The trauma of Movie Night.

We decided that once a week we'd have a Movie Night. Actually I decided it. This was my stupid idea, conjured up in the name of family togetherness. I pictured Cuddling Under Blankets While Enjoying Popcorn and a Fun Movie. Usually it's more like Henry Watching Some Asinine Video He Insisted On While Scott and I Sleep on the Couch. Family togetherness!

If Henry figures out that there's a movie I want to rent, he will fight me to the death. Heaven forfend that he might get a whiff of the movie somehow being worthwhile. Or educational. He would rather rent the crappy movies from the library, like The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, starring Hal Holbrook (and Dixie Carter!), which we have rented approximately 30 times. He'd choose an instructional video on crocheting techniques, if it keeps me from renting one of those loathsome classics.

I didn't consult him this time. (I'm a slow learner, but I do eventually make progress.) I just went and done rented a movie without even getting his say-so. "Henry, I got us a fun movie," I told him on Saturday morning. Big mistake. What I should have said is, "Henry, I rented a movie that I can't stand, but oh well, I'll just sleep, no biggie." THEN his interest would be piqued. Why do I have such a perverse child?

"Noooo," he whined.
"You don't even know what it is, and you're saying no?" And I'm surprised for what reason, exactly?
"What is it." He glared at me.
"Robin Hood! [The 1938 version, if you must know.] It's got cool sword fights and—"
Oh, but he was already on the ground, wailing. Actual tears fell upon the area rug.
"I don’t even like sword fights," he screamed.
My god, what kind of a monster am I? Forcing my child to witness such a spectacle?
"If you don't like the movie, you don't have to watch it. It's a movie."
He thought about this. "Okay, so if I don't like it, you'll turn it off and we can watch something else. "
"Noooo. If you don't like it you can get up and do something else while we watch."
He threw himself back down to the ground. Not to be able to turn it off halfway through! The agony! I pictured Henry at a movie theatre, standing up on his seat. "ATTENTION. I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS MOVIE. PLEASE PUT ON ANOTHER ONE. PREFERABLY THAT ONE WITH HAL HOLBROOK."

Fast forward to Sunday night. After announcing that he wouldn't watch it, well, maybe he would, but only for a minute; he guessed he could try watching it, maybe, but if he didn't like it he didn't have to watch it, right? Right? We sat down to watch the movie.

Much to my non-surprise, he loved it. (Actually it looked as if he might hate it just to spite me, but his resolve weakened in the first five minutes of the film.) Parents of five-year-olds: rent Robin Hood. Even if your child fights you on it, even as he weeps and shrieks, know that he will love it. How could it miss? There's sword play! Quarterstaff fencing! Errol Flynn, laughing his lusty laugh, his arms akimbo! Makeout sessions with Maid Marian! Henry didn't even flinch at the necking. "They're going to be married," he observed. Yes, son, because once your lips fall onto another's, you are betrothed.

This morning Henry entered my bedroom with something behind his back. "I want to congratulate you," he said, "for picking the bestest movie ever. Here is your Lego guy." He handed the guy to me. "This Lego guy is for you only. No one else can play with it."
"Thanks, Henry. You know what would also be a nice reward? Maybe next time I pick out a movie, you'll trust me."
He looked at me. "Your Lego guy has a special helmet," he said, and ran from the room.
My prediction for next week's movie night: an unsung animated gem starring Hal Holbrook. You heard it here first.

Comments

[shanna murray]

thanks for making me laugh out loud tonight. cheers to you for the good movie pic!

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

That reminds me of my firstborn - he went through a stage when he was 2 or 3 when he would enter the kitchen for dinner, espy food already set on the table, and (regardless of which food it was) yell, panicked-like, "I don't like that!"

[jules]

Well, this is seriously Hal Holbrook's year! First the Golden Globes & Oscars and now Henry's 2-thumbs up! Love it!
Jules
House of Jules

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

This is almost as fun as family movie night with 3 teenagers of mixed gender. By the time you leave Blockbuster you'd prefer to just abandom them in their respective aisles and go to a bar instead!

[effective nancy]

Um, then you need Danny Kaye, like Court Jester or Inspector General, for your next forcing-the-issue night. Oh, such awesomeness. It's like if Errol Flynn is the Bruce Lee of the medieval movie, D.K. in Court Jester is the Jackie Chan.

[S-Way]

Best prize ever to a 5-year-old: a Lego guy that no one else can play with.

[keli]

I'm hoping it's not the claymation Life and Adventures of Santa Claus that's tormenting you, because I love that thing.

[alice]

Nope, this was animation. No clay involved.

[elswhere]

We've had almost the exact same Family Movie Night experience this year! Only my daughter is 7 and her idea of a good Movie Night experience would be watching Harry Potter over and over and over until she gets nightmares.

