Nothing to see here

It was four weeks yesterday that I had the miscarriage, and it's a milestone that's whapped me upside the head. I'm not doing so well, folks. Who knew? I thought by now I'd be moving on, and instead I'm right back where I started. I'm hoping that with therapy and time and some helpful pharmaceuticals, I will regain the ability to move through the day and its many challenges without crying or  unleashing my rage at some unwitting bystander (oh, my poor husband).  If posting is somewhat light over the next couple of weeks, you won't stop coming here, will you? Of course you won't. Stop nodding like that.

I've tried to respond to all the amazing emails I've received, but some have slipped through the cracks. And I'm realizing that taking care of myself might mean not spending hours giving back to everyone who was kind enough to open up to me. So if you don't get a response, please know that your email (and/or comment) was read and appreciated, and that I would write a response if I weren't so busy watching "What Not to Wear" episodes and staring at my hands. I lead a rich, full existence.

But did you know? I actually managed to compose my Alphamom column for last week, somehow. And that's not all! As you may have noticed over on the right-hand column, over there, I'm in the anthology "Sleep is for the Weak," (the best title ever in the history of anthologies, if you ask me) edited by the infinitely capable Rita Arens. I'm proud to be in such excellent company, and so glad that Rita persevered in her quest to get this book out. I can't wait to read it.

Comments

[Wendy]

Oh, Alice. Hang in there. It will get better.

[Kimberly C]

Again, my thoughts are with you. You take all the time you need, I will still check back here every day, seeing if you are ok. Much love from someone you don't even know, who rarely comments-
Kim

[Katia]

heh, you're on my feedburner... no escaping. :) stay well.

[witchypoo]

That's what feed readers are for. It took me awhile before I realized that you could just click on the icon in the address bar to get your feed, but whenever you update, I will get it now.

[Rita Arens]

I'm not sure you can rush grief. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take pity on your inner Alice - she's been through a rough spot.

[s]

It took about nine months after the first miscarriage for me to stop wanting to kick people in the head, weep when I saw women who were as pregnant as I would have been, or watch Love Actually for the trillionth time until I fell into blissful sleep. (You don't feel so bad when you sleep. Usually.) It took less time after the second one. Somehow one day I just felt unaccountably, irrationally cheerful. And then not. And then irrationally happy again. I've managed to convince myself (sort of) that now that I'm halfway through the third pregnancy, we're in the safe zone, but sometimes the sadness of the other miscarriages hits me and I sit on the couch, or in the car, or staring out the window, weeping. Of course, these days, the toast not being the right toasty-ness also makes me cry, so who can say? I don't know how I got from there to here. Time, and love, and support, and time, and ... I guess one day I just woke up and remembered, oh, yes. tea! I love tea. and sunshine. and morning glories blooming outside the kitchen window. and birds chattering in the trees... That, and the occasional fantasy of kicking people in the head.

Wishing you tea and unexpected sunshine and blooming flowers and birds chattering outside your window.

[s]

It took about nine months after the first miscarriage for me to stop wanting to kick people in the head, weep when I saw women who were as pregnant as I would have been, or watch Love Actually for the trillionth time until I fell into blissful sleep. (You don't feel so bad when you sleep. Usually.) It took less time after the second one. Somehow one day I just felt unaccountably, irrationally cheerful. And then not. And then irrationally happy again. I've managed to convince myself (sort of) that now that I'm halfway through the third pregnancy, we're in the safe zone, but sometimes the sadness of the other miscarriages hits me and I sit on the couch, or in the car, or staring out the window, weeping. Of course, these days, the toast not being the right toasty-ness also makes me cry, so who can say? I don't know how I got from there to here. Time, and love, and support, and time, and ... I guess one day I just woke up and remembered, oh, yes. tea! I love tea. and sunshine. and morning glories blooming outside the kitchen window. and birds chattering in the trees... That, and the occasional fantasy of kicking people in the head.

Wishing you tea and unexpected sunshine and blooming flowers and birds chattering outside your window.

[tixie]

delurking to tell you that i will still faithfully check every day, as if my checking could some how will you better... ;-)

[Amanda]

Lady, you rock. Truly. Good for you getting the posts out and getting yourself into the book. Just keep swimming.

[Kristin]

Of COURSE we will keep coming back, even if you don't post very often. We totally understand. You won't get rid of us that easily.

I have never been pregnant, but when my father died I remember being VERY angry at the cottage cheese in the refrigerator (it had an expiration date past the day my father died). I threw out a LOT of perfectly good food that day so I wouldn't be reminded.

Take care and do whatever you need to do.

[Inventing Matilda]

You need a plane ride and a sunburn...and people like all of us caring about you - That's the funny thing about the internet. You have introduced yourself and let us peek in your windows and see your life. None of us know you (probably) but we care because we do sort of know you...in a we-read-your-journal sort of way.

Be angry. As angry as you need to be. Be sad. Be sad until all of your hurt has leaked out.

