Overwhelmed.

I cannot begin to tell you how much all of your emails and comments have meant to me. I read each and every one of them, and every one of them helped more than I can say. (And yet I'm still sadder than I've ever been. This seems mathematically impossible, but my emotions are terrible at math.)

Right now I'm feeling a lot of things, and soon enough I will write long and confused posts about this bizarre rollercoaster ride I'm on, but first I wanted to say thank you. To all of you out there, and to those close to home. I have an amazing family who have rallied around me, parents who came and cried with me and made dinner and cleaned my refrigerator, friends who visited and sent gifts and let me cry all over them and took Henry on extended playdates. I have an impossibly sweet boy who has remained, I am pleased to say, mostly oblivious to what's going on. (Although this morning he pointed out that I haven't played with him in months. I have some serious catching up to do.) And I have the greatest husband of all time. (Sorry, ladies, but I win.) And if I say anything more about how much he's done for me, I'll start crying again, and sheesh, my mascara is already messed up enough. (Yes, I applied mascara this morning. I had this delusion that today maybe I wouldn't cry. Ha ha! HAAArggh hmm.)

More later.

Comments

[w.]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I can't begin to try to understand what you must have gone through, but you're in my thoughts every day.

[Mitzi]

Still thinking of you here, too.

[Slim]

I don't want to tell you how to handle this, but you might want to pick a goal other than "not crying." Maybe "not crying while getting lashes dyed; afterwards, stand back."

I'm glad everyone's turning out to support you. Good for you for letting people know and for letting them help.

[Jen]

I wanted to share this website with you. It helped me a lot when it was me.

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

And a giant list of blogs by subject:

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you.html

[dana wyzard]

STOP thinking that today you will feel better. STOP putting expectations on yourself. Don't you have enough on your plate? Expectations are another word for guilt as in: I SHOULD be feeling better by now. I SHOULDN'T still be crying.

SCREW THAT! You'll have days where you cry NEXT year over THIS year.

You need someone's lap to sit on so that they can hold you, rock you and say "There, there honey....it'll be okay."

[Ariel]

Hugs Hugs and more healing thoughts sent your way!
We care about you so very much!

[janny226]

You are on my mind both day and night. (I'm pretty sure that's a song lyric but don't know where it's from.) I recommend writing about something else first if possible, especially something that makes you smile. Like maybe Henry. And that clean refrigerator, them's good people what did that! And I'll add more hugs to Ariel's coming your way.

[Melanie]

Alice:

I am so deeply sorry for your terrible loss. So sorry. My thoughts are with you and your dear, sweet family.

[Christine]

I didn't get to the last post until today. But man, I am so sorry. So sorry.

(Also, waterproof mascara or no mascara at all. I speak from experience.)

[Elizabeth]

Alice -- you are such an inspiration... Just keep on showing us all that grief is whatever YOU need it to be... That it's okay to keep on crying until you can stop... And then it's okay to cry some more again later. There was a life in my life that was cut short, it happened to be canine, but the feeling of being robbed, of missed opportunities, of life stolen away, is similar. A year and four months later, and I still feel robbed. Thanks for all you give to us moms who frequently feel less than gifted at this parenting thing -- my five year old and three year old boys can have me feeling quite a bit "at sea" but when you write about Henry, it's of substantial comfort to know it's NOT just me!

[Carrie]

Mascara is overrated.
Maybe you and Henry need to bake cookies. With lots of big chocolate chunks. I know that won't actually help things, but it couldn't hurt. (My mother's genes come out when bad things happen and by all that's holy, there must be a comfort food to fix all ills. I wish.)

[Gen]

Miscarriage is an emotional rollercoaster. Rest assured that although the sad memory won't fade for awhile, your hormones will subside. I found the changing hormone levels amplified every feeling by 10 thousand percent. So cut yourself some slack on the not-crying-anymore vow. Hugs.

[sarah]

thinking of you

[Nicole]

Still thinking of you all. Thanks for taking the time to update all of us.

Not long after I miscarried, I stumbled upon this series at Slate.com:

http://www.slate.com/id/2077127/entry/2077168/

Dahlia Lithwick's entries in particular were, I thought, very profound. You'd want to check your own tolerances before reading them, of course, but I found the whole series to be quite comforting in an odd way.

[AEMom]

I'm glad you're feeling better Alice. Don't put any expectations on yourself -- just take things day by day. Some days will be better than others -- and that's OK. One day you'll feel up to writing a new hysterical post with your wonderful humour and we'll all be thrilled to read it.
Hugs!

[RuthWells]

I love that your family knows how cheering a clean 'fridge can be. Hugs.

[that girl]

you'll never really *stop* crying. I still think about our loss from time to time and it surprises me. You will always have friends to lean on, and that's something to smile about... but you knew that already...

here for you if you need me!

[Barb]

Thank you for checking in. You remain in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.

[Velma]

I'm happy that you are being showered with love and attention and food and help and more love. It's what you need right now, and I think it helps.

[Sara]

You will get through this -- and in the meantime I'm rooting for you and thinking of you (along with the rest of the Internet, of course). Take your time, and don't worry about how much you cry. Seriously, it needs to happen.

[TEOM?]

It doesn't diminish the sadness one bit, nor remove any of its sting, but it is still amazing to realize how much love is around you at a time like this.

[paige]

You and your family are in my thoughts, Alice.

[daysgoby]

I wish for you peace. Also, removable mascara.

[daysgoby]

I wish for you peace. Also, washable mascara.

