse fell for that one, anyway?

[Jen]

The strangest thing just happened... I signed up for Vimeo and when I confirmed my email it automatically shot me to a video of you teaching Hank Mason to muddle a Mojito! I'm a fairly new fan of your blog so it took me a while to figure out why I recognized the names Alice Bradley and Hank Mason, but there you have it!