Do something nice for yourself...and eat something you like. Go to a place where you can have a nice time and talk. Talk about your feelings. Talk about the Braves. Talk about your fear of pine trees. Talk about whatever comes to mind....but talk. I believe that talking is therapeutic.

Have an ok day.
-Inventing Matilda

[Inventing Matilda]

So I just posted my thoughts and I am concerned that I sounded a bit too much like Suzie Sunshine.
I want you to know that I have had a miscarriage. I have been so angry and jealous of everyone around me. It seemed the number of pregnant women around me multiplied.
I just don't want you to think that I am just saying to snap out of it because I am not. I am advising that you look after yourself.
-Inventing Matilda

[Sarcastic Mom]

Just had my "four weeks" milestone this past Saturday. It was sick the way I felt when I gave Braden a bath, with John away. Just like on that day when the bleeding started. Then yesterday was the calendar day. And Aunt Flo made sure to show up precisely on that day, lest I forget.
Bullshit, I tell you.

But I do have to say that your piece a couple of posts back did get me to finally change my sweatpants.

I'm savoring the good days lately. Because the bad moments have a way of leaving a taste that lingers and leaks into everything else.

Hang in there. This has got to get better, right?

[Lauxa]

What is it about people that when we see someone with a problem we want to give advice? Maybe we just don't know what else to say. I don't know what to say, except that if you only update once a year, I will still read every word you write. Hang in there.

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

I will check in every morning...what? You expect me to "work" at work? Pfffa!

I hope you feel the pain a little less each day....I hope you find joy to look forward to.....and I really hope you can change the channel soon. Because more than 4 hours of Stacey and Clinton is NOT healthy for anyone's psyche.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

Time, lots of time - that's what it takes. In my case, it helped to get pregnant again - other people don't want to because it feels as if they are forgetting the baby they lost. It is all very individual.

[Kirsten]

Take care of yourself - and take as much time as you need - and then come back, and we'll still be here.

"What Not to Wear" can drag you down after a while - maybe you should switch to something more affirming? "Top Chef", maybe?

[Her Ladyship]

Alice, do NOT even worry about your readers right now. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready.

And I must say: kudos in your choice of TV! You really can't go wrong with multiple episodes of "What Not To Wear." Stacy and Clinton are very wise.

[Carrie (in MN)]

I'll keep checking in and thinking of you.

[Heidi]

I thought I was having a bad day. Thanks for the much-needed perspective.
Take care of yourself.

[Miss Grace]

I think that anyone who isn't the spawn of satan understands that shit happens in real life and sometimes blogging life needs to be put on hold for a little while.
And anyone who doesn't get it can suck it. Because I am ELOQUENT.

[Danny]

Offcourse we'll come back.
Hope that 'feeling well' is very very near for you.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Catizhere]

Take care of you.

We'll still be here.

((Cupcakes))

[Becky]

I'm not certain if you read my comment, as it was approximately the last of about 3.5 million, but I feel you. I had two back to back miscarriages in the past two months, and I'm still feeling the fog.

If you need some lovin' I'll be around for you.

[Mrs.X]

Hang in there - it does get better. I never found that it was an immediate thing, but gradually, I felt better. It may take you a while, too, so don't be concerned with how long it takes. But there will be an end. Promise.

[stephanie]

It took me a few months to start feeling like myself again...I didn't realize I was depressed until I wasn't anymore...if that makes any sense.

I probably won't stop back for a few months, then.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Who could leave you? xoxo

[stephanie]

I'm so sorry that this is so hard. I don't know you in real life, as I'm sure you already know, but I have been reading your site for a long, long time and feel I know you at least a little. The fact that you are in pain makes me sad for you and makes me wish that I could do something to help, but it doesn't make me want to avoid reading your site. I hope you are able to find peace soon. I truly understand how difficult that can be.

[Krys72599]

1) I will always come back, hoping to read something new. See ya when I see ya!
2) I must say I disagree with Kirsten: What Not to Wear helps 'cause there's always someone, somewhere with a worse hairdo than me, or that dresses worse than me, even on a day when all I wear is yesterday's sweats and a T-shirt from college...
3) And I will keep you in my thoughts - sending good ones your way...

[emily ruth]

take your time...i'll keep checking in on you...& i know lots of other people will too...cry til you're done, that's what my therapist always says...consequently the cuffs of my shirts are always damp, but i do think it is good advice:)

[Kimberly]

Sweetie, I have absolutely nothing in common with you besides the state we live in (and that's a stretch, as I'm down near Philly) but I want to buy you a cup of tea and sit with you while you cry your eyes out.

Don't feel compelled to email everyone back. They're not expecting you to.

Feel better.

[Carrie]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who will actually come to this site more often, just to see how you are doing. That's not to pressure you to update more, tho -- those of us dealing with nothing more than severe seasonal allergies right now don't need to be cushioned from the disappointment of finding no new posts.

