Communication breakdown.

What we said: Time to get dressed!
What he heard: Tell us that story again. The one with no real ending.
What we said: Okay, really, it's time to get dressed.
What he heard: How slowly can you slide one foot into a pantleg?
What we said: GET. DRESSED.
What he heard: Whoa, mister, where's the fire? Surely you can zone out for a few minutes while your head is still inside your shirt.
What we said: Okay, I'm leaving the room now because otherwise I'm going to scream.
What he heard: Chase after me! Chase after me and be sure to make robot noises! Also, don't zip up your pants first, so that they fall down around your ankles. I love that.

What we said: So how was school today?
What he heard: GIVE ME YOUR SOUL.
What we said: I don't need details, I just wanted to know if you had a good day.
What he heard: DELICIOUS SOUL. I WILL EAT IT AND LEAVE NONE FOR YOU. NOM NOM.
What we said: I can tell by the shrieking that you don't want to tell me about your day, so let's move on.
What he heard: Truly, sir, you have defeated me. I tip my hat to you.

What we said: You can watch one show.
What he heard: You can watch at least one show.
What we said: No, one show. One. That's it.
What he heard: I'm sure a little whining could convince me otherwise.
What we said: That sound coming out of your mouth is not changing my mind.
What he heard: I'm beginning to see your point.
What we said: Or we could have no television for the rest of the week.
What he heard: Which leaves me more time for grilling you about school. I will get that soul if it's the last thing I do. BWA HA HA.

Comments

[Bokker]

Your son always sounds like an absolute scream. Can he have a blog too please?

[The Yummy Mummy]

Ah yes...the whining. What is it with the freakin' whining? And just wait 'til you have another, Alice, then they'll be whining in stereo. Surround-sound whining. Fun.

And your article was great. The cinnamon bun hair...eh, I'm still on the fence. :)

Kim

[karen]

You've been eavesdropping in my house! Either that, or we have identical life scripts.

[All Adither]

This post was inspired. Loved it.

[Emily]

Too funny! My (college-aged) students are the same way, so I guess it doesn't go away.

[pumpkinmama]

I am so glad I am not alone in this whirlwind of insane-making that is my son.

[Nicole]

Karen stole my comment.

[The Mom Bomb]

I have the reverse problem. I have distorted hearing, wherein I pick up personal criticism where there is none.

Example:

WHAT TEACHER SAYS: Your son plays by himself a lot.

WHAT I HEAR: Due to your insufficient promotion of his "social skills", your son is the class reject and doomed to become an ostracized recluse. Or a sociopathic killer, if you prefer.

[kat]

coffee. spat everywhere. my fault for thinking it safe to have a drink & read your blog at the same time.

[Crystal]

Hahhhaaaha! You speaketh the truth and the truth is damned funny.

[floreksa]

Ditto on Karen stealing my comment.

[kate]

Brilliant!!

Can Henry come live with me? I'll trade you one 7yo girl who has suddenly become a snarly, surly teenager.

[Jenn C.]

In my house, our script runs like this:

Me: H, please get dressed.
H: Blah blah blah, telling stories, twirling around.
Me: H, PLEASE get DRESSED.
H: Blah blah blah, telling stories, twirling around, "today, I'm going to be a pretty pretty princess."
Me: Great! Now, get dressed, princess.
H: Blah blah blah, telling stories, twirling around, following me back to my room.
Me: DAMMIT, GO GET YOUR CLOTHES ON NOW!
H: Geez, you don't have to yell, mom!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

[Diana]

Stalker! Stop following me around and recording my conversations with my children! ;-)

[Jen]

Hysterical!

[Kerrie]

Clearly, the minds of ALL of our children are collectively controlled by a Borg. There is simply no other explanation that the SAME FREAKIN' CONVERSATION can be happening in my, yours and all of the above homes at the same time.

[Sandy]

And they do not grow out of it. Keep that translator handy!

[Elizabeth]

JUST this morning, we HAD this conversation! My mind scrambled to find consequences that he could understand or CARE about... Like, if you don't get your bloody clothes on, you'll have to stay home from school... And who does THAT effect exactly? Okay, no, that won't work... "Are you going to school naked, then?" [ignore, ignore]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

[Redneck Mommy]

My children have already sucked the soul out of me.