We've partially resolved the choice issue by taking movie-choosing turns among the 3 of us (actually, we have a completely Byzantine system by which one person picks their top 3 and the other two agree on the movie of the week. Just for extra processing fun). That way I only have to watch Harry or the Olsen twins (in their younger days) every three weeks.

I also found a pretty good list of suggested movies from the Berkeley Parents' Network at http://parents.berkeley.edu/recommend/arts/movies_fam.html . Most of them are available at the library, too, which is nice because in addition to being processing-happy we are extra cheap.

Enjoy!

[Ree]

You are golden. A Lego guy? Geez.

[Angela]

I recently read that Hal Holbrook has a special helmet. Or maybe that was Hal Linden. Something about Barney Miller perhaps?

[all things bd]

So funny. My seven year old girl does stuff like that too. I finally changed tactics. Feign total disinterest and mild distain. And even tell her she SHOULDN'T watch something. Works every time.

[ozma]

GREAT IDEA. You have no idea how tailor-made this is for us. My kid is obsessed with Robin Hood thanks to this cartoon movie we got from the Everything For a Dollar store. She would plotz at a real full length Robin Hood with actual swordfights. The length is an issue for now because when she gets obsessed with some story she has to watch the whole thing from start to finish. But I'm sure that won't be a problem when she is five. She'll be totally obedient when she is five. Right?

[Brian]

1940's The Mark of Zorro with Tyrone Power. Kathryn and her mom could happily spend an entire Sunday with that movie on repeat play.
The twins, upon seeing the case, make the same sound that I imagine Oedipus made just before he blinded himself. Kind of an "Eeewrrraaaaagggigh!" but more phlegmy.

[kristi]

You entertain me. Quite well.

[Laurie]

Thanks to your recent entries, I now remember that ,yes indeed, 5 is the hardest age! My oldest is 20. I don't really remember 5 being that bad with my daughter ( 0 to 2 years were horrible though) but it was definitely the hardest with both of my sons.

[braine]

So that was the problem. We brought home the ANIMATED Disney Robin Hood and he refused to watch it (preferring to watch the animated Disney Sword in the Stone, again (and again)). Shoulda gone with Flynn.

[amy]

Did you read that Wondertime article, too? About classic movies to watch with your kids? We rented "Singing in the Rain" (or is it "Singin'"?) this weekend, with great protests from my daughter. She thought it was great, even had us rewind a couple scenes to watch again. And we didn't have to watch a lame toy commercial disguised as a Barbie movie.

[carrien]

Awww! He gave you a lego! A lego guy with a helmet, for only you to play with. Wow, he must really like that movie. Maybe one needs a 5 year old boy of ones own to appreciate just how sweet that is, but I'd be ferklempt if mien gave me my own lego guy.

He may like Princess Bride if he's not seen it yet:)

I'm a mean mommy and only let mine watch anything on weekends, so I could pretty much hold anything I wanted in front of them and they'd dance up and down yelling, "Really? It's a show day? We get to watch a brand new show?" It's sort of sad and pathetic now that I think of it, but I like being the controlling benefactress.

[Peggasus]

If he liked Robin Hood, he might also approve of 'The Sea Hawk' and 'Captain Blood,' also starring Errol Flynn. Me love him long time...I own the box set of his swashbucklers.

[Sarah R]

Why do we have to subliminally keep convincing kids how much we love them? I am particularly fond of, "Nah-UH," in response to every suggestion made. Now THAT is a classic.

Maybe he'll just get more addicted to Robin Hood? I know, sorry. Wishful thinking.

[Erica]

This made me snort coffee out of my nose! Henry cracks me up : )

[Laura]

It is so nice to know, even though my children are grown, that the things they did seem to be the norm. I also was amazed at the sheer resistance to my being right about anything. They get over this, I promise... or if they don't, then at least the crying and whining stop... for the most part... once they are 20.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

We've started introducing out children to the classics as well. We started with Jaws.

[Michele]

We started movie night a couple of months ago. Now, movie night has multiplied into movie night 3 nighst a week! And, yes, the boy picks all the movies we watch. Yawn.

[snowberrylane]

"Your lego guy has a special helmet" !!! That made me laugh so hard =D

[lizneust]

A big hit in our house is Benji. he best thing about Benji is the total lack of dialogue, which means more napping for the adults and more imaginative interaction for my kids, who keep a running commentary of what is going on in Benji's little brain.

[mar-mar]

um does anyone remember Born Free? Live lions, wilderness, orphaned Baby Lions, humans nursing Baby Lions back to health, true story. We watched it Every Time It Rained in elementary school. i'm hoping my daughter (now 17 mos) will dig it on future winter days when mommy is tearing her hair out.