[Rachael]

I would still read your blog even if you didn't come back for a year!

Take care of yourself. We just want you to get better.

[jen]

hey - this is my first comment, but i just thought you should know that what you're feeling is totally normal.

one month after my early miscarriage, my well-meaning boss told me that I should stopp wallowing and try to "find my joy." I think my foot would have found a LOT of joy nestled in his teeth.

it just sucks so much. i'm sorry.

[Titi]

Welcome back!
I know it's hard, we never told you to forget about it, I still count that I would be 5 months pregnant by now if that didn't happen, but you have to be strong, move on, and take care of the ones around you that care about you, when times goes on, and you feel ready to try again give it a try, you will have fear but have to be strong, I can't try right now 'cause I will have a Thyroid surgery soon but I definitely give it a try after it, be strong!

[Amanda]

Of course we will keep coming back. Well, it's either that or actually spend quality time with my children. I mean, come on. I cried a lot after my miscarriage, initially, for about a week. Then I stopped and poured myself into unpacking into the apartment we had just moved into and learning the new job I had just taken and finding a good daycare for my son. I continued this way for about two months. And then, I started crying all the time again, a lot. I HATED having to see pregnant women everywhere. Seriously, they were everywhere. I thought I would lose my mind to my own depression. I still don't know how I managed to stow it for those two months and then come right back and pick up grieving where I had left off. I don't know if I have much of a point to this, other than to say that what your going through lasts as long as it lasts. Don't feel bad about feeling bad, for however long or random it may be. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and know that we will all be here for you regardless.

[Dan]

I know that you will get through this. Whether it is time, therapy, or good drugs. Remember that you are not the only one who lost a child. I focused on my wife and made sure that she had everything she needed to get her through her grief - therapy, drugs, support groups, etc. It was about 11 months later and I totally collapsed - mentally, physically, and emotionally. It took me a few months to get back in the swing of life.

Your husband lost a child also. Take the time to make sure he is okay. Together you both will make.

[islaygirl]

you know we're all sitting here saying 'of course we'll be right here, alice.'

i'm glad that you're doing what you need to do. xxxx

[diefrau]

I just wanted to say that you're certainly not beholden to your readers...and they/we know you're healing. We'll all be here when and if you need us.

When I got depressed (horrid relationship), I watched "Crossing Over" with John Edwards and truly thought he was amazing at the time. At least you're getting clothing advice. [My wan attempt at humor]

[Meredith]

Thanks for your honesty. I wish more women would open up about the pain - we owe it to each other. I hope you realize how much you are doing to help those of us going through the same thing.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

I admire your strength and honesty. You have love and support here and I hope you can feel it through your screen!

[Ally]

Have no fear, we'll all continue irrationally checking your site every 10 minutes for years to come.

...Other people do that, right? RIGHT???

In the mean time, I highly suggest that you broaden your mindless-television watching-ness. I recommend The Real Housewives of New York City as well as Mythbusters. The first because it will make you appreciate your life a lot more, and the second because who doesn't love watching things blow up? Oh, and Nanny 911, even though Supernanny is much better.

Oh! and cookie dough. You should eat that. In all seriousness. Go out and buy those mini Nestle tollhouse semi-sweet chocolate chips, and then use their recipe on the back for cookies. It tastes wonderful raw, and is the perfect vegging-on-the-couch food, guaranteed to make you feel better within seconds of consuming the first bite.

Aaaand, finally, feel better, Alice. Our thoughts are with you.

[Ally]

Oh! I forgot to mention in my comment that now is an excellent time to ask your readers for things. Like if you need someone to buy Henry some new Legos through Paypal and send them to you, lots of us would be happy to. For instance. (there are indiana jones legos out now. the movie sucks, but the legos look kinda neat.)

[MissusB]

Still hugging you uncomfortably hard. I know we're strangers and all, but really, just let me hug on you a minute.

[Annie]

I ordered my copy last week. I absolutely cannot wait, and congratulations to you all.

Grieve as long as you need too, when you're better we'll be here.

[tracy]

Of course you can take all the time you need, and we will be here when you are ready to come back. Hang in there!

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

It's funny how much your heart can ache for someone you've never met. I'm so sorry you're still having a tough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your grief.

[Dawn]

Aw, Alice, sweetie. Such a hard thing you're going through. Be gentle with yourself. We'll all keep coming back. 'Cause the finslippy? We needs it.

[betsy]

I will never stop coming here. I promise.

[Lisa]

Hang in there, Ms. Alice . . . take care of yourself and know that the passage of time will make things better.

[WonderSpot]

Meh. This sucks. It's OK that it sucks. And even if it weren't, it's still OK to be sad about it. I go back and forth between brightly optimistic and soul crushingly depressed, myself. Hang tight, but you know that already.

And anyone who stops reading your blog now deserves to be stuck in a room with American Idol on constant repeat.