Mostly due to conversations such as these.

[Prettyneato]

Great blog! I had a similar incident last night with The Noodle.

TN - I don't feel well, I went to the nurse today.
Me - Oh no, what hurts (by the time I look at her, she is doing the TWIST while doing her homework)?
TN - My head and my throat is red.
Me - Really? Maybe if you stopped doing the TWIST your head would not hurt.
TN - Hmmm? No, I don't think that would help.
(five minutes pass)
TN - Done with homework, going out to play!!
Me - Most. Certainly. Not! If you don't feel well, you need to get in your pj's, drink warm tea, and rest.
(silence)
... she is dancing again ... there is NO music on ...
TN - I'm bored (grumble, moan, whine)
Me - Good, that'll make you feel better (grumble, moan, whine)
... then she fell asleep before dinner was on the table ...
I guess she really did feel a bit crappy - oops!

[Inzaburbs]

Yes they are The Borg. And this is how they keep us on the back foot and under their control. Insiduous.

Don't tell anyone, but I have resorted to *dressing* my 4 year old just so I can get out the door without shrieking.

[anne nahm]

I am lollerskating this post is so funny.

[Laura]

Oh wow, I didn't know you lived in my house- are you hiding in the closet or garage? Today my son decided that he wasn't going to participate in any activity at his preschool or help his classmates clean up. Why didn't he want to do any of these things? Well, he thought that if he didn't do what his teacher told him to do she would send him home where he could watch tv. Yeah, didn't work out so well for him, he ended up with an earlier than normal bedtime and no tv and Wii for the rest of the day. Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth that came after our pronouncement.

My son will be 4 next month. Please God tell me it gets better.

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

This is fantastic. Here's how ours go these days...

WITH MY THREE-YEAR-OLD:

What I said: Why don't you use the potty?
What he heard: Why don't you die a thousand deaths of agonizing, diaperless torture so excruciating that the human mind can scarcely comprehend it?

WITH MY ONE-YEAR-OLD:

What I said: Sit in your chair, it's time for lunch.
What she heard: I banish ye to the CHAIR OF DOOM...and could I get you to scream about it for a few minutes?

WITH MY EIGHT-MONTH-OLD:

What I said: Open wide, time for some pureed carrots!
What she heard: Could you please yank the spoon from my hand and fling it around for a while? I think pureed carrots would look great on the walls.

Thanks for letting me vent. :) Great post, as always.

[Linda]

I've been visiting my mother for the past week, and we may or may not have had some similar moments:
What she said: Shall I make you some breakfast?
What I heard: Why don't you sit across the table so it's easier to steal your soul.

I am in my mid-30s. So, um, yeah. I guess it doesn't go away.

And yes, your son is a deeeeelight, and so are you. Your writing is so good it makes me want to steal your soul.

[J]

Thank you...this makes me feel like I'm not alone with my two angels of Satan stealing my soul! Today I’ve been vomited on, whipped by a naked 3-year old’s large wet shower towel, hollered at, screamed at, hurled at, cried on, chomped on, bit, suctioned (breast pumped when baby wouldn't wake up and as soon as I finished pumping she woke up famished), and raked over the coals. Your humor eases the pain of my morning!

[Koyaanisgatsi]

Son or husband? Because, quite frankly, it could be either. Well done. You have captured the essence or my last year of life!

[Pam]

Misery loves company and therefore it was very comforting to know that they all speak, think, and behave THE SAME WAY. Can't they just live on an island together and come back when they're say, 18????

[Tracy]

Wow! Everyone who read this seems to have come away with the same reaction as I.

I read this posting aloud and told my son, (who wondered why everyone else in the house was roaring with laughter) that you had written an article about him. He wants to know why it doesn't say "Article about Parker." Maybe next time... The similarities are often frightening.

[Sarcasta-Mom]

Seriously? I'm glad no one was in my office because I just laughed like crazy. I'm pretty sure that about sums up what goes on in every kid's head....

[abby]

that could be the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

[Sus]

oh thank you; I was beginning to feel genuinely bad about how quickly I am completely DONE with my kid / snail / brick wall. is it mean that i start to walk out the door with the baby and just yell "see ya later, anna!" to make her come tearing after me yelling "no mama! don't leave me! mommy! mommy!" i mean, it has the desired effect...