[daysgoby]

*sigh*

[Kara]

I've been thinking of you every day since I read your post last week--didn't comment then, because maybe too shocked and breathless? I'm so sorry for your loss, but am so glad for you that your wagons have circled (that's how we call it in our family--when you need your "Village People" [it takes a village...] they "Circle the Wagons" to protect and keep you, as long as you need, until you can be among the Wagons again, ready to do the circling for someone else).

Also, I had to laugh--I like to say the same thing about my husband, that I Won. I *love* to hear someone else say that about theirs.

Hoping for peace for you, however and whenever you find it.

[Thea]

I've been thinking about you an awful lot over the past few days, and I'm glad you've got such excellent folks around you (in person and via the comment box) to clean your fridge and give you cyber hugs. Take care! (And don't worry one bit about the mascara.)

[kristi]

I wear waterproof every single day. I need it often. And I am so very happy your fridge is clean! It won't help with the sad, but definitely with the overwhelmed.

God bless.

[Shannon]

It is so great that all your friends and family are there for you :) I don't want to sound like a creepy blog stalker but I wondered if they knew what happened or if you hadn't announced the news yet and were suffering silently, so I just feel really relieved that they are there for you to lean on. And cleaning out your fridge?? Most awesome friends/family EVER!

Still thinking about you and just knowing that the most healing time for you is on its way.

[Miss Grace]

Mascara: It's good to have hope.

I'm still sending all of my best, warmest, most comforting thoughts your way. Somehow, via the internet, I hope they get to you and help.

[ExSchutz]

Take heart Alice and take it a day at a time. Many Hugs!

[Megan]

It is a roller coaster and the only way to ride it is the way that works for you. If that means standing up and spitting on some of the innocent bystanders beneath well... sometimes that happens! Thoughts are with you and your family.

[pnuts mama]

the words "hang in there" seem trite- but i guess what i really wish is for you to be gentle with yourself and take care of you. get outside in the sun today (w/maybe a hat and some spf, my fair skinned friend) and just rest. be well. thinking of you.

[Jen]

Glad you're doing better. I hope the clouds abate a little more each day. It sounds like you have a wonderful family at your side.
Thinking of you!

[Linda]

You seem like such an awesome person, and your funny and well written blog puts smiles on so many of our faces. You've built up a huge store of good wishes that you'll have to expand to a mega warehouse/superstore. (No, I have no idea what I'm talking about!) But how cool is it that Dooce is in your tri-state area this week to make you focus on that fabulous essay you wrote about your dad. I hope that gives you a respite from the sadness, and I wish you many more respites. But, yes, take your time. And, there are many glamorous and artsy photos out there of women with runny mascara. Consider yourself an artist!

[Linda]

Oh, and maybe get yourself one of these: http://rakkudesigns.com/

[Lucy]

Alice - thinking of you and your family in this difficult time.

[Robin in San Jose]

Lots more tears will come your way over the next few weeks and maybe even months. After all that pregnancy had so much potential; being of course your offspring and Henry's sibling. Being in the middle of it right now sucks, I know. Now when I look back on the two miscarriages I suffered, they are part of the journey that brought me Garrett. They much less about loss, than what I ultimately gained. It sure would be nice to skip that hard, tear-filled, snot pouring out, mascara-running journey part though, wouldn't it!? You'll have to make your own journey, and we'll end up at a slightly different destinations in the end, but with your husband, Henry, and the rest of your immediate, extended, and internet family around you, hopefully you'll find you make it without too many rocks in your shoe.

[my minivan is faster than yours]

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I cannot even tell you how many times I looked at my son who was conceived five months later and was so incredibly thankful for how it all turned out. Didn't feel that way then. Sure am thankful now.

[Heather]

Keep talking, Alice--it really does help. I'll keep listening no matter what. Peace to you.

[Sharon]

It IS a rollercoaster. One moment you're feeling like you can handle it all and the next minute you're crying in the middle of a supermarket - be strong, but cry when you need to.

[Rachel]

I am so sorry this happened, so glad you posted, and so relieved to hear you have so much support.
Also, thanks for posting about Henry - I was wondering how he was doing. When I was pregnant w/my 2nd and we had some scary ultrasounds, I kept thinking, "How will we tell The Boy about this?" He is a love, and hopefully with the Mad Libs, will help you find your smile again. Nothing like Stinky Butts and Poopy jokes for that!
We will keep sending you love and support as long as you need it.

[Melanie]

Alice,
I started reading your blog because it was funny-I've continued to read because you share your life and write so beautifully. Thanks for continuing to share, and please be gentle to yourself in every way. Remember to do at least one self indulgent thing for yourself a day. (if you need suggsetions, ice cream, elastic waist band pants, and going to the movies are my top 3 indulgences). It won't take away the grief, but hopefully it will help you remember how valuable and special YOU are.
Take care,
Melanie

[liz]

Thinking of you.

[PinkPoppies]

I am late reading this but wanted to say how sorry I am. It gets better only because the grief is easier to carry. I hope we can carry some of this for you. Take care, Pink (lurker and regular reader)

[HeyJoe]

Dearest Alice,

Thanks for checking in. We appreciate the update. Take care of yourself.

Jewish Motherly,
Joe

[Mommy Cracked]

I'm so glad you have such a fabulous support system rallying around you. I think just having someone acknowledge that a baby was there and offer a shoulder is just one step in the healing process. Hang on.

[Frankie]

((((( Alice ))))))

We love you!

I am glad you have the best man. I have the best woman and I know how you feel!!! :-)

(((( Alice )))) again!

[clarabella]

You have the right to be as overwhelmed as you want for as long as you like. Thanks for letting us (internet worriers) know you're ok. You're in my thoughts often.

[Greg]

A regular lurker - male, yet - just extending my sympathies.

Doesn't seem like it, but life will continue. Trust me.

You are all in my prayers.