Here's the thing.

I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.

I'm a little angry, these days.

Comments

[jc]

I know exactly how you feel...when I miscarried at 8 weeks, I was just so sad that I wouldn't get to see what the baby looked like and its little personality and all the potential things s/he would do and experience in this world.

[HouseofJules]

It's infuriating how often people say really stupid things in times like this. Hang in there, Alice. I'm so sorry for what you & Scott are going through.
Jules
House of Jules

[Valerie]

You are not being irrational. Loss is loss, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. And how dare people blame your grief on hormones.

I'll kick them in the teeth for you.

[Lena]

You have every right to be angry, and every right to express yourself how you feel. If what you write, with respect to the pathology, causes someone else pain, then that's on them. It's not like you were intentionally causing them pain, so no need to apologize.

Be angry, you have every right to be - express yourself and get this anger out of your system. And if you'd like help ripping someone's throat out or kicking them in the teeth - I'll hold 'em for you :)

[Carolyn]

I've never gone through this myself, but your feelings and your anger seem, at least to me, perfectly justified.

I'm so, so, sorry that you lost your baby. I hope you find some peace soon.

[grudge girl]

I had EXACTLY this experience in September. God. I'm mad for you! And with you.

Feel what you need to feel, not that you need anyone's permission or validation. I will tell you, in the hopes that shared experience will be valuable to you when the anger subsides a tad, that I still have the ultrasound pictures as well, and I also have the damn pee stick tester thing hidden in my bedside table drawer and not even my husband knows this, but it's because that damn pee stick has something physical on it that came from that baby, and I can't throw it away.

And this is even though I am now pregnant again and due August 11th, having waited the requisite 2 months and conceived immmediately. It's awesome and good and happy and a relief and all that, but I still miss the one that wasn't, and I still have my secret pee stick that I will never ever throw away.

Whatever works for you, Alice. I'll be sending good mojo your way.

[Kriss]

I can't believe that people have the audacity to take your grief and twist it into something so hateful and ugly.

I'm sorry, Alice, for the loss of your baby. You did get to meet your little one via your ultrasound, and I know s/he was a tiny bit of wonderful.

Again, I'm sorry.

[Mitzi]

I'm with you. I'm so sick of having to censor everything I say in fear of hurting someone else's feelings when in truth I'm only trying to express MY own. I get you 100%. I know you were just expressing what your thoughts were, not meaning harm to anyone else. Lighten up, people.

[jen]

I'm so sorry too, you're a brave girl and it's ok to feel however you feel for as long as you feel it.

[ohsweetjeebus]

People don't know what to say in these situations. So they say things that even in spite of best intentions, are idiotic. Last night I was discussing my disabled cousin with my aunt and she mentioned that she can't stand when people meet Jackie and rhetorically state "oh but you wouldn't change a thing, would you?"

Our response is usually "hell yes I would, she's helpless in this situation. Yes, generally she's a happy baby. But she also suffers incredibly, when this body of hers shuts down. I would change that." Feeling this way doesn't imply that we don't love her as she is, only that if we had a vote things would look differently than they do.

All this is to say, you're allowed to wish that the outcome was different. And you're allow to grieve, in whatever way feels necessary. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

[Amy E.]

De-lurking to say, I'm so sorry. People say the wrong things at these times, not knowing how to just acknowledge and allow grief. How you're feeling seems perfectly normal to me, just not often talked about. You are doing wonderfully and lots of people are sending good vibes your way.

[jck]

I was angry, too. I was particularly angry at people who thought I didn't have any reason to be angry. I think, perhaps, I'm still angry at those people.

Honestly, it took a very long time to come to terms with my miscarriages. Now, years later, I can see the bigger picture, what was happening and what was going to happen. But I still lost my babies, and I still miss them.

[FishyGirl]

People can be such asshats. You have every right be angry. All of those things that you wrote are things that people tend to say when they don't have any idea what else to say. Our society doesn't handle grief or loss well at all, and most people can't handle being in the presence of someone who has gone through a terrible loss and THEY CAN'T FIX IT. It is in our nature to want to offer solace, and few people know how. I'm sorry you are in the situation of having to deal with that.

Most of all, I am sorry that you lost your baby. I hope that time and care bring you some form of peace. I hope that knowing that there are hundreds if not thousands of us out here on the internets who only know what you choose to show us through your writing but love what we see who love you and wish you comfort in your sorrow.