[mar-mar]

Her own hair! Mommy is tearing her own hair out.
Sorry for any confusion there. (nervous laugh)

[Anne]

I just introduced my daughter to Annie, rendering her slack-jawed with the awesomeness of a dancing bald Albert Finney and singing orphans (C's comment - "was I ever an orphan?" hahaha)

[Pretty Lush]

I don't think my five-year-old could use 'congratulate' in the correct context. Henry's verbal skillz blow me away sometimes.

[jdg]

you have such a perfect voice for these posts. seriously, so funny (and I don't mean that in a I-just-spit-all-over-my-keyboard kind of way).

[Patrick the mom]

Alice, had to comment that your posts are totally reflective of what is going on in our house. I really tried to get the kids to cuddle up and enjoy ye olde Charlie Brown Christmas (took 2 years running to get them to sit still for that), and I have succombed to whatever Nickelodeon, Noggin and Disney Channel are hawking these days--my kids are the king and queen of suggestive sell. Needless to say, "Snow Buddies" and "Backyardigans" movies are on an endless loop on our movie nights.

[beth]

Our family movie night? Flushed Away, over and over again. The best part? How my daughter tells everyone her favorite movie is about a rat getting flushed down his POTTY, as if nothing could possibly be funnier. This goes over especially well when she is talking to one of those 'no TV in my house' moms. Because although they are against TV they tend to approve of potty talk.

[Angie]

Oh, the pressure is on you, girl. The next one better be equally good or you will lose the priviledge of that lego dude.

Isn't it nice to know we do get it right once in awhile?

Best of luck next week!

[sophronia]

I'm going to have to try "Robin Hood." We had our first movie night a few weeks ago, but somehow neglected to notice that the only kids' movie we had in the house was "Shrek." The boy, who just turned 4, absolutely loved it and is now accompanied by an imaginary donkey and dragon everywhere he goes, and keeps pretending to read stories about "true love's first kiss."

[Vanessa]

All our movie nights lately go like this:

Kid: You can choose the movie tonight.
Me: OK, let's watch this.
Kid: No.
Me: This one, then.
Kid: No.
Me: All right, I want to watch this one.
Kid: No, not that one either.
Me: Oh, I see. You're really only offering me the illusion of choice, aren't you?
Kid: Let's watch Hairspray again.
Me: Zzzzzzz.

[edj]

I have found out the hard way (11 y/o twins and a nearly-13), after years of saying futile things like "all must agree" or "this time Ilsa gets to pick; next time Abel" etc, that it doesn't matter if they want to watch a movie or not. Just put one on. They will turn into little zombies and watch it, and then argue with you later about how much they hated it!

[Hatchet]

I loved Errol Flynn when I was a kid. I wanted to buckle swashes along with him!

Next up: try Top Hat. One of my personal faves. My 6.75 year old loves it as well as Singing In the Rain.

The middle part of SITR, thiough, where it goes all technicolor and dream-sequence-y? Clearly the writers were smokin' somethin' when they worked on it and gave some to the editors to let them leave it in.

Other than that, I love it.

[Sarcomical]

oh, he's going to be fantastic during his first date at the movies.

;)

[Sonja]

I don't have anything to add to the conversation, but I wanted to say that I loved this post!

[Candy]

Reminds me of our "music nights" where we would pick music we liked from the internet radio thingie (like Sirius, only not) and we'd all sit and listen. Which lasted only as long as we didn't play anything WE liked. As long as it was all rap, all hip hop, all the time, we had a "night." When that changed, we were two old fogies listening to John Denver songs. Alone.

[pharmgirl]

Dear Lord. We have the same child. I was given a "special" lego guy last night for making unsolicited brownies....

thanks for the movie revue - we'll try it this weekend!

[Diane]

I was surprised to find that my son absolutely loved "Pirates of Penzance" (the best version, with Kevin Kline, is apparently not available on DVD yet). He would watch it over and over again, acting out many parts.

[HeyJoe]

Dearest Alice,
Ignoring all that educational, Mark Twain bullshit, some other classic Holbrook fare Henry might enjoy:

• Magnum Force
• Murder by Natural Causes ( a made for TV thriller FULL OF TWISTS)
• All the President’s Men (hopefully he wont ask for an explanation of Deep Throat)
• Rusty: A Dog’s Tale
• Creep Show (with bitch on wheels wife, Adrienne Barbeau. MrrooW!)

Siskely yours,
Joe

[Gray Matter Matters]

Another great technique, I say to my 8-year-old, "oh, shoot, I didn't realize when I rented this it's for older kids."
"Pleeeeeeaaaaase, can I watch it. I'm old enough."
BTW, he LOVED Saving Private Ryan. (kidding).