Six is easier, right? Don't tell me it's not.

Dear Five and a few months:

I love you, but you're too much. Can you tone it down a little?

Curious,
Your Mother
---
Dear Mom,

I can smell it down a little. In my butt. I can butt it down a buttle.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Buttle! Butt smell! My butt smells, get it? Like there's a nose on it? Get it? Did you hear that?

Nose butt. Butt nose. Fart fart nose butt smell stink.

Love,
Five and a few months
---
Dear Five and a few months,

I think you lost track of my original request. If you'll recall, I asked you to tone it—
---
Hey Mom! Hey!

TRANSFORMERS! TRAAAANS-FORM-ERRRRRS! Pshhhew pshhhew phssshew! Why don't transformers have butts? Butts that smell? Ha ha ha transformer butts. Know what? I have a new Transformer that I just now made up, and you know what? Do you know what? Know what? His name is Butt-tron! No, wait, FARTRONIC.

Ha ha ha haahaaaaaaaaaaaiiiighhhhaaaahahahaha—

Love,
Five and a few months
----
Dear Five, etc.:

I don't know how you managed to interrupt me while I was writing a letter, but it appears you have the power to do so. You have many powers. Including the power to drive me up a wall. And yet you can be so charming! Truly, you are an enigma.

Cautiously,
Your mother
---
Dear mom:

So you love me, but sometimes I make you annoyed? That's complicated.

Love,
Five and a few months.
---
Dear Five-ish:

See? Like that! All of a sudden you're all thoughtful and calm, like that! Okay! Now maybe we can talk about—
---
Hey Mom!

Remember that time we went to the pool with the sprinkler ? And that boy was there? Remember that boy? That boy whose shorts were blue, he kind of looked like Tyler, in my class, who I like but I'm not friends with or, like, not best friends , because he plays Power Rangers and I don't play Power Rangers, I only play Star Wars at school with my other friends, well, sometimes Tyler plays Star Wars but still he's not really my friend, and you know what? The, uh, the boy, not Tyler but the, uh, the other boy, the boy from the uh, the pool, remember that pool? Well he told me he had this kind of… toy, I can't remember what it's … called, but I think it's like Legos, but not really the same…I don't know. So he has it at his house and could we go there, maybe?

Could we go there now? I think we should go there now.
Five and a few months.
---
Dear son:

We cannot go there now, because I am going to bed. Wake me when Six shows up.

Love,
Mom

Comments

[SpartanFan]

Six and seven are like "Five Light" or "Diet Five - tastes like Five but with less calories." They do tone it down a bit, but the potty humor doesn't seem to ease up. The spastic story telling, rambling tangents and being. intense. about. everything. diminishes slightly. Unless it's Lego Star Wars. Lego Star Wars has invaded our lives and every aspect of every day is compared with a scene in a Star Wars movie, a character in a Star Wars movie or a structure built from one of MANY Star Wars Lego kits sent by Santa (Santa must die by the way). He even compared a three movement classical piece his class listened to in choir class to three different scenes from a Star Wars movie. I don't think his teacher knew what to say.

You put into words what so many of us cannot. Thank you.

[Molly]

If you didn't write like this, you'd really be a lot more pissed off, wouldn't you?

Hilarious, Alice. Thanks

[Frankie]

Oh darling...

Six...

.... is not better. I love my little squishy more than anything, especially when I am squishing his little cheeks...

but if I hear his little 6 year old self tell me ONE MORE #$%# TIME about what pokemon evolved into who and where, complete with role plays demonstrating how their powers "work, right???" then I will be forced to tear off my arm and beat myself with the bloody stump....

Just so we have something else to talk about.

Sigh.

[Rebekah]

On of my best girlfriends sent me here for some laugh-therapy. My son will be 6 in May and if I were half as witty as you, I could have written this post. Down to the kid at the pool/Star Wars/Power Rangers/stupid jokes.

Thank you. I needed to laugh so badly. If I hadn't, I may have just had to rip my own arm off and beat myself with my own bloody stump!

And Star Wars Lego Wars? Ugh! My son begs to go next door just to play with the neighbor kid's video game!

[all things BD]

OMG, so funny. Mine are girls, and it's still all about butts and farts. What IS that?

When that's over, it's all about princesses and Barbie. Endlessly.

[beth]

I am crushed. Here I was hoping five would be better than four.

[Linda]

I've heard that six is ... sixier! I don't really know, coz I just have a dog. He's six! His ball addiction seems to have mellowed a little. Now he's begging for a bigger Chuck-It to attract the younger poodles.

[Tracy]

All we've changed at 6 is that girls are now gross and I am not allowed to kiss him. I negotiated on the kissing front - I am now allowed if we are alone.
But anything butt related - yeah, still hysterical.
And that whole pool thing? Yup. Oh definitely. And when you interrupt because you've missed a key point? Well we start all over again from the beginning. And when he gets to that point again - yeah, I've tuned out again and so... we start all over again...

[Suzanne]

In my experience, smelly butts hold the same level of hilarity for 8 year olds... sorry.

[alanaransley]

Um, sorry to tell you, but six has not proven to be any different. The recent addition of a baby sister may be contributing to that, but things are still the same. One thing I am definitely not liking about six is the extreme amounts of homework that we have this year, and the fighting and negotiating that have to happen in order for it to be completed. Mama is tired!

[SherE1]

Hilarious! I have 3 girls and a baby boy so I get interrupted with Strawberry Shortcake/My Little Pony/Cinderella/Barbie and Hannah Montana/Jonas Brothers/High School Musical (one AND two) non stop! Thanks for the preview of what to look forward to in five years with the baby boy!

[sizzle]

"FARTRONIC" is so totally cracking me up!

[Peppermint]

Yeeeeaaaah...that all looks pretty familiar. You know why? Because it's EVERY CONVERSATION with my seven year old for the past two years.

Which you probably don't want to hear, but misery loves company. I hear more butt talk per day than a proctologist and I don't get paid a dime for it.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

The remember paragraph you wrote?

I am listening to virtually the exact same conversation from my 13 year old daughter right now--only substitute shopping and American Idol and yearbook for Power Rangers, Star Wars and Legos.

It is exhausting!

[Kristin]

15!

Hahahahaha butt 15!

Get it? get it? like fart 15? but butt 15? hahahaha I said but butt!! hahahaha

Yeah. We have a 3 year old here and it's ALL ABOUT THE BUTT. And the fart. And the potty talk. Ha! Isn't it hilarious? I regularly ask her, What are you, three?

Hahaha. Adult humor there.

[bethany]

thank you ... oh i so hear you. he turns 6 next week, my boy does, and i see NO end in sight, just comments -about- the end, the butt, the poop, the pee, the farts ... always and forever and never stopping. i'm bracing myself for 6.

[braine]

I think he'll find six MUCH easier. You'll have given up by then.

[Katherine]

My husband and my 6 year old son have come up with a new policy for our house: whenever anything smells "buttley", Mommy did it. And they know damn well that Mommy most certainly did NOT do it, but OH! It's wildly funny to constantly say she did!

Turns out they never change...whether they're 6 or 38, they're all the freakin' same.

[Rachel]

I, too, am holding out foolish, naive hope for Six.
My Five would have SO much to talk about with Henry. Here's our latest... "Fee, Fie, Fo Fum, I smell someone's stinky bum!" That and the elaborate lies, ummm, I mean stories about the details of his preschool friends' secret lives and how their dads are superheroes, and "Look at me, I'm Flash and I can run so fast you can't see me!" and
Whoops! It's time for the fork in the ear... (That remains one of my Finslippy Favorites!)

[tori]

I would have to say , that it changes but never really gets any better. My boy is now 7 pushing 8 and he still wants to talk about butts/farts/pee/poop ect. Although he now adds in random made up stories of fart storms and cities full of butt people.

[falwyn]

So awesome.

My three year old asked me today what (not how, or where, but what) Transformers poop. He was not (yet) laughing hysterically about it, but clearly we can only go down from here.

[Heidi]

I heart you, Finslippy.

And that's all I have to say.

[Shellie]

Legos AND transformers and Star Wars? My twins would love him. And the potty humor. Try having 4 boys do it all at once. It's like Henry in Sensurround. I think those things like legos may be Neoshifters or Uberstix? Thanks for the laugh.

[brian]

the laughter i get here is absolutely priceless. you are a golden talent and i love what you do.

[Marcy]

Is it possible to simultaneously dread and look forward to the years to come with my newborn son?

[Quinn]

ROTFL! Oh my. I live this every day. Our countdown to 6 is down to less than 2 months.

Normally I too try to diffuse the bathroon humor. Isn't there enough time for that in college? But we were checking out some pokemon cards the other day and one guy looked like a monkey with flames on his behind. I had to share that with my little guy. Look at this one, it looks like flamebutt. (music please) I just turned into COOL MOM!

Love the blog!

[Elizabeth]

My boys are 9 and 11, and it's all about Star Wars STILL. Plus Star Wars Wikipedia, and "Red versus Blue" (a Halo mashup video series, blahblahblah), plus my 11 year old loves to read trivia books, and my 9 year old is learning about Andrew Jackson in school, and did you know he blahblahblah?

I console myself with the fact that soon they will be full-fledged teens and will no doubt stop talking to me altogether.

[Amy]

So is 5 easier than 4? Four at our house is the land of poop and butt and lots of poopy butt.

My son was talking about poopy butt while dining at some family friend's house, and I reminded him that we don't talk about poopy-butt at the dinner table.

My son, the lawyer, answered back, "Oh, right. I can't say poopy butt at the table, but I can say poopy butt in my room. I can say poopy butt in the backyard. I can say poopy butt in the basement. I can say poopy butt in the family room. I can say poopy butt in the bathroom, too."

My friends were counting the number of times he got in poopy butt at the table during his acceptance of how we don't say poopy butt at the table.

[kym b]

My husband is 37 and my son just turned 5, I would say they are about at the same level when it comes to "butt things". I really don't see it getting any better at 6, sorry.

[Kirsetin]

In a few years, you will still have all of the potty humor, but you get to add the pure joy of telling them about where babies really come from (not the hospital), and, in a few more short years, to listen to your sweet boy beg to download "cool" songs that have lyrics like "I'm selling crack cocaine and paying girls for..." Kind of makes you miss the butt jokes.

I was laughing out loud at this post - thank you!

[punchlinewalking]

From this post...I learned that I have the sense of humor of a 5 year old!

[mighty red pen]

The funny thing about rounding the corner to five is realizing we have to go through this all again with his brother (nearly 2).

Great blog! I learned of it reading Wellesley magazine and, as a writer mom myself, have really enjoyed reading your take.

[Candy]

I can say from experience, that the potty humor doesn't disappear...well ever. Because my husband still enjoys it. And he was once 5 and a few months. And isn't anymore.

[College Mama]

I know others have warned you. Heed their warning, potty humor never ends for boys. Mine are 21, 20 and 18 and it's still there. I do however miss those 5-year-old conversations!

[Therese]

As another mom with older boys, I can agree with College Mama. The potty humor does not end ever! One thing to look forward to is the fact that when he's a teen, he will probably not talk much to you at all. Unless grunts, head shaking and eye rolling counts.

[nate]

Verbatim conversation w/ my almost 5 minus 3 weeks) daughter last night:

C: Mama, I don't like you. I don't want you around me ANYMORE.

Me: Oh, okay. (but thinking, yeah, well, sometimes I'm not so crazy about you--especially when you're whining at me without stopping)

C: MAMA! I love you so much! I want you to be next to me ALL the time!

Sigh...

[Jenny]

Six is Five Lite, or Diet five - pure genius, and perfect. And true. Yes, six is easier, but also harder, because damn, now they can READ, and Mommy, what does Go Fug Yourself mean? What are you reading? What are you typing? Who are you writing to? What does fat conservative windbag mean, Mommy? That doesn't sound like very nice talking, Mommy. Mommy, what's a suicide bomber?
And you have to start hiding the newspapers and no more reading over your shoulder and so forth, or they go to school and tell the teacher that Nicole Kidman is botoxorexic. Its a problem.

[ashley]

I'm preggo right now with my first, and thank goodness I have your posts to look to for guidance!! ha!
You are Awesome!!! :)

[Erika]

I'm so glad my son is not the only potty mouth. And I so agree with the one mom who mentioned interupting them. Dare you try, and they have to start all over again. I love them though, when they are sleeping or at school.

[Laura]

I hate to tell you this but I am relatively sure that SIX is the new TWO. My own Farty McFartster just turned seven and I honestly didn't think we would make it through the last year - drama, tantrum, drama, tears.

[Susie]

My son turned 6 in November, and so far it's WAY better. It's like he's actually a person now.

Hang in there.

[complicated mama]

ahh the age of reason. the debating age. i swore i wouldnt put up with that shit but here i am...debating. i am happy to report that at 6 1/2 there may possibly hopefully, i shouldnt say it lest i jinx it, less whining. if there could just be a little less whining and fewer hysterical fits over markers running dry or trying to teach one's 6 year old self cursive.

its so true about trying to interest them in something. or how about trying to introduce an article of clothing that you like but have to play it super cool about lest you give off a whiff of eagerness and the article is doomed to never be worn and will piss you off for years to come. i hate that.

damn your kid sure talks alot. mine told me, at age 3, at the start of preschool when i inquired about his day, "i dont want to tell you." i thought, oh shit, here we go. the beginning of his private life." your lucky he talks to you at all, not that there is any excuse for incessant chatter.

[Captain]

Fartronic was always my favorite Transformer. Never got enough screen time on Saturday mornings.
Sorry. I'm 22 and 3 months, which doesn't lend much hope.

[Becky]

I believe that your 5.few may actually be slightly advanced. In my experience, boys ages 6-9 use humor as a self-defense mechanism (not necessarily an annoyance mechanism) and will continue to talk about smells, butts, farts, poops, death, blood, destruction, etc. for as long as it is funny to their peers (maybe he'll use it more with them and less with you as time goes on). At least there are moments of sanity to look forward to! And pre-pubescence!

[patti]

Six is worse. Way worse.

[Hatchet]

No! Run away from 6. Six and half has ATTITUDE! The foot stomp, terrible table manners and backtalk.

Run!

Perhaps that stuff they froze Han Solo in would be in order? Oh, wait, then I'd be stuck with 6.5 forever. Argh!

[nate]

Hatchet:
But Han Solo couldn't talk! It's genius!

[Leslie]

Wow! So glad I'm not alone in this! I have a three-year-old son and it's all about butts, farts, and his pee-pee. His latest non-body-part/function obssession is Cars. He's Lightning McQueen all the time - in the house when his baby brother is trying to nap, at the grocery store,at pre-school, and even in the car while I'm driving. Nrrrrrr, Nrrrrrr, Nrrrrrr, screeech! It's all I hear when we drive anywhere and he won't stop until the car stops. Ahhh, the joys of children - thank God for Motrin.

[pnuts mama]

argh- from what my sister is dealing with her 6 year old, they just get more argumentative- also more charming in a sleazy lawyer kinda way (no offense to you non-sleazy lawyers out there) but he is also a middle child so there's that aspect.

so you're saying that the humor my 2.5 year finds in her own farts is just going to increase? super.

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

You are not making me feel better about my future. Not at all.