[Mar]

I was angry for you when I saw your "clarification". I am so sorry you had to field that condemnation. I fell in love at the ultrasound too -- it's completely overwhelming. My thoughts are with you.

[Jen]

I fell completely in love with my first one as soon as it existed. Even before, actually. No matter how many other children I have, I will always be one short.

[Dirkey]

So sorry for your loss.
You are and always will be that baby's mama, you have every right to grieve in whatever way you see fit.
Wishing you the softest of snuggly blankets, a good movie or book and maybe a nice hot chocolate and bailey's for today (can you tell its chilly and thunderstormy in S.J.)

[Trish]

It's amazing how people so often fail to use just a little bit of empathy when they are responding to someone who is going through what you are. I think that, much of the time, people Just Don't Think, and say the first stupid-ass thing that comes out of their mouths (yeh, I know I'm being harsh - I had enough dumbass comments tossed my way when I had my miscarriage a few years ago, one even by the ER nurse who said "I'm sure it's all for the best" - I really wanted to kill her at that moment).

Why, why, why can't people simply stick with, "I'm so, so sorry for your loss"? I don't know why that's so hard.

Alice, of course this is a loss just as profound as any other. Grieve it as you would any other, and ignore all those morons who imply (or say outright) that just because this baby wasn't brought to term, it's not a "real" baby (and no, that's not a political statement, I'm all for our right to choose - I'm simply talking about personal feelings, and Alice's own experience of her baby). This was a real baby, it was your baby, and it will take time to process this loss.

Sometimes, the only way out is through. I'm so, so sorry, sweetie.

[Becca]

I read you more as saying 'if this baby was never going to live, then better to miscarry now than at 14, 19, 25 weeks...' - and to me that is perfectly logical. No value judgement about disability there.

You loved that baby and that kind of love is not conditional upon quantity or quality of limbs, organs, intellect etc.

I wish you fast healing.

[whoorl]

I just want to give you a huge, borderline awkward hug. That's it.

[Beth]

You write and feel whatever it is you need to. Nobody can or should tell you how to get through this personal tragedy. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

[Karen]

The last thing you need is for judgmental, word-twisting jerks to take your pain and heartfelt words and contort them into a soapbox for them. To the people who accused you of saying something you didn't, SHAME on them. And SHAME on those who think you are being irrational - your baby was not just a bundle of cells. It was a life inside you and made of love. You have every right to mourn your baby and what could have been.

I also wish you peace, and the continued love and support from your family, friends, and your devoted readers here (you definitely have it coming from me!)

[Nicole]

It's sad how people interpret YOUR feelings for you. You feel what you need to, you write it how you see fit, and you kick them in the teeth when you deem it necessary. There's a whole line of people out here who are willing to kick them for you if you can't. I'm hoping that someday, you find peace over this. But for now, I'm so sorry for your loss.

*kicks someone in the teeth*

[Jen]

I understand your anger all too well. It's your right. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[LizPres]

I lost my baby much earlier than you -- never saw it wave, or snuggled its sweet picture -- but I still talk about little Emily/Max and what might have been. It does get better, but you don't forget your baby.

[DimKnit]

I'm sorry, Ms. Finslippy. I read your post as someone who was grieving terribly. Amazing how someone picked apart your sad words and felt it necessary to then talk to you about it.

I hope you will get to the point where it won't hurt so badly. So sorry.

[Catherine]

I feel for you sister. May peace be yours.

[mamaloo]

I send to you love and acceptance.

Noone can ever know how it feels to lose a child at any stage of life until it happens to them. It sucks. And it is sucked to have to deal with arseholes while you are grieving.

There are many of us who have lost children (proto-children, beautiful potentials, dreams of future life) out here. We stand behind you silently in case you need us.

[Nichole]

What LizPres said? I agree entirely. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Trish]

You aren't being irrational at all. Your feelings are honest, raw and real. You can be angry. You have every right. You don't need to explain yourself or your feelings to anyone. My mother is still mad 37 years later that she lost my brother at 5months along. When she lost another baby at 9 weeks, she was the first to say Thank God it happened now and not later BUT she was just as hurt, devestated and at a loss as to why it happened. Just a long, convaluted way of saying you can be mad. You can yell at me if it'll make you feel a little better. I still cry for my loss last month and I cry for yours. Just know that people out here? they love and care about you and your family so much. That's a fact ma'am.

[Jackie]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost 2 babies to miscarriage and I will forever think of them as 2 of my children. They were both loved and wanted and will be remembered in my own way. I chose not to talk about my losses with very many people because of the crazy things people say. I only found solice in the little girl I already have and throwing myself into her world and her needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[becky]

oh, gawd. my entire face melted when I read this. i would just like to wrap you in goodness until you can bear to feel again. i'm so sorry, and if you'd like I can send you a little plastic gator so you can practice the teeth kicking. gawd, i'm sorry. totally sucks.

[Shelli]

I am so sorry you are hurting. And, I can relate.. boy... can I relate... I just posted a similar vent on my own blog two days ago.

The things people have said to me cut like knives. No one has the right to judge you. No one.

[Jessica]

Screw 'em all. You didn't need to apologize for what you wrote, and people who say say stupid things in the name of comforting you, well, they need to be ritually slapped. Whatever happened to "I'm sorry for your loss?" It's stuff like that that makes me hate people. Another thing that does that is my job, but I digress.

[lisa]

The things people say trying to "make it all better" just infuriated me after my losses! How dare they say the baby was better off? How dare they say that I was better off? How dare they say that I had plenty of kids and should just be happy about that. I did tell someone to choose one of their kids to die and then imagine someone telling them that they are better off dead. Argh I always tell people that the very best thing to say is that "this sucks" and "I'm so sorry" and "I'm here for you to vent away..anytime". {{{{{Alice}}}}

[Mel]

Oh Alice, my jaw dropped when I saw that clarification post of yours. I was so angry at whoever said such a thing, interpreted what you said that way. I read that part of your post as searching for a cause, a reason, a thing to blame other than random fate.

I also want to thank you and all the other mommy-bloggers and commenters who are sharing their similar stories, because hopefully you will teach someone not to be an asshat to someone they know.

[Alyson]

Asshat is such a good word, no?

[elise]

Good for you, get a little angry. I was angry too, when I read that anyone had construed what you wrote in a totally emotions-laid-bare post in a negative way. As I've said before, those are the incendiary people, and they will get mad about SOMETHING, no matter what. They are wrought with some kind of horrible pain akin to what you're going through right now, all the time. It's sad, really.

But you, you are wonderful, and of COURSE you wanted that baby, and I can't imagine feeling any other way in the whole world. Let the incendiary folks incense each other and take all the comments and words from all of us who love you and make a LITTLE salve out of those.

You know, if you want to. But if you're in a throat-ripping mood instead, I could send you a list! Killing two birds with one stone, give it some thought ;)

[elise]

Good for you, get a little angry. I was angry too, when I read that anyone had construed what you wrote in a totally emotions-laid-bare post in a negative way. As I've said before, those are the incendiary people, and they will get mad about SOMETHING, no matter what. They are wrought with some kind of horrible pain akin to what you're going through right now, all the time. It's sad, really.

But you, you are wonderful, and of COURSE you wanted that baby, and I can't imagine feeling any other way in the whole world. Let the incendiary folks incense each other and take all the comments and words from all of us who love you and make a LITTLE salve out of those.

You know, if you want to. But if you're in a throat-ripping mood instead, I could send you a list! Killing two birds with one stone, give it some thought ;)

[Anna]

The baby I miscarried was my "June baby." Even though we lost it before it even looked like a baby, I had already grown attached to the promise of the baby I would meet in June, the promise that positive on the pregnancy test gave me.

After we miscarried, our doctor told us to switch donors. In her opinion, I was genetically incompatible with the donor my partner and I had picked, a good friend of ours. We'd been trying with that friend for many months and grieved when we had to go to an anonymous donor. I got pregnant the first try and now take joy every day with my little boy. But still, when I see our friend play with our son, I wonder about June baby. I wonder what he/she would have looked like, what he/she would have been like. I will never forget that bundle of cells that wasn't to be.

[Kate]

Trish (above) had it right: sometimes the only way out is through. I had the same, EXACT SAME, experience seven years ago. No one knows what to say - so they invariably come up with something ridiculously, horribly inappropriate. I got so upset with the people who told me that this happens to LOTS of women - because THAT was supposed to make me feel better about losing my baby?! I also struggled with getting my husband to understand that this was a baby to me - not the idea of a baby. I still think about that baby every year on his/her due date. (And I've had four kids since, so we've got plenty of birthdays. But that's still a birthday to me.)

[Michelle]

People who say those things have never lived it. They just need to say sorry and shut up.

[binkytown]

Give it some time. I'm not sure why people think the answer to losing a baby is having another baby- the equation just doesn't work like that. Rage on. Trust it will feel better and when it does, then you can decide what you want or don't want.

[Annemie]

I was sorry that I wasn't able to respond to your "clarification" post... I know people get their feathers ruffled about all kinds of things, but it beyond trollish to put that on you during such a painful time. Of COURSE you didn't mean to say that a disabled child is more trouble than they're worth. Anyone with a clear lens to look through knows that.

As for all the feelings you're experiencing these days, they can all be summed up in the word grief. You are grieving for your baby, the genius baby that you know will never be replaced by another baby, no matter how much you'll love him or her, too. Although the hormones of a recently pregnant woman are certainly not going to make the process any easier, don't think for a minute that the feelings aren't 100% real and legitimate. I think a lot of people want to believe that the pain is just hormones because that holds the promise that it is temporary, but though the acute pain of loss of a loved one - even a loved one we've never met - eases over time, it is as much a permanent part of us as our blood.

Take it day by day. You're a very strong person, even when you don't feel like you are.

[MeL]

You probably WILL have another baby... but it will no more replace the one that you lost than THAT one would have replaced Henry. Every little person you decide to grow in your womb is unique and precious to you. Nothing changes that.

Like the previous commenter I, too, still have the gross pee test from the pregnancy that I lost. I can't bring myself to throw it away, because that would be the end of the last evidence that there ever really was a baby. And there WAS a baby, and it was my baby, and it hurt like hell to have it taken away.

I'm due in September with another baby brother for the 2 little savages running around my house now, and I can't help but wonder if that was my girl that I lost. These thoughts don't go away; they just get easier to compartmentalize with time.

Hug your little man as much as he will tolerate it, and then some. Hang in there. Tell people with their venom where to stick it. Actually, I believe you just did. And quite eloquently, too.

[fay]

Hey, I am loathe to recommend a message board but there is a space on the internet devoted to losing a pregnancy, and since everyone there is going through something similar and they are there specifically for support, it might feel a little safer than the blog. I don't know - I don't actually post there but I have found it helpful just to read other people's posts.

Anyway - SHARE - it's here, if you haven't already found it through googling: http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

[Carrie]

Of course you miss that baby. He/She was perfectly yours and it's just not right that you won't get to meet that particular little person. How heartless to suggest that you are somehow better off. The one good thing about writing out here for the rest of us that read you is now all of us will remember "That is Alice who has Henry and who didn't get to meet her second baby on the outside." (Because of course you did get to know him/her while you carried them) It does help to have someone else in the world that remembers. Love from Virginia.

[TheMama]

I think we sometimes forget that while people are sharing their lives in this impersonal medium, there is a very real person on the other side of that screen.

You are far braver to share this than I could ever be. I am truly sorry that your bravery is being met, however infrequently, with unkindness on any scale.

I can not know what you are going through, I can only say my heart goes out to you.

[Annika]

I'd be angry too. I have some nice pointy boots if you need any west coast teeth kicked on your behalf.

[helen]

I lost a baby at 10 weeks, people say the most incredibly stupid and hurtful things, my 'best' was being told that obviosuly God didn't want us to have another baby and so I should get the hint already and stop trying ( already had 5 children, stupid, greedy me) well after I said " Oh piss off" I went right ahead and had another baby. I know just how you feel, I can tell myself that had that dear little lost baby been born we wouldn't have had the glorious Elijah but my heart aches a bit for that baby, who would have been as splendid as ever a baby could have been.
Should anyone else say something stupid and very very wrong, just look at them and say " Oh Piss off" marvellous, worked for me anyway.

[Lisa V]

I would have 20 year old twins right now if my first pregnancy had worked out. I mentioned that last night to my family. My 14 year-old said "Maybe one of them would have been me." I said no, but they would have been someone I loved just as much. You can't replace one child with another.

I went to one SHARE meeting during my 3 years of miscarrying, but I found that meeting very helpful. You may or may not. Sometimes it really does help to be with someone going through the same thing you are at the same time. If you're interested I will be the women's center at your hospital could put you in touch.

You have a right to be angry, sad, and disappointed. I really think you have to grieve miscarriage just like any other death. Even if you only held that baby in your dreams, you still held it. I'm sorry